#54 Kitchen Gadgets
February 5, 2008 by clander
White people are under a lot of pressure to like cooking. Everything in their culture tells them that they need to have a nice kitchen and that they need to cook with organic, fresh ingredients to make delicious, complicated food.
Though any great chef can prepare fantastic meals with a knife and a few pots, white people believe that they need a full cadre of appliances and gadgets in their kitchen in order to live up to the pressure.
If you go into a white person’s kitchen you will find a waffle maker, a rice cooker, a steamer, a food processor, a panini press and a blender. They also have hand powered devices like flour sifters, ravioli crimpers, pizza cutters, potato ricers, and a sushi mat.
But, in order for them to truly enter into whitedom, they need to 
own the holy grail of white kitchens – the kitchen aid stand mixer (right). They will match this mixer to their kitchen’s color scheme and it will make up the focal point. And much like many religious artifacts, it will remain untouched for months and even years, sitting on the counter to be admired as a testament to their lifestyle.
Kitchen Gadgets also serve as one of the main reasons why white people get married. Look at their registry and you will find gadgets for any possible task in the kitchen. If you end up buying one of these for a white person, your card should make reference to them using a lot to make beautiful food that you hope you can eat one day. This kind of stuff goes over like gang busters.
If you find yourself in a conversation about these things, a good way to say a little but mean a lot is to mention that you “find the consumer models to be poorly built, my friend, a chef, brings me with him to a restaurant supply shop that’s not open to the public. The stuff there is real quality, it’s where I get all of my pans.”
If this is too big of a risk, you should just throw out a combination of these words: “le Creuset, Calphalon, All Clad, Williams Sonoma, and Sur Le Table.” White people go so nuts when they hear these words, you won’t even have to finish your sentence.
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Does the kind of Stuff White People Like include things like
Justice, Equality, and Truth?
http://www.survival-international.org
Yeah so just because I’m not out there fighting for “Justice, Equality, and Truth” doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy my new Smood potato masher!!
http://www.dreamfarm.com.au/smood.cfm
When did life become so complicated? Can’t we just enjoy our fabulous kitchen gadgets and all get along?!?!
I want this post to prove that I’m not as white as the usual white people; I do indeed cook, love it, but I don’t have a fab kitchen and I resist buying kitchen gadgets. However I do have a KA stand mixer, wedding gift, which does not match my kitchen decor and lives in a cupboard when I’m not using it. (anti-establishment white person)
And I do have three All-clad pans and one Le Creuset. BUT the All-clad doesn’t match. Matchy-matchy is nouveau riche.
I think a really advanced white person has read Laurie Colwin’s essay on the “Frugal Persons Batterie De Cuisine” and has acquired vintage cast iron ware and kitchen gadgets at tag sales, Junior League thrift shops, and estate auctions. I only buy vintage cast iron if I can help it. Any arriviste can shop the Williams-Sonoma catalog.
If you are a very rich advanced white person, you can go to that vintage kitchen implements store at the Ferry Building in San Francisco (where they have the world’s most exclusive Farmers Market) and buy antique copper pots and coffee grinders imported from France. Ding, ding, ding – multiple white people points.
Boy, for a partial white person who tries to be less white and consume lower than my demographic group, I sure have good ideas about how to one-up many of your list items. You ought to pay me to consult on tuning up your food snob section…
I have a pizza cutter, since I buy that frozen McCains pizza deal for $6.49 from the Price Chopper.
What in the HELL do you need a ‘rice steamer’ for? Are you serious? People pay MONEY for that??
That’s messed up.
Ravioli… ‘crimper’?
I remember buying my mom (yup, white) a Kitchen Aid thing for Christmas when I was a teen. She went NUTS! The stupid thing cost over $250, weighted like 35 pounds, and all it does is STIR STUFF in the bowl.
HUH?
But it made her Christmas..
[...] I some day hope to have the big fancy stand mixer (yes, just like they say in the oft referenced Stuff White People Like). In the meantime, I am using the stand mixer that I inherited from my [...]
Late to the game on this one, but:
* Want to see a stunning display of self love? Find the comment by “Surlabob.” Someone get him a tissue or two. Geez.
* Captain Garbarrassing: Driving page views (of your sad blog) using this method is @#$%ing pathetic. Loser.
This is so amusing to me. My husband and I don’t own any of the specialized gadgets mentioned in the blog post (such as a “ravioli crimper”).
However, we own the exact two appliances pictured.
i have all those things at my home and in my RV. This weekend while camping I used my electric roaster to roast a turkey. yes, I went horse back riding while my turkey roasted. What a life, I’m white
I’m white and the only kitchen gadget I like is the microwave for my frozen mac and cheese.
Um….that’s me. I have used my Kitchen-Aide Mixer once since I got it. And I purposefully put it on my counter, as if it is a status symbol. And I keep telling my boyfriend we should get married so we could get free kitchen stuff!
le Creuset is elite! HA!
This is soooo me!
[...] yeah, yeah… but kitchen gadgets are irresistible and there are plenty that would agree with me. Still, this set is the kind of thing that Wal-Mart, Target or any number [...]
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