#48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops
February 3, 2008 by clander
White people need organic food to survive, and where they purchase this food is as important as what they purchase. In modern white person culture, Whole Foods has replaces churches and cathedrals as the most important and relevant buildings in the community.
There are some regions that do not have Whole Foods, but do have an abundance of white people (college towns), in these situations Whole Foods can be substituted with a local co-op grocery store where you have to pay a membership to shop there.
All of these stores are pretty much the same – lots of vegetables, grain fed free range meat and eggs, and soy everything. They are also characterized by an outrageously large section of vitamins, supplements, and natural oils. There are natural, handmade soaps which give these stores a unique and uniform smell.
Many white people consider shopping at Whole Foods to be a religious experience, allowing them feel good about their consumption. The use of paper bags, biodegradable packaging, and the numerous pamphlets outlining the company’s police on hormones, genetically modified food and energy savings. This is in spite of the fact that Whole Foods is a profit driven-publicly traded corporation that has wisely discovered that making white people feel good about buying stuff is outrageously profitable.
As you walk through Whole Foods/Co-op you will see white people pushing carts buying things like Flaxseed Oil, wine, Tofu versions of meat, and organic kohlrabi. They also provide prepared foods, that single white people often purchase to avoid cooking.
This is important information, as this section of the store is loaded with single white people.
These stores are excellent for bringing children, as there is nothing that they actually want.
“Oh, mommy, look chocolate!”
“No Joshua, that’s carob.”
“I want it.”
“Ok.”
The child will then take a bite and realize that nothing in the store can be trusted.
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Don’t you mean, “policy”? :
“…numerous pamphlets outlining the company’s police on hormones…”
Please refer to “Things white people like: GRAMMAR”. Maybe you should add “CORRECT SPELLING” to the list!
LMAO, this site is hilarious and way too true
Keep up the good work.
I hate The Food Hole. I have one right next to my office and go in there from time to time looking for good deals, clearances, day old shit… there isn’t any, ever. Everything is totally f-ing expensive. I throm no hard-earned dough down The Food Hole.
Todd: Check out Stuffwhitepeoplelike.com. Guess it’s been around a while and mighty funny.
Scott: But I thought everyone liked those things…
Todd: Apparently not.
Scott: Are you saying, categorically, that non-whites come down on the side against fresh produce?
Todd: I think everyone likes fresh produce, but I think it is the way white people like and treat their fresh produce that is most pertinent. A non-white man walks down the street eating a pear the same way he walks down the street eating a hogie. Not so, the white man. There are stark differences in stride and carriage. No, the white man walks with his chin a little higher and feels a little smarter with fresh fruit in hand. There is a strut. It says, emphatically, “This could be you! I am connected, happy, in proper alignment. I am one with the world.”
And he wants people to take notice of this one-ness, particularly the people who are presently walking with a hogie or a bag of Fiddle Faddle.
Scott: Sometimes Todd, I just have no idea what planet you live on.
dead on todd!
hey todd how about “stuff the up tight upper class douches of society like” from all ethnicities
[...] Stuff White People Like sardonically says: Many white people consider shopping at Whole Foods to be a religious experience, [...]
The reason why this is all so funny is that most of the world cultures know what their culture is. Japanese people like sushi and historically wore kimonos; In India, people don’t eat cows; Africans have rich and diverse and unique cultures all over that continent, and Black Americans have all sorts of music and dancing traditionally associated with their culture. In North America, every white person is technically an immigrant, leaving some culture behind somewhere in our past, but somehow we have come together to create a new intellectual collective which means WE DON’T REALLY HAVE A CULTURE. We’re just the white people who go around talking loudly and trying to make ourselves look smart (and failing miserably) because we don’t really know who we are or why we’re here. We like to pretend we’re unique and individual, “I like organic food; I like yoga and meditation; I like Japanese comics…” because it gives us a sense of self, which is funny because it ends up being just the same as everyone else down your street. Those of you who have lost your ties to your cultural roots — This blog/book is for you.
