#115 Promising to Learn a New Language
November 9, 2008 by clander
Throughout history, white people have a pretty poor record when it comes to promises (see Americans, Native for examples). Thankfully, modern white people are trying to erase the shame of the past by making promises to themselves that they will never keep.
Writing a novel, going vegan, or sending their future kid to public school are just a few of these great breakable promises. But by far the most common self improvement promise is to learn a new language.
This plan is first formulated when white people realize that two years of college Italian does not confer fluency. For the most part, these classes will only teach a white person how to order food in a restaurant, ask for a train schedule, and over pronounce words when they are mixed into English. Amazingly this small amount of proficiency is more than enough to warrant inclusion on a resume under “spoken languages.”
For many white people the lack of a second language is their greatest secret shame. It fills them with so much shame that they will literally spend the rest of their lives promising to learn a new language, but not so much shame that they will actually do it.
When it comes to learning a new language, white people can follow a few paths, the most common of which is to try to learn a language that is popular in their current city.
For example, white people in places like Los Angeles or Austin, TX will often promise to learn Spanish in hopes of being able to ask local taco stands about whether or not their carne asada is grass fed (”¿Ha leído usted Michael Pollan?”).
In order to reach this level of fluency and obnoxiousness, white people believe they must put themselves into a local immersion. This means a promise to watch only Spanish language TV, listen only to Spanish language radio, read Marquez in his native tongue, and watch foreign films with the subtitles turned off. There are some instances of white people doing this for almost a week!
When this technique is unavailable or fails, white people will immediately turn to books and computer software as a last ditch effort to make good on their promise. After about a week, most white people will give up and blame someone for their failure (”this software is terrible,” “there aren’t enough people in Portland who speak Farsi!”). But rather than discarding the books and software packaging, white people will simply put them in the most visible part of their book shelf. This allows white people to believe that they have not failed since they can resume their studies at any time until their death.
Since learning a new language is something that most white people fail at, it should be approached with extreme caution. When you hear a white person say that they speak your native language, you will probably think it’s a good idea to start talking to them in said language. WRONG! Instead you should say something like “you speak (insert language)?” to which they will reply “a little” in your native tongue. If you just leave it here, the white person will feel fantastic for the rest of the day. If you push it any further and speak quickly, the white person will just look at you with a blank stare. Within a minute you will notice that blank stare has shifted from confusion to contempt. You have shamed them and your chance for friendship is ruined forever.
Finally, though they won’t admit it, white people do not believe that learning English is difficult. This is because if it were true, then that would mean that their housekeeper, gardener, mother-in-law (if they are an elite white person) are smarter than them. Needless to say, this realization would destroy their entire universe.
The best technique is to just tell white people what they really want to hear: “You should move to (insert country) so you can really learn the language.” They will agree instantly and lament their employer’s lack of an office there. Share this lament and you can enjoy a gigantic increase in trust and friendship from that white person.
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It might have been funny if these things were really things only white people think. But since they aren’t, it would make more sense to name the blog “Ways in which people from different cultural backgrounds are still alike.”
This author needs to travel more.
Yo soy blanca y americana. He leído Márquez en español. Es posible que una persona blanca aprenda otro idioma….
Ich bin eine weisse Amerikanerin. Ich habe Marquez auf Spanisch gelesen. Es ist moeglich, dass eine weisse Person eine andere Sprache lernt…
I’m a white American. I’ve read Marquez in Spanish. It’s possible for a white person to learn another language…
Yeah but it’s rare!
I find it hilarious how when i see Americans refer to international as the countries south of the border. Try going over-seas duh..
It gets harder learning a language from another continent.
Spanish, French, English is like kids from the same mom with different dads.
LoL Kev, the Indo-European language family is like a family looking for a father they descended from: these two-timing men gotta stop screwing around. English is similar to Hindi, Greek, Latin and Slavic as well with Celtic or Germanic (the proper family English came from Frisian Dutch/Low German). Finnish, Hungarian, Turkish and Basque are native tongues for Europe from the Finno-Ugric and Ural-Altaic families, but Basque remains independent from any other language. +
Oui, c’est vrai! J’ai étudié français pendant quatre ans dans la lycée, et je ne suis pas fluent, mais je peux comprendre le langue plus ou mois. Beaucoup des élèves dans les Etats-Unis doivent étudier une langue foreign dans la lycée et l’université, et il est facile pour ces jeunes continuent et deviennent fluent in cette langue!
Cependant, je pense ce article est très amusant
.
