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Archive for January, 2008

#31 Snowboarding

If one would like to meet a lot of white people, one of your best bets would be to go on a Snowboarding trip. Snowboarding is the practice of skiing sideways on one ski. White people love snowboarding as opposed to basketball or football because there is a sense that it is an alternative sport outside of the mainstream. Also too many ethnic people are skiing now. White people enjoy activities that cost a lot of money and require expensive clothes. Even though pro snowboarders make far less than football or basketball players, it is an activity that is exclusive to those who have money. Below are some of the prerequsites for snowboarding

- $500 North Face or Burton Jacket
- $200 Snowpants
- $40 wool socks from Mountain Co-op
- $60 thermal underwear from Mountain Co-op
- Living in an expensive area that is close to mountains ie) Boulder or Vancouver
- $200 Snowboard
- $100 boots
- $20 to pay for your overpriced burger
- ability to act really annoying

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#30 Wrigley Field

One of the best things someone can do to gain the respect and trust of a white person, is to attend a baseball game with them at Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. When most people think of the Chicago Cubs they think of tradition, ivy covered walls, Fergie Jenkins & Harry Caray. A more accurate representation would be khaki shorts, frat boys & rich white business men on their iphones. The 1980s television show Perfect Strangers best illustrates this point. In the opening credits, foreigner Balky Bartokomous is taken to Wrigley Field. This was more or less symbolic of what Balky had to do, to understand white America.


Ethnic person (third from left) gaining the trust of white people

Reasons why white people like Wrigley Field
1. Experiencing tradition at a high cost
2. Located on the North Side
3. Its Trendy
4. Comfortable Surroundings

1. Experiencing tradition at a high cost

The main reason why people flock to Wrigley Field each year is the fact that it is one of the few ballparks that is trapped in time. People come to experience baseball tradition (although the definition of tradition when it comes to baseball is sketchy, remember the sport did not integrate until 1947). However this tradition comes at a high cost, which white people don’t mind. On prime dates a ticket in the bleachers costs $45. But this does not deter rich white people from enjoying the “simpler things” in life. Wrigley is an old stadium where people still pee in troths, but white people love paying top dollar to do this. They also like being around “real baseball fans”, even though most of the people in the bleachers are drunk rich frat kids that aren’t from Chicago and have no idea who Ernie Banks is. Compare that to the left field pavilion in Dodger Stadium , where tickets are $11 and the people are much more fun and less irritating However the left field pavilion is generally the hispanic section which makes it less of a tourist attraction than the Wrigley bleachers (Unlike having black friends see post #14, it is not yet cool to have Hispanic friends)

2. Located on the North Side

Wrigley Field is located on the North Side of Chicago. The North side is basically the gentrified, trendy part of Chicago. Also many white people listen to Jim Croce (whom most think is black) and the perception of most non-Chicago people (the majority of Cubs fans) of the Windy city is through the song “Bad. bad, Leroy Brown”

Well the south side of chicago
Is the baddest part of town
And if you go down there
You better just beware
Of a man named leroy brown

This is one of the main reasons why people do not venture to watch the Chicago White Sox. They are located on the South Side which is viewed as the “baddest part of town” where of course black people named “Leroy” live.

3. Its Trendy

Liking the Cubs right now is trendy. They haven’t won a World Series since 1908, they are located on the North Side and celebrities like them. Bill Murray, John Cusak, and Hillary Clinton (although she flip flops between them and the Yankees) are all Cubs fans. One should keep up to date on things that are trendy in order to befriend more white people. ie) eating expensive Indian food, shopping Organic, or going on a wild rose detox. So for the upcoming season, try to know at least one player on the Chicago Cubs and defend Mark Prior at all costs

4. Comfortable Surroundings

Wrigley Field is known as the Friendly Confines and white people feel comfortable there because other than Ronnie Woo Woo, most Cubs fans are white (and we are not talking about the white people that go to White Sox games). Next to a Dave Matthews Band reunion concert, one can not find a bigger collection of khaki shorts and golf shirts than the Wrigley Bleachers. Also once a friend of mine was sitting in the bleachers next to a pretty girl with an LSU sweater. She was talking about Baton Rouge and said “I love it but I can’t stand all the n%#%%ers” TRUE STORY. What is most disturbing is the fact that she said this in such a nonchalant manner. Simply put, this individual from the south finally found a place in the North where she felt her views were acceptable. I sense that if she were sitting in the Left Field Pavallion at Dodger Stadium, she would not be so open about her true feelings.

