#74 Oscar Parties
February 24, 2008 by mylosh
One of the best places to gain a white person’s trust is at an Oscar party. An invitation to one these parties is basically your “foot in the door”.
Vocabulary is one of the first things to be aware of at an Oscar party. Never say “movie”, always say “film” and know which awards use the term “Best” and which ones use “Outstanding Achievement”. Saying “I hope Atonement wins Best Art Direction” will guarantee that you won’t be invited next year.
Attire is very important as well. Either dress in an fancy suit / gown or wear something that relates to one of the films nominated for Best Picture. So for the 2008 Oscar Party it might be best to put a pillow under your shirt and come as a pregnant teenager in tribute to Juno (by no means should anyone bring an actual pregnant teenager). You can impress white people even further by bringing in a food or drink item that relates to a film. Again using Juno as an example, if you were to come to the party with jugs of SunnyD, it would highlight your keen observation of detail when it comes to watching films. Then they will see that you watch films the same way that they do. Also be prepared to be involved in an Oscar Pool, but make sure you don’t win. If you do, just say that you were lucky.
However all of this preparation will mean nothing if one does not act during the most important part of the night: when the nominees are read for Best Foreign Film. At this point someone will get angry and state that some movie that no one has heard of, was snubbed. When this happens just nod and agree. Mention that it sounds interesting and that you will watch it tomorrow, even if you have already seen it and know that its boring.
Basically what separates Oscar Night from other party nights is that it allows white people to express themselves through their tastes in film. If they see that you are someone who agrees with a majority of their opinions, then they will be your friend and provide you with ample opportunities to sip wine and attend film festivals together
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Actually, white people can get slumming cred for using the term, “movies,” by quoting Pauline Kael, who hated the word “film,” and loved the word “movies.”
Hey, I have a question. If whitey stole hairless vaginas and peanut butter from black people, did black people invent putting peanut butter on hairless vaginas? You know, for fun?
Hey, I have a question. If whitey stole hairless vaginas and peanut butter from black people, did black people invent putting peanut butter on hairless vaginas? You know, for fun?
The only Oscar celebration I’ve ever been to was a gay bar in SanFran the year Mel Gibson won for Braveheart.
You should have hear the crowd- they hated him because of his well-known opposition to gayness. If Mel had come to this particular party, he would have had his ass kicked all over the place by gleeful tuxedoed gay men and lots of drag queens. When clips of Braveheart were being shown, the entire club started hissing and booing and shouting “Shut up, you blue-faced bitch!”
It was so funny that my scotch went up my nose when I laughed. And boy did everyone dress up that night!
Plus, the club was full of racially mixed people. So the Oscars are definitely not something just white people like.
I’d love to throw an Oscar party but I don’t like pate and I don’t think I could get Brad Pitt to show up.
I can’t restrain myself any longer, I have to comment. After reading the thread between Deacon Blue, protagonist, Marty, antagonist, and the (pardon my pun) peanut gallery commentary from RC, I was laughing myself silly, and felt compelled to tell you, Deacon; they were messing with you. BIG TIME. I think it’s great you were trying to educate the masses, but it’s common knowledge for Americans, including Marty and RC, that an African-American invented peanut butter, okay? You need to mellow out. All the politically correct tv commercials that run ad nauseum during Black History month ensured that we all are aware of this, and have been since childhood. Besides, it’s not like it’s something to get excited about; peanut butter is toddler cuisine, after all! But Deacon, I admire your tenacity and that you seemed to remain focused on your goal. Edumacating the masses!
I attended an Oscar Party thrown by a friend once. Needless to say, I don’t hang out with her as much anymore.
Stuff White People Like has been stealing our website layout ideas. http://asians.thinkunique.net had Recent Posts and Top Posts before, and this site copied it two days go.
Stuff White People Like has been stealing our website layout ideas. http://asians.thinkunique.net had Recent Posts and Top Posts before, and this site copied it.
“And for the record, whiteness is a learned behavior. ”
So is “blackness” and “latino-ness” and “gayness”. Just an FYI.
“And it can be UN-learned.”
That’s all we need, is the U.N. teaching us ahow to be white. No thanks.
You could also use the word “picture” when referring to a movie, film, or motion picture. It’s a nod to old-fashioned Hollywood and there’s nothing Hollywood people love more than the idea that their industry has “traditions” and “a history.” (Cf. Drew Barrymore and the Zanucks.)
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