#16 “Gifted” Children
January 22, 2008 by clander
White people love “gifted” children, do you know why? Because an astounding 100% of their kids are gifted! Isn’t that amazing?
I’m pretty sure the last non-gifted white child was born in 1962 in Reseda, CA. Since then, it’s been a pretty sweet run.
The way it works is that white kids that are actually smart are quickly identified as “gifted” and take special classes and eventually end up in college and then law school or med school.
But wait, aren’t there white people who aren’t doctors or lawyers, or even all that smart?
Well, here is another one of those awesome white person win-win situations.
Because if a white kid gets crappy grades and can’t seem to ever do anything right in school, they are still gifted! How you ask? They are just TOO smart for school. They are too creative, too advanced to care about the trivial minutiae of the day to day operations of school.
Eventually they will show their creativity in their elaborate constructions of bongs and intimate knowledge different kinds of mushrooms and hash.
This is important if you ever find yourself needing to gain white person acceptance. If you see their kid playing peacefully, you say “oh, he/she seems very focused, are they in a gifted program?” at which point the parent will say “yes.” Or if the kid is lighting a dog on fire while screaming at their mother, you say “my he/she is a creative one. Is he/she gifted?” To which the parent will reply “oh, yes, he’s too creative and smart for school. We just don’t know what to do.” Either situation will put a white person in a better mood and make them like you more.
But NEVER under any circumstance imply that their child is less than a genius. The idea that something could come from them and be less than greatness is too much for them to bear.
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Typical white middle class mother:
“I never taught Johnny how to talk when he was younger so now he just rocks back and forth and counts ceiling tiles all day. He still doesn’t talk but he can stack cups faster than lightning, its almost like the part of his brain that he was going to use for talking got used for stacking cups instead. He’s so gifted, I just know that someday he’ll be on ESPN’s cup stacking championships. When the doctors told me he’s got assburger syndrome I felt awful, but then Jenny McCarthy said that it was the vaccines that did it and I am really a great mom because I put up with a special needs child, I mean gifted, I mean…”
I wonder the typical white mother is Jewish! (I gotta stop it, my apologies for the comments on Poles, Italians, the Irish or Armenians). You see, white people are like M&M’s: they come in different colors, but one has the peanut inside. +
And don’t forget, the ‘gifted’ kid, if he doesn’t have straight A’s, MUST be diagnosed with ADHD and be put on amphetamine medications for the rest of their childhood, or even the rest of their life. And when the amphetamine pills cause the kid to turn into a train wreck, off to the psychiatrist and double the dose.
I was always worried about making sure I got straight A grades. Not because I wanted to do well for myself, but I was concerned that if I didn’t, my frantic paranoid mother who watches the news too much might take me to a doctor and have me put on meds.
Straight A-students are not white, ask the “yellow” people (er, Asians) on how they have MORE pressure to get all A’s in school, either by the parents or by a racist white majority who view them the “model minority”. White kids must get any grade above “average”, an occassional “B” spells “you get a super you!” and liberal parents not neo-cons praise their kid no matter how much he tries to get above “C”. +
Oh, I forgot. White people also always have their gifted children interact with eachother under carefully prescribed and controlled conditions called “playdates.”
The first time I heard the term “playdate” I was like, “What the hell is that?!” When I was kid, I used to find other kids in the neighborhood to play with. Not so anymore. Hovering, neurotic, smothering white people now arrange for “playdates” with eachother’s kids, kind of like sports agents finding a new team for their client to play for.
What you need to understand about the playdate is that it has nothing to do with kids playing, but rather, is a chance for white people to interview one another and find out if the other kid’s parents are of sufficient affluence, standing in the community, and educational or professional achievement, to be worthy of having their kid play with the other kid. A “bad” address can kill a playdate.
See, its really more about white people validating themselves by having their child play with the child of another parent/couple that is at least of equal or higher social standing. The kid may be a miserable brat, but if his parents drive BMWs, have a fabulous home, and are well-known, rest assured there will be more playdates. Conversely, if the kid is real polite and nice, but his parents drop him off in an old, rusty car, live in an apartment, or nobody that matters knows his family, then rest assured, that will be the final playdate.
White people LOVE playdates. That should’ve been on the list, but oh well.
I tested for my elementary school’s gifted program, got in and then asked my parents not to put me in it… does that mean I’m not really white? I still made it into law school though…
[...] Ok, we’re not sure that’s real, but if it is, that lady should look out for an induction into the Alec Baldwin Parenting Hall of Fame. Plus, if said mother had ever read “Stuff White People Like” she would know that no child is average. (See “Gifted” Children.) [...]
Man is this dead-on. My son actually tested into the school district’s G&T magnet school, which he attends. However, I have yet to meet a parent who’s kid DIDN”T test in – or so every putz I meet who has to bring it up, cause I don’t care, tells me so – the vast majority of which don’t go to the school. There’s always some nonsensical excuse made up about how in the end the parent didn’t feel it “wasn’t the right fit” or they don’t “buy into” the magnet school for G&T, or they feel the school their kid is attending actually provides a better education, or some other bullshit. Lies. Sour grapes. All of it. Are you kidding me?!? These people would MURDER somebody to get their kid into that school. Why? Because this post is dead on. White people always think their kid is “gifted.”
My oldest son is bright, but my other two I don’t think well end up being in that school. Which is fine. And if somebody asks me, I’ll tell, cuz they didn’t test in. Why make up a line of bullshit?
Your right about that gifted thing… Just look at that Feller on the Road Warrior, I think it was Mad Max’s Cousin that was gifted.. You see him in the woods when hes following Max’s Wife.. hes a little slow but You know By the time Mad Max Beyond thunderdome came out… Hell he was Blaster! and what a bad ass he was… Ball Cracker on foot! Too bad about that Thunder dome thing.. ended his carreer in underworld with master.
Oh heres a list of References: (Movies)
The Road Warrior
Mad Max Beyond Thunder Dome
Any how next subject please.
I am an African American woman and I was placed in a gifted program at an early age. I was high school valedictorian. I love this book and, even more, I love the fact that opening comments on the list serves only to profoundly confirm the point that christian lander is trying to make. But I digress. I was labled as “gifted”, but had the emotional maturity of an infant. As an adult, I am very poorly adjusted and actually dropped out of college. Now i don’t need to hear a dialogue on overcoming adversity, I am fully aware that others have mounted far greater obstacles. But my reality is my own and it has led to my incapacitation. I have a 4 year old daughter who is a NORMAL child. She has unique talents and interests but does not show any signs of being gifted. And what a relief that is because she is happy and healthy without a hint of anxiety. Let it go, people. If your child is exceptionally bright, great. If your child is average, great. Love them and be grateful.
This reminds me of the Cheetos commerical with the obnoxious soccer mom talking about her genius son and how he is learning Chinese. HAHAHA
A classic suburbanite white person trait. Everyone is special! They cant help but to bullshit themselves with political correctness! Johnny isnt handicapped……he is mentally, physically, audibly, visually, directionally cross impaired! Hell, he is down right handi-capable! He graduated magna cum laude in his special ed class!
My god, when does it stop……
It will never stop, the whole public ed. system in America (and esp. in Cal. from 1st place to 45th out of all states) is ranking lower and lower each year. Either human beings are procreating dumber or devolving, or there are more easy, fun & useful ways to learn, study or know more about things. Sending kids to school, returning them with 3 hours of nightly homework or placing them on detention/Saturday school for a minor behavioral offense (but hey we don’t do corporal punishment anymore) makes learning not good! +
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