#126 Vespa Scooters
June 2, 2009 by clander
Within white culture, your choice of transportation method says a lot about you. For example a Prius says you care about the Earth, a bicycle shows you REALLY care about the earth, and a bus shows that you are probably not white. But these three options are not the only viable ways for a white person to get around, they have literally dozens of choices including Volvos, old Mercedes that run on vegetable oil, Subaru Outbacks, and Vespa Scooters.
As it stands, every single white person on earth either owns, has owned, or is dreaming about owning a Vespa Scooter. And why not? They are Italian, feature vintage design, low emissions, make the rider look more sophisticated, and they carry a little bit of risk. In fact, were it to have a liberal arts degree and a steady income, a Vespa scooter would possesses every important quality that a white person looks for in a spouse.
In addition to these superficial qualities, there are some very practical benefits to white people. Namely, scooters are perfect for gentrifying neighborhoods which are often short on parking and heavy on people who are impressed by Vespas.
If you are in search of a fun game, a white person who has recently purchased a Vespa can be a source of tremendous entertainment. Step One, get them talking about their Vespa (easy). Step Two, start asking them why they didn’t save money by getting a Honda or Suzuki that gets the same mileage. Step Three, see how many of the following justifications a white person will use during the ensuing rant: environment, parking, urban lifestyles, union labor, writers, fuel efficiency, Roman Holiday, study abroad, and being into Vespas before other people.
Finally, the Vespa has produced one of the great paradoxes in white culture. Vintage Vespas are infinitely cooler than newer ones, but the vintage models produce more pollution than most automobiles. If you know a white person going through this dilemma, just say something like “the amount of energy and carbon used to produce a new scooter will probably cancel out the emissions from your vintage one.”
Problem solved forever.
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Why wouldn’t someone want a scooter? Especially if motorcycles, sports cars and high end sedans are outlawed. They are way cooler than Segways afterall. Seriously, they are ok but after writing for http://StuffRichPeopleLove.com and researching $2M bugatti cars, it’s tough to dream about Vespas.
No one wants a Vespa. What?
I love scooters. I own a 50cc Kymco Cobra Cross. I hate Vespas. I think their “retro” styling looks moronic, and I would feel slightly stupid humming down the street on one. I think it gives of a vibe that says, “Throw tomatoes at me as I sit straight as a chair, tie fluttering in the wind, buzzing slowly down the road on my way to work.”
But I don’t deny that many white people have a thing for them. I just cant understand why. (and im white)
If you ever told me to my face that I dreamed of owning a Vespa, I would punch you in the fucking face.
You forgot mods, they can be all sorts. I had a vintage vespa as a teenager and I have a new one now, being sephardic I’m not sure I qualify as a white person.
Using the word “sephardic,” you definitely qualify as a white person.
like doing a fat chick, fun to ride, but you never want to be seen on one.
holy shitstain, what a funny joke! and so fucking original.
hmmm this site and your book are seriously entertaining, but i must say you are a complete idiot. the only white i would consider you, is white trash. i like pretty much everything on this list, own a vespa, and live in a multi million dollar home. why dont you get some perspective. human beings are human beings no matter where you go, what you do, or who you are. we should all try and understand that, i mean really understand it.
You had me at “human beings are human beings no matter where you go.” Except you are rich, which means you are evil no matter how much melanin is in your skin.
Aw. Someone pee in your corn flakes this morning?
See.. right now I don’t know whether you have really got on the “satire-bus”, are driving the “satire-bus”, or have concerns that the “satire-bus” left the depot at all.
Very white of you to proclaim the cost of your house though… so points for that.
:-p
I used to own a Vespa. But that’s when I was living/studying in Taiwan. I suppose it still counts…
Hmm…also White People Like all the silly comments after each of the post entries. Cheap entertainment, all the way.
I love this blog because it reminds me how shallow and pathetic liberals are. Now I understand why me saying I liked Tool automatically dropped my status when I was among those hippie/liberal types. If you don’t listen to the same music, like the same “films”, and think all of the same political beliefs, you aren’t as unique and creative an individual, and you get snubbed! It really is a competition to see who can be the most stylish Marxist.
…Did you somehow fail to notice that Maynard James Keenan is a far-left social activist and advocate of recreational drug use, alternative religion, and all kinds of other great hippie stuff? I’m a “hippie/liberal type”, and I’m wearing a Tool concert T-shirt RIGHT NOW.
For God’s sake, if you’re going to stereotype, at least use the RIGHT stereotypes.
Liking Tool can’t make you any whiter or any more liberal!
They have all the trademarks; they think they’re too artistic to be played on daytime television, they speak of the hypocrisy of Christianity in America…not to mention they take an excessive artistic interest in album covers and t-shirts.
Wearing a Tool t-shirt is the epitome of white; it means you’re 1. Artistic because the t-shirts look too abstract to actually tell what they’re all about 2. You’re wearing a band t-shirt that are not ‘mainstream’ 3. You’re saying, fuck big corporations, I’m wearing a t-shirt mass produced by Tool’s recording company of which they get little profit.
Youz a liberal my friend.
P.S. I have a Tool t-shirt, I’m white, and I have dreamed of buying a Vespa.
Did mommy not burp you enough as a baby? Seems like you still have a lot of gas to expel. Perhaps an antacid would help?
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