Stuff White People Like » mylosh

Tour Ends in Bay Area

mylosh — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 02:13:56 +0000

Been a fun run for the 2nd tour. Thanks everyone for coming out to all the events.

Tour ends with two dates in the Bay Area. Hope to see you there!

Friday, October 24th – Berkeley, CA

7:30pm
Berkley Arts & Letters
First Congregational Church of Berkley
2345 Channing Way @ Dana
Berkeley, CA

Saturday, October 25th – San Francisco, CA

7:30pm
Booksmith Bookstore
1644 Haight St.
San Francisco, CA

Portland Visit

mylosh — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 02:09:40 +0000

Interesting facts about Portland Oregon

- named the “Greenest city” in America by Popular Science
- has the highest rate of microbreweries per capita
- citizens are not allowed to pump their own gas
- Rasheed Wallace once lived here
- home of the Reed College Ultimate Frisbee team
- and Stuff White People Like author will be making an appearance there on Monday (Info Below)

Monday, October 20th – Portland, OR

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Powell’s Books
3723 SE Hawthorne Blvd.
Portland, OR 97209
503-228-4651

Houston Tour Stop

mylosh — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 00:28:41 +0000

Friday, October 17th – Houston, TX

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Borders
Houston, TX
3025 Kirby
Houston, TX 77098

Author Appearances in Wisconsin

mylosh — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 20:05:36 +0000

Christian Lander will be making appearances in the Badger state this week. Hope to see you there.

Wednesday, October 15th – Madison, WI

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Borders
Madison, WI
3750 University Ave.
Madison, WI 53705

Thursday, October 16th – Milwaukee, WI

7:00pm
Talk & Signing
Borders
Milwaukee, WI
8705 N. Port Washington
Fox Point, WI 53217

Stuff White People Like Writer on Late Night With Conan O’Brien

mylosh — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:29:06 +0000

This Friday September 5th, Stuff White People Like Author Christian Lander will be making a guest appearance on Late Night With Conan O’Brien.

NBC 12:35 / 11:35 C

#74 Oscar Parties

mylosh — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 16:33:36 +0000

One of the best places to gain a white person’s trust is at an Oscar party. An invitation to one these parties is basically your “foot in the door”.

Vocabulary is one of the first things to be aware of at an Oscar party. Never say “movie”, always say “film” and know which awards use the term “Best” and which ones use “Outstanding Achievement”. Saying “I hope Atonement wins Best Art Direction” will guarantee that you won’t be invited next year.

Attire is very important as well. Either dress in an fancy suit / gown or wear something that relates to one of the films nominated for Best Picture. So for the 2008 Oscar Party it might be best to put a pillow under your shirt and come as a pregnant teenager in tribute to Juno (by no means should anyone bring an actual pregnant teenager). You can impress white people even further by bringing in a food or drink item that relates to a film. Again using Juno as an example, if you were to come to the party with jugs of SunnyD, it would highlight your keen observation of detail when it comes to watching films. Then they will see that you watch films the same way that they do. Also be prepared to be involved in an Oscar Pool, but make sure you don’t win. If you do, just say that you were lucky.

However all of this preparation will mean nothing if one does not act during the most important part of the night: when the nominees are read for Best Foreign Film. At this point someone will get angry and state that some movie that no one has heard of, was snubbed. When this happens just nod and agree. Mention that it sounds interesting and that you will watch it tomorrow, even if you have already seen it and know that its boring.

Basically what separates Oscar Night from other party nights is that it allows white people to express themselves through their tastes in film. If they see that you are someone who agrees with a majority of their opinions, then they will be your friend and provide you with ample opportunities to sip wine and attend film festivals together

#66 Divorce

mylosh — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 12:58:11 +0000

Most studies on the topic of divorce, focus in on the obvious. For instance the median age of divorce for white men is 30.5 and 29 for women. This is usually around the time when white people further over analyze their lives and look for change, even if some of the stuff that they accomplished, like having good credit, a high paying job, or the ability to purchase a hybrid car are things that people from other ethnicities would love to have.

Another key factor of divorce is children. On average people who divorce, do so when their children are between the ages of 7-10. Before the birth of their first child, white people like to spend thousands of dollars on books that tell them how to raise children So instead of simply letting their child watch Hannah Montana or work on their jump-shot, they will take them on weird activities suggested by some over educated individual with a PhD or force them to read a book that is meant for a 9th grader. This often leads to white children hating their parents especially when they don’t live up to their expectations.

