Statistics
By: David Munoz of Panda Force
White people hate math. If you want to befriend white people, mention “that weird Asian calculus teacher who drew perfect circles” and how much you hated his class (bonus points if you mention how your parents made you get an even worse tutor who was more clueless than you and smelled bad). However, white
people are fascinated by “the power of statistics” since the math has already been done for them. Some magazines, like TIME, have a section in each magazine that has some interesting statistics ($80 trillion: the amount spent by the US in the Iraqi war) followed by absurd, barely related ones (4,317 yards: the
distance covered if you were to take all the ammunition shells fired by US soldiers in Iraq since the war started). White people who read TIME will quote these statistics, but even non-TIME reading white people will throw in stats they read in a less-than-credible study. It’s not unusual to hear such things
as “I don’t mind this neighborhood since I’m not Republican. 80% of them are anti-minority, you know” or “I don’t think you should let Sally play softball because 70% of softball players are lesbians”.
White people love sounding smarter than their peers and will jump at any chance to use a statistic if it’s applicable to the conversation in any way. The more absurd the statistic, the more clever and original you will seem. Stats can also hide negative feelings. If you meet a white person who wishes went to a
school that they refer to as the “Harvard of the (Region where the university they attended is), they may say something like “Good thing I didn’t go to an Ivy since 35% of their graduates reported being unhappy with their lives”. It is considered rude to laugh and you should instead smile or throw in another
appropriate statistic if handy.
The only time you should not use a statistic is to ask a white person if they knew “that (random number) % of statistics aren’t true”. You will be seen as being unoriginal, not funny, and will get stared at.
Disclaimer: 100% of these statistics were made up
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“Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.” – Homer Simpson
I’m taking statistics now! I’m white! I don’t like it!
Although there is something weirdly satisfying about being able to work through the formulas required for a t-test. I mean, it’s just not everyday you meet someone who can. Or would want to, for that matter.
Here is a statistic. 80% of these entries are over the word count.
lol one word over for me
“whit people”
Only 7% of white people mistype the word “white.”
not my fault lander messed up, i have it right on my original entry
When that movie a “Beautiful Mind” came out I thought I was going to lose my mind because I though there was going to be an increase in pricks starting out sentences with “According to Game Theory”
yeah,i’m white and love maths. i’m glad this one didn’t win!
ps. all the other ones on this site are good though.
It is true that many white people love math (approximately 1.5 million in this country do.) However, that’s only about 5 percent of the white population. The other 90+ % hates it.
Have you ever taken an advanced math class in college? Zero good looking people. All of the students look like potential eHarmony users.
And what percentage of minorities like math???????
Congrats to the winners and thanks to Christian for a great contest. Here’s my losing entry below.
- Neil
Neil’s blog: http://www.1000awesomethings.wordpress.com
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EXPENSIVE SHAMPOOS
If you stay over at a white person’s house and have a shower in their shower, there is a good chance you will notice a few small bottles of very expensive shampoo and conditioner sitting on their high-end shower organizer. White people have moved on past Pantene and Head and
Shoulders and now consider their novelty bed-head looks and scraggly no-part mop tops worth preserving with only the highest quality ingredients.
On the subject of price, most white people will quickly tell you that expensive salon-purchased shampoos are really a great deal because they are not ‘watered down’, like your bland drug-store varieties, and therefore you need ‘only a dot’ to work your full scalp into a rich lather. If cornered, white people may even insist they buy ‘only one bottle a year.’
To win a white person over, simply ask them for a shampoo or conditioner recommendation. Their face will beam as they pretend they are a Hair Scientist and ask you questions like “How often do you wash your hair?” and “How dry is your scalp?” Be honest, and then take their recommendations seriously with slow, stern nodding. There are few things a white person loves more than convincing other people to try expensive shampoos.
But be careful. If you don’t change the subject, you may soon find yourself listening to an hour long lecture trumpeting the virtues of camel hair shaving brushes, MAC cosmetics, and twelve-dollar natural deodorant sticks.
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Good one!
Well done.
True. Good essay.
Whites (although not hipsters) like cleanliness. There is nothing like a fastidious well-turned out White women wearing perfume and nice clothes. Nothing like it and nothing can top it!!!!
