#116 Black Music that Black People Don’t Listen to Anymore
November 18, 2008 by clander
All music genres go through a very similar life cycle: birth, growth, mainstream acceptance, decline, and finally obscurity. With black music, however, the final stage is never reached because white people are work tirelessly to keep it alive. Apparently, once a music has lost its relevance with its intended audience, it becomes MORE relevant to white people.
Historically speaking, the music that white people have kept on life support for the longest period of time is Jazz. Thanks largely to public radio, bookstores, and coffee shops, Jazz has carved out a niche in white culture that is not yet ready to be replaced by Indie Rock. But the biggest role that Jazz plays in white culture is in the white fantasy of leisure. All white people believe that they prefer listening to jazz over watching television. This is not true.
Every few a months, a white person will put on some Jazz and pour themselves a glass of wine or scotch and tell themselves how nice it is. Then they will get bored and watch television or write emails to other white people about how nice it was to listen to Jazz at home. “Last night, I poured myself a glass of Shiraz and put Charlie Parker on the Bose. It was so relaxing, I wish I had a fireplace.” Listing this activity as one of your favorites is a sure fire way to make progress towards a romantic relationship with a white person.
Along with Jazz, white people have also taken quite a shine to The Blues, an art form that captured the pain of the black experience in America. Then, in the 1960s, a bunch of British bands started to play their own version of the music and white people have been loving it ever since. It makes sense considering that the British were the ones who created The Blues in the 17th Century.
Today, white people keep The Blues going strong by taking vacations to Memphis, forming awkward bands, making documentaries, and organizing folk festivals. Blue and Jazz music appeal mostly to older white people and select few young ones who probably wear fedoras. But that doesn’t mean that young white people aren’t working hard to preserve music that has lost relevance. No, there are literally thousands of white people who are giving their all to keep old school Hip Hop alive.
Even as you read this, white people are telling other white people about the golden age of Hip Hop that they experienced in a suburban high school or through a viewing of The Wackness.
If you are good at concealing laughter and contempt, you should ask a white person about “Real Hip Hop.” They will quickly tell you about how they don’t listen to “Commercial Hip Hop” (aka music that black people actually enjoy), and that they much prefer “Classic Hip Hop.”
“I don’t listen to that commercial stuff. I’m more into the Real Hip Hop, you know? KRS One, Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, De La Soul, Wu Tang, you know, The Old School.”
Calling this style of music ‘old school’ is considered an especially apt name since the majority of people who listen to it did so while attending old schools such as Dartmouth, Bard, and Williams College.
What it all comes down to is that white people are convinced that if they were alive when this music was relevant that they would have been into it. They would have been Alan Lomax or Rick Rubin. Now the best they can hope for is to impress an older black person with their knowledge.
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Hello everybody, I told you I would not change my name, and damn it, here I am. I am the REAL Enigma and don’t you forget it, you stupid red neck emposter. Suck a dick. I know I pissed you off, and I plan to do it for a very long time. To those who believed that asshole was me, suck a dick and get fucked, for those who knew it wasnt me and said nothing, kiss my ass too. I’m back, actually, I never left so get use to it. hahaha. Dumb Ass Luke, Buttaroo, Nobraina, and the rest of you dumbass redneck losers who conspire to get my goat, mission NOT accomplished. I told your bitch asses that you would give up YOUR name before I give up mine!!! hahaha
So, as a show of my appreciation to the piss poor emposter(’s) attempt to make me retire my name, I give you………
enigma da director on August 30, 2009 at 2:06 pm
For your reading pleasure
enigma da director #1 on August 29, 2009 at 11:09 pm
I’m back ya’ll and I figue I will start another lil story. I see I have enough players to make a decent little drama. After reading the post on this site, I decided to name this lil story,
“No country for dumb men”
enjoy
Let me tell you a story about a time when I almost got away with identity theft. Oh, who am I. I go by many names, but due to the fact I watched one too many tough guy movies, I call myself, Hot Foot Luke. I know, it’s a silly name, but due to the fact that I am not considered cool, hot seemed like a more logical choice. Anyways, I live in a city suburb in the mid west. I can’t disclose the actual location because,….. well, if I did, it would get more people one step closer to finding out who I am. I always had trouble in school, but I am finally about to graduate. My mommy pulled a few strings for me and convinced the principal to allow me to graduate this year. Yessss, I was starting to feel the pressure of being 23yo and in still in high school. I started to feel like, well, it just was’nt cool anymore. Anyways, my story begins, the way so many do, on a clear blue monday morning.
