#54 Kitchen Gadgets
February 5, 2008 by clander
White people are under a lot of pressure to like cooking. Everything in their culture tells them that they need to have a nice kitchen and that they need to cook with organic, fresh ingredients to make delicious, complicated food.
Though any great chef can prepare fantastic meals with a knife and a few pots, white people believe that they need a full cadre of appliances and gadgets in their kitchen in order to live up to the pressure.
If you go into a white person’s kitchen you will find a waffle maker, a rice cooker, a steamer, a food processor, a panini press and a blender. They also have hand powered devices like flour sifters, ravioli crimpers, pizza cutters, potato ricers, and a sushi mat.
But, in order for them to truly enter into whitedom, they need to 
own the holy grail of white kitchens – the kitchen aid stand mixer (right). They will match this mixer to their kitchen’s color scheme and it will make up the focal point. And much like many religious artifacts, it will remain untouched for months and even years, sitting on the counter to be admired as a testament to their lifestyle.
Kitchen Gadgets also serve as one of the main reasons why white people get married. Look at their registry and you will find gadgets for any possible task in the kitchen. If you end up buying one of these for a white person, your card should make reference to them using a lot to make beautiful food that you hope you can eat one day. This kind of stuff goes over like gang busters.
If you find yourself in a conversation about these things, a good way to say a little but mean a lot is to mention that you “find the consumer models to be poorly built, my friend, a chef, brings me with him to a restaurant supply shop that’s not open to the public. The stuff there is real quality, it’s where I get all of my pans.”
If this is too big of a risk, you should just throw out a combination of these words: “le Creuset, Calphalon, All Clad, Williams Sonoma, and Sur Le Table.” White people go so nuts when they hear these words, you won’t even have to finish your sentence.
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>> Lisa W.
I friggin’ love my Barbour. I have the blackish-navy equestrian-length Bedale. That reminds me, I need to wax it before winter.
Oh yeah, back to kitchen toys. There is no doubt as to my whiteness. But I do use my stuff at least once or twice a week.
A couple years ago, I got sick of takeout and delivery food and decided I was finally going to learn to cook. To that end, I started buying the good s**t so I won’t ever have to buy it again.
My long-awaited matte gray KitchenAid mixer (a birthday present from my parents), is en route. Sur La Table has them on sale and is offering free shipping so I jumped. I plan on calling it Jesus Christ Jr. because when my dad found out how much my mom’s KA cost, he exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!” It’s been known as the Jesus Christ mixer ever since.
The arsenal:
* All-Clad skillet and saucier
* Calphalon SS sautee pan, small SS sauce pan, NS frying pan and NS wok
* Emile Henry tagine in Fig (used a handful of times) and lasagna pan (light green)
* Le Creuset collection: 2 dutch ovens (cobalt and flame – which usually sit on the stove), an enameled cast iron (red) and a couple baking dishes (again, cobalt and flame).
* Henckels knives (which I don’t trust myself to sharpen, so I take them to SLT a couple times a year when they do it for free)
* Kyocera ceramic paring knife
* Cheapy Black & Decker blender but it gets the job done
* Cuisinart mini-prep food processor
* Krups cappucino maker (only gets used on weekends)
On the to-buy list:
* Pineapple corer
* Emile Henry pie plate (but not until I start baking more regularly)
* Juicer and pasta attachments for the KitchenAid. Took a class last year and the saffron papardelle we made was insanely good. Only problem is you need like 8 people to hold the sheets of dough it puts out. Unfortunately, I don’t think the other inhabitants of my apartment — Kitler and Eva — would be much help. Although Kitler does have frying pan paws …
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I don’t cook much but still love kitchen gadgets!?!?
I have been interested in getting a waffle maker but too expensive.
I just spent four hours combined in Anthropologie, Crate & Barrel, and Williams Sonoma, ogling over all of the stuff there.
Hate you, SWPL. HATE.
No, you weirdo.
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