Actually this old white guy loves math. Give me Calculus and Differential Equations anyday. I hate Statistics. Hated it as a student 45 years ago and hate it as a teacher today. It’s all BS to me. Statistics are so easy to manipulate to say anything you want them to say.
Joe
Exactly, this whole thing about white people hating math is garbage. Who invented most math?
I find this funny because I’m white and my dad was a math major and an engineer, and my brother was in AP Calculus in high school.
Funny how easy it is to over-generalize.
yup, just like this whole site does. lol. and just cuz your family’s good at math doesn’t mean they like it. I got a 5 in calc bc junior year but did not enjoy a minute of it =)
LOL they love math. Nice try, though.
More and more white parents are choosing to forgo good old fashioned procreation in favor of a new form of brood-expansion – international adoption.
For many white people, international adoption is a form of psychological regression, a way of releasing pent-up feelings of anguish over a lost romance with a particularly exotic Asian, African, or Indian lover from college days gone by. For others, foreign adoption is an alternative form of international humanitarian aide, minus the political implications and long-term culture shock. For others still, it is a way of displaying your cultural savvy and prowess, giving monolingual white mothers and fathers the chance to parent the multilingual child of their dreams. (See “Multilingual Children”.)
Even white celebrities are catching onto the trend. Take it from Angelina Jolie or Madonna – foreign, adopted children are all the rage.
Adopting a non-white American child is a poor substitute for international adoption. Adoptive parents are expected to share personal stories of their life-changing travel experiences en route to meeting their adopted child with other parents. Multiple international adoptions are especially encouraged, increasing your credibility among other white people (especially if your children are of multiple ethnic backgrounds, a la Jolie-Pitt). A combination of Asian, African, Middle Eastern, and/or Hispanic children will earn you the admiration of other white parents, since essentially, you are killing two birds with one stone – achieving the marks of parenthood and humanitarianism at the very same time. This displays your racial open-mindedness and complete disregard for appearances or skin color, because although you yourself are confined to white skin, you are certainly not confined to white children.
that entire post is a symptom of White sickness. Definitely the wrong kind of White people.
Did any of you know that Angelina Jolie’s black adopted daughter Zahara (the offspring of a woman raped at knife-point) has been assaulting Angelina and Brad’s biological White child? Out of jealousy, skin color, etc?
It’s sick. Totally sick. It also shows one how inherited genes matter, and the daughter of a black rapist will inherit genes from him.
SICKNESS: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-501284/Angelina-Jolie-My-blonde-haired-natural-daughter-Shiloh-outcast-family.html
I think I just got stupider from reading your post. Children have no concept of race or skin color, especially if they’re 2 years old. Idiot.
I think you’d make more friends at http://www.townhall.com
Nah, a lot of those people can make a decent argument.
Besides, he’s already said he’s Stormfront.
OMG that article is soooo funny. It reads like one of the one’s clander posts that sound like a SWPL parody of itself, only isn’t.
Angelina is such a dolt sometimes, check this:
She added: “I felt so much more for Madd, Zahara and Pax because they were survivors.
“Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born.
“But I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable.”
hahahaha
PS: Portnoy, I am in no way agreeing with you…
race-mixing is sick, why would any White want to toss their ancestors’ genes down the toilet forever? have children that look nothing like them?
Look……..deny all you want you White-liberal dupes…….but when a White race-mixes the offspring will ALWAYS self-identify with the the lower caste and choose that.
Obama is the PERFECT example of this.
Why is this so difficult? Why do so many Whites want to see our genes and culture destroyed?
White communities don’t accept mixed race children as white. Thats why they often identify with their other ethnic background.
Do you have children? Have you ever been around small children? Even if what you’re saying is true (and I’ve nearly no confidence that it is) it’s got nothing to do with her ethnicity. Most children go through a hitting/biting/pinching phase. It’s part of that lack of impulse control and low tolerance for frustration that toddlers are notorious for.
I’ve known several people – all white – who have nearly died of embarrassment after they stood on their heads to get their children into an expensive daycare or pre-K program, only to have the child get expelled because of hitting another child. (Most of those programs have a “two strikes and you’re out” policy.)
I can’t believe the extent of your retardedness. Did you inheret those genes from your daddy, Portnoy?
lol where does it say anything about being “assaulted”? you are retarded
Portney, for the most part all you do is pick apart other people’s posts. I would love to see you write on a topic and present it here for all of us to see. Are you up the challenge?
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