As my alarm clock rang and broke my slumber, I had a feeling this was going to be one of those days. I hate going to school, I hate having to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to catch the school bus. My only biggest regret though was staying up late last night watching dirty cable movies. But since I can’t get a girl friend, a nerds got to do what a nerds got to do. I get from under my sheets and I shove my teddy bear, Daisy, under the bed where no one will find her. Dear ol Daisy, she has gotten me through some really lonely nights. She used to be my lil sisters teddy, she had her all dressed up. When she went away to college last year, I took advantage of the oportunity and snatched her and hid her in my room. Her fur placed against my skin feels so natural to me, not to mention, with the lil outfit lil sis put on her, I can hide my glory hole around her private areas pretty well. The hole is nice and small, easy to miss, but nice and roomy for me to do what need to do. Daisy is a very good lover, but I have no time to day dream about it now, I have to rince the residue of me and Daisys hot late night cable porn adventure off my hands. Then again, on second thought, it will take only a minute. hehe, come here daisy.
Hot foot luke reaches underneith the bed to retrieve his beloved lover Daisy, the teddy bear. He unzips the long pajama zipper on his on peice footie pajamas and rest his love on his chest, rubbing the nose against his nipples.
“oooooh, you feel sooo good baby” he says in a slow dliberate voice.
He slowly slides the lil cheerleader bear outfit off of daisy and pulls down his underwear exposing his teddy bear pleaser tool. He slides daisy’s exposed privates down towards his lil wee wee. With a blank teddy bear look on her face, she slowly mounts mt. Luke. Hot foot shutters with pleasure. His breathing is getting deeper and more intense. Beads of sweat is starting to form along his body. Daisy continues to stare blankly forward as Luke does what he do. The pleasure is building up in Luke and he starts to thrust Daisys love hole even harder.
Now usually when Hot foot Luke has his lil make out session with his baby daisy, he is careful to lock the door to his room. The reason I brought that up is because HFL realized he did’nt lock the door as his mommy turned the door knob to enter to make sure he was up for school. She swings open the door and says……………….
to be continued
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enigma da director #2 on August 30, 2009 at 12:07 am
When we left off, Hot Foot Luke was in the middle of a hot steamy make out session with this little sisters teddy bear Daisy when his mommy came to check on him. She opens the door and says….
“you up my lil swee…………………OH GOOD!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU LIL PERV!!!!!!!” she yells.
“MOM, IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. I,I,I, I, WAS……..” he stutters.
“I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, OH GOOD, AND IN THE PAJAMAS GRANDMA GAVE YOU…….HOW COULD, OH GOD.”
she closes her eyes and slams the door. Luke lost his mood that morning. He throws his teddy on the floor mad and embarrassed, not to mention ashamed. But to ad to his indignity, his bedroom door opens again and his mom storms in with rubber gloves on her hands and grabs poor Daisy.
“MOM, NOOOOO!!!!” luke yells
“DEMON, this, this, this, THING, is of the devil. To hell with it” she yells as she heads to the trashcan outside. Luke can’t protest but so much. He was always a mommas boy and did’nt have very much heart. Mom ran his life. As he watched her fussing as she threw his lover into the trash, everything seemed to move in slow motion.
“How dare that lil freak embarrass me like this” she rants outloud, ” and I know this bear, We won this bear….at the amusment park (sniff), what have you done, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE…..!!!!!!” she says getting louder and louder.
” YOU NEED JESUS, you… you…. you ….bear raping FREAK!!!, it’s your sisters bear, wait til I tell her what you have been doing to all her stuffed animals. You should be shame of yourselfff.” she rants.
Fearing his neighbors may be looking, Hot Foot Luke decide not to look around out the window for fear he may see one of them listening. He sheepishly gets dressed and sneaks past his angry mother who has just came back into the house. Luke creeps out the door, to ashamed to say his usual good byes to his mother. As he closes the door behind himself, he can still here her calling him a ‘bear fucking freak’.
