It is a guarantee that whenever it is announced that a popular book is being turned into a movie, white people will get upset. This is partly due to their fear that something they love will be made accessible to more people and thus enjoyed by more people which immediately decreases the amount of joy a white person can feel towards the original property. Yes, it’s complicated.

The other problem is that these announcements create a ticking time bomb where by a white person must read the book in ADVANCE of the release of the movie. This is done partly so that they can engage in the popular activity of complaining about how the movie failed to capture the essence of the book. But more importantly, once a book has been made into a movie, a white person can no longer read that book. To have read the book after the movie is one of the great crimes in white culture, and under no circumstances should you ever admit to doing this. Literally dozens of white friendships have imploded when it was revealed that someone read Fight Club after 1999.

So when it was announced that Where the Wild Things Are was being turned into a feature film, white people didn’t immediately get excited at the prospect of this film, in fact a great number of white people cringed when they first heard it was being turned into a movie. This was merely instinct. Immediately, those concerns quickly turned into an opiate-like peace when they found out that the film is being directed by white person favorite Spike Jonze and adapted for the screen by legendary white writer Dave Eggers.

Though the talent and the material has white people in a tizzy, the real excitement comes from the fact that this film is based off a book that is 48 pages long and made up mostly of illustrations. This means that white people do not have to re-read the book until the day they head to the movie theater. Thus freeing them up to watch The Director’s Series: The Work of Spike Jonze DVD which they bought years ago but only watched once.

Finally, and perhaps of most value to you is that the film has generously provided you with an excellent way to test out how many white friends you have. When the trailer was released a few months ago, you should have been inundated with emails, instant messages, and Facebook wall posts about how you need to see the trailer immediately. If you received no word that the trailer was available, then you currently are in possession of no white friends. If you received multiple notices, you should take note about who sent it to you first.

Within white culture, your choice of transportation method says a lot about you.  For example a Prius says you care about the Earth, a bicycle shows you REALLY care about the earth, and a bus shows that you are probably not white.  But these three options are not the only viable ways for a white person to get around, they have literally dozens of choices including Volvos, old Mercedes that run on vegetable oil, Subaru Outbacks, and Vespa Scooters.

As it stands, every single white person on earth either owns, has owned, or is dreaming about owning a Vespa Scooter.  And why not?  They are Italian, feature vintage design, low emissions, make the rider look more sophisticated, and they carry a little bit of risk. In fact, were it to have a liberal arts degree and a steady income,  a Vespa scooter would possesses every important quality that a white person looks for in a spouse.

In addition to these superficial qualities, there are some very practical benefits to white people.  Namely, scooters are perfect for gentrifying neighborhoods which are often short on parking and heavy on people who are impressed by Vespas.

If you are in search of a fun game, a white person who has recently purchased a Vespa can be a source of tremendous entertainment.  Step One, get them talking about their Vespa (easy).  Step Two, start asking them why they didn’t save money by getting a Honda or Suzuki that gets the same mileage.  Step Three, see how many of the following justifications a white person will use during the ensuing rant:  environment, parking, urban lifestyles, union labor, writers, fuel efficiency, Roman Holiday, study abroad, and being into Vespas before other people.

Finally, the Vespa has produced one of the great paradoxes in white culture.  Vintage Vespas are infinitely cooler than newer ones, but the vintage models produce more pollution than most automobiles. If you know a white person going through this dilemma, just say something like “the amount of energy and carbon used to produce a new scooter will probably cancel out the emissions from your vintage one.”

Problem solved forever.

During the course of a white person’s education they will go through many phases including but not limited to:  “awkward,”  “classic rock,” and “being really into a foreign country.”  Of these phases, there is only one  that all white people are required to go through before they can obtain their  bachelor’s degree. It is known as “Bob Marley.”

Depending on the coolness of the white person, they can experience this stage anywhere between the sixth grade and their last year of college.  Regardless of when they went through this phase, every white person can tell you about the time when they had Legend on repeat. If you wish to test this theory, go to any floor in a College Dorm and there is a 100% chance you will find at least one Bob Marley poster.

