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Archive for July, 2008

#106 Facebook

Social Networking sites have been embraced by white people since their inception. Because these sites use profile pages, white people can more efficiently judge friends and future friends on their taste in film, books, music, and inspirational quotes. Advanced level white people, fearful of being judged on their tastes from last week, will often only list one or two ironic things as their favorites. For example under music they would simply list “P.M. Dawn” or under films they would choose only Armageddon. In both cases these ironic answers serve as protective shields from the harsh gaze of other white people.

However, it is important to remember that the “where” is often as important as the “who” when it comes to social networking. As noted in earlier posts, white people are obsessed with being in the right neighborhood and the Internet is no exception.

In the early days, white people joined a social networking service called Friendster where they could connect with old friends and make new ones. Eventually, white people started to notice more and more of their friends on MySpace, so they closed their Friendster accounts and migrated to the new service. It was like living in a neighborhood that was pretty good but kind of far away, so you might have to miss out on a few parties. Needless to say, this was unacceptable.

For a brief period of time, MySpace was the site where everyone kept their profile and managed their friendships. But soon, the service began to attract fake profiles, the wrong kind of white people, and struggling musicians. In real world terms, these three developments would be equivalent to a check cashing store, a TGIFridays, and a housing project. All which strike fear in the hearts of white people.

White people were nervous but had nowhere else to go. Then Facebook came along and offered advanced privacy settings, closed networks, and a clean interface. In respective real world terms, these features are analogous to an apartment or house with a security system/doorman, an alumni dinner, and a homeowners association that protects the aesthetics of the neighborhood.  In spite of these advances, some white people still clung to their old MySpace accounts.  That was until they learned that Facebook started, like so many things beloved by white people, at Harvard.

Within a matter of months, MySpace had gone from a virtual utopia to Digital Detroit, where only minorities and indie bands remain.

If you plan on befriending white people, it is essential that you join them in the digital suburbs and open a Facebook account immediately. It’s also a good idea to make up a story about how someone from high school sent you a friend request and after accepting you discovered that they were fat and unsuccessful. White people love these stories.

In an unrelated note you can join

Stuff White People Like Facebook Group

Stuff White People Like Facebook Application

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LOS ANGELES – Tuesday, July 29th, 7:00 PM

Book Soup

8818 Sunset Blvd. (map)
Los Angeles, CA
310. 659.3110

AUSTIN, TX – August 7th, 7:00 p.m.

BookPeople

603 North Lamar Blvd
Austin, Texas
512.472.4288

VICTORIA, BC – August 10th, 2:00 p.m.

Chapters Victoria
1212 Douglas Street,
Victoria, BC

VANCOUVER, BC – August 12, 7:00 P.M.

Chapters/Indigo Robson Square
788 Robson Street, Vancouver, BC

Note: if you are interested in having an event at your book store or have a media request please contact Barbara Fillon at Randomhouse (bfillon@randomhouse.com)

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#105 Unpaid Internships

In most of the world when a person works long hours without pay, it is referred to as “slavery” or “forced labor.” For white people this process is referred to as an internship and is considered an essential stage in white development.

The concept of working for little or no money underneath a superior has been around for centuries in the form of apprenticeship programs. Young people eager to learn a trade would spend time working under a master craftsman to learn a skill that would eventually lead to an increase in material wealth.

Using this logic you would assume that the most sought after internships would be in areas that lead to the greatest financial reward. Young White people, however, prefer internships that put them on the path for careers that will generally result in a DECREASE of the material wealth accumulated by their parents.

For example, if you were to present a white 19 year old with the choice of spending the summer earning $15 an hour as a plumbers apprentice or making $0 answering phones at Production Company, they will always choose the latter. In fact, the only way to get the white person to choose the plumbing option would be to convince them that it was leading towards an end-of-summer pipe art installation.

White people view the internship as their foot into the door to such high-profile low-paying career fields as journalism, film, politics, art, non-profits, and anything associated with a museum. Any white person who takes an internship outside of these industries is either the wrong type of white person or a law student. There are no exceptions.

If all goes according to plan, an internship will end with an offer of a job that pays $24,000 per year and will consist entirely of the same tasks they were recently doing for free. In fact, the transition to full time status results in the addition of only one new responsibility: feeling superior to the new interns.

When all is said and done, the internship process serves the white community in many ways. First, it helps to train the next generation of freelance writers, museum curators, and directors assistants. But more importantly, internships teach white children how to complain about being poor.

So when a white person tells you about their unpaid internship at the New Yorker, its not a good idea to point out how the cost of rent and food will essentially mean that they are PAYING their employer for the right to make photocopies. Instead its best to say: you earned it. They will not get the joke.

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http://apps.facebook.com/stuffwhitepeoplelike/results.php

After a successful beta run, the Stuff White People Like Facebook application is now live.

Though the book contains the definitive and authoritative quiz to determine whiteness, this Facebook application contains an all new set of questions and the ability to see the whitest users and networks on the popular social networking site.

Currently, the whitest networks on Facebook are:

1. Mayo Clinic College of Medicine
2. Vancouver, BC
3. Gonzaga
4. Wittenberg
5. Oklahoma
6. Stevenson High School
7. Bridgeport / Stamford, CT
8. VCU
9. Swarthmore
10. Oklahoma City, OK
11. Boulder, CO
12. Tucson, AZ
13. London, ON
14. Grandview Heights High School
15. NYU

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BOSTON – Thursday, July 10, 7:00pm

Harvard Book Store

1256 Massachusetts Ave. (Map)
Cambridge, MA 02138

SEATTLE – Tuesday July 15th, 6/8 p.m.

http://www.onepot.org

In tribute to this scaldingly fun satire of many of us, we are throwing a dinner, along with One Pot at The Hideout on Tuesday, July 15.  Dinner is at 6pm and cost is $60/person, which includes a copy of the book, STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE: The Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions.  You MUST call or email the Book Events office to RSVP, (206) 632-2419 or info@kimricketts.com (tickets are limited).

But there is good news for the people who don’t get one of the coveted seats at dinner…

The party, celebration, book signing, and shindig will continue into the evening…and anyone can show up after 8pm.  Free to get in, no host bar, and books will be for sale. Let the good times roll!

The Hideout

1005 Boren Avenue (Map)
just north of Madison on First Hill.
Seattle, WA

WASHINGTON, DC – Wednesday, July 23, 7.00 PM

Politics and Prose

5015 Connecticut Ave. NW (Map)
Washington, DC
202.364.1919

CHICAGO – Friday, July 25, 7.00 PM

Book Cellar

4736-38 N. Lincoln Ave. (Map)
Chicago, IL
773.293.2665

LOS ANGELES – Tuesday, July 29th, 7:00 PM

Book Soup

8818 Sunset Blvd. (map)
Los Angeles, CA
310. 659.3110

Note: if you are interested in having an event at your book store or have a media request please contact Barbara Fillon at Randomhouse (bfillon@randomhouse.com)

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