Actually thinking Japanese like sushi is a white stereotype
aside from the broad overstatements in the beginning, i see what you mean..
we can learn tolerance and understanding when we realize together we are a culture and as a collective society make our place in history
In Ronald Reagan’s farewell address he predicted that people would teach their children to question patriotism and what it means to be born an American, and in 10 or 20 years America would turn into a nation of self-loathing.
wow! intresting looks like we are proving him to be something of a prophet or it may have just been an obvious observation of the fact that the paraniod and delusional drug using “hippies” would soon be running our great nation and influencing everything from media, popculture, educational institutions etc.. hopfully things get better with a new generation of leadership.
actually everyone in north america is “technically” an imagrant aside from native americans not just “whites” that is why our melting pot called america is the most diverse and culturally rich nation to ever grace our beautiful blue planet our uniqueness sets the bar for the rest of the world all free poeples of earth united.
this stage has been set by our ingenious “white” forefathers the grand plan for a utopian society and world peace and for the advancement of humankind. unfortunatly this is a long and extremly bumpy road that takes decades or centuries with many achievements and mistakes as great or horrable as they may be. in our day with all these wonderful achievements in civil rights and such… with all the work we still have left to do we can start by eliminating this double standard wheras “whites”civil rights and feeling can be infringed apon and trampled on without reaction or concequence but “whites”must respect all other ethicities (and rightly so ) or be labeled and condemed and suffer concequences like we see in the news i.e. certain sportscasters, talkshow hosts, actors,many other famous faces, aswell as ordinary “white” people who have lost jobs been fined or even jailed for expressing judgemental views (right or wrong) about other ethic groups please lets stop the madness.lets replace the term “whites” for a moment with “european americans”( if we must paint with a broad brush) for a moment. now re-read please!
oh! and speak for your self lucyface the self loathig “white” i know where i come from i am northern european more specifically irish and welsh or celtic
my ancestors came here to find work and escape oppression for example my irish ancestors oppressed by the english, poverty stricken, and dying because of a certain potato famine escaped to america and were met with a hail storm of stones ,bricks and predjiduce forced to join the civil war to gain citizenship they found oppression at it’s best(i.e. irish need not apply,irish the N’word of europe ,cartoons depicting the irish imigrants as sub-human etc…) do a little research or as i tell some of my new imigrant friends when they complain that they are not treated fairly just watch the movie “gangs of new york”. my ancestors both irish and welsh came to this country as lower class laborors such as stone masons, blacksmiths, and shoe cobblers who were oppressed not the oppresser never owned slaves and made thier way in this great country and left some of thier traditions at home and adopted others from other cultures in america like italians,german,greek,russian,dutch,polish,french to name a few as well as other “whites” or europeans or in this case european- americans and also lets not forget african,american indian,latino and others. i know my roots and am extremly proud that is why your comments and this web site i find distasteful,discraceful,and i never thought i’d say it offensive
Q: Do you know why the wheelbarrow was invented?
A: So the Irish could have training wheels.
sir, that is an excellent irish joke i know that one and tell it quite frequently as well as
how do you stop a polish tank?
shoot the guy pushing it!
or how about
what do you call a black guy having sex?
rape!
or maybe
how do you blind fold a chinese guy?
with dental floss?
hmmm… i wonder wich of these will be found offensive by americans of european decent?
why are whites ridiculous when they get offended but every other species of man its justified.
Oh my gosh! me too! I just found this site cause I googled Whole Foods for my husband. We just found out he is allergic to gluten. Who knew, this site is freakin awesome. I’m gonna tell all of my friends.
ya and black people like watermelon and fried chicken while white men cant jump black men cant read
hahaha.. I just found this when I was googling whole foods to find a place to go for lunch. I must be white.
I only saw the book of this, I never knew you had a website.. I’m so excited!
This is absolutely, totally too good to pass up forwarding onto everyone I know! Why? Because it’s all true!!
This is too good to resist … right up my Little Ms. Ornery alley!
Thanks!!
A Non-Groupie “White Person”
Whole Foods drove out the Patisserie and Kimuraya Bakery from the local mall. I was greatly saddened.
On another note, I want to say just take it in stride people. It’s just a joke. But sometimes I can’t tell if you guys are trolling or stating your honest opinions. So I’ll just shut up now.
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