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Posts Tagged ‘Whiter Shades of Pale’

Though very specific to white people who were going through an awkward phase in 1995 (basically anyone between eleven and forty), My So-Called Life’s resonance cannot be overstated. Simply say the words Jordan Catalano. Say them to any white woman, gay white male, or superconfident-in-his-sexuality, irony-loving straight white male, and watch them swoon. You seriously do not even need an explanation about the show. Actually, if someone asks your name, you should say it’s Jordan Catalano and that you’ve never heard of the show. You will be the hit of the party, provided you let everyone in on the joke by the middle of the evening. Otherwise you will probably be known as a self-centered, dyslexic jerk.

The show itself was seen as revolutionary for its frank and honest dealings with same- sex relationships, drug and alcohol use among teenagers, and domestic abuse. However, the part of the show that truly bonds white people together is not their common experience of exploring these issues. No, it’s the collective sense of regret for mid-nineties fashion.

“Do you remember the episode where Rayanne had the drug overdose?”
“Sort of. Do you remember that choker necklace she wore?
What were we thinking?”
“I’ve actually had a drug prob—”
“And the scrunchies? Are you kidding me?”

So rather than attempting to use the social aspect of the show to forge a deep connection with white people, you should simply revert to the number-one rule when dealing with white people: throw a themed party.

As a male, if you arrive with a white T-shirt, ripped jeans, and a plaid shirt tied around your waist you should be guaranteed, at the very least, a make-out session. As a female, show up with a plaid skirt, combat boots, and your hair parted down the middle. Though this outfit would normally get you branded as a lesbian, tonight it will have quite the opposite effect.

Note: You may notice that all the music from this era is very depressing. Do not worry about it having a negative effect on your party. White people have an amazing ability to get drunk and then all happily sing, in unison, a song about suicide. (more…)

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#135: Roller Derby

If you meet a white girl with black hair, tattoos, and a passion for horror films, there is a 100 percent chance that she plays in some sort of Roller Derby league. The sport reached its height of popularity in the seventies, thus all but guaranteeing that white people would eventually resurrect it in a fit of nostalgia and irony. But the sport draws in white people for many other reasons, including funny costumes and the opportunity for women to compete under clever pseudonyms like Arianna Puffington and Sarah Nailin’.

Once a league forms, schedules are made, websites are put up, venues are booked, and tickets are sold. In all, it’s a testament to the incredible work ethic that white people have when it comes to a whimsical activity.

Should you choose to attend an event, you will be shocked at the sheer volume of mustaches and black rock-and-roll T-shirts, and the complete lack of anyone with a full-time job. When the activities start, the women will start skating around in a circle. There are rules and points and strategies, but at most Roller Derby matches the only people who seem to be aware of them are the people playing.

If you know someone who plays on a Roller Derby team, you should treat them like a white person who does improv. Encourage them in their efforts, but make it clear that you will not pay money to watch their hobby. (more…)

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