It is also worth noting that white people tend get into smoking marijuana during this phase.  This is why all white people view the combination of the two as one of the most pleasurable experiences on earth.  But when white people really want to take it to the next level they will combine Bob Marley, Marijuana, a long weekend and some sort of notable outdoor location (beach, cottage, or patio). There are few activities on earth that are more appealing to white people.

The only acceptable reasons for declining participation are a prior engagement at a music festival or a commitment to go camping.

It’s also worth noting that when talking to white people about Bob Marley there is no need to use his surname.  This is because all white people refer to him simply as “Bob.”

Since so many people are into Bob Marley, it is only natural for advanced white people to profess to only marginally liking Bob Marley (note: it is impossible for a white person to outright dislike him).  Instead, these white people will claim to preferring more obscure artists like Burning Spear or Peter Tosh.

But be warned that a white person saying they like “reggae” what they really mean is “reggae from 1965-1983.”

Under no circumstances should you ever bring a white person to a dancehall reggae concert,  it will frighten them.

Note: if you are talking to a white person who is really into Bob Marley, has dreadlocks, and professes to be a Rastafarian, you should end the conversation immediately.  These people are of no value unless you need directions to a WTO protest or have questions about how bad a human can smell.

Photo Abdou.W

Often it can be easier to find common ground with a white person by talking to them about something you both hate.  Discussing things you both like might lead to an argument over who likes it more or who liked it first.  Clearly, the safest route is mutual hatred.  When choosing to talk about something that white people hate, it’s best to choose something that will allow white people to make clever comments or at the very least feel better about themselves.  Currently, the easiest way to do that is to ask a white person for their thoughts on people who wear Ed Hardy.

Ed Hardy is a clothing company that makes a wide range of expensive t-shirts, hoodies, and jeans.  These clothes are notable for their use of elements from classic tattoo design such as skulls, hearts, and dragons.  On the surface, the use of the words “classic” “tattoo” and “t-shirt” would seem like a logical fit for white people, but it is not.  White people hate these clothes unilaterally and it is advised that you merely accept that at face value.  If you were to ask a white person to explain why a regular size dragon logo is ok but one that goes around the neck is not, you would be trapped in a long and fruitless conversation.

To put this in proper perspective, Ed Hardy is so hated by white people that it cannot be worn ironically.  This is no small feat.  As it stands, the only other entries in this category are Nazi Uniforms, Ku Klux Klan Robes, and self-tanner.

Since you cannot in good conscience have an Ed Hardy themed party, the best way to make use of this white hatred is to give your stories a little more appeal to white people.

For example, if you take the reasonable but not compelling story: “I got cut off in traffic this morning and when I honked the guy gave me the finger,” and replace it with: “I got cut off in traffic this morning by this guy in an Ed Hardy shirt.  I honked and then he gave me the finger!”  The story will become sixty percent more interesting to white people because it allows them to make a witty response like: “I guess that douche bag had to get to a UFC party or a nightclub event he was promoting.”

Follow this up with a laugh, a high five, and a compliment about the acceptable shirt the white person is wearing and you will find yourself with a new friend.

©2009 Stuart Isett/www.isett.com

“Bonding with their Downward-facing Humans”

By: Bethany Lyttle.  New York Times, April 8th, 2009.

Overview

White people like to make the most of their free time, but many of them discovered that time doing yoga was time away from their dog and time with their dog was time away from yoga.  It was becoming a fairly significant problem.  Thankfully, Doga has been created to allow white people to combine two of their favorite things into one expensive, time consuming activity called Doga or dog yoga.

Concerns

“Doga runs the risk of trivializing yoga by turning a 2,500-year-old practice into a fad,” said Julie Lawrence, 60, a yoga instructor and studio owner in Portland, Ore. “To live in harmony with all beings, including dogs, is a truly yogic principle. But yoga class may not be the most appropriate way to express this.”

She is correct, the most appropriate way to express yogic principles is by wearing $100 stretch pants at an expensive yoga studio.  Failing that, the second most appropriate way to express your devotion to yoga is to do it at home with a holy DVD and yoga mat from Target.