So if you find it difficult to befriend white people, it doesn’t help to know a little something about the Cubs and to suggest a trip to Wrigley Field.

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#29 80s Night

If you ever find yourself wanting to take your relationship with white people to the next level, one of the best places to meet a potential partner is at any 80s night event in your local city.

White people cannot get enough of 80s music, partially out of nostalgia, and partially since it was the last time that pop music wasn’t infused with hip-hop or R n’ B stylings.  Artists like Joy Division, New Order and Elvis Costello were all pretty well respected and had solid runs at the charts.  Also, less respected artists like Wham, Rick Astley and Cameo are still easy for white people to dance to.

If you are in a social situation and wish to turn into one more condusive for romance, you should always ask “does anyone know a club with a good 80s night?” at which point the entire group of white people are likely to invite you to an event.

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#28 Not Having a TV

The number one reason why white people like not having a TV is so that they can tell you that they don’t have a TV.

On those lonely nights when white people wish they could be watching American Idol, Lost, or Grey’s Anatomy, they comfort themselves by thinking of how when people talk about the show tomorrow they can say “I didn’t see it, I don’t have a TV.  That stuff rots your brain.”

It is effective in making other white people feel bad, and making themselves feel good about their life and life choices.

Though these people often fill their time by talking with other friends who don’t watch TV about how they don’t watch TV, looking at leaves, cooking, reading books about left wing politics, and going to concerts/protests/poetry slams.

Generally this makes them very boring and gives you very little to talk to them about.  It’s important that you NEVER suggest they are making a mistake or that there is a value to owning a TV.  You should just try to steer the conversation to allow them to talk about how they are better than you.

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#27 Marathons

In life, there are certain milestones of physical activity that can define you.  A sub 5 second 40 yard dash, a 40 inch vertical leap and so forth.  To a white person, the absolute pinnacle of fitness is to run a marathon.  Not to win, just to run.

White people will train for months, telling everyone who will listen about how they get up early in the morning, they run when it rains, how it makes them feels so great and gives them energy.

When they finish the marathon, they will generally take a photo of themselves in a pair of New Balance sneakers, running shorts, and their marathon number with both hands over their head in triumph (seriously, look it up, this is universal).

They will then set goals like running in the Boston Marathon or the New York Marathon.

If you find yourself in a situation where a white person is talking about a marathon, you must be impressed or you will lose favor with them immediately.  Running for a certain length of time on a specific day is a very important thing to a white person and should not be demeaned.

Also worth nothing, more competitive white people prefer triathlons because Kenyans can’t afford $10,000 specialty bicycles.  If the subject ever comes up, just say that triathletes are in better shape than football and basketball players.  It’s not true, but it will make the conversation a lot more genial.

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Often times if you ask a white person about where to travel, you will get a lot of responses. But if you ask them about New York, white people will go nuts. They love the city universally and all either live there, have lived there, will live there or want to live there.

White people like New York because it has artists, restaurants, a subway, history, diversity, plays, and other white people. It literally has everything white people need to thrive! The only thing it’s missing is nature, but Central Park is right there, and since you are walking all the time, you are outside!

If you are from New York, tell this to a white person. They will instantly be interested in you “what part of New York? and you are really from there?” When they inevitably tell you about your home town (“I know this great italian place…”) you should respond by saying “man, I thought place was only known to New Yorkers.”

Another secret fact about white people, if you are in group setting and the topic of New York City comes up, find the highest ranking white person and say “oh, are you from New York?”

To them, this means you are calling them cultured, cool, and urban. They will respond with something like “oh, well, I’ve spent a lot of time there,” or “I lived there for three years.” You will have instantly become more popular than all other people in the group.

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#25 David Sedaris

For many of you, this post will be a confusing as you wonder who exactly this David Sedaris is. He is a humorist who writes for the New Yorker and has seveal books including Barrel Fever and Holidays on Ice.

His stuff is kind of funny, but white people go crazy and will pay hundreds of dollars to hear him read from his own book. Let me say that again, they will pay money to see someone read from a book they have already read. They know the jokes are coming, they know the punch lines, but they feel the need to hear the author actually say it.

White people universally love David Sedaris. So if they ever ask you “who are you favorite authors?” you should always reply “David Sedaris.” They will instantly launch into a story about how much they love his work, and the conversation will go from there, and you don’t have to talk about books any more.

