Stuff White People Like » clander

Adorn your wall with this really cool poster.

clander — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 17:50:30 +0000

Since Whiter Shades of Pale came out back in November, a lot of people have voiced how much they love the book’s scarily accurate line drawings, which call out the prototypical white denizens of cities from Austin to Atlanta and Seattle to Santa Fe. Now comes your chance to own them in poster form (18 x 24). Regrettably not all of the drawings could be featured here, but it’s still quite possibly one of the coolest lineups of whiteness ever assembled.

Update: This contest is now closed. thanks to the 1,000+ people who entered!

In order from left to right: Chicago (first two), Atlanta, Austin, San Francisco, Brooklyn, Santa Fe, Toronto, Boston, Seattle, and New York.

Six Gifts to Guarantee a White Christmas

clander — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 23:00:06 +0000

Stumped about what to give that special white person in your life this holiday? Look no further.

1. Product made by someone named Tom. Nobody seems to make a better product than a man named Tom. The first popular white Tom is the man behind Tom’s of Maine. The other famous Tom for white people is the one who created TOMS Shoes. Every time you buy a pair of these canvas shoes they donate a pair to a child in need in the third world. Of course, instead of buying a pair of shoes, a white person could just donate the money they were going to use on shoes to the TOMS charity and let two people in the third world get new shoes. But that’s not a realistic possibility, not with summer right around the corner.

2. Single-malt scotch. With beer snobbery mastered and wine snobbery all but abandoned, white people have been forced to find a new alcohol. It’s got European heritage, it’s expensive, college-age white people avoid it, and perhaps most importantly, crotchety old white men love it.

3. Gift card to Anthropologie. You might have walked past it a few times at your local mall and wondered how they crammed the interior of a late-nineteenth century barn into a shopping center that was built in 2005. It is the store equivalent of a Wes Anderson film, which certainly helps to explain its appeal, but it is also the most efficient way for white women to look and (hopefully) live like Amélie.

4. World music. If it’s played loud enough at work or at a dinner party, people are almost guaranteed to say, “Who is this?” To which the white person can say, “You know, when I was in Bolivia, I really got into this flute music. I got this CD from a group of musicians on the streets of La Paz.”

5. DVD of Christopher Guest film. Rather than try to add to the comedy of these movies, your best bet around white people is to simply profess your love for all that Christopher Guest has done. If you want to take it to the next level, you should casually say, “I heard Christopher Guest is going to be directing an indie version of Spinal Tap; it’s set in Portland.” You might want to keep a brown paper bag nearby for the inevitable hyperventilation that will follow this announcement.

6. A copy of Whiter Shades of Pale. Have you seen the line drawings inside and the trailer? Enough said.

Whiter Shades of Pale: The Book Trailer

clander — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 18:41:19 +0000

Whiter Shades of Pale is out tomorrow! How could we resist celebrating with a round of White Person Travel Bingo?

Play your own round of White Bingo:

View this document on Scribd

Buy the book:
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Borders.com
IndieBound

Mark your calendars, America.

clander — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 22:36:43 +0000

Christian will launch his Whiter Shades of Pale book tour next Tuesday (publication day) in Brooklyn, followed by 12 more cities. Don’t miss it!

NEW YORK Launch Party: Tuesday, November 23rd
7:00pm, Powerhouse Arena
37 Main Street, Brooklyn, NY 11201

LOS ANGELES: Monday, November 29th
7:00pm, Book Soup
8818 Sunset Blvd., West Hollywood, CA 90069

SAN DIEGO: Wednesday, December 1st
7:30pm, Warwick’s
7812 Girard Ave. La Jolla, CA 92037

SAN FRANCISCO: Thursday, December 2nd
7:00pm. Books Inc.
2251 Chestnut St., San Francisco, CA 94123

BERKELEY, CA: Friday, December 3rd
7:30pm, Pegasus Books
2349 Shattuck Ave., Berkeley, CA 94704

PORTLAND, OR: Sunday, December 5th
5:00pm, Powell’s Books
1005 W. Brunside, Portland, OR 97210

SEATTLE: Tuesday, December 7th
7:00pm, Elliott Bay Books
1521 10th Ave., Seattle, WA 98122

LOS ANGELES: Thursday, December 9th
8:30pm, Los Angeles Library
Central Library, 630 W. 5th St.
Los Angeles, CA 90071

BOULDER, CO: Wednesday, January 12th
7:30pm, Boulder Bookstore
1107 Pearl St., Boulder, CO 80302

