Stuff White People Like

Before you begin hanging around with white people, you should know that all white humor comes from three sources: The Simpsons, Monty Python, and The Onion.  If you are not presently familiar with The Onion, you should visit TheOnion.com immediately as it is essential in your development and cultivation of white friendships.  If you are not familiar with The Onion, your conversations with white people will be boring, humorless, and unlikely to lead anywhere productive.

Before moving on, it’s important to know exactly what The Onion is and where it came from. The Onion is a satirical newspaper and website that was founded in Madison, Wisconsin – a very popular location for white people.  When the publication got more popular it moved to New York.  Since then it has produced a body of work that includes audio, video, and thousands of articles that entertain white people every single day of the year.

It is so popular, that every white person home contains at least one book from The Onion.  If that home is occupied exclusively by white men then said book will be located in the bathroom.  There are no exceptions.

At any given time a white person has 100-200 Onion headlines memorized and ready for deployment into a conversation.  In fact it is impossible to talk to a white person for more than one hour without hearing “that reminds me of the Onion article….”  In order to remain a viable part of that conversation it is essential that you are able to quickly suggest a related, but different, Onion article on a similar subject.  Doing so will show the white person that you are smart and have a good sense of humor.

As an institution, the Onion is beyond reproach for white people.  You should not imply that you don’t get it or that it’s not funny.  In fact, the only acceptable criticism for the Onion is that you are unable to work for them.  This is because every white male under 35 is convinced that they could and should be working for The Onion.