He walks to the bus stop up the street from his home and he feels like the whole neighborhood is watching him. The bus can’t get here fast enough he thinks to himself as he takes his walk of shame. He thought the worst was behind him til he looked up at the bus stop and saw who was standing there. He looked up with pure dread in his eyes. His mouth became dry, a lump formed in his throat and his heart just sank. Standing at the bus stop was his bully UH HUH. Uh Huh was a senior in high school, and he always got pleasure in kicking Lukes ass so when Luke saw him there, he wanted to turn around and run but his feet wouldnt let him. He just sinks his chin onto his chest deeper and takes the last few steps to the bus stop.
“hey dumbass” Uh Huh says
“yes?” Luke answers as he looks up from the ground.
That was not a very good idea, as he looked up, he was greeted by a five fingers balled up into a big fist that landed in the middle of Hot Foot Lukes face. As Uh Huh stands there laughing, Luke realizes, it’s barely 6:15 am and his day is already THIS bad, it will only get worse. The bus pulls up and everybody gets on board. Uh huh, Greg214, will talk about him later, and our zero hotfootluke.
“I’m not as happy as I should be” Luke thinks as the bus doors close behind him. I don’t want to go to school he thinks to himself, but his fate is sealed, and he still has to face the biggest threat of all once he gets on campus. But first he has to survive the bus ride to school, and with everyone, including the bus driver who is screwing his mom picking on him, it may not be as easy as it sounds.
The bus finally arrives at the school and Luke scans the area to make sure the coast is clear of other bullies. Uh huh is not paying him any attention at the moment, so he grabs the opportunity flee. As he bolts off the bus, he beelines to his home room, grabs the desk closest to the teachers desk and he waits, waiting on who else will be arriving. Waiting to see who will be using him as a punching bag next. As he stares out the door, he sees the shadows of students going back and forth. Then a shadow stops and heads into the room. Luke looks aniously at the door to see who walks in, his eyes get big and palms get sweaty as he sees……………………………
to be continues
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enigma da director #3 on August 30, 2009 at 6:58 pm
When we left off last time, hot foot luke was cowarding in his class room waiting to see who his class mates would be. Then a shadow stops and heads into the room…………
Luke looks aniously at the door to see who walks in, his eyes get big and palms get sweaty as he sees a female student walk in. He felt sense of releaf seeing her. He let his gaurd down somewhat sensing she was no threat. To make a long story short, he experieced a drama free first half of class. Special education class was very good to him this year but every nerd knows, there is one place where they are not safe. 12:00 high, lunch time. The time of milk carton showers, lunch tray ducking, and giving up your lunch and lunch money judgement. Luke is dreading this time. No protection from the teacher, he has to fend for himself, but after 23 years, he has learned a trick or two to survive this horrible hour. He would set at the far end of the losers table with his head down, blending in with the rest of the more cooler and respected nerds. This technique did not work this time. Even the freshmen gave him hell, but thats another story. He survived his first day of school, but after his bus ride home, his life would suddenly change forever.
Luke got off the school bus and headed home, he breathed a sigh of relief knowing that his nimesis Uh Huh did not ride the bus home today. He was able to walk alil more confident than usual. As he was walking home this day, thinking how he will be the man once he graduates in June, something caught his eye. He looked down and saw a opened letter for the players ball. It was addressed to Big dick louie, For you L.7 (squares) folks out there, the players ball is for the coolest of the cool. The ball was tonight at 9pm, the letter said. Use the letter as proof for entry.
“I guess the mailman dropped the letter” luke thought to himself.
“If I put on my most spiffy clothes, I could remake myself into something cool. Look the part, be the part as the saying goes” he rationalized. ” I will just pretend to be Louie, They won’t know. There will be lots of people there, who will know?”
Luke rushes home, opens the door and heads to his room. Laying on his bed was a not written by his mother that says
” My son, my lil pervert. I never thought in a million years that you would break my heart the way you did. I want you out of my house. I made arrangements for you to live with your biological dad and his boyfriend. I will not have a freak living under my roof. Start packing you things, I will take you there this weekend.”
