Stuff White People Like

For the most part, this list has offered ways to befriend white people one at a time.  However, if you want to befriend a large number of white people at the same time, the easiest way to do it is to go to jail for political reasons.

White people love political prisoners because they are individuals who have been locked up because their beliefs or their presence stands in defiance of an unjust system. In fact, most white people would love to be locked up for their beliefs provided that they could go to a jail with private toilets, plenty of books and no rape.

Instead, white people are forced to turn those dreams of oppression into something more productive.  Specifically the belief that one day their law degree, graphic design skill, or ability to attend a concert can be used to free a political prisoner.

If you happen to be this individual, then you have no further work to do.  White people already like you and will provide for you financially in the form of book deals, commencement addresses, and documentaries.  But do not assume that these are the only people who can benefit from their time in jail.

Political prisoners make excellent choices whenever a white person asks you to name a personal hero.  If they drop an answer like “Kurt Cobain” or “Toni Morrison” you can easily trump them by offering up a name like Mumia Abu Jamal or Nelson Mandela which will show white people that you are smart, well informed, and political.  Or that you own at least one Rage Against the Machine CD.

But what if you pick the wrong political prisoner?  Impossible.  This is because political prisoners do not exist until a famous white person has drawn attention to them. Until that point, any person who has been locked up for their beliefs is just a regular prisoner and subsequently not worthy of graffiti stencils.

Conversely, if you ever find yourself needing to end a friendship with a white person you can simply say something like “well, he’s a criminal he belongs in jail. I don’t care what the Beastie Boys have to say about it.”

End of friendship.

On Newsstands Now.

Read the first installment at PlentyMag.com.

All music genres go through a very similar life cycle: birth, growth, mainstream acceptance, decline, and finally obscurity.  With black music, however, the final stage is never reached because white people are work tirelessly to keep it alive.  Apparently, once a music has lost its relevance with its intended audience, it becomes MORE relevant to white people.

Historically speaking, the music that white people have kept on life support for the longest period of time is Jazz.  Thanks largely to public radio, bookstores, and coffee shops, Jazz has carved out a niche in white culture that is not yet ready to be replaced by Indie Rock.  But the biggest role that Jazz plays in white culture is in the white fantasy of leisure. All white people believe that they prefer listening to jazz over watching television.  This is not true.

Every few a months, a white person will put on some Jazz and pour themselves a glass of wine or scotch and tell themselves how nice it is.  Then they will get bored and watch television or write emails to other white people about how nice it was to listen to Jazz at home.  “Last night, I poured myself a glass of Shiraz and put Charlie Parker on the Bose.  It was so relaxing, I wish I had a fireplace.”  Listing this activity as one of your favorites is a sure fire way to make progress towards a romantic relationship with a white person.

Along with Jazz, white people have also taken quite a shine to The Blues, an art form that captured the pain of the black experience in America.  Then, in the 1960s, a bunch of British bands started to play their own version of the music and white people have been loving it ever since.  It makes sense considering that the British were the ones who created The Blues in the 17th Century.

Today, white people keep The Blues going strong by taking vacations to Memphis, forming awkward bands, making documentaries, and organizing folk festivals.  Blue and Jazz music appeal mostly to older white people and select few young ones who probably wear fedoras.  But that doesn’t mean that young white people aren’t working hard to preserve music that has lost relevance.  No, there are literally thousands of white people who are giving their all to keep old school Hip Hop alive.

Even as you read this, white people are telling other white people about the golden age of Hip Hop that they experienced in a suburban high school or through a viewing of The Wackness.

If you are good at concealing laughter and contempt, you should ask a white person about “Real Hip Hop.”  They will quickly tell you about how they don’t listen to “Commercial Hip Hop” (aka music that black people actually enjoy), and that they much prefer “Classic Hip Hop.”

“I don’t listen to that commercial stuff. I’m more into the Real Hip Hop, you know?  KRS One, Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, De La Soul, Wu Tang, you know, The Old School.”

Calling this style of music ‘old school’ is considered an especially apt name since the majority of people who listen to it did so while attending old schools such as Dartmouth, Bard, and Williams College.

What it all comes down to is that white people are convinced that if they were alive when this music was relevant that they would have been into it.  They would have been Alan Lomax or Rick Rubin.  Now the best they can hope for is to impress an older black person with their knowledge.

Throughout history, white people have a pretty poor record when it comes to promises (see Americans, Native for examples).  Thankfully, modern white people are trying to erase the shame of the past by making promises to themselves that they will never keep.

Writing a novel, going vegan, or sending their future kid to public school are just a few of these great breakable promises.  But by far the most common self improvement promise is to learn a new language.

