Six Gifts to Guarantee a White Christmas
December 15, 2010 by clander
Stumped about what to give that special white person in your life this holiday? Look no further.
1. Product made by someone named Tom. Nobody seems to make a better product than a man named Tom. The first popular white Tom is the man behind Tom’s of Maine. The other famous Tom for white people is the one who created TOMS Shoes. Every time you buy a pair of these canvas shoes they donate a pair to a child in need in the third world. Of course, instead of buying a pair of shoes, a white person could just donate the money they were going to use on shoes to the TOMS charity and let two people in the third world get new shoes. But that’s not a realistic possibility, not with summer right around the corner.
2. Single-malt scotch. With beer snobbery mastered and wine snobbery all but abandoned, white people have been forced to find a new alcohol. It’s got European heritage, it’s expensive, college-age white people avoid it, and perhaps most importantly, crotchety old white men love it.
3. Gift card to Anthropologie. You might have walked past it a few times at your local mall and wondered how they crammed the interior of a late-nineteenth century barn into a shopping center that was built in 2005. It is the store equivalent of a Wes Anderson film, which certainly helps to explain its appeal, but it is also the most efficient way for white women to look and (hopefully) live like Amélie.
4. World music. If it’s played loud enough at work or at a dinner party, people are almost guaranteed to say, “Who is this?” To which the white person can say, “You know, when I was in Bolivia, I really got into this flute music. I got this CD from a group of musicians on the streets of La Paz.”
5. DVD of Christopher Guest film. Rather than try to add to the comedy of these movies, your best bet around white people is to simply profess your love for all that Christopher Guest has done. If you want to take it to the next level, you should casually say, “I heard Christopher Guest is going to be directing an indie version of Spinal Tap; it’s set in Portland.” You might want to keep a brown paper bag nearby for the inevitable hyperventilation that will follow this announcement.
6. A copy of Whiter Shades of Pale. Have you seen the line drawings inside and the trailer? Enough said.
Amazon
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Hay it’s still funny
Thank you for providing really informative posts on your site.
So as the writer of this blog.
By the way it took only half an hour to write. I had to write this down. Some people are so ignorant about these race issues. They think they know the whole World. And don’t care if this blog meant to be funny, it is not. Maybe it is for Americans, but America has only a mere fraction of the World population.
Ever hear of paraphrasing? Jeez….get a job or something, you have way to much time on your hands…
Meth-Trash like meth.
Before anyone read this, I will make it clear that right now I am in fucking RAGE. So proceed with caution this could look like a primitive, racist,
unintelligent response.
Thank you.
WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT ON THAT FUCKING SIDE OF THIS SHITGLOBE YOU WERE THINKING? If these fuckning HELL-O-MIGHTY CONQUERTHEWORLDAMERICANS shits, are to
represent every white on the planet, then throw them in a hole, KILL THEM ALL. And all you ignorant fuck reading this and finding this “funny”, go die with
theam as well.
First of all let’s have a history lesson, my fucking people were slaves for almost 500 fucking years, and yes I am white. So to indicate, that every shit
eating white would avoid saying christmas (Yes Merry Christmas to all Muslims, fuck cares, by the way I am pagan) or saying other day-to-day things to others
like blacks or asians, because they have guilt, is fucking retarded. Why? Because I don’t fucking care if the colonial empires put their dick in the rest of
the world’s asshole, I was not fucking part of it, nor my goddamn dead ancestors were part of it. They didn’t had the fucking time to lift a toothpick in
Africa, because they were busy fucking STARVING, and fucking MASSACRED. Shit they never even seen any black nor asian, besides only when they invaded us as
auxiliary forces of Tatars and Turks. So to point out I never had any white guilt, nor any of us, more like you should have the guilt, because you fucked up
my country hand-in-hand with the VODKACYBORGRUSSIANS, who coulnd’t even drive a bicycle when they arrived (they put them in the shallow street trenches, sat
on and used it like a child motorbike, with their legs). Basically you just came (MUTHAFUCKAMURIKKANS), and started bombing the shit out of every city you
saw, civilians? fuck cares, schools? fuck cares, people working on the fields? target practice.
