Stuff White People Like

Being Excessively Early For Events, Classes, Meetings, Work, Parties, Etc

By: Eve A.

White people will frequently show up to various events 15- 35 minutes early for no reason at all. A favorite quote used to explain this phenomenon is “Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable”. What this means and why they live by this quote no one really knows, but it is a mantra that white people frequently recite to themselves every morning, as means or ensuring their timeliness to whatever function, they will be attending. In fact, this timeliness requirement extends to all areas of life, whether they are attending a social function, such as a party, where no one cares if you show up at the exact time it starts or to work, where being on time actually matters.

There is only one exception to this rule, which is when there is a limited supply of something that is deemed ultra-important by the white community, such as concert tickets, computers or other sale electronics, or reality television spots. White people may show up, 8- 24 hours early, instead of the normal 15-35 minutes, for these special cases, even if it means sleeping on the street in middle of winter (which is also referred to as camping) and foregoing “non-essential” things such as showering, brushing your teeth, and even eating.

Note- To gain the full approval of white people, being early is an absolute requirement. By arriving 15 minutes early to a class, one will gain their approval, but to gain their utmost respect and admiration you will need to show up 25 minutes early or more. They will automatically see you as a person who has attained a level of earliness, which can only they strive to achieve! Additionally, you will earn bonus points if you give a look of disapproval to people who are late or inquire about the cause of the tardiness of people who fail to meet this timeliness requirement. This will show you that you are genuinely committed to this super important cause and want to fix this societal ill.