#103 Sweaters
June 12, 2008 by clander
The sweater is an essential part of the white person wardrobe and it is a very good idea to familiarize yourself with all the different types of sweaters that are most popular with white people.
When you approach the subject from the perspective of age, it’s essential that you combine very young and very old white people in the same group. This is because young white people think it is very cool to wear clothes that are popular with senior citizens. The most popular example of this is the cardigan sweater, which is essentially a wool jacket with less buttons. An old white person might combine this sweater with a button down shirt to provide himself or herself with valuable warmth in the winter months, but a young white person will combine it with a t-shirt to create a ‘layered look.’ This not only allows them to show others that their personality features as many layers as their clothes, but it’s a chance to show people that you own not one but two cool items of clothing.
White women will also purchase many small, thin sweaters that they can wear in combination or on top of other clothes. Though you may think it would make more sense to just purchase a thicker sweater, these layers allow them to achieve maximum temperature control (see Scarves for more evidence of this phenomenon).
Moving up in thickness and age, one comes across the ‘ultra thick’ sweater. Though you will find these at Farmer’s Markets and Community Gardens throughout the country, they are most popular in the Pacific Northwest. These are often light brown or almost beige and weigh upwards of 10 pounds. When you a see a white person walk into a bar or coffee shop wearing one of these sweaters, you can tell the weight by how much they are sweating when they take it off.
White people also appreciate the irony of ugly sweaters that usually feature things like reindeer and snowmen. Though it seems unlikely, white people have even been able to turn this into a theme for parties. Typing in “ugly sweater party” into google will return a wealth of images and a dearth of diversity. However, there is one notable exception.
Regardless of the type of sweater, it is also good to be aware of the fact that finding a nice sweater at a thrift shop or goodwill is considered a major event in the life of a white person. Scoring a garment that makes it into the regular rotation for under $10 is a story that white people will tell for up to five years after it happens. Therefore, if you are seeking white friendship it is a good idea to do one of two things: You can either go to dozens of thrift shops in hopes of finding a dream sweater or you can buy a new one, remove the label and make up a story about how you found in a Goodwill in a bad neighborhood that “hadn’t been picked clean by hipsters.”
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Hello this post is delightful.
I like your Alpaca Scarf, Hat, Knitted Coat..
Thanks
I’m not sure how well some of this stuff applies here in Canada. It’s damn cold here (windy too) and I dress in layers/sweaters/scarves because it’s stupid not too.
Something white people like is visiting British Columbia, we’re famous for weed, forests, mountains, nature and it’s totally pretentious. Also, there’s real estate near water.
Who doesn’t like sweaters? I mean a hoodie is still a sweater.
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Here’s a thrift shop sweater story for ya (we call them op shops in Australia, at least in my part of it) - Just under ten years ago I saw a hideously ugly vinyl zip-up Adidas jacket that reminded me of the tracksuits my parents made us wear only a couple years before that to keep warm as we prepared for white-people sports, and bought it for like $5 as a joke. And wore it, also as a joke, which only a few people got. Fast forward a couple years and people were actually actively looking for those things in thrift shops, a while later Adidas started making them again and selling them $40 and upward. I was wearing - ironically - a too-small crappy old sports jacket thing before the thought to do so ever entered a hispter’s mind.
Either I singlehandedly brought those old school Adidas jackets back into fashion, or I was totally ahead of the curve and didn’t even know it. Being a white person and thus overly sure of the social significance of my dress habits I choose option A. Natch.
Oh and this line: “An old white person might combine this sweater with a button down shirt to provide himself or herself with valuable warmth in the winter months, ” for some reason is hilarious
Nice.
1. Sweaters, in all their incarnations, are the shit.
2. The guy in the picture is in Seattle carrying a Macrina’s bag presumably containing something else white people like: brioche.
I HATE sweaters with stupid snowmen,pumpkins or any other holiday theme. Those are only appropriate when you’re still a child. lol.
i just wrote an article about seasonal sweaters
http://www.joepettis.com/2008/10/seasonal-sweaters-great-part-of_08.html
we white people just eat them up
ahhhh!!! Make them go away!!!!
Man, those hipsters - they’re always picking the best sweaters off the racks before the rest of us normal white folks can get to ‘em.
In general, I buy my clothes at a thrift store in the “bad” part of town, so there is little competition from White People.
Sweaters are underappreciated. A nice wool sweater can keep you warmer than a sweatshirt, even when it’s wet. Plus they last a long time and can take a lot of abuse, unlike said sweatshirt.
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