DENVER: Thursday, January 13th
7:30pm, Tattered Cover Book Store
1628 16th St., Denver, CO 80202

AUSTIN: Friday, January 14th
7:00pm, BookPeople
603 N. Lamar Blvd., Austin, TX 78703

MADISON, WI: Tuesday, January 18th
7:00pm, Borders
3750 University Ave., Madison, WI

MINNEAPOLIS: Wednesday, January 19th
7:00pm, Magers & Quinn
3038 Hennepin Ave. S, Minneapolis, MN 55408

CHICAGO: Thursday, January 20th
7:00pm, Book Cellar
4736-38 North Lincoln Ave., Chicago, IL 60625

From Whiter Shades of Pale (#63): My So-Called Life

clander — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 17:33:13 +0000

Though very specific to white people who were going through an awkward phase in 1995 (basically anyone between eleven and forty), My So-Called Life’s resonance cannot be overstated. Simply say the words Jordan Catalano. Say them to any white woman, gay white male, or superconfident-in-his-sexuality, irony-loving straight white male, and watch them swoon. You seriously do not even need an explanation about the show. Actually, if someone asks your name, you should say it’s Jordan Catalano and that you’ve never heard of the show. You will be the hit of the party, provided you let everyone in on the joke by the middle of the evening. Otherwise you will probably be known as a self-centered, dyslexic jerk.

The show itself was seen as revolutionary for its frank and honest dealings with same- sex relationships, drug and alcohol use among teenagers, and domestic abuse. However, the part of the show that truly bonds white people together is not their common experience of exploring these issues. No, it’s the collective sense of regret for mid-nineties fashion.

“Do you remember the episode where Rayanne had the drug overdose?”
“Sort of. Do you remember that choker necklace she wore?
What were we thinking?”
“I’ve actually had a drug prob—”
“And the scrunchies? Are you kidding me?”

So rather than attempting to use the social aspect of the show to forge a deep connection with white people, you should simply revert to the number-one rule when dealing with white people: throw a themed party.

As a male, if you arrive with a white T-shirt, ripped jeans, and a plaid shirt tied around your waist you should be guaranteed, at the very least, a make-out session. As a female, show up with a plaid skirt, combat boots, and your hair parted down the middle. Though this outfit would normally get you branded as a lesbian, tonight it will have quite the opposite effect.

Note: You may notice that all the music from this era is very depressing. Do not worry about it having a negative effect on your party. White people have an amazing ability to get drunk and then all happily sing, in unison, a song about suicide.

Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast from Seattle’s Sweaters to Maine’s Microbrews, coming 11/23!

A first look inside Whiter Shades of Pale

clander — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 17:18:51 +0000

For your viewing pleasure, click here to check out an excerpt of the soon-to-be hot off the press sequel to Stuff White People Like.

Whiter Shades of Pale #44: Roller Derby

clander — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 15:50:13 +0000

If you meet a white girl with black hair, tattoos, and a passion for horror films, there is a 100 percent chance that she plays in some sort of Roller Derby league. The sport reached its height of popularity in the seventies, thus all but guaranteeing that white people would eventually resurrect it in a fit of nostalgia and irony. But the sport draws in white people for many other reasons, including funny costumes and the opportunity for women to compete under clever pseudonyms like Arianna Puffington and Sarah Nailin’.

Once a league forms, schedules are made, websites are put up, venues are booked, and tickets are sold. In all, it’s a testament to the incredible work ethic that white people have when it comes to a whimsical activity.

Should you choose to attend an event, you will be shocked at the sheer volume of mustaches and black rock-and-roll T-shirts, and the complete lack of anyone with a full-time job. When the activities start, the women will start skating around in a circle. There are rules and points and strategies, but at most Roller Derby matches the only people who seem to be aware of them are the people playing.

If you know someone who plays on a Roller Derby team, you should treat them like a white person who does improv. Encourage them in their efforts, but make it clear that you will not pay money to watch their hobby.

Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast from Seattle’s Sweaters to Maine’s Microbrews, coming 11/23 and now available for pre-order!

Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast from Seattle’s Sweaters to Maine’s Microbrews available November 23, 2010

clander — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 15:08:40 +0000

The follow up to 2008′s Stuff White People Like: A complete guide to the unique tastes of millions will be released November 23rd, 2010! It contains 70% all- new content as well as a regional guide to white people across America including such cities as Austin, TX, Madison, WI, Boulder, CO, and all of your other favorite white cities in which you cannot afford to own property.