This plan is first formulated when white people realize that two years of college Italian does not confer fluency.  For the most part, these classes will only teach a white person how to order food in a restaurant, ask for a train schedule, and over pronounce words when they are mixed into English. Amazingly this small amount of proficiency is more than enough to warrant inclusion on a resume under “spoken languages.”

For many white people the lack of a second language is their greatest secret shame.  It fills them with so much shame that they will literally spend the rest of their lives promising to learn a new language, but not so much shame that they will actually do it.
When it comes to learning a new language, white people can follow a few paths, the most common of which is to try to learn a language that is popular in their current city.
For example, white people in places like Los Angeles or Austin, TX will often promise to learn Spanish in hopes of being able to ask local taco stands about whether or not their carne asada is grass fed (”¿Ha leído usted Michael Pollan?”).

In order to reach this level of fluency and obnoxiousness, white people believe they must put themselves into a local immersion.  This means a promise to watch only Spanish language TV, listen only to Spanish language radio, read Marquez in his native tongue, and watch foreign films with the subtitles turned off.  There are some instances of white people doing this for almost a week!

When this technique is unavailable or fails, white people will immediately turn to books and computer software as a last ditch effort to make good on their promise. After about a week, most white people will give up and blame someone for their failure (”this software is terrible,” “there aren’t enough people in Portland who speak Farsi!”). But rather than discarding the books and software packaging, white people will simply put them in the most visible part of their book shelf.  This allows white people to believe that they have not failed since they can resume their studies at any time until their death.

Since learning a new language is something that most white people fail at, it should be approached with extreme caution. When you hear a white person say that they speak your native language, you will probably think it’s a good idea to start talking to them in said language.  WRONG! Instead you should say something like “you speak (insert language)?” to which they will reply “a little” in your native tongue.  If you just leave it here, the white person will feel fantastic for the rest of the day.  If you push it any further and speak quickly, the white person will just look at you with a blank stare.  Within a minute you will notice that blank stare has shifted from confusion to contempt.  You have shamed them and your chance for friendship is ruined forever.

Finally, though they won’t admit it, white people do not believe that learning English is difficult. This is because if it were true, then that would mean that their housekeeper, gardener, mother-in-law (if   they are an elite white person) are smarter than them.  Needless to say, this realization would destroy their entire universe.

The best technique is to just tell white people what they really want to hear: “You should move to (insert country) so you can really learn the language.” They will agree instantly and lament their employer’s lack of an office there.  Share this lament and you can enjoy a gigantic increase in trust and friendship from that white person.

When it comes to holidays, there are few that white people like more than Halloween.  This is in spite of the fact that white people are required to spend almost the entire year preparing for it.  But unlike Thanksgiving or Christmas, the preparation requires little emotional labor.  Though it does require extensive physical and mental labor along with a fair amount of research thrown in for good measure.

Halloween is so important to white people because they have to wear a costume.  It is a chance to literally show everyone how clever you are without having to say a word.  This makes it especially important to single white people as one well thought out costume could produce enough romantic interest to last through the winter.
For this reason any white Halloween Party is less of a celebration than it is a contest.  And as with any contest, there are a lot of rules.

The first thing you need to know that white people are the only people on the planet who will dress up as a concept.  So while  your initial thoughts about a costume might be “cowboy,” “policeman,” or “Count Dracula,” white people are more likely to think “math,” “the economy,” or “Post-Modernism.”

Dressing up as a concept is always a major gamble.  On one hand, there is the chance that you nail it just right and everyone in the room will recognize how you not only cleverly interpreted the idea but also executed it perfectly in physical form. If you get it wrong, you will be required to spend the entire night explaining yourself.  Then again, it is a good way to get white people to talk to you.

Things do not get any easier if you try to dress up like a character from a movie.  If you show up dressed as Austin Powers or Napoleon Dynamite you will be met with near-universal scorn.  You see, you need to find a character from a movie that enough people recognize but not one that’s so well known that makes it easy to find the materials required to create the costume.

That being said it’s a good idea to draw inspiration from older movies or television shows, specifically ones from the 1980s.  Some popular examples are: Pee Wee Herman, the skeleton costumes from Cobra Kai, or Marty McFly.  Depending on your race and gender, this could be your opportunity to become the alpha dog among your white friends.

You see, the only thing white people like more than costumes are group costumes.  So if you are an asian male of any background, suggest to your white male friends that you all dress up as The Goonies.  If you are a black female, offer to play the role of TOOTIE and go as the Facts of Life. Being a black male is considerably tougher, but if you are short enough the role of Webster could be right for you in an ensemble cast.  Sadly, if you do not fall into one of these categories your opportunity for a group costume is limited since there are no recorded instances of white people befriending asian women, latinos, Indians, or any other race during the 1980s.

