#51 Living by the water
February 4, 2008 by clander
It is hardly a secret that all white people love being near water. And why wouldn’t they? It has so many of the activities that they love to do: swimming, kayaking, canoeing, sailing, and it’s a perfect place to read next to.
But before we move on, let’s not gloss over that last point. White people love to be near a body of water so they can read a book, while sitting nearby. The process of reading is somehow heightened through the process of doing it near some water. Extreme reading!
But when you think long term, it’s important to realize that all white people either own/wish to own/plan to own/will own some sort of property near a body of water. Rather than say all white people want to live on the ocean, it’s important to break it up and apply it across the regions.
On the west coast, all white people want to live as close to the beach as possible. One look at the demographics for Manhattan Beach, Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Newport Beach, and Laguna Beach will reveal this fact through tangible numbers.
On the East Coast, many white people dream of owning ocean front property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog.
And in the landlocked states, the dream of lakefront property is alive and well.
It is also worth noting that often times, white people will purchase second homes near water if they cannot accommodate the dream in their own city. Often times they want to buy within driving distance, but the need for life near water is so great that they will even consider buying in other countries.
To a white person, a view of water from your house is the greatest achievement in life. And you should remember this when discussing your hopes and dreams with white people. It is also important that you choose a water sport (swimming, fishing, kayaking, etc) that you pretend to like. That way, you can talk about how when you move to your waterfront property you can just wake up in the morning and [insert outdoor activity], right from your front door.
Mountain views are also acceptable, but generally seen as a poor substitute.
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Most of this list is true and funny. I love it. I think one of the reasons that white people like to live near the water is because most black people don’t know how to swim. Most black people can’t afford to live near the water so white people naturally want to move towards the water to escape ignorance.
I’m with Kyle on this one. I can’t even fathom that there are people in the world stupid enough to utter this nonsense, particularly if it is not as a joke.
dude i really hope you’re not being serious when you say most of this is true.
This is the funniest shit I’ve ever seen.
BUT! what if you’re white and you grow up on the water? what then? i grew up on the water, so was my entire childhood a paradisical, elysian-field like existence without my even knowing it? am i so happy because i a) grew up on water or b)i’m white? or does the combination of the two just make all of you want to kill yourselves with jealousy? the sad thing: now that i moved away from my cihldhood home to pursue a useless degree in some sort of liberal art, it’s all downhill from here. and i can’t go back to where i grew up–that would be horribly un-white. someone help.
Go Back!! Be un White be happy. Teach kyaking or sailing or write a newspaper column next to the water.
Hmmm … it’s a conundrum to say the least.
The one thing you have on your side is an intimate familiarity with water.
Other white people might actually one day afford to live next to a body of water, but they won’t know a jib from a boom.
You do.
It’s something no one can take away from you.
I am in a similar predicament having left the Rocky Mountains to pursue a similarly useless liberal arts degree … there’s no going back.
I think it’s a rule that when you graduate from Michigan, you have to move to Hermosa/Mahattan beach, take up surfing, and have super bowl parties with all of your friends from college. Ultimately, one in this position should aspire to become a successful commercial real estate broker, and move to Santa Monica to marry a girl from Northern California that owns a pilates studio.
[...] bad about not going outside #19 Traveling #25 David Sedaris #28 Not Having a TV #40 Apple Products #51 Living by the water #53 Dogs #58 Japan #61 Bicycles #71 Being the only white person around #78 Multilingual Children [...]
If living near the water isn’t your lifes dream, then why don’t all the people living in public housing that consumes prime ocean front real estate, like Coney Isalnd and Rockaway Beach, LEAVE so we white people can live there.
Including Queensbridge projects and all the other NYCHA housing on the North West side of Queens…. they have the best views, and subsudised rent – and are a 15 minutes train ride out of Manhattan… But you have to be poor to live there, figures. (for the record most of these housing projects are about 20% white – with the exception of Queensbridge – )
You know, I am a “tall honkey”, so to speak, a white guy who fits your loose description, an instance of “white people”.
My family, in the summer, we like to hang out at our cottage on the west shore of Green Bay,WI (inlet of Lake Michigan); and cook out, fish, sail, etc. I like to sail my little Hobie Cataramaran from there. I am educated (Bachelors Degree), and I am an Active Duty Army Veteran. I am white, yes, but I have had many, many friends of mine who are not (these guys and gals are native American, black, and asian) come out on the boat with me. (The women in sexy bikinis, [grin]. We REALLY enjoy our times together. We sail out and check out Longtail Beach. We throw a firsbee, drink beers together, and cook out, then sail back. I have to say that, really, my life has been GREATLY ENHANCED by those of other cultures…
So yeah, I read your blog, and yeah, I laugh at your stereotyping of white Americans, but I take it with a certain “grain of salt”, so to speak. A lot of what you have to say rings true, but yet, people have a way of pleasantly surprising you when you least expect it. I’ve had the firsthand pleasure of having become enriched by other cultures.
For instance, I take guitar lessons from an afro-american MASTER (the guy is awesome), and I was taught to fish (the guy is equally awesome), (quite well, I might add) by an Hmong Asian friend of mine.
Me? I’m a 6 and a half foot tall, open minded white guy, with a decent sense of humor.
The thing is, or it boils down to, the fact that we cannot choose our race or form when we come into this world, when we are born, but we all can learn useful lessons and tips/tricks about this life, from one another…
Great blog, unmet friend. Keep it up. It is entertaining to the full-most. It helps all of us to understand our unique differences. I appreciate it. I learn from it. Job well done.
-Jason
Your trying to hard Jason….just laugh, and don’t feel guilty about it.
Um I think you meant to post that on Craigslist mate.
Either that or you were doing that white person thing where you give an unsolicited biography and make sure to mention some random token examples of diversity then sign off with an outdated greeting that’s almost a cliche but isn’t ironic or particularly clever
The blog is tongue-in-cheek anyways; exaggerating to make a point which is always interesting.
Way to have a sense of humour Jason and as I’ve said on another post – we kid because we love
This is the funniest blog I have ever read. You have nailed it, nailed it, nailed it. It is painful it’s so funny. I am white, and sadly, yes, I like most everything on the list. Including Wes Anderson movies, architecture, grammar, coffee. On and on.
I am only saddened that some folks do not seem to recognize satire. Incidentally, is “satire” going to make the list? I see the Daily Show/Colbert Report are already there…
I like you enjoy many of these things an am white. It is funny.
Yea, what p said, I mean if only white people liked those things. There would be alot of bored shirtless dead people.
this blog is hilarious and to be honest i find most of these things apply to me even though i am not white. i have facebook, love t-shirts, pretty much only drink bottled or filtered water, eat sushi, belong to netflix, live by the water and hope to own a property on the water in the future, snowboard, love microbrews and wine, travel like crazy, and the list only goes on. keep it going dude! all the criticizers need to relax.
wow! your just like a white person, what’s the secret of selling out?
clever rhyming Indian named man. the secret is a white only secret. you must listen to death cab for cuite first, padawan.
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