(Yes, that is true! I studied French for four years in high school, and I’m not fluent, but I can understand the language more or less. A lot of students in the U.S. have to study a foreign language in high school and college, et it is easy for these kids to continue and become fluent in that language!
However, I think this article is very amusing.)
oui, c’est vrai! J’ai étudié le francais pendant quatre ans dans le lycée, et je ne parle pas couramment, mais je peux comprendre la langue plus ou moins. Beaucoup de jeunes aux Etats Unis devraient étudier une langue étrangère au lycée et à l’université, et ce serait facile pour ces jeunes de continuer et de parler couramment la langue .
(Permettez- moi juste ces petites corrections .)
I have been learning english for years .I like thinking in English and when I dream , oh just a bit , it is as if I lived more intensely .
*une langue étranger!
It’s not Marquez! It’s Garcia Marquez. Gabriel is his name, Garcia his last name (father), Marquez his second last name (mother). So you’d say Garcia Marquez.
Sorry, my bad. I know how Spanish names work, so I should have realized that.
Also, I realize I should have written “estadounidense” instead of “americana”, because the latter really refers to the continents, but I meant the U.S.
This site reminds me of all the writing on the wall…you know when you’re taking a shit!
Este local lembra-me de toda a escrita na parede… Você sabe quando você está tomando uma merda! (eu sou branco e americano)
dá pra ver que vc é branco e americano. great job with the online translator.
I’ve tried to make promises to myself but never follow through on them. I have a guitar and tried to play but never had the time. I can play three songs at the most.
I doubt I could learn a different language.
HA! this one is SOOO true, and I have been guilty of it myself!
LOVE THIS SITE!
Hmm, I’m tri-lingual, I think. I’ve studied French and German for 6 years and plan to do a German degree… does that make me tri-lingual? And I DO think English is hard to learn, once you see all the grammatical rules other languages have. English is a bit messed up.
This has to get an award for the stupidest website out there. If this was made for “What Black People Like” it would be seen as racist.
Actually, “What Black People Like” is out there somewhere. And people do accuse the writers of being racist. It’s just as entertaining as this site, though.
Native language, does that mean that NATIVE AMERICANS should speak English when they leave the reservations or that the Descendants of the Theives should have to speak in an actual NATIVE AMERICAN tongue when the Descendants of the Theives are on the basically natural resource free land that the NATIVE AMERICANS are left with? And while the theives are traveling through Texas wouldn’t the appropriate language to be spoken be Spanish? After all Mexican people were there first. Before the Theives struck that is. No good theif ever admits gilt so It’s understandable if there are a few confederates aka Descendants of theives who will disagree with my statements. I apologize ahead of time if there is any incorrect spelling or punctuation, the theives wrote my school books and and focused more on covering up the truth than teaching. One more question; do Black American People have to speak French when visiting Africa. I prefer not to say white people when I speak of the Descendants of Theives because that does not accurately describe all white people. In America, who has the right to tell anyone what language to speak?
> In America, who has the right to tell anyone what
> language to speak?
I do. I also have the right to tell people WHEN to speak. And when not to. Now shut up.
You are wrong to call the descendants of Indians and Mexicans the descendants of Thieves (spelled correctly), although in the old days, they might have been. Just as the Indian took the land from other Indians, and the Spaniards took the land from the Maya and degenerated their race into becoming Mexicans, the Mexicans further took the land from the remaining tribes. You should not fault them for this, as this was their way, and they did not know any better. If you were going to fault them, then you would probably have to fault the groups that eventually became “Americans” (although the term is somewhat mis-leading).
While the American’s have done the most to improve the land and create wealth, some of the things that some of the leaders supported were questionable at best. Similar to the leaders of the Americans today. Decades of culterual degeneration have resulted in one of the two leading criminal political parties sneaking a socialist half-breed into office, and he is working with the leading criminals of both political parties to totally destroy what remains of a once great civilization.
Do you see the Americans getting angry over that? No. They accept their fate with stoicism on the order of the early American Indians when they took THEIR land from those who came before them.
You will see, in the end it all evens out. Everybody dies, and it doesn’t matter any more. So don’t hold a grudge against the Spanish or the Indians or even the Blacks unless you are willing to treat the American’s the same way…
What school did you go to? All I ever heard at mine was how much white people suck, while occassionally mentioning the accomplishments a few of them made, like the vehicle, light bulb, etc.
And screw you. My family moved from Poland to the US in the 1910′s. We didn’t take your land, and neither did my decendents, so stop the widespread accusations.
Jamie,
Forgive them, they are like little children who have have learn to mimic grown-up words, but don’t know the meanings of them yet.
