#78 Multilingual Children
February 28, 2008 by clander
All white people want their children to speak another language. There are no exceptions. They dream about the children drifting in between French and English sentences as they bustle about the kitchen while they read the New York Times and listen to Jazz.
As white people age, they start to feel more and more angry with their parents for raising them in a monolingual home. At some point in their lives, most white people attempt to learn a second language and are generally unable to get past ordering in a restaurant or over-pronouncing a few key words. This failure is not attributed to their lack of effort, but rather their parents who didn’t teach them a new language during their formative years.
White people believe that if they had been given French language instruction when they were younger, their lives would have turned out very differently. Instead of living in the US, they would be living and working abroad for the United Nations or some other organization with a headquarters in Switzerland or The Hague.
Generally, white people prefer their children to speak French. Advanced white people will actually spend outrageous amounts of money to send their children to a Lycee or Ecole Francaise. But the vast majority will abandon their dreams when they realize that need a second mortgage so their child can have a better study abroad experience in France.
Languages such as German, Spanish, Swedish, or Italian are also acceptable, but are considered to be poor substitutes (especially Spanish). At the time of writing, it is still considered expert-level white person behavior to have white children speaking Asian and African languages.
There is only one way to use this information to your advantage: speaking another language means that white people are more likely to want to have children with you. It is seen as a cheaper alternative to language schools.
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I’m Hispanic and I’ve been living here for 26 years. I learned French and Portuguese in college, and I speak both of them fluently, I picked up a little Japanese while serving in the military, (Spanish and English too, by the way). And It feels GREAT to see startled faces of people that are talking in another language and then you talk to talk to them in that language.
Im white/nativeamerican and i also talk in espanol ,last year i did snorted cocaine and painkillers in spanish class bhind my stupid ass teacher and i got the highest grade but i have to have two languages for college and i also know some german and senca and a little latin and its fun swearing at people in german
P.s chuck norris rules and yo fumo marijauna tambien
Guilty, Guilty, Guilty! but my kid is half and half!
funny!
she’s AmeriChingGrish! Gotta love this site!
-J
maybe a secondary post to this would be “Different-colored boyfriends.”
“All white teenage girls have a dream of dating or marrying someone who is of a different race than them. This encompasses all races, but especially latinos. They always moan to their friends about how they aren’t attracted to white guys, and want to marry a latino so that their kids will be able to speak in Spanish and spend months at a time in ‘their father’s country.’ When faced with a white person blithering on about how white guys are so selfish, it is always good to nod your head and say something like ‘Latinos? I’ve always liked Asian guys.’ This is something you’d only say if you truly want to be accepted into the white girl sub-culture. But if you’re really going for gold, talk about your ex-boyfriend Jorge/Julio/Juan, who was such a great guy and you don’t understand why you broke up with him. Only say this if you want to answer questions about Jorge/Julio/Juan, going into detail mostly about the break-up. This is a common white girl tactic used so that they can learn from other peoples’ mistakes instead of their own.”
Speaking another language at home is basically just a pain in the ass. Plus, you will spend your entire school career explaining your name to people. Then you’ll graduate and have to explain it to your co-workers. Who will ask what it means. Yes, that is my real name in the box, in it’s origianal spelling. I use an Anglicized spelling for my legal name.
…Also, I speak an Asian language– which is actually good for employment if you’re a fluent English speaker as well. Heh. I wonder if I can somehow cash in on the desire of white people to reach “expert level” by having their young’uns speaking Japanese…
Yo hablo los 7.000 idiomas del planeta.
I grew up in a house where my father could speak both Portuguese and Spanish and still, I only speak English. I’ll never forgive him for it. Oh, shit, I forgot that I’m not completely white. I always do that
Then too is the issue of wanting to recreate the depth of cultural heritage you never had growing up.
That is definately true that white women (college educated at least) do become more attracted to you when they find out you speak another language. Try impressing a Latina by saying that you speak Spanish or Portugese, not gonna happen.
This book is definately written for and about Middle to Upper Class WASPS who are college educated and consider themselves liberal.
I totally speak Chinese and am gonna teach my white babies so I can be expert-level!!!
I grew up trilingual (English-French-Danish), and by the time I was 10 I also spoke fluent Dutch, Spanish and Portuguese. Guess what. I only use English. And I don’t even live in an English-speaking country, but in one where I’m fluent in the local language (and dialect). But it does help to know several languages; I got some jobs I was unqualified for / for which I lacked the necessary experience.
BTW, I wasn’t considered a “gifted” child, just an adaptable one. I’m white, but not American. Maybe this site should be called “what American upper-middle-class / hipster wannabes like.” So as to eliminate the confusion for us caucasians who do these things without bragging about them.
Although it’s quite amusing to read regardless.
I agree. I am not not white (Neither am I American), but I’ve lived in two different continents, (North) America and Europe. I know that what is pretty much said about white people on this blog, to a lot of extend, does not reflect Europeans even some Americans. So, it really bothers me if the whole subject talked about on the blog generalizes what ‘white people’ do. It’s not always true.
Most American white people are not covered by this site.
I once dated a nice Anglo-Saxon girl whose family came over in the 1640′s who didn’t think I was white enough for their daughter because my grandfather was born in Italy.
It should be called ” Stuff Upper-Class, Liberal, Anglo-Saxon Americans, reacting against Their Parents’ Conservativism, Hipster-Wannabes Like.”
I try to flirt with WHITE RICH AMERICAN girls by saying:
1. I’m half-French, 2. I have some American Indian in me & 3. I collect checks in the mail…don’t need to work for them.
J/K, the worst pick-up lines, esp. 2 and 3 are dangerous, but what about the “Le gens/peuple romantique” one, yea? non? +
I just assume that “White People” is shorthand for a particular upper-middle class, “liberal”, overeducated breed of hipsters endemic to the U.S.A.
No way, the whitest people live in the hills of the deep South or any mountain range, inland valley or landlocked state. The hipsters say they are Irish, Jewish or Polish to indicate “we have heritage”, but appearedly don’t know much about their own family history. Heck, I have German and Scottish as well, but in a race-conscious country like America and the fact I never been in touch with Germany or Scotland for 400 years, I just identify as an American of both white/French with Amerindian or “person of color”. However, I’m not French first and don’t want to be called a “person of color”. +
We also like to reclarify.
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