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Archive for January, 2009

Stuff White People Like Tour #3

MINNEAPOLIS, MN

Monday, January 26th, 4pm

University of Minnesota Bookstore
Coffman Memorial Union
300 Washington Ave. SE
Minneapolis, MN 55455

COLUMBUS, OH

Tuesday, January 27th, 7pm

Barnes & Noble/ OSU Bookstore
1958 N. High St.
Columbus, OH 43201

PHILADELPHIA, PA

Wednesday, January 28th, 7pm

Penn Bookstore
3601 Walnut St.
Philadelphia, PA 19104

ATLANTA

Thursday, January 29th, 7pm

The Euclid Ave. Yacht Club/ A Cappella Books
1136 Euclid Ave. NE
Atlanta, GA 30307
*book sold by A Cappella Books

Note: this is a bar.

PROVIDENCE, RI

Friday, January 30th, 4:30pm

Brown Bookstore/ Entrepreneurship Program
Brown University
Barus & Holley Building
184 Hope St.
Providence, RI 02912

CHATTANOOGA, TN

Saturday, January 31st, 7pm

Rock Point Books
401 Broad St.
Chattanooga, TN 37402

BOULDER, CO

Monday, February 2nd, 7:30pm

Boulder Bookstore
1107 Pearl St
Boulder, CO 80302

PHOENIX, AZ

Tuesday, February 3rd, 7pm

Changing Hands Bookstore
6428 S. McClintock Dr.
Tempe, AZ 85283

TUCSON, AZ

Wednesday, February 4th, 4:30pm

University of Arizona Bookstore
1209 E. University Blvd.
Tucson, AZ 85721

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#120 Taking a Year Off

travellingguyWhen someone goes through a stressful experience they usually require some time off to clear their head, regain focus, and recover from the pain and suffering.   Of course, in white culture these experiences are most often defined as finishing high school, making it through three years of college, or working for eleven months straight with only two weeks vacation and every statutory holiday (“they don’t count because I had to spend them with family.”)

Though you might consider finishing school or having a good job to be “accomplishments” many white people view them as burdens.  As such, they can only handle them for so long before they start talking about their need to “take a year off” to travel, volunteer, or work abroad.

It is most common for the person taking the year off to use this time to travel (see Post #19 for reasons why).   Generally, they will start off with a set amount of money that will use to travel for as long as possible.  This explains why a white person with an $800 backpack will haggle with a poverty-stricken  street vendor about a $2 dollar plate of food.

If you work with this person, be sure to give them a FAKE email address on their last day on the job or you will be inundated with emails about spiritual enlightenment and how great the food is compared to similar restaurants back home.  Also, within the first five days following departure, this person will come up with the idea to write a book about their travel experience.  Sadly, more books about mid-twenties white people traveling have been written than have been read.

Some of the more enterprising white people will extend their time off by working abroad as a bartender, ski lift operator, or english teacher.  Their stories, emails, and publishing plans will be identical to the previous white person but will include additional stories about working and complaints about “tourists.”

Finally, there is the white person who takes a year off to volunteer at home or abroad.  Though they are equally likely to write long emails about their experience, these people are often using the experience as an excellent resume pad for their application to law school.  This way they are able to put off real life without the crippling derailment of a career or education.

Regardless of how a white person chooses to spend their year off, they all share the same goal of becoming more interesting to other people.  Sadly, the people who find these stories interesting are other white people who are politely listening until they can tell their own, more interesting story about taking a year off.

Thankfully,  there is an enormous opportunity for personal gain.  You see, whenever a white person takes a year off  it opens up a valuable apartment, job opportunity or admissions slot. Consider it to be the most pretentious form of affirmative action.

photo by Alex Steffler

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#119 Sea Salt

seasaltRegardless of how much a white person cooks or how long they have lived in their current home, they all have a tube of sea salt in their pantry.  In fact, it’s one of the few foodstuffs that white people will actually bring with them when they move.  This is because sea salt is expensive and while white people have money, they didn’t get that way by throwing away $7 packages of salt.

When white people think about regular salt, all they can think about sodium and poor health.  When they think about Sea Salt they think about France.  So it’s no surprise that it has become so popular.

But Sea Salt is like Trader Joes, Banksy, or The Shins-entry level to their respective field.  Therefore, it is important that you learn about other more expensive salts so that you can complain about not having them.  To a white person, this shows that you know and love expensive things but feel sad that you can’t yet afford them.

From here you can fill up an entire evening by making the same complaints about art, real estate or Europe.

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newblackglow-shirt-light-on

After a very close vote, it has been determined that 100% of the profits from the sale of these shirts will be donated to Children of the Night.

Thank you to everyone who voted and sent in suggestions, and please give much needed donations or service to the many non-profit organizations in need of help.

Click on the shirt for the link to order or

Click here for Grey

Click here for Black

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