Pre-Order

#134 The TED Conference

clander — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 19:35:28 +0000

One of the easiest ways to create something that white people will like is to create something that will allow them to feel smart but doesn’t require a large amount of work, time, or effort. There is, however, a catch. Whatever it is that you create cannot be a shortcut. You see white people like the idea of getting smarter quickly, but they don’t like the idea of people thinking that they are lazy. It is a bit of a paradox, but it does explain why white people only like Cliff Notes if they are part of some sort of hilarious college story about last-minute studying for an exam. And why they consider it highly unacceptable to use cliff notes or Wikipedia to get a rough understanding of a book you don’t want to read.

Unfortunately being able to create something that makes you feel smarter without having to do a lot of work has been very difficult. So only a few ideas have ever gained traction with white people, the most notable of which being documentary films and public radio. However, in the past decade a new item has been added to this very short list-TED Talks.

The TED Conference is an invite-only affair that brings together the smartest minds from around the world to share their knowledge and wisdom with the attendees. Additionally all of the talks are made available online and as podcasts so that white people are able to watch or listen to them at work or during their commute.

These talks are like college lectures, except that they are free to listen, shorter, and white people aren’t hung over and pretending to listen.

Due to the broad audience watching the talks, TED speakers generally take very complex ideas and boil them down into a simple engaging presentation. So when a white person finds out that you have a PhD and visits and attempts to engage you in a conversation about String Theory, you should know that all of their understanding comes from a twenty-minute talk they listened to while running on a treadmill. You should also be aware that the average white person considers their knowledge on the subject to be on par or superior to yours.

Sadly, TED Talks are not all roses and NPR approved comedians. For many white people, TED Conferences are actually a source of sadness and depression. This comes from their dreams to attend a future TED Conference in person. But with a price tag of $6000 and an invite-only policy, many white people are simply unable to attend. This is a new concept for white people as they have successfully been creating and joining expensive exclusive clubs for over one thousand years. Popular examples include: private schools, politics, and ice hockey.

Note: It is not advised to try to use sarcasm when trying to console a white person about their lack of an invitation to the TED conference.

“It must hard for you not being able to get into an expensive, invitation only club. As a non-white person, lets just say I have some experience in that field.”

“You didn’t get into MENSA either huh?”

#133 The World Cup

clander — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 18:10:36 +0000

Every four years the planet comes together to celebrate the World Cup and since white people make up a portion the world, they are not immune to the excitement.

However, before you start planning out long watching sessions with white people you should be aware of exactly why white people get so excited about the World Cup. Though you may be waiting on bated breath for your favorite sport on a global scale, white people like the World Cup because it allows them to pretend they are European for a few weeks, and more importantly, it allows them to get drunk at odd hours.

Virtually every white person you speak to about the World Cup is incapable of remembering any actual event that took place during a game but can, with near total recall, remember how they got very drunk on Sangria during a Spain-Paraguay match at five in the morning.

From reading the above paragraph, the sharper ones among you have likely noticed that clever white people also adore the World Cup because it allows them to pair countries with their respective alcoholic drink.

“England is playing Argentina? Dude we gotta get some Newcastle then like, I don’t know, like some wine I guess?”

This plan will be consummated with a high five, a trip to Trader Joes, and the purchase of a soccer jersey that will be worn, on average, twice a decade.

It’s also worth noting the amazing interest shown by white women in the World Cup. While they generally find most professional sporting events to be boring, the atmosphere at a World Cup match is much more amenable. Mostly because they don’t have to drink light beer and there is a good chance that they might meet a European man, or, at least someone who might be planning a trip there. This is far superior to a hockey game where, at best, they might meet a Canadian. It goes without saying that for white women, the World Cup can’t come soon enough.

Of course, hosting a themed party around one of the games is a sure fire way to increase your popularity with white people, but at the end of the day it does not increase your bottom line. No, during the World Cup, the most profit to be made will come from betting on the games with white people. Not only will they have plenty of disposable income, they will follow the following betting patterns:

England is good
Brazil is good
Italy is good
Teams from Africa are cute underdogs and thus always worth a bet.

When it comes to talking about the event, it goes without saying that you should probably avoid trying to talk to white people about any of the actual players in the World Cup aside from the biggest stars. Most white people cobble their soccer knowledge together from UK celebrity gossip and a few games of FIFA on the Wii.

But if you do find yourself talking to a white person who actually knows a lot about soccer you are probably talking to a European, or worse, a white guy who tries too hard.

The latter is especially dangerous, as they have likely been waiting for years to meet someone to converse with about “football” and with soccer’s year round schedule, they will never leave you alone.

Photo Credit: LisaLouise