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Archive for January, 2008

#39 Netflix

We all know white people love film festivals, but what about movies that don’t make it to a film festival, or weren’t in the local film festival? How do you get accesss? Thankfully white people have Netflix.

If you don’t know, Netflix sends you DVDs in the mail and you get new ones when you send the old ones back.

White people are absolutely crazy for Netflix for a number of reasons. Firstly, because all of them are convinced that there is a global conspiracy to keep good, independent, groundbreaking film from mainstream distribution (multiplexes, blockbuster, etc).

To them, Netflix (in spite of being a for profit company) is a brand new way for independent filmmakers to find an audience. By subscribing, white people believe that they are changing the film industry, supporting innovation, and contributing to a cultural revolution in film.

If you see a group of white people and you need to break into the conversation, a good thing to say “hey, is anyone else thinking that Netflix shipping is getting slower? I’m doing this PT Anderson thing, and I’m only up to Magnolia! What’s that all about?” They will relate, and talk about their own Netflix queues and how they are trying to get caught up on French New Wave.

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#38 Arrested Development

Eventhough most white people prefer to say that they don’t watch television, one thing they agree on is that Arrested Development was the best show on TV. They love it so much!

The love it for a number of reasons. Firstly, since the show was cancelled before it jumped the shark, it’s effectively like a rocker that dies at 27. Also, the show got terrible ratings, meaning that it wasn’t ‘mainstream,’ which makes white people love it unilaterally. Other examples of shows like this are Twin Peaks and The Ben Stiller Show.

They also love it because there are a few references to white popular culture, and if there is one thing that white people love, it’s cultural references that they understand (see Garden State, The Onion, and Juno for examples).

If you are ever a white person’s house, and you see an orange box in their DVD collection, you should say “oh, you have Arrested Development, I love that show!” To which you will be offered a glass of wine, and perhaps an invitation to 80s night.

Also of note: the hip hop group Arrested Development is also loved by white people.

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#37 Renovations

All white people are born with a singular mission in life in order to pass from regular whitehood into ultra-whitehood. Much like how Muslims have to visit Mecca, all white people must eventually renovate a house before they can be complete.

Of course, most white people do not reach this goal until they are 35 or older. But the need to do it is as instinctual as walking.

But it is important to note that white people have little or no interest in renovating a suburban home built after 1960 (except in Southern California). All white people dream about buying an older property (“with character”) in a city, and then renovating it so the insides look all modern with a stainless steel fridge.

Though the seed is planted from birth, it really starts to grow when renovations take place in a family home during childhood. They don’t understand why there are so many men with mustaches in their kitchen, but they know that they will be gone in a few weeks leaving behind a nicer kitchen and a happier mommy/daddy/life partner of parent.

Please note that ALL white people went through a renovation when they were kids. This is a good subject to bond over, perhaps a story about how you were embarassed at a sleepover when a friend went to the bathroom and there was a contractor on the toilet. Embellish as necessary.

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#36 Breakfast Places

When Loverboy wrote the song “Everybody’s working for the weekend,” they meant that you work all week so that you can earn a break and go to some sweet bars or concerts and rock out as hard as possible because you have 2 days for the hangover to fix itself. Well, white people work for the weekend, except their only goal is to eat breakfast on Saturday or Sunday at one of their favorite “breakfast places.”

These places are restaurants that specialize in breakfast food and are usually only open from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. and if you arrive at any time after 9:30, prepare to wait for up to an hour with white people who cannot wait to get vegan pancakes, eggs benedict, waffles, or deluxe french toast.

To a white person, there is no better way to spend a saturday morning than to get up late, around 9:30 and pile into your Audi or Volvo and drive to one of these little places and eat breakfast with friends. Often times these breakfasts last for an hour or more (hence the long lines and wait times).

Some white people take it to the next level and bring their dogs, newspaper or even a laptop.

If you plan on dealing with white people, it would serve you well to know some local breakfast places. This will also come in handy if you pick someone up at 80s night. In white person law, if you meet someone at 80s night and then go out for breakfast the next morning, then you are automatically in a relationship. There are no exceptions.

