#54 Kitchen Gadgets
February 5, 2008 by clander
White people are under a lot of pressure to like cooking. Everything in their culture tells them that they need to have a nice kitchen and that they need to cook with organic, fresh ingredients to make delicious, complicated food.
Though any great chef can prepare fantastic meals with a knife and a few pots, white people believe that they need a full cadre of appliances and gadgets in their kitchen in order to live up to the pressure.
If you go into a white person’s kitchen you will find a waffle maker, a rice cooker, a steamer, a food processor, a panini press and a blender. They also have hand powered devices like flour sifters, ravioli crimpers, pizza cutters, potato ricers, and a sushi mat.
But, in order for them to truly enter into whitedom, they need to 
own the holy grail of white kitchens – the kitchen aid stand mixer (right). They will match this mixer to their kitchen’s color scheme and it will make up the focal point. And much like many religious artifacts, it will remain untouched for months and even years, sitting on the counter to be admired as a testament to their lifestyle.
Kitchen Gadgets also serve as one of the main reasons why white people get married. Look at their registry and you will find gadgets for any possible task in the kitchen. If you end up buying one of these for a white person, your card should make reference to them using a lot to make beautiful food that you hope you can eat one day. This kind of stuff goes over like gang busters.
If you find yourself in a conversation about these things, a good way to say a little but mean a lot is to mention that you “find the consumer models to be poorly built, my friend, a chef, brings me with him to a restaurant supply shop that’s not open to the public. The stuff there is real quality, it’s where I get all of my pans.”
If this is too big of a risk, you should just throw out a combination of these words: “le Creuset, Calphalon, All Clad, Williams Sonoma, and Sur Le Table.” White people go so nuts when they hear these words, you won’t even have to finish your sentence.
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Yup!
We have a red kitchenaid cuisineart mixer that exactly matches the red tiles in our kitchen! And a blender and and a food processor and 2 waffle makers and a sandwich maker and a hot air popcorn popper and an orange juicer and a breadmaker that was in the way and we never used so it’s in the laundry room…
When I worked at Linens-N-Things, the easiest thing to sell in the world was a KitchenAid of Cuisinart stand mixer. They had more attatchments than would ever be necessary. We also sold a lot of useless coffee/tea/hot choclate makers.
I never understood why you needed to rotate those waffle irons. Aren’t both sides hot?
Not evenly distributed.
[...] waffle irons, the almighty kitchen aid stand mixer and ice cream makers, you are bound to have more kitchen gadgets than you know what to do with. Not to mention a cupboard’s worth of manuals which you will have [...]
How many different types of whisk are there now? I’d like to start a cute collection. Does that make me more dorkily white or less dorkily white?
Ok so i’m not white, but im pretty sure white people don’t have rice cookers. when every i tell my friends i have a rice cooker they’re all like WOAHHHHHH thats so asian!!!!!
If what you’re friends are saying is correct, Roger Ebert must be “So Asian.” From the NYTimes Magazine about three years ago:
Favorite gadget: You can live your entire life never cooking with anything but a rice cooker. In fact, I’ve been threatening to write the rice-cooker cookbook. There’s a warning on my machine that says, ”Do not cook anything in this but rice.” But there’s no reason for that warning. You can make stews, soups and pasta in it.
I love my rice cooker, too. For my Asian wife, it’s a necessity (see #11)
I love my rice cooker.
I’m white and have a rice cooker, but I’m probably in the minority, since the other week it came up in conversation and my friends thought it was so bizarre to have an appliance just for cooking rice.
[...] going to wait to put this on any sort of gift registry and bought it myself. No matter what Stuff White People Like say, my KitchenAid mixer gets a lot of attention; it mixes a lot of dough, whips up cookies galore, [...]
http://thedailypsa.blogspot.com/ – Read “Kinda weird… ” (July 3, 2008)
LOL We have a kitchen aid. We have a ton of random crap in our house. Its super clean and spiffy lol but we have a ton of stuff to make raw food with. We are those stereotypical vegan, organic whites lol. I like the vitamix better than the kitchen aid though! I am laughing so hard right now. This site is really funny.
I just made KitchenAid red part of my kitchen color scheme so I didn’t have to worry about my kitchen gadgets matching.
KitchenAid is a home appliance brand owned by Whirlpool Corporation. The company was started in 1919 by The Hobart Corporation to give restaurants
Well Aren’t You Just Mr/Mrs Smarty Pants!
(I Can Wiki Too!)
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