It is also safer than saying Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers, or Shakespeare. White people are very divided on these authors and might actually ask you questions about why you like them. Stick with David Sedaris, you can’t lose! If they do you press you, just say “I read a lot, and I never laugh out loud from a writer, but Sedaris is just brilliant.”

This advice will make white people respect you, trust you and more willing to invite to you parties.

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#24 Wine

There are a lot of cultures that like wine, but the way white people like wine is on a whole different level.

Within white culture, you are expected to know what a good wine is, what wine is not acceptable to like, and the names of prominent wine growing regions.

But because there are thousands of wineries, thousands of wines, and a limited time to try them or learn about it, often times, white people need to fake knowledge.  If they are exposed as not being knowledgeable, they will look like fools and their peers will consistently make jokes about them liking Boone’s Farm, Thunderbird, Steeler, or Lakeport.  This humiliation can crush a white person for years.

When a white person offers you wine, you take a small sip and then say “ooh, that’s nice.  What country is it from?” then they will say the name of the country and you say “I love wines from that country, I would love to get a villa in the wine region there.”  White people will nod in agreement as they all want to have a second home in a wine region like Napa, Tuscany or Santa Barbara.

It is also a good idea to say that your favorite wine is from a small winery called [make up name like 'Spotswood,' 'Red Duck,' Random Spanish name] in [Australia, Argentina, France, California, or Chile] that is hard to get in  whatever country you are in.  White people will be impressed that they have not heard of this wine and consider you to be a very smart person.  They will also make a note to try to find that wine, and when they can’t find it, your status will rise even higher.

Wines that are acceptable: Red, White (less so)

Wines that are unacceptable (unless to be consumed in an ironic fashion): White Zinfandel, wine in a box, Rose, Fortified Wine, Arbor Mist, Chinese Cooking Wine.

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#23 Microbreweries

White people don’t like stuff that’s easy to acquire.  Beer is no exception.

They generally try to avoid beers like Budweiser, Labatt’s, Molson, Coors, and Heineken because if it’s mass produced it is bad.  No exceptions.

So when they need a beer, they turn to microbrews who seem to be located almost exclusively in New England, Ontario, Quebec and Colorado.  Being able to walk into a bar and order a beer that no one has heard of makes white people feel good about their alcohol drinking palate.

A friend of mine once met a white guy who brought a notebook with him to every bar.  He would then keep a record of all the beers he drank and his experience with them.  He called it his ‘beer journal.’

Also of note: most white people want to open a microbrewery at some point.  One that uses organic hops.

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#22 Having Two Last Names

In recent years, white people love giving their children two last names.   This is a direct result of white women thinking it’s sexist and outdated to take on their husband’s name.  It is also sexist that the child would only carry the name of one parent, especially since the unnamed parent is the one who carried the child for nine months. The only logical solution is to give the kid a split last name.  White people can’t get enough of it!

As a result we have children growing up named Elijah Sadler-Moore.

While it’s true that many Spanish speaking cultures do this, often times their names are crazy long but are often shortened into sweet one word nicknames like Pele.  Also, there is a historical precedent.

Being a recent phenomenon, we have yet to see what happens when one split named person marries another split named person.  Does their kid end up with four last names?

I have a feeling that College Lacrosse and Soccer Jerseys are going to look pretty strange in the next few years.

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It’s no secret.  White people want to be writers.  Why wouldn’t they? Work 10 hours a week from a country house in Maine or England.  Get called a genius by other white people, and maybe get your book made into a film.

Every single white person harbors this dream.  No matter what they tell you, all of them have at least one chapter of a novel stashed away somewhere.

Being a marginally crafty race, white people will often seek out every possible route to achieving this goal, and one of the most popular methods has been writers workshops.

These are expensive mini go-to-school type vacations.  Where you talk with a published writer (often someone you haven’t heard of, but they have a book on Amazon) who will tell you how they became writers. If there is time, they will listen to you read your stuff and tell that you it’s good but it needs work on a) structure, b) characters, c) dialogue. Then they will collect their check and go back to their country house or studio apartment in New York.

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White people are pretty conflicted about their culture.  On one hand, they are proud of the art, literature, and film produced by white culture.  But at the same time, they are very ashamed of all the bad things in white culture: the KKK, colonialism, slavery, Jim Crow laws, feudalism, and the treatment of native americans.

One way they can make up for it is becoming marginally acquainted with foreign cultures.   It is generally acceptable for a white person to learn a few terms in a language spoken primary by non-whites (such as Chinese, Tagalog or Portuguese).  They can then use these phrases to order certain ‘more authentic’ dishes in restaurants.