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The Daily Show/Colbert makes up a duo that is held in such high regard by white people that to criticize it would be the equivalent of setting the pope on fire in Italy in 1822.  It just isn’t done, in fact it isn’t even considered!

White people love to make fun of politics, especially right wing politics.  It’s a pretty easy target and makes for some decent humor, but white people are actually starting to believe that these two shows are becoming legitimate news sources.

“Oh, I don’t watch the news,” they will say.  “I watch the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.  You know, studies show that viewers of those shows are more educated than people who watch Fox News or CNN.”

White women all consider John Stewart to be the most perfect man on the planet. This is not a debate, it is law.

The Daily Show also features guests like John McCain, writers, policy analysts, and actors.  It is comforting for white people to see boring celebrities get interviewed in a funny fashion.  It fills their need to do something productive, but also not work that hard at it.

Take note that Tuesday through Friday during the working week, you can break ALL awkward silences with white people by saying “did you see the Daily Show/Colbert Report last night?”  At which point they will start talking until it’s time for you to move on to more interesting activities.

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#34 Architecture

If you ask white people what they love about cities they don’t live in, they will say “restaurants,” “culture,” and “architecture.”

They just can’t get enough of old buildings or ultramodern buildings next to old buildings.

If you want to fit in with white people you need to learn about IM Pei, Frank Lloyd Wright, Frank Gehry, and a whole swath of others. Also, be prepared to say “Bauhaus” a lot.

Once you have the basics down, you should choose a city that people are unlikely to have visited, then make up a name, and choose one of the following a) opera house, b) museum, c) city hall, d) civic center.  Then put all together into something like this:

“Geary is good, but I’m more much into the work of D.F. Winterhausen, he designed the new opera house in Podgorica.”  Wait for a pause and then say “In Montenegro.  Have you never been?”

The white person will be left in stunned silence, reverence and respect.

The reason white people love architecture so much is that deep down they believe that they could have been a great architect.  They feel the same way about other professions including: professor, writer, and politician.

Also of note, white people love big books about architecture.  So if you need to get one a gift, this always goes over well because it makes them feel smart without having to read too much.

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#33 Marijuana

People from many cultures like marijuana (South East Asian, Jamaica, India, Morrocco, Mexico, etc), but white people take it to an entirely new level.

To simply purchase, roll and smoke marijuana is not enough for white people. They need to make sure they know all the different strains, cultivation technique, and methods for smoking it. They even have an entire magazine devoted those where they actually have centerfolds of plants that people have grown.

White people are also willing to spend over $500 on smoking devices just to find new and more expensive ways to smoke weed.

It is worth noting that at every white person, at some point, has written a high school or college paper about the history of how the DuPont industry helped make weed illegal. This paper also teaches them about how hemp can be used to fuel cars, make clothing, create food, cure cancer, and solve every single problem on earth.

While you would assume that most white people smoke weed between 14-28 (and act as though they are the first generation to do so), the reality is that white people smoke weed well into old age. They also smoke weed with their kids! This is not a joke. White people love weed so much that they consider it a ‘gift’ to share with their kids. Leading to a generation that was not allowed to watch Power Rangers, but was allowed to toke up.

All white people believe marijuana should be legalized, and they consider the Netherlands to a pinnacle of enlightenment. Also, every white person has had their most profound weed smoking experience in Amsterdam, so it’s a good idea to fabricate a story about your own experience there so you can quickly forge a bond. Traditional tales uses the following words: hostel, brownie, girl/guy from Hungary, crazy, locked out, chill dudes from Ireland.

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should ever imply that people just smoke weed to get high, they do it for medical/spiritual/social reasons, etc, or that there are any negative consequences. This will likely alienate you from white people.

On the plus side, white people are always looking for higher quality, more potent, more organic marijuana. If you promise to hook them up with a special selection from your home country, they will likely pay a high premium.

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