SPOILERS: Holy shit USA saved the world again, those rampaging peasants and children, who nefariously hid in the cellars to defeat our glorius country, are
neutralized. Hurray!! O! say can you see by the dawn’s…
But you are not the only one, others fucking killed and invaded big time, more than you: French, English, Germans (nazis too), Russians (commies too),
Austrians, Serbs, Croats, Bulgarians, Italians, Czechs, Slovaks, Turks and Mongols (also some now extinct peoples). Why do I tell this to you? Because all of
these except the latter three, were white people. So to say that I, on the basis of skin color, have any association with them is herecy. For me this fucking
whiteness means NOT A SHITASSBLOODYFUCKERGOAT thing, I am fucking pile it off if you want, its all red underneath. Skin is nothing, speaking my own separate
language, culture, thinking, way of life, symbolism and writing is ALL WHAT MATTERS.
Ps. forgot to say KILL EM ALL, KILL EM ALL.
Ps.Ps. Why would any sane person maintain kinship with a same color man, whose ancestors come in and cut off every child’s head in the city, then forced the
parents to build pyramids out of the heads, then sliced the parents belly, put wood in there, then ignited the wood (Serbs did this to us); Or just killing
of the father, then raping his wife and daughters, and forcing them and all the born children to live with the killer as a loving family (Russians did this
to us); Or sending the father and his underaged son to the front, but when they arrive another officer accuse them that they are deserters (who deserts in
the direction of the front?) and shoot them (Germans did this to us); Or going home after the war you see that your home village was cut in half, and the new
border is going through houses, and gardens, and you can no longer visit your grandparents who happen to live on the other side of the village (French did
this to us); Or that the monarch of the invaders announces that your local currency worth 1/100 times its current worth, and you can’t even buy an egg on
your monthly salary (Austrians did this to us); Or that you are an unvanted pest in a newly formed country what never existed before, and declair you
secondary citizen, force you out of your home, confiscating all your property, with only one suitcase (Czechs and Slovaks did this to us, they are basically
the same though).
No, you are american, unionist, internazional or liberal shits would ever understand this, because you don’t have a separate language, culture, thinking, way
of life, symbolism or writeing; just a mix of all that shit floating in the international medium. You are still bounded to the curse of the English, the
disease of world domination, and until your native language is English, you are not free from that. From my point of view I at a fucking
HYDROGENBOMBASSHAULING war with the US and its DICKSUCKERCALF the EU. I switch on the tv what do i see? ENGLISHSHITMECDONALDSPARISHILTONOILCRISIS, EAT
ENGLISHSHIT IT MAKES YOU BUTIFUL, PUT ENGLISHSHITWORDS in your sentences when you speak your native language so you look like less TURDIERHOBOBEARD. Guess
the only foreign language was allowed in elementary school to learn to me: that is right FUCKAMUTHAENGLISHSHIT.
Do you understand? You are in my face, I open the fridge: YOU, I open the toilet: YOU, I open a random womens VAG on the street: YOU. Stop fucking invading
me, after that you can make a blog about: STUFF GAYELFPALERSKINNYLIBERALCONSERVATIVEMURIKKANFAGGOT PEOPLE LIKE. Until that don’t bring other respectable,
sane, honest, kind, courteous and good-hearthed people’s ass on the line with them.
By the way I like architecture, but I never like a building because some SNOBTALLGRIZZLEDWHITEMIDGETFATASSHISPANICTRANSVESTITE says so, but because I
actually like it. UNDERSTOOD? And not only goes for that, it goes for everything else. Why would I like a Ferrari for its brand, if it accelerates like a
Polski-Fiat? (it is actually the best car though, try 126p). Makes no sense. And that is main principle why I have written this in the first place. The
importance of cultural like-mindedness, I knew somebody who had a foreigner girlfriend, and for instance what she had found funny, the guy didn’t, and
vica-versa. First she didn’t understand it, but then she ralized, that because their two peoples, background, language, culture is different no matter what
was their skin color, they never really could understand eachother.
So if you born here and you skin color is different, but you speak like me, think like me, have the same customs like me, then you are my people, and that is
because you just as I, in this case PRESERVE the same culture I am part of. And that is why this blog is BULLSHIT.
White people also like Viktor Orban!
Prime minister of Hungary.
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