Last, but certainly not least are white people who dress up as characters from books that have not been made into movies.

“I’m Esther Greenwood.”
“Who’s that?”
“Um, from The Bell Jar, hello?”
“I’m sad too.”

These  people are unlikely to be recognized as their characters, but are highly recognized as being smart. If you cannot pull off a group costume, this is your best bet.  Just pick ANY author who shares your heritage, find a character who matches your age and sex and remember their name.  Then show up in regular clothes.
This also allows you to make the awesome joke “Oh, you can’t tell?  I’m dressed up as a Sri Lankan woman.  It’s me, Matt.” (substitute race/sex as appropriate).  White people will find this hilarious, unless there is another non-white person at the part making the same jokes.

You should also be prepared for the inevitability of running into a white person in an offensive costume.  It is a certainty that any Halloween party will have at least one white guy dressed up as a recently (and preferably tragically) deceased or wounded celebrity.  Past examples include Steve Irwin costumes with a sting ray protruding from the chest, Roy (of Sigfried and Roy) with a stuffed tiger attached to the neck, and this year you are likely to see at least one white person dressed up as Heath Ledger.

With this information, you should have no problem fitting right in at a white halloween party.  But don’t try too hard at your costume, white people hate being upstaged.

When it comes to food, all white people are either allergic to/or have stopped eating everything you consider delicious.  It’s a good idea to come to grips with the concept, because it will save you a lot of headaches.

But when white people come to your house, you are forced to deal with the problem in a very real, very immediate sense.  You will be trapped with their dietary restrictions and they will be trapped with the contents of your kitchen.  You can mediate this situation by stocking your pantry with dozens of complicated and expensive snacks.  Or you could take the easy way out and just buy a tub of hummus.

All white people like hummus.  In fact, if you find a white person who does not like hummus then they probably just haven’t tasted it or they are the wrong kind of white person.  In either case, they are probably not someone that you want to know.

Putting out a plate of hummus and pita makes white people very comfortable.  It reminds them of home since at any given time a white person has hummus in their fridge.  Even the most barren white refrigerator will have a package of the stuff next to an empty Brita filter.

White people are also relieved when they see hummus because they recognize the contents immediately.

Though you would never be able to guess it by their actions, white people are very concerned with perceived as “annoying” or “that guy” who has to ask about the ingredients of everything they eat. However great their concern over this, they are still more afraid of being “that guy” that eats High Fructose Corn Syrup or pork.

Familiarize yourself with this information as it will play itself out every time you try to pick a restaurant with a white person.

You: “Let’s get Chinese food”
White Person #1: “Um, yeah, last time I was there I tried to ask the waitress if they used any pork stock in the preparation of the vegetables and she didn’t really give me a response that makes me comfortable eating there again.”

By providing your guests with a plate of hummus, you can guarantee that you won’t have to have this infuriating conversation in your own home.  But that doesn’t mean you are safe.  To cover all your bases, it is always a good idea keep some Gluten free crackers in your pantry.

That way if you bring out a plate of hummus and pita and discover that one of the white people cannot eat gluten, then you are ready to pull off a truly incredible move.

First, pretend not to understand why the person cannot eat wheat.  Then go back to the kitchen and return with the gluten-free crackers.  Everyone will be impressed by your ability to psych out people with food allergies.

Wait one week and relive the story with different white people, it will make them laugh and secretly wish to be invited to your next hummus eating party.

Been a fun run for the 2nd tour. Thanks everyone for coming out to all the events.

Tour ends with two dates in the Bay Area. Hope to see you there!

Friday, October 24th - Berkeley, CA

7:30pm
Berkley Arts & Letters
First Congregational Church of Berkley
2345 Channing Way @ Dana
Berkeley, CA

Saturday, October 25th - San Francisco, CA

7:30pm
Booksmith Bookstore
1644 Haight St.
San Francisco, CA

Interesting facts about Portland Oregon

- named the “Greenest city” in America by Popular Science
- has the highest rate of microbreweries per capita
- citizens are not allowed to pump their own gas
- Rasheed Wallace once lived here
- home of the Reed College Ultimate Frisbee team
- and Stuff White People Like author will be making an appearance there on Monday (Info Below)

Monday, October 20th - Portland, OR

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Powell’s Books
3723 SE Hawthorne Blvd.
Portland, OR 97209
503-228-4651

Friday, October 17th - Houston, TX

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Borders
Houston, TX
3025 Kirby
Houston, TX 77098

Christian Lander will be making appearances in the Badger state this week. Hope to see you there.

