#54 Kitchen Gadgets
February 5, 2008 by clander
White people are under a lot of pressure to like cooking. Everything in their culture tells them that they need to have a nice kitchen and that they need to cook with organic, fresh ingredients to make delicious, complicated food.
Though any great chef can prepare fantastic meals with a knife and a few pots, white people believe that they need a full cadre of appliances and gadgets in their kitchen in order to live up to the pressure.
If you go into a white person’s kitchen you will find a waffle maker, a rice cooker, a steamer, a food processor, a panini press and a blender. They also have hand powered devices like flour sifters, ravioli crimpers, pizza cutters, potato ricers, and a sushi mat.
But, in order for them to truly enter into whitedom, they need to 
own the holy grail of white kitchens – the kitchen aid stand mixer (right). They will match this mixer to their kitchen’s color scheme and it will make up the focal point. And much like many religious artifacts, it will remain untouched for months and even years, sitting on the counter to be admired as a testament to their lifestyle.
Kitchen Gadgets also serve as one of the main reasons why white people get married. Look at their registry and you will find gadgets for any possible task in the kitchen. If you end up buying one of these for a white person, your card should make reference to them using a lot to make beautiful food that you hope you can eat one day. This kind of stuff goes over like gang busters.
If you find yourself in a conversation about these things, a good way to say a little but mean a lot is to mention that you “find the consumer models to be poorly built, my friend, a chef, brings me with him to a restaurant supply shop that’s not open to the public. The stuff there is real quality, it’s where I get all of my pans.”
If this is too big of a risk, you should just throw out a combination of these words: “le Creuset, Calphalon, All Clad, Williams Sonoma, and Sur Le Table.” White people go so nuts when they hear these words, you won’t even have to finish your sentence.
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This is perhaps the most poignant thing i have every read..how sad
[...] Kitchen gadgets: “But, in order for them to truly enter into whitedom, they need to own the holy grail of [...]
Wow. Normally I find this blog funny but sterotyping – ie, no one actually fits the bill, and it oversimplies. This one, though… wow. It’s like you’ve met my wife and been in our kitchen. We have everything you mentioned except the ravioli crimper and pizza cutter. All of it. And all those brand names.
That said, most of it actually sees pretty regular use, since we like to spend most of every Sunday cooking.
Oh, and I’ve seen most of the same stuff in the kitchen at my black neighbour’s house… so maybe this blog should be renamed “Stuff Yuppies Like”.
“Though any great chef can prepare fantastic meals with a knife and a few pots”
Apparently you never watch the Food Network. How the hell is a pizza cuter a gedget?
Pizza cutters are HORRIBLE!.. try just cutting it with a chef’s knife… like 100x faster, and you don;t get all the mess and crap. I was a line cook for years and the owner would always get us a pizza cutter and NO ONE would ever use it!.. that being said though, it probably really killed the knives cutting pizza on metal pans, but just slide it on a cutting board. the pizza cutters are horribly slow and usually totally suck at even being able to get through the crust. Also, one of my biggest pet peeves is using a carrot peeler to peel potatoes!… its sooo slow! use a peering knife,so much easier. also, I’ve seen soo many people (including me before I actually was told that its a carrot peeler not a potato peeler) cut a hunk of their finger and nail off trying to maneuver around a potato with a carrot peeler. but we were also always rushed for time and stuff… so that might have been a factor lol.
I think its funny to see a chiche that white people go nuts over brand names. Honestly, half beatn’ up pans from my mom, spatulas, and enough room to acutally make things, is my style. Maybe its because I was brought up to know more about the food im cookin than the dishes I’ll later have to wash.
On a side note. Now that ya’ll mention it.. A waffle iron would be fantastic.
I’m a shameless mooch who just wants to befriend white people to borrow their waffle makers. Ha!
I can befriend white yuppie couples even more, perhaps be an influence on the children and the wife
I’m gonna become the American Rasputin, the kind of guy who hangs out with the right crowd for the wrong reasons. If you don’t know who he is, head to wikipedia and type in Rasputin (not hard). +
That’s so true! White people love to go to William Sonoma and buy things that cut specific , while I can do exactly what they can do with only a semi-melted spatula and two forks!
Actually … you sound like a white student.
Do you also serve Chianti in small mason jars that you got full of home made jam in a care package?
Pop a candle in an old wine bottle, and viola, you can throw a bohemian chic dinner party in your dorm room.
My cousin is into cooking and she has very few of these gadgets. She said what one needs the most is a good set of knives.
White people love minimalism … unless of course it’s because they’re poor.
Then that’s just poverty, and that sucks … or so I’ve heard.
[...] On kitchen gadgets: When trying to bond with white people over kitchen gadgets, “just throw out a combination of these words: ‘le Creuset, Calphalon, All Clad, Williams Sonoma, and Sur Le Table. White people go so nuts when they hear these words, you won’t even have to finish your sentence.’” [...]
It’s Sur La Table…not Sur Le Table.
So yeah, I guess #54 Kitchen Gadgets is accurate.
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