Lukes heart sank, he then remembered his beloved Daisy. He runs outside and opens the trash can. There, laying next to the burnt out vibrator and used condoms was Daisy the bear. He grabs his bear and runs back into his room. He closes his door and immediately opens his closet looking for something to wear tonight.
As he thumbs thru his old sunday suits, he tries to figure out what would a pimp wear to the ball. He grabs his 1984 Miami Vice pink shirt with white slacks. Yeah, this is nice. He needs a crown, he looks at his old hats but can’t find anything so he heads to his mothers room. He raids her closet and finds he has hit the mother load. She has a pink and white extra wide rim hat with chicken feathers on the side.
“yeah, I can work this” he says as he trys it on.
He then heads to her jewelry box and grabs several fake gold rings and gold necklaces.
“I am rocking this baby, now for the main attraction.” he thinks.
He reaches for the heavy duty wooden hanger with the long plastic on it that drags to the floor. He grabs that hanger and removes the plastic. Under the plastic is the killer, a grey and brown muskrat fur coat. He puts on the coat and profiles infront of the long mirror.
” I am da shit!!!!” he thinks to himself.
In his eyes, he thinks he is the man. But in reality, he is a royal hot mess.
It is now 8:00, he puts on his last minute touches. His mom wont be home til late tonight, she is out working the block. The keys to the second car is hanging on the wall, he is set. He grabs the keys to the car and heads out on his lil adventure assuming the name of big dick louie. Will it work, we will soon find out…….
to be continue
put alil love in your heart
this be jus like the wite man they always be taking are shit dawgg
put alil love in your hert
Please, white people flock and grind to Lil’ Wayne, 50 cent, and TI. I do go to an “Old” school (Dartmouth to be exact) and come from an urban background and have been to numerous majority white frats where no one has ever heard of Mos Def or the like (or socially conscious rap). They listen to commercial rap (no matter how much they deny it).
I think you’re giving a little too much credit in this post (no offense).
White people love to dance (or more like dry hump sans rhythm) and you will find nothing more able to power their loafers than “Lollipop”, “It’s getting hot in here”, or “Whatever You Like”.
Sorry, but the old hip-hop you write about here isn’t the same as self conscious hip-hop that is listened to on the streets.
Hip-hop is true for the US, in the UK white people are into old-school reggie while the most advanced are into old-school dub.
Reggie huh?
Spell check, much?
i too am mixed, killer, and i think its funny some white people like black artists who dont like white people, but i think that’s what makes them more likeable. i think your last statement was a little racist, but i think it was misread. i understand where you’re coming from, i too can be annoyed by sterotypical white people. but i also dislike stereotypical hispanics, blacks, asians, christians buddhists, JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY who’s living by a classification. for example. white people who act like white people because they’re white people. you can replace the world “white” with any other human characteristic. like religious, or black, or funny or short or blonde. so even though im half white, i am annoyed by SOME whites, and to add to this list, everyone else in the world.
o yes so true!! totally just started going through an old school hip hop phase. GZA, Methodman, Ghostface Killah, RZA, and the rest of the Wu Tang Clan are amazing. and then of course there’s MF Doom who’s completely badass. but my new favorite hip hop group is Pharcyde! can’t get enough of them!
don’t forget about “black sheep”.
Hello everybody, I am the asshole using enigmas name to type ignorant nonsense. I know I am a dumbass, but I can’t help myself. If you happen to see enigmas name talking garbage, just disregard it. I am a dumbass, needle dick bitch with no life using other peoples name in vain. I apologize to all.
I think one of the article should be on how White people like black artists who clearly didnt like them i.e Tupac, Bob Marley, Alicia Keys, Lauryn Hill e.t.c They usually dismiss this by saying “but some of them are mixed”. Malcolm X was mixed incase yall didnt know. So was Du Bois and so am I. That doesn’t stop me from disliking white people to some extent.
that would make you a racist…congrats, bigot
Whatever, he refers to mainstream music artists who are of black American heritage. If he added Seal, Usher, Beyonce, Anita Baker, Aretha Franklin, Whitney Houston and Queen Latifah, what does it make him? +
i like to drink cat urine!
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