White people can also take passing interest in film, politics, music or art from these countries.  When they actually meet someone from that country, or at least who has parents from that country they cannot wait to engage you in all the details that they have learned.

“Have you heard the new Andy Lau CD? It’s awesome!”

It is imperative that you recognize how special and unique this white person is for knowing about your culture.  Acceptable responses include “Wow, I’ve never seen a white person order chicken feet,” or “How did you find about that film? I didn’t think they had dubbed it yet.”

These responses will fill white people with that self satisfaction they need.  Also, they consider a reminder that they are not racist, which also makes them feel terrific.

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#19 Traveling

hostel.jpgWhite person travelling can be broken into two categories – First World and Third World.

First world is Europe and Japan, and man, this travel is not only beloved but absolutely essential in their development as white people.

Every white person takes at least one trip to Europe between the ages of 17-29. During this time they are likely to wear a back pack, stay at a hostel, meet someone from Ireland/Sweden/Italy with whom they have a memorable experience, get drunk, see some old churches and ride a train.

What’s amazing is that all white people have pretty much the same experience, but all of them believe theirs to be the first of its kind. So much so that they return to North America with ideas of writing novels and screenplays about their experience.

Upon returning home, they will also find an affinity for a particular beer or liquor from a country they visited. They use this as an excuse to mention their travels when at a bar. “Oh, I’ll have a Czechznlishiyush Pilsner. You see, that was my favorite beer when I was travelling through Slovenia and the Czech republic.”

The second type of white person travel is Third World. This is when they venture to Thailand, Africa or South America. Some do it so that they can one up the white people who only go to Europe.

But like with Europe, white people like to believe they are the first white people to make this trip. As such, they should be recognized as special and important individuals.

That’s right, by going to a country, riding around on a bus or train, staying at a hotel or hostel and eating – they are doing something important for the world.

If a white person shows up in your country, you can make them feel fantastic by saying how you’ve never seen a white person before, and that you are amazed by their iPod – “a device that plays many songs? impossible!”

They might give it to you, then you can sell it for profit. Repeat as necessary.

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#18 Awareness

An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe that all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness.”  Meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, and then magically someone else like the government will fix it.

This belief allows them to feel that sweet self-satisfaction without actually having to solve anything or face any difficult challenges.  Because, the only challenge of raising awareness is people not being aware.  In a worst case scenario, if you fail someone doesn’t know about the problem.  End of story.

What makes this even more appealing for white people is that you can raise “awareness” through expensive dinners, parties, marathons, selling t-shirts, fashion shows, concerts, eating at restaurants and bracelets.  In other words, white people just have to keep doing stuff they like, EXCEPT now they can feel better about making a difference.

Raising awareness is also awesome because once you raise awareness to an acceptable, aribtrary level, you can just back off and say “Bam! did my part.  Now it’s your turn.  Fix it.”

So to summarize – you get all the benefits of helping (self satisfaction, telling other people) but no need for difficult decisions or the ensuing criticism (how do you criticize awareness?).  Once again, white people find a way to score that sweet double victory.

Popular things to be aware of: The Environment, Diseases like Cancer and AIDS, Africa, Poverty, Anorexia, Homophobia,  Midde School Field Hockey/Lacrosse teams, Drug Rehab, and political prisoners.

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This topic ties into a number of other posts, but there is no denying that white people hate their parents. What is amazing, is that as a white parent, there is nothing you can do to prevent this.

If you are a strict parent who makes your kid have a curfew, do homework, and not smoke weed – then you are almost guaranteed to have them scream at you, write poems about how much they hate you, relate to songs by bands from Orange County and Florida.

Eventually, they forgive you and thank you for the tough upbringing, but still resent you because their high school experience wasn’t a carbon copy of the OC or My So Called Life.

On the other hand, if you are a super laid back parent who lets your kid go to parties, drink in the house, and you smoke weed together, you are only delaying the hatred. Because these kids eventually end up doing something stupid with their life – dropping out of university, trying to become a painter, or spending time in a Thai prison. At which point, they hate YOU for being too lax and not caring enough.

But take note that this hatred can be used for gain. White people love to talk about how much they hate their parents, so if you are in a situation where you need to gain a white person’s trust, ask them about their parents. But under no circumstances should you try to one up them, regardless of whether or not you were an orphan, abused, or watched your parents get shot. If you bring this up, the white person will never talk to you about their problems again, and you will be unable to gain their trust.

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