#78 Multilingual Children
February 28, 2008 by clander
All white people want their children to speak another language. There are no exceptions. They dream about the children drifting in between French and English sentences as they bustle about the kitchen while they read the New York Times and listen to Jazz.
As white people age, they start to feel more and more angry with their parents for raising them in a monolingual home. At some point in their lives, most white people attempt to learn a second language and are generally unable to get past ordering in a restaurant or over-pronouncing a few key words. This failure is not attributed to their lack of effort, but rather their parents who didn’t teach them a new language during their formative years.
White people believe that if they had been given French language instruction when they were younger, their lives would have turned out very differently. Instead of living in the US, they would be living and working abroad for the United Nations or some other organization with a headquarters in Switzerland or The Hague.
Generally, white people prefer their children to speak French. Advanced white people will actually spend outrageous amounts of money to send their children to a Lycee or Ecole Francaise. But the vast majority will abandon their dreams when they realize that need a second mortgage so their child can have a better study abroad experience in France.
Languages such as German, Spanish, Swedish, or Italian are also acceptable, but are considered to be poor substitutes (especially Spanish). At the time of writing, it is still considered expert-level white person behavior to have white children speaking Asian and African languages.
There is only one way to use this information to your advantage: speaking another language means that white people are more likely to want to have children with you. It is seen as a cheaper alternative to language schools.
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i was forced to learn spanish as a toddler and have had french since 4th grade. i still get compliments from “the crowd”; they see a well rounded white kid who knows 3 languages fluently. my friend ryan’s mom always admires my well roundedness and hates herself for not forcing her son to learn useless languages
FAIL. Latinos own this category.
http://www.beabetterproducer.com
People…please! Everyone gets so bent out of shape on this site. Isn’t there a post about “being offended”? Almost every post features someone getting defensive or freaking out because they’ve been outed. A little self-awareness, a little self-deprecation…failing those, just claim you’re doing everything listed on this site ironically.
I totally want bilingual children. And shop at Trader Joe’s. Damn it.
I intend to have multilingual children. Thank God I don’t have any as yet, the poor babies will be under pressure.
Haha this is so true!
A chinese friend of mine recently stumbled upon a chance at free accomodation with some rich white couple who wanted their two year old daughter to learn chinese the most authentic way – with a native speaker. He lived there for a few weeks on the condition that he speak in chinese like 30 hrs / wk and bring chinese-speaking friends over…i think it just got to the point where it was too weird tho. Also, im pretty sure he was trying to convince the child he was really the father.
Pretty weird that the family was willing to let some random middle aged, bearded chinese guy into their home just for speaking chinese
Relatedly, white people LOVE using random French phrases to end their thoughts, paragraphs, comments, a la Conan Doyle in Sherlock Holmes stories.
A caveat here, however, is that the spelling must be accurate. White people will go to great lengths (e.g., looking the phrase up in an online dictionary) to ensure accuracy, even with such over-used phrases as “viola!” and “touche!” (don’t forget the accent marks!).
*A-hem*
You mean, “voilà,” monsieur.
“cheaper alternative to language schools”?!?!
come on!
price doesn’t matter! growing up with a multilingual parent is waaaaay more authentic than paying for language lessons, and therefore superior.
They like their multiracial kids too! Who wouldn’t?
http://muttslikeme.wordpress.com
Don’t get me started on white people (I am one) and their multiracial love children. Why is it that white people feel they are doing something inherently “right” by adopting a child/ children of a different race or nationality?
Also, interracial/ international adoption is not open to all white people, meaning, your average white person/ couple can’t pull it off. I, for example, would be laughed out of my family. My sister, however, would make an excellent candidate.
To that end, here’s a list of requirements of the white person in interracial/ international adoptions, as influenced by that sister of mine and developed (initially as a joke) by me and my mother:
1. The white person/ couple must be liberal in their politics. No exceptions.
2. They must live in an old house located in an area undergoing “urban revitalization.”
3. They must drive an SUV (bonus points if it’s a hybrid).
There are many more, but you get the idea.
Rats, Mark…fail! My boyfriend is adopted and Korean, and his parents are none of the above. They are conservatives, live in the suburbs, and drive a legitimate minivan. Hmmm…perhaps in the 80s, adoption was embraced by different white people.
“As white people age, they start to feel more and more angry with their parents for raising them in a monolingual home.”
Haha, this is true for me, unfortunately.
“At some point in their lives, most white people attempt to learn a second language and are generally unable to get past ordering in a restaurant or over-pronouncing a few key words.”
This isn’t true for me, however. Starting in high school, I’ve learned to speak both Spanish and German with a decent level of proficiency.
nice one Meg… wanna have children with me?
funny, how this idiot knows so much about “whites”! how many people in europe grow up bilingual! welshmen, irishmen, brittanic, basque people, swiss, belgians, catalans, and of course allmost all europeans except englishmen talk english as a second language!
That’s bollocks. Most Europeans don’t speak English, the majority (as in pretty much every country in the rest of the world) will only speak their own language. True, you meet a lot of people in northern European countries who can speak English, but but it’s definitely not ‘almost all’ of them, and certainly not true in the rest of Europe. Try speaking to the average person in Italy or Bulgaria and you’ll be met with a blank stare. Also, most Irish people speak English as a first language, only learning gaeilga in school. The people who speak Irish as a first language tend to live in the country, especially on the West Coast.
location location location.
In Germany, everyone is fluent in english and incredibly insecure about speaking english.
In France, they could care less about speaking English (but they still understand more than the average American does another language).
In Switzerland they speak 4 languages: french, romanish, german-swiss and Italian.
Most europeans can at least understand another language if not speak it.
most asians want to be bilingual too. its only black people (who I assume run this site) that think its a bad thing. they just think education in general is a stupid waste of time and money. “education is something pc liberal whites made up to help fill a void in their lives.” lol, yes a black guy said that to me. I could care less what agenda blacks have aginst whites, but when they start buring down korean hair shops for trying to make a living and opening in “their” neigborhoods, it just shows how much they adore the thug culture and being stupid. I’m just so glad my family (koreans) have decided to not do bussiness in high black populated areas.
Yeah, I don’t even have to research who runs this site.. If you think it’s run by a non white person, then you are so missing the point.
Seriously, you think black people run this site? You should look up Christian Lander (the author of the posts) on youtube. He’s the whitest guy you’ll ever see.
LOL! My boss kept complaining to me how he wished his housekeeper would speak Spanish to the children so they too can learn the language. He insisted she do it and the housekeeper insisted on speaking to the children in Spanish.
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