While all of these are 87% true very little is spoken of the positive reasons on why white people divorce. Look at the sets of jobs below

Job Set A
marriage counselor
family therapist
lawyer

Job Set B
wedding planner
caterer
80s DJ
photographer
videographer

There is basically a large sector of white workers with arts majors, that would otherwise be unemployed were it not for the high rate of divorce. So just like the love of lawyers, getting divorced is a way to give back to the community. Not getting divorced would have same effect as pulling Shell out of Nigeria or call centers out of India. People would be on the street and a civil war would break out.

The list in Job Set A deals with the actual act of divorce. Married couples like to go to lawyers, counselors and therapist before, during, and after a marriage. There really is no need to pay $300 an hour to talk to someone who has read a lot of eastern European authors, but Hollywood has done a great job of popularizing this profession, and as mentioned above, there is a charitable aspect to this as well.

The list in Job Set B deals with weddings. First of all white people love throwing weddings, and if the first wedding did not go according to plan or if a close friend’s wedding had clever invitations, better desert or a samba band, then the act of the divorce serves as gateway to give it another shot. Secondly many white people in their late teens / early 20s make the mistake of taking film or photography in college. Since Hollywood can not employ everyone, the wedding industry is the one field that allows all these poor arts majors to pay for their rent and their first divorce later

Happy Day after Valentines Everyone

#57 Juno

mylosh — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 05:04:46 +0000

Juno, starring Halifax’s Ellen Page, is a critically acclaimed comedy about a wise cracking teenager, dealing with an unexpected pregnancy. As 2007′s Indie hit, it is alternative mainstream and white people love it when low budget movies do well, even though the $7 million budget is enough to feed thousands of villages in East Africa for a year. White people, especially ones over 30, also love movies that take them back to a time when there was zero hip hop influence in white high schools. So although the character of Juno and her high school are very unrealistic, older people identify with her and wish that their unappreciative children would be more like her.

On another note, the film takes place in a fictional suburban town in Minnesota, but imagine the same storyline in say West Baltimore or Socorro, TX. My guess is that there would be less qurkiness, less acoustic guitar and zero references to Dario Argento. Teen pregnancy is not as big a problem in the suburban midwest as it is in urban centers or border towns, therefore it is acceptable to not only green light a movie shedding light on teen pregnancy but it is okay to laugh at the situation and add a killer indie soundtrack.

It also doesn’t hurt that the screenplay was written by somebody named “Diablo” and that Jason Bateman and Michael Cera are in the movie as well.

p.s I’m not a robot, I cried when Vanessa got her baby

Just as funny as Juno

#56 Lawyers

mylosh — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 09:44:02 +0000

A common characteristic amongst white people is the need to over analyze things, so they partake in activities such as therapy, writing a blog, or becoming an arts major. So its rather obvious why white people love lawyers so much as it is the one profession that has mastered the art of “over analyzing things”. Even though most disputes can be resolved through reason, unselfishness, and / or a google search, white people would prefer to take things to court or have something in writing. Lawyers are seen as the ultimate problem solvers and “the law” is seen as the be all, end all, of resolving all the world’s ills. In fact white people tend to have better relationships with their lawyers than with family members or friends. Please note that when around white people, that it is social suicide to admit or state that you don’t have a regular lawyer.

But perhaps the one main reason why white people love lawyers is the sense that they are giving back to the community. Most white people major in the arts, and law school is pretty much the only option for anyone with a BA that wants a decent paying job. Basically this love of the law is keeping the demand for lawyers much higher than it should be. So paying lawyer fees to settle the smallest problem, is the white person equivalent of Warrick Dunn building homes for low income families.

#45 Asian Fusion Food

mylosh — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 05:54:06 +0000

While white people enjoy venturing to ethnic parts of town to satisfy their pallette, most would prefer to take their first dates and parents to a place with dimmer lights, less water tanks with crabs and lobsters wishing that they would die, less ducks hanging from the window and table cloths that aren’t plastic sheets. Some people caught on to this and decided to open Fusion Asian restaurants. These people are now very rich

Fusion restaurants offer a mix of all Asian foods (except Indian, but most don’t know that India is part of Asia) in an atmosphere that resembles a cocktail lounge in the West Village as opposed to Hong Kong. Basically you can eat exotic, in comfortable surroundings. Many are not shy to admit that the food is subpar and overpriced, but they still line up for hours to get in because they love the decor and the mix drinks. These places often have names with no Asian words or characters in them and are limited to two syllables. ie) Ginger, Spring Rolls, Wild Rice, Sumile. Sometimes the names are really clever like “Asiate”, get it?