#76 Bottles of Water
February 26, 2008 by clander
Water seems like a fairly simple concept. You turn on the tap, put glass underneath, and drink. Sadly, it is not this simple for white people.
On the whole, they are unable to put a glass under a tap and just drink. In fact, this is such a strange concept that the city of New York had to launch a rather large PR campaign to show white people that it was possible to actually drink the water that comes out of the tap!
Up until this point, white people were consuming most of their water in the form of expensive bottles like Fiji, Aquafina and Dasanai. To this day, many white people continue to get their water in this fashion, and it is important to be aware about how your choice of water can say a lot about who you are.
Logically, you would assume that drinking the most expensive premium bottled water (Fiji and Voss) would be enough to show the world that you are too good for tap water. And a few years ago, you would have been right. But lately, advanced white people have been getting very upset about all of the waste that comes with drinking 15-20 bottles per week.
The leading edge of white people have started to use sturdier, refillable bottles. But do not assume this is from the tap. Most white people need to run their water through some sort of filter (Brita or PUR) before they put it into their bottle. This allows them to feel good about using a refillable bottle, but it also makes it more complicated, which they also like.
Previously, the gold standard was the Nalgene bottle, however recent studies have shown the plastic can leak toxins into the water. Currently, white people on the cutting edge are really into metal bottles of water with a twist cap. It is recommended that you buy one of these as soon as possible.
Having one will give you precious leverage over any white person who is drinking from a plastic bottle. “Oh bottled water? really? I mean it’s cool, but I kind of thought you cared about the earth.” If you see someone drinking a Fiji water, you do have the opportunity to go in for the kill. “Do you know that your bottle of water has a bigger carbon footprint than me? I think they were originally going to call it ‘aboriginal blood’ but that bottle was as close as they could get. You know, legally.”
Again, this should only be used in extreme situations.
Following your confrontation, the white person is likely to have a metal bottle just like yours. If this happens, there will be an implicit pact whereby they will do favors for you provided you do not tell everyone they got their bottle after you.
NOTE: whoever makes the metal bottles did not pay for the link. They just had the best pictures.
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Not only am I white, I carry the gold standard of waterbottles: the Nalgene. Not just one, though, since that’d just be white. I am superwhite as I carry two Nalgenes containing differing levels of tap water at any given time. Does the tap water undermine the whiteness of the waterbottle? I don’t think so, since my Nalgenes are also covered in signature white stickers, flaunting my exotic trip destinations, music tastes, and pop culture savvy.
But I cannot compete with a classmate who hides her supreme whiteness under the illusion of Nalgene bottles. I have witnessed her pouring Dasani, Fiji, Artesian water into her Nalgene and then recycling the namebrand water bottles. Tap water is just not good enough. Not even if it’s filtered.
I am drinking from a Sigg bottle right now.
Am I a loser or what?
this site is really just a list of things that most black people DONT LIKE.
not the other way around.
F minus.
http://www.garbarrassing.com
now there is a site that everyone would like…
oh and racism sucks.
there are some cultural generalizations that can be made but never that all of whatever group does xyz due to genetic similarities. that’s ignorant. it is however true that groups -usually families from the same countries, and on broader level ethnic groups, share customs and habits that are based on traditions of religion, region, country, and/or ethnic group not based on the color of one’s skin.
ignorance sucks too
i’m a whitey who likes fried chicken and watermelon and i use proper english and slan whenever i want to. i speak a zillion languages and have traveled all over. that’s coming from my graduate degree havin’ ass.
well everyone should drink bottled water because tap water has little, no or wrong minerals in it. mmmm fluoride. doesn’t it cause cancer? how come all of europe drinks mineral water and is healthier? we probably know better, tap must be good for our health.
White people like food too, those imbeciles.
Did you know those metal bottles with the twisty caps, like the Sigg, are actually fuel containers? Used mainly for small camping stoves.
No shit.
It’s like squirting drinking water out of an unused dish soap container…
I carry a Sigg bottle filled with brita water! HOLLA! Oh yes and I am super white.
It’s all about the image, you say?
The moment you said that, I immediately recalled the images of the people I knew to be chain-drinkers, as it were, and it occurred to me that constantly holding a container with a fulid in one’s hand, or sucking on a bottle is …
A pacifying behavior!!!
Those people whom I recall walking, talking, driving, or sitting in front of the telly with a water bottle, a soda can, a coffee mug or even a paper cup with some fluid in it were the mellowest of my friends. I just met one in the office corridor today. I took a note how he kept trying to drink out of an empty cup as we were chatting. He was apparently reluctant to break the conversation by going for a refill.
I also recall an image of a person whose right hand looks like gripping a soda can even when there is nothing in it — for example, as he articulates his speech during a talk. And when he pauses, his hand just stays there, half-extended and with fingres wrapped around a void. That is not to say he doesn’t go to give public talks with the actual soda can in his hand — he often does — but on those rare occasions when the can is missing for some reason, the gesture remains the same. And he is one of those very placid guys, too, so maybe there is a connection between a man’s character and compulsive drinking.
Have not noticed the same with women, though. Maybe the same is true, but I just can’t recall an “image”.
It may also be the case that in the United States, where nearly everyone quit smoking, some form of compulsive behavior must have filled the void. But the fact it may be a pacifying behavior as well should be known to the military commanders, who should ban the use of suckable fluid containers by the troops during active war operations (including plastic water bottles, metal flasks, etc.), for the same reason why relationships with women are banned in many armies. These guys must be kept in shape: irritated and aggressive.
You can’t fight with you left hand, holding a soda can in your right. Right?
Let’s not stop at white people loving our water bottles. Do you now how picky we are when it comes to which brand of water we’ll actually drink? For instance, if I see someone walking down the street drinking Avian, I know that they are all about the image cause that stuff is bottled from a tap in some third world county.
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