#83 Bad Memories of High School
March 6, 2008 by clander
The most time and cost efficient way of gaining a white person’s trust and friendship is to talk to them about their time in high school.
Virtually every white person you meet was a nerd in a high school-it it is how they were able to get into a good arts program and law school. As such, their memories of high school are painful, but not tragic since they were able to eventually find success in the real world. Exploiting this information is your one way to ticket into the heart of a white person.
Your first priority must be to steer the conversation to the topic of high school, which is not very difficult. If you are talking about music, mention the music you think they would have liked in high school and how you were taunted for liking those bands. If you cannot properly gauge the type of music a white person liked in high school, you should always say that you were really into The Cure. All white people know that liking The Cure in high school is an invitation to be tortured by the cool kids. This will bring about instant sympathy and respect.
It is also acceptable to discuss how you were in love with a cool kid who never loved you back. For added effect, you can mention how said cool kid is now doing very poorly and that you are excited for the upcoming reunion.
If these first two points were not enough to gain an adequate level of trust, you can close the deal by saying: “I was the only <insert ethnicity> kid in Improv/on the paper/on student council.” Wait for a sympathetic look and then you will know that you have forged an unbreakable and easily exploited bond.
For maximum effectiveness, this technique should be used in a social group setting where everyone can share their stories. By guiding the conversation, you will be seen as a natural and sympathetic leader. This can be easily exploited for professional and social gain.
Note: In the rare encounter that you meet a white person who was “cool” in high school, do not panic. There is a 100% chance that one of their other cool friends sold them out in a coup for control of their social circle. Failing that, you can exploit the inherent guilt they feel about their treatment of nerds.
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I WANT A MILLION DOLLARS!!! Can one million RICH WHITE PEOPLE send me one dollar apiece, puh-lease????
I don’t want money from any Asians, or Blacks or Hispanics. You guys NEED your money. I only want one dollar apiece from RICH WHITE PEOPLE who seem to WASTE their time and money reminiscing about high school.
Waste it on me instead. Thanks so much! (First person who comments “You ARE a waste.” is a rotten egg. You thought it. I know you did. Stop lying. See? I knew it.)
http://thepighasacurlytail.wordpress.com/million-dollar-fund/
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Boo
Dear “intheclique”,
Wow, still making yourself feel better by putting down others, eh? It seems some of us never really grow up.
I happen to think that the writer of this blog is quite brave and intelligent. To write your thoughts, opinions and even everyday experiences on the web for other people (or “quick-to-the-punch” assholes, such as yourself) to critic and comment on… takes balls.
I am only 19 years old, I have taken one year of college [so far] and was one of the “middle” kids in highschool. I didn’t participate in sports or go to prom… but I also didn’t sit in a corner all day reading math texts and cut myself. I was just another sophomoric teenager with pipe dreams of being the most beautiful girl in highschool and head of the cheerleading squad. And regardless of my social status, and the fact that guys like yourself wouldn’t dare to have picked on me, I noticed how “popular” shitheads treated the more creative/intellectual students; They treated them like shit. Why? Because they were smarter then you? Because they didn’t wear the same ridiculously priced clothing? Or was it the fact that you knew that people like this person (writing the blog) and myself would grow to change the world in some small way, where as you would only become more and more of a “douche” [as you so eloquently put it] as you were in highschool? Either way, its pathetic. Are you so desperately trying to convince us that your still a dick by continuously writing replies on this man’s blog? Don’t worry, we are all very well aware that you have managed to remain a stupid scumbag prick for all this time. Congratulations big guy.
Would like an award? Would that make you feel special again? Perhaps that would make people like you more, although all I think you really need is a whole new personality.
Good job “white people” bloger. I thoroughly enjoy reading your work.
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