Value

These classes run between $15-25 per class and according to one instructor feature a number of complex activities:

Ms. Bryan, the author in Seattle, said: “It’s a new field so there can be confusion about what doga is and isn’t.” Her classes are loosely structured and filled with humor. “Who cares if everybody’s facing the same direction and doing exactly the same thing?” she said. “Besides, laughing is spiritual.”

To make that clear, white people are paying $15-25 per session to hold their dog in the same position as other white people.  This is considered a relative bargain.

Stuff Mentioned in the Article

#53 Dogs
#15 Yoga
#26 Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!)
Portland, Oregon (Book)
#11 Asian Girls
#92 Book Deals
#101 Being Offended

Television is one of the keys to a white person’s heart. A proper reference to Arrested Development or the lending of a Wire Season on DVD are considered two of the easiest and most cost effective ways of getting a white person to like you. But with both of those shows off the air, their utility is being quickly depleted. Thankfully, there is Mad Men.

Mad Men is a TV show on cable with low ratings, multiple awards, critical praise, and full seasons available on DVD. It’s no surprise white people love it. And while you could apply the previously mentioned techniques to gain white friendship, Mad Men has an entirely new world of possibilities.

The show is set in 1960 and features meticulous art direction that strives to make the show as historically accurate as possible. This veracity makes the show especially vulnerable to one of white people’s favorite activities on earth: finding mistakes. And as is always the case with white people, the harder someone strives for accuracy, the happier a white person is to prove them wrong.

“Oh yeah, it’s a great show don’t get me wrong. But you think at least one person would have know than those IBM Selectric type writers didn’t come out until 1961. I mean, it’s so obvious.”

But it is not recommended that you start searching for mistakes on the show. Doing so would require a massive amount of time spent on the internet. Also, if you point out errors that other white people missed they might be intimidated by you.

Instead, the best way to use Mad Men is to suggest or host a themed party.

When you say the words “we should have a Mad Men party,” white people will immediately latch onto the idea and begin planning. By the end of the day, they will have picked proper attire and emailed you a drink and hors d’oeuvre menu. In the days and weeks leading up to the party white people will be thinking of clever ways to make it more authentic.

Remember parties are fun, historically accurate themed parties are legendary.

During the actual event you should constantly mention how much people used to smoke and drink back then. A few white people will lament the days when they could smoke anywhere, then another white person will say something about cancer and it will get awkward. At this point you should try to steer the conversation back to cocktails and how good everyone looks.

The party should essentially run itself, however, you can severely curtail the amount of fun by saying: “I’m glad this isn’t really 1960 or else I’d be serving all of you.”

White people often find truth to be very depressing at theme parties.

Since all white people consider themselves to be “creative,” they are constantly in need of products and accessories that will allow them to capture their thoughts.  One of the more popular  products in recent years has been the Moleskine notebook.

This particular type of notebook is very expensive and was quite popular with writers and artists in the olden days.  Needless to say, these are two properties that are highly coveted in the white community.   In fact, it’s a good rule of thumb to know that white people like anything that old writers and artists liked:  typewriters, journals, suicide, heroin, and trains are just a few examples.

Much like virtually everything else that white people like, these notebooks are considerably more expensive yet provide no additional functionality over regular notebooks that cost a dollar.  Thankfully, since white people only keep their most original and creative ideas in the Moleskine, many of them will only be required to purchase one per lifetime.

But the the growing popularity of these little journals, is not without its own set of problems.  One of the strangest side effects has been the puzzling situation whereby a white person will sit in an independent coffee shop with a Moleskine notebook resting on top of a Apple laptop.  You might wonder why they need so many devices to write down thoughts?  Well, if a white person has a great idea, they write it by hand, if they have a good idea, it goes into the computer.

Not only does this help them keep their thoughts organized, but it serves as a signal to the other white people in the shop that the owner of both instruments is truly creative.  It screams: “I’m not using my computer to check email and read celebrity gossip, I’m using it to create art.  Please ask me about it.”

So when you see a white person with one of these notebooks, you should always ask them about what sort of projects they are working on their free time.  But you should never ask to actually see the notebook lest you ask the question “how are you going to make a novel out of five phone numbers and a grocery list?”