Wednesday, October 15th - Madison, WI

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Borders
Madison, WI
3750 University Ave.
Madison, WI 53705

Thursday, October 16th - Milwaukee, WI

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Borders
Milwaukee, WI
8705 N. Port Washington
Fox Point, WI 53217

As the temperature starts to drop, many white people are forced to start wearing winter coats.  Though many will simply don outdoor performance gear, a great number will turn to the #1 white winter jacket of all time: The Pea Coat.

The Pea Coat was originally worn by sailors and members of the European Navy.   If you think about it for a second, this means that the coat is European, Coastal, and Vintage.  Three of white people’s favorite things.

Another common characteristic of the coat is that white people will write their names on the label inside the coat.  This is not done for fear of theft, but rather as a necessary precaution against party mixups.  You see, when a white person attends a party in the winter time they will often be required to put their jacket in a room with literally dozens of other pea coats!  Since these coats often contain ticket stubs to the same concerts and identical Trader Joe’s receipts, it can be impossible to find the original owner without a name written inside.

Like with sweaters, the process of acquiring a Pea Coat is almost as important as the coat itself.  Fashionable white people can purchase designer pea coats for well over $1000, but the top ranked white people purchase their at Army Surplus stores.  This makes them feel better than the white people have spent thousands of dollars on an identical piece of clothing.

But perhaps the greatest value of the pea coat is its ability to help you determine which non-white people have been accepted into the ranks of white people.  It is not known if the coat is given to them in an elaborate ceremony or if they buy it themselves, but in either case by wearing the coat they are telling the world that they have white friends.

Long story short, if you want to increase your popularity with white people this winter, get a Pea Coat.

A cartoon version of “Classical Music” has been done by Blogjam cartoonist Greg Williams of the Tampa Tribune.

Though many white people consider competitive sports to be too aggressive and macho for their tastes there are a few exceptions.  The most notable is Soccer since for some reason it is wrong to get fired up about Football game, but right to get fired up about a Football match.  The second sport (term used loosely) in this category is called Ultimate Frisbee or simply Ultimate.

It is important to know that when you hear a white person saying “we should do some ultimate this weekend” or “I’m so pumped for ultimate,” they are talking about a sport and not an “ultimate solution”-type race war.  Though a quick look at a field full of Ultimate Frisbee players might lead one to surmise that an ethnic cleansing has taken place.

When you first see the sport being played, you will be struck at how amazingly boring it is.  Imagine a field of white people running around throwing a frisbee trying to catch it in an “endzone.”   Sometimes one person ‘guards’ another (pictured) and that’s the whole game.  There is nothing more to explain.

If you look a little closer, you will see some surprising things.  First, you will never see hippies get more upset than on an Ultimate Frisbee field.  It can be jarring to see people who look like they should be playing acoustic guitars yelling at each other about whether or not Blake stepped out of bounds.  Secondly, you will notice that Ultimate Frisbee matches are the best place to meet white guys who wear headbands.

Fortunately, ultimate frisbee offers a lot of opportunities for personal, professional and financial gain. Since the sport has yet to be integrated, you could command a high fee in terms of money or favors if you agree to join one of the many white leagues in your area.  To a white person, having a diverse Ultimate team is almost as good as winning the championship.  Almost.

In addition, white people have also created a sport called Frisbee Golf.  In this game, you see how many throws it takes to get a disc into a receptacle. There is no other pertinent information about this sport, and it’s only real value is as a cheap date for white people who like to be outside.

In any case, if a white person talks to you a sport that you’ve never heard of, do not be afraid to ask some questions.  This is because, on average, white people invent a new sport every six weeks.  Hacky Sack, Sky Surfing, and group juggling are just a few of the games invented to help white people maximize their time at parks and beaches.

Monday, October 13th - St. Louis

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Left Bank Books
399 N. Euclid
St. Louis, MO 63108
314.367-6731

Wednesday, October 15th - Madison, WI

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Borders
Madison, WI
3750 University Ave.
Madison, WI 53705

Thursday, October 16th - Milwaukee, WI

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Borders
Milwaukee, WI
8705 N. Port Washington
Fox Point, WI 53217

Friday, October 17th - Houston, TX

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Borders
Houston, TX
3025 Kirby
Houston, TX 77098

Monday, October 20th - Portland, OR

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Powell’s Books
3723 SE Hawthorne Blvd.
Portland, OR 97209
503-228-4651

Friday, October 24th - Berkeley, CA

7:30pm
Berkley Arts & Letters
First Congregational Church of Berkley
2345 Channing Way @ Dana
Berkeley, CA

Saturday, October 25th - San Francisco, CA

Time TBA
Booksmith Bookstore
1644 Haight St.
San Francisco, CA 94117