Stuff White People Like

Mornings are exceptionally important to white people, as witnessed by their love of breakfast places. However, some white people never go out for breakfast on a Sunday Morning. The reason? The Sunday edition of the New York Times.

A perfect white sunday generally works like this. Wake up at around 8:45, if the paper is delivered, then one walks to the front door, retrieves the paper and begins a pot of coffee. If the paper is not delivered, a white person will go out and usually buy the supplies needed for breakfast – bagels, orange juice, lox, cream cheese, or waffle mix. Some white people even pick up freshly brewed coffee with the paper!

Once coffee, food, and the newspaper have been procured, white people put on extra mellow music (Jazz, Classical, or for the cooler ones in the bunch, ambient trip hop or something along those lines). They then procede to read each section of the paper, stopping periodically to tell their partner about the interesting news they have just seen. “Looks like another civil war might break out in Africa,” “did you see that the Met is doing Tristan and Isolde?”

White couples usually fight over who gets to read the Sunday Magazine first. How do we know this? They will tell us repeatedly about how they always fight over the Sunday magazine.

The secret you may not know, is that deep down, all white people are desperately trying to make their life seem like an ad for a Sub Zero refrigerator, or an article in Gourmet/Bon Appetit magazine. To achieve either of these goals will set white people at ease.

But note well, that the sports section will always remain perfectly creased and unread, unless they have a teenage son. So on Monday morning, if you need to impress your coworkers, choose to talk about something you read in the Book Review section, the magazine, or Sunday Style.

All white people are expected to do this. You are given an exemption during your early college years, but by age 22 it is pretty much law.

Photo by Katherine Mackenzie