#54 Kitchen Gadgets
February 5, 2008 by clander
White people are under a lot of pressure to like cooking. Everything in their culture tells them that they need to have a nice kitchen and that they need to cook with organic, fresh ingredients to make delicious, complicated food.
Though any great chef can prepare fantastic meals with a knife and a few pots, white people believe that they need a full cadre of appliances and gadgets in their kitchen in order to live up to the pressure.
If you go into a white person’s kitchen you will find a waffle maker, a rice cooker, a steamer, a food processor, a panini press and a blender. They also have hand powered devices like flour sifters, ravioli crimpers, pizza cutters, potato ricers, and a sushi mat.
But, in order for them to truly enter into whitedom, they need to 
own the holy grail of white kitchens – the kitchen aid stand mixer (right). They will match this mixer to their kitchen’s color scheme and it will make up the focal point. And much like many religious artifacts, it will remain untouched for months and even years, sitting on the counter to be admired as a testament to their lifestyle.
Kitchen Gadgets also serve as one of the main reasons why white people get married. Look at their registry and you will find gadgets for any possible task in the kitchen. If you end up buying one of these for a white person, your card should make reference to them using a lot to make beautiful food that you hope you can eat one day. This kind of stuff goes over like gang busters.
If you find yourself in a conversation about these things, a good way to say a little but mean a lot is to mention that you “find the consumer models to be poorly built, my friend, a chef, brings me with him to a restaurant supply shop that’s not open to the public. The stuff there is real quality, it’s where I get all of my pans.”
If this is too big of a risk, you should just throw out a combination of these words: “le Creuset, Calphalon, All Clad, Williams Sonoma, and Sur Le Table.” White people go so nuts when they hear these words, you won’t even have to finish your sentence.
Pages: « 25 … 23 22 21 20 19 [18] 17 16 15 14 13 … 1 » Show All
I love kitchen gadgets. I really can’t cook though. But I will not apologize for it.
Love to eat, someone use my kitchen gadgets and cook for me!
I have a COMBINATION panini press/waffle iron. The mother of all white people gadgets.
Wait… I have eight of these stand mixers, well, actually, I have seven. Seven Kitchenaid stand mixers. The eighth is a commercial Hobart 5 quart mixer. The Kitchenaids just were too, well, consumer grade. Except for the 1930′s Model G Kitchenaid. But you even get to mentioning that aspect of kitchen gadgetry.
But the others? You have to have wafflemakers. How else are you going to make waffles? And blenders. Needed for margaritas. That’s about as far as I go. Well, except for flour sifters and pizza cutters. But I regularly USE these things. Heck, I even have a Sears Craftsman bottle opener for opening my ale (the stuff made by monks in a Belgian monastery).
Pannini maker? Well, I just use a plain old cast iron skillet – two actually – when I want to make pannini-type sammiches (actually, I don’t make pannini-type sammiches, but I DO make grilled cheese) I heat both skillets – then put the sammich into one with butter and a little butter on top. Set the second hot skillet into the first, on top of the sammich.
I own a bright yellow KitchenAid mixer. LOL But I really do use mine. At least 3 times a month.
[...] Like White on Rice Through an interesting (and unsolicited) blog linking system that WordPress generates, I made my way to a very funny blog called “Stuff White People Like.” My two favorite entries (after perusing more than I’d care to divulge) are on Grammar and Kitchen Gadgets. [...]
[...] unsubscribing from many, many tempting email things offering discounts at Eddie Bauer, Bose, Williams Sonoma, Talbots, Sierra Trading Post. Gawd, how white am [...]
My wife asked for a year to own a Kitchen Aid mixer. Told me how much easier it will make her life and how much better home made bread and pastries taste homemade; however, it is too much work without the mixer (much like cutting the grass for a white man in the south, where I live, and not having a John Deere or Dixie Chopper riding lawn mower to cut their 1/16th acre of land). I gave in one Christmas and had dreams that I would wake up to the smell of freshly baked cranberry scones (muffins are not white enough) and rough cut oatmeal and raisin cookies. My wife has used the product one time in about two years to make mashed potatoes. Although, I can relate to almost all of the things on this list, this one hits hardest.
You forgot Wustoff knives. They are the best! (and yes, I own all of the brands listed in this post. And yes, I’m white:-)
I own a mean lean fat-reducing machine grill with the George Foreman pic, autograph and seal of approval. He knows white people got money to buy anything patented by…a black man. HA HA Got ya last! +
Don’t fuck with the waffle maker, me being a Swedish college student, I could not live without it…..more important than the frying pan, really =)
I love this blog. My wife cooked like a dream with a very meagre kitchen – one cutting board, a couple of knives and a spoon, a few pots. Typical of a rented flat in Ukraine. Now we are in our own home and slowly filling the cupboard with gadgets to make life easier. It doesn’t improve the cooking. Why do we do it? Maybe because she never had these things before. Maybe so we both can show off: that I can afford them for her and that she has such a husband.
Pages: « 25 … 23 22 21 20 19 [18] 17 16 15 14 13 … 1 » Show All