When you think about tattoo parlors, it conjures up images of sailors, gang members, hepatitis, and spring break.  All of these are things that white people do not like, except for sailors but that only counts if they were sailing before Vietnam.  Yet in spite of this, more and more white people are getting tattoos.

But do not make the mistake of thinking that white people like all tattoos.  In fact, they hate a great number of them:

* Anything with an American Flag or Eagle

* References to Military Services

* Tribal Arm Bands

* “Heritage”

* Faces of children, spouses, or dead people

* Tattoos with more than one color

A white person getting a tattoo is a major step in their life as it presupposes that their taste at this given moment is good enough to sustain them for the rest of their lives.  Needless to say, this is a near impossible task.  This is why you don’t see a lot of white people with R.E.M. or Strokes tattoos.

White people can only get tattoos of the only thing that they are guaranteed to like in five years, and needless to say it’s a short list.  But two things will never go out of style with white people: humor and irony.

An ironic/funny tat can come in many forms: a piece of bacon, old Nintendo characters, mustaches on the inside of their finger, or Asian Characters that say something funny and self-aware like “dim sum,”"chicken fried rice,” or “I can’t read Chinese.”

The Chinese or Japanese character is an interesting case study about the dangers of getting a tattoo with a personal meaning. You see, about fifteen years ago these were considered to be acceptable. Then the wrong kind of white people started getting sentences like “trust no one” or words like “beauty,” “truth,” or “endurance.”  To make a more modern analogy, it would be like The Arcade Fire being featured on a Jock Jams CD.

White people learned their lesson.

A white person with the right kind of tattoo is generally very popular within the white community since they have shown a demonstrated commitment to irony, humor, and in some cases, self-deprecation.

If you find yourself competing socially with one of these people, there are a few things you can do in order to defeat them.

Your saving grace is the fact that white people not only enjoy getting funny/ironic tattoos, but they really enjoy talking about them too!  Therefore, it is essential that you already have 2-3 clever tattoo ideas ready to drop into a conversation.

“Yeah, that finger mustache is pretty cool but a lot of people have it. (Note: this is the meanest thing you can say).  I’m thinking about getting a tattoo of a donut around my belly button or a picture of a hamburger on my forearm so I can order food when I’m in Japan.”

Your conversation partner will likely then tell you about the clever tattoos that they have been thinking of and before you know it they have forgotten all about your competition.

Photo from Fingerstache.com

Date

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 at 7:30 p.m.

Location

Taper Hall of the Humanities 101 (THH 101)
University of Southern California, University Park Campus
Los Angeles, CA

Map

MINNEAPOLIS, MN

Monday, January 26th, 4pm

University of Minnesota Bookstore
Coffman Memorial Union
300 Washington Ave. SE
Minneapolis, MN 55455

COLUMBUS, OH

Tuesday, January 27th, 7pm

Barnes & Noble/ OSU Bookstore
1958 N. High St.
Columbus, OH 43201

PHILADELPHIA, PA

Wednesday, January 28th, 7pm

Penn Bookstore
3601 Walnut St.
Philadelphia, PA 19104

ATLANTA

Thursday, January 29th, 7pm

The Euclid Ave. Yacht Club/ A Cappella Books
1136 Euclid Ave. NE
Atlanta, GA 30307
*book sold by A Cappella Books

Note: this is a bar.

PROVIDENCE, RI

Friday, January 30th, 4:30pm

Brown Bookstore/ Entrepreneurship Program
Brown University
Barus & Holley Building
184 Hope St.
Providence, RI 02912

CHATTANOOGA, TN

Saturday, January 31st, 7pm

Rock Point Books
401 Broad St.
Chattanooga, TN 37402

BOULDER, CO

Monday, February 2nd, 7:30pm

Boulder Bookstore
1107 Pearl St
Boulder, CO 80302

PHOENIX, AZ

Tuesday, February 3rd, 7pm

Changing Hands Bookstore
6428 S. McClintock Dr.
Tempe, AZ 85283

TUCSON, AZ

Wednesday, February 4th, 4:30pm

University of Arizona Bookstore
1209 E. University Blvd.
Tucson, AZ 85721