#70 Difficult Breakups
February 18, 2008 by clander
Prior to engaging in divorce, most white people train for it by engaging in a series of long term relationships that end very poorly. At some point, you will likely encounter a white person who is in the middle of a difficult breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
The suffering of heartbreak is universal, but it is important to be aware that white people thrive during these trying times. If you play your cards right, you can parlay these moments into future favors and valuable trust.
The majority of white person art is created after a difficult breakup; films, indie music, and poetry are all kicked into high production during the end of a relationship. This helps train white people to prepare for the pain that is coming.
Once breakup proceedings have been initiated, a white person is immediately thrust into the center of attention in their circle of friends. During this time, they are permitted to talk at great lengths about themselves, listen to The Smiths, and get free dinners from friends who think “they shouldn’t be alone right now.”
It is imperative that you do not attempt to kick them out of their misery by saying things like “get over it,” “there are other people out there,” or “I don’t want to read your poem.” Implying that there things in the world more important to you than their breakup is considered one of the rudest actions possible.
If you are lucky enough to speak a second language, the best thing you can do for a white person in this situation is to give them an expression in that language that relates to breaking up. This will make them feel better since they are comforted by the gesture and happy to be learning a new sentence that they can reuse to with their friends.
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RiverC: fly
I always cringed when people said a breaker-upper “shouldn’t be alone right now”. If this person is so suicidal that a breakup would push him or her over the edge, then maybe he or she should always be watched for signs of despair.
Hey, we don’t say that because we think they’re going to go kill themselves, you just want that person to know that they have a friend that they can go to.
I’ve been in both places, and it’s nice to know that I have friends who are willing to spend their time away from loved ones to help out during a difficult time, and I am more than willing to return the favor.
It simply doesn’t get any better than this, fellows. Don’t stop until you’ve turned over every last pebble of what we like. And try to draw it out as long as possible.
Also, blogs exist because white people love posting comments on things and reloading the page a thousand times to see if someone responded. If they didn’t the white person feels bad and posts another comment.
The best solution is to post a follow up comment like
[white person's handle]: lol
White people decry the degeneration of language of language in Ebonics but not in various internet and government acronyms.
If you use something ‘hip’ in your response the white person will feel better, since it will make them think a person of color appreciates their comments.
RiverC, you are my new favoritest white person!
lol
White people will never admit they like breakups! Break ups are painful! And also, white people are not allowed to admit they are masochistic unless they are gay. In that case it actually makes them more interesting.
White people are, however, allowed to be masochistic in the bedroom since the pioneering work of the Marquis d’ Sade. They are not to be told that beating the sh*t out of your partner might hurt their relationship, because they believe that you prove you are something ‘authentically’ by doing the opposite. For instance, you prove you’re really a man by being ‘comfortable’ doing unmanly things. It is likely that this is the result of a long-running practical joke by a particularly clever white person, who probably revolted and voted for Barry Goldwater.
It is essential that white people continue this way, or otherwise they would become aware of the fact that they really only love themselves (like we love France) and they really don’t need another person to assure them of this by making demands of them that they will not meet and reciprocate with demands that also will be unmet. If white people discovered this they would probably start going to church and then find out that their church actually sucks except on Easter and Christmas. And that they actually can’t collect beautiful, matching Buddha statues and take communion in good conscience.
White people find Wicca and Spiritism fascinating and would be disturbed if they understood the role of doing strange, eccentric and narcissistic things in destroying relationships. If they found this out, fifty percent of white people would be honest with themselves and just become Wiccans.
I love the little bits at the end, like little action plans. Mockery as it may be, some of those little advices are really good ideas.
I saw the page for the first time and saw the picture before knowing what I was looking at. My heart leapt within me, and I said, “I LOVE MOS DEF!”
Then I realized what the blog was about.
C’est la vie!
Dude, white people really suck don’t they.
Somehow I keep getting the idea that you’re really mocking 20-30something hipsters from Soho more than anyone else though.
just hipsters in general. this site is more like stuff hipsters like.
ooh, are you from new york?
i just took the smiths out of my player – damn u
damn i hate it when u hit home – so frigging true
I pooped my pants
Me too
This is bullshit! There is never an excuse to listen to The Smiths!
There is always an excuse to listen to The Smiths.
ahahahahaha good one
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