There are a lot of cultures that like wine, but the way white people like wine is on a whole different level.
Within white culture, you are expected to know what a good wine is, what wine is not acceptable to like, and the names of prominent wine growing regions.
But because there are thousands of wineries, thousands of wines, and a limited time to try them or learn about it, often times, white people need to fake knowledge. If they are exposed as not being knowledgeable, they will look like fools and their peers will consistently make jokes about them liking Boone’s Farm, Thunderbird, Steeler, or Lakeport. This humiliation can crush a white person for years.
When a white person offers you wine, you take a small sip and then say “ooh, that’s nice. What country is it from?” then they will say the name of the country and you say “I love wines from that country, I would love to get a villa in the wine region there.” White people will nod in agreement as they all want to have a second home in a wine region like Napa, Tuscany or Santa Barbara.
It is also a good idea to say that your favorite wine is from a small winery called [make up name like 'Spotswood,' 'Red Duck,' Random Spanish name] in [Australia, Argentina, France, California, or Chile] that is hard to get in whatever country you are in. White people will be impressed that they have not heard of this wine and consider you to be a very smart person. They will also make a note to try to find that wine, and when they can’t find it, your status will rise even higher.
Wines that are acceptable: Red, White (less so)
Wines that are unacceptable (unless to be consumed in an ironic fashion): White Zinfandel, wine in a box, Rose, Fortified Wine, Arbor Mist, Chinese Cooking Wine.
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Pinot grigio must be the new chardonnay. And of course sweet white wine is really not done… except with deserts; or with strawberries, as in Brideshead Revisited.
One thing strikes me though, much as I like this site: it’s one thing to be after distinctions (I like French films), another to be ironic about being after distinctions (white people say they like French films so that you’re wowed by their refined taste). It’s yet another matter to see that being ironic about distinction is itself higher-order snobbery (blanc de blanc one might say). Now I’ve set myself up of course.
oh shit…. well I guess everyone’s wrong then… In high school I used to get called “THE white girl” because I am so pasty- but I can’t possibly be a white person and like wine in a box???!!! BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH…
Seriously, your blog cracks me up… I should add it to the list of things THIS white person likes…
Jackson Triggs
or whatever its called
Slap the bag!!!!!
~ My favorite Hipster drinking game.
(the bag that’s inside the BOX of BOXed wine, or box wine)
the game is like this: someone holds up the bag in the middle of a circle, someone else cmes in a and slaps it really hard and subsequently chugs from the tao for a suffiently gross amout of time. It actually isn’t a game at all. Which is why it’s even more ironic. FRAAAAZIA!!!
You forgot to Metion that even if we DON’T like wine we still drink it. We’re Weird like that
Imagine if you could get a bottle of wine made in a country that no longer exists. It could literally be Nattie Light served from a wine bottle and some douche bag would act like it was great.
Well Yugoslavian wine was probably better than their cars.
or Chilean wine, better than its ancestral grape subspecies out of Bordeaux. The Central valley of Chile does a good job, though it costs less than Australian competitors: Yellow Tail (chardonnay, merlot, shiraz, etc.) is OK, but tastes dry compared to Sutter Home (its’ white zinfandel is drier). +
Box Wine has been steadily becoming “cool” again for the past few years. Its probably white enough to post about now. And one thing many white people love but isn’t on here is Sonic Youth.
One word for all of you:
A-l-c-o-h-o-l-i-c-s.
Funny, you seem jealous.
yea, i missed the party so now i’m hatin’ on all the party goers.
Prohibition Now! (unless i’m in on the next party).
Box wine is hip with white college kids, breaking a previous cruel racial and classist stereotypes of who’s seen with the box wine the most. I had wild vines before, like mixing fruit juices and wine together for an extra kick. Boones’ farm is a “kick back in the back yard bench”. Night train, any one? +
This blog is very cute and very accurate. Rose is making a comeback though, just so you all can keep up. One of my friends who is in his early 50′s, born in Wales, and spent about half his life in California and the other half in the UK and France is a HUGE snob and wine critic. He thinks I’m a loser and a troglodyte (his word) because I STILL do not care for Rose or Sparkling Rose’s. I can’t do it though, Roses and blushes just don’t taste that great to me. I need my wine so dry I can light my breath on fire after I polish off a bottle.
Oh and one other thing, wine snobs (white people) are lushes in respectable people’s clothing, so if you want to keep up you’ll be expected to develop a wooden leg so you can polish off whole bottles at parties and dinners.
Cheers!
You mean that there are people who exist that don’t regularly consume a bottle/bottles of wine on their own at parties/dinners?
This list of “stuff white people like” is dead on! I cannot believe how stereotypical my friends and I are. And, yes, in “white culture” you must learn about wine. The joke is that once you have finished your PhD, the next thing you MUST learn about, or at least pretend to have an extensive amount of knowledge on is WINE! We also do not order a bottle of wine in front of other white people that are not our close friends unless we know EVERYTHING about that specific vintage.
That’s ridiculous! yet funny… so many rules and things you have to do to be a white person. I love wine of all sorts don’t discriminate… Trader Joe’s has the almighty 2 buck chuck that’ll knock your socks off!
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