It may be amusing to listen to their prattle, or it may be shocking when one says a foul thing, but they don’t really know what they are saying. When they grow up and learn something, they’ll look back on their actions and think to themselves “what a complete and perfect set of asses we were”. And then we can laugh at them, you and I.
Ditto.
On related note…
It drives me friggin’ nuts when I have to hear about how much I suck because “my ancestors were slave-owners.” I’d like to know where people in the U.S. today even got that idea. My ancestors were not slave-owners. While slavery was going on in the U.S., about half my ancestors were over in Ireland scrounging around in the dirt trying not to starve to death. The other half was farming their own fields somewhere in Bavaria, Germany. They didn’t set foot on American soil until the early 1900′s That’s roughly half a century after slavery was abolished in the U.S. Neither I nor any members of my family, past or present, had anything to with that.
Yes that is the fact for many people of Caucasian descent especially those whose ancestors immigrated later, but in our current culture, if a white and a black person were applying for the same job, with the same credentials, the white person would be more likely to get hired. Why? Because of white privilege. Because a person is white, or looks white, regardless of whether their ancestors were involved in the slave trade, or whatnot, things in the past undoubtedly influence the future.
Not so much “white privilege” as “non-white ignorance”… The non-white (and blacks especially) have been abused by liberals (white and black) for far too long. They have been told over and over again that “you aren’t smart enough, you can’t do it, the man is keeping you down, you need help, here’s some money, you don’t really have to work, we’ll make everybody support you, have babies but no, don’t get married as that ruins the plan, just take the money, buy some cars, knock up some bitches, and move on. Debase yourselves, and debase your brothers and sisters — it will lead to more money in the long run… THAT’s how to win in Whitey’s World!”
And my poor ignorant brothers believed the lies.
They knocked women up and then left them w/out providers, and the liberals showered them with money. They believed that they couldn’t get an education, and they failed. They believed that they couldn’t get good jobs, and they were failures. They believed that men should drink and abuse drugs and commit violent acts against others — in this they have both succeeded and failed.
The dictators don’t think far enough ahead to see that American youth of all colors are internalizing these messages. Soon all of those other children internalize the lies and become just as low-life, scum-sucking denizens of run down morality.
Oh well, I guess we all have to give up trying to be something better than we aer5re, when the government is involved… taking over, grooming us to be Ensurieallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll their l commonsence a when we th
what i dont get is when BLACK people say WHITE people try and act “black” but the thing is MORE BLACK people are trying to ACT WHITE because they wear “preppy” clothing and dress like a WHITE person Like i’ve heard that BLACK people are trying to act WHITE is because they are trying to be white so they will feel ACCEPTED by the white people HHMMM thats TRUUUEE!!!
I didnt’ realize preppy clothes are reserved for white people only, does that include khakis and polos cause thats sold everywhere at them Costcos too.
I hate how many blacks and mexicans dress with them baggy pants and tshirts then i realize that its because they’re fat, so no other option. Those clothes just look ugly and dirty.
what the hell, you are a nut!
I think what he’s trying to say is that there’s a double standard for mocking white people. Which is sort of true, but mostly in the older generations where there’s still a good deal of white guilt, thus, the mocking. With younger people I know, making fun of both is ok.
Whiter than anything, and highly proficient in four languages, not including English.
Promise fulfilled.
Languages from the same dont count as being difficult or truelly internationally.
If you’re white, and can speak Asian and African languages then i give khudos to you.
Languages from the same continent dont count as being difficult or international i meant.
You dont give say wow that asian kid can speak chinese and Taiwanese do you?
Actually, I would say ‘Wow”. Learning a foreign language is not easy if you have to learn it past a certain age. It’s psychologically proven that the older you get, the more difficult it becomes to learn a foreign language. It doesn’t matter if it’s from the same continent or not. I have some Filipino friends who can speak Tagalog and English perfectly, and I think that’s amazing. Sure, that’s the country their family came from, but the fact is not everyone can do that. I have a number of Filipino friends who CAN’T speak Tagalog, and I sure as hell don’t know Polish.
I’ve been taking French for four years in high school, and I can assure you that it is very different than English. It has different grammatical rules, pronunciation, idiomatic expressions, once you get past counting to forty even the way they form numbers becomes very different, telling time is much different, it’s just a DIFFERENT language, and it honestly does not matter that it’s from the same continent. You can’t just pick up French or any language one-two-three because you know English. Just because occasionally some of the words look a like doesn’t mean you’ll master the language and be fluent in the same day. On the contrary, some of those words that look like English words mean something completely different than the English one does.
Looking at your username, I wondered whether I should pronounce it as French or Norwegian.
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