Archive for January, 2008

#25 David Sedaris

For many of you, this post will be a confusing as you wonder who exactly this David Sedaris is. He is a humorist who writes for the New Yorker and has seveal books including Barrel Fever and Holidays on Ice.

His stuff is kind of funny, but white people go crazy and will pay hundreds of dollars to hear him read from his own book. Let me say that again, they will pay money to see someone read from a book they have already read. They know the jokes are coming, they know the punch lines, but they feel the need to hear the author actually say it.

White people universally love David Sedaris. So if they ever ask you “who are you favorite authors?” you should always reply “David Sedaris.” They will instantly launch into a story about how much they love his work, and the conversation will go from there, and you don’t have to talk about books any more.

It is also safer than saying Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers, or Shakespeare. White people are very divided on these authors and might actually ask you questions about why you like them. Stick with David Sedaris, you can’t lose! If they do you press you, just say “I read a lot, and I never laugh out loud from a writer, but Sedaris is just brilliant.”

This advice will make white people respect you, trust you and more willing to invite to you parties.

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#24 Wine

There are a lot of cultures that like wine, but the way white people like wine is on a whole different level.

Within white culture, you are expected to know what a good wine is, what wine is not acceptable to like, and the names of prominent wine growing regions.

But because there are thousands of wineries, thousands of wines, and a limited time to try them or learn about it, often times, white people need to fake knowledge.  If they are exposed as not being knowledgeable, they will look like fools and their peers will consistently make jokes about them liking Boone’s Farm, Thunderbird, Steeler, or Lakeport.  This humiliation can crush a white person for years.

When a white person offers you wine, you take a small sip and then say “ooh, that’s nice.  What country is it from?” then they will say the name of the country and you say “I love wines from that country, I would love to get a villa in the wine region there.”  White people will nod in agreement as they all want to have a second home in a wine region like Napa, Tuscany or Santa Barbara.

It is also a good idea to say that your favorite wine is from a small winery called [make up name like ‘Spotswood,’ ‘Red Duck,’ Random Spanish name] in [Australia, Argentina, France, California, or Chile] that is hard to get in  whatever country you are in.  White people will be impressed that they have not heard of this wine and consider you to be a very smart person.  They will also make a note to try to find that wine, and when they can’t find it, your status will rise even higher.

Wines that are acceptable: Red, White (less so)

Wines that are unacceptable (unless to be consumed in an ironic fashion): White Zinfandel, wine in a box, Rose, Fortified Wine, Arbor Mist, Chinese Cooking Wine.

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#23 Microbreweries

White people don’t like stuff that’s easy to acquire.  Beer is no exception.

They generally try to avoid beers like Budweiser, Labatt’s, Molson, Coors, and Heineken because if it’s mass produced it is bad.  No exceptions.

So when they need a beer, they turn to microbrews who seem to be located almost exclusively in New England, Ontario, Quebec and Colorado.  Being able to walk into a bar and order a beer that no one has heard of makes white people feel good about their alcohol drinking palate.

A friend of mine once met a white guy who brought a notebook with him to every bar.  He would then keep a record of all the beers he drank and his experience with them.  He called it his ‘beer journal.’

Also of note: most white people want to open a microbrewery at some point.  One that uses organic hops.

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#22 Having Two Last Names

In recent years, white people love giving their children two last names.   This is a direct result of white women thinking it’s sexist and outdated to take on their husband’s name.  It is also sexist that the child would only carry the name of one parent, especially since the unnamed parent is the one who carried the child for nine months. The only logical solution is to give the kid a split last name.  White people can’t get enough of it!

As a result we have children growing up named Elijah Sadler-Moore.

While it’s true that many Spanish speaking cultures do this, often times their names are crazy long but are often shortened into sweet one word nicknames like Pele.  Also, there is a historical precedent.

Being a recent phenomenon, we have yet to see what happens when one split named person marries another split named person.  Does their kid end up with four last names?

I have a feeling that College Lacrosse and Soccer Jerseys are going to look pretty strange in the next few years.

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It’s no secret.  White people want to be writers.  Why wouldn’t they? Work 10 hours a week from a country house in Maine or England.  Get called a genius by other white people, and maybe get your book made into a film.

Every single white person harbors this dream.  No matter what they tell you, all of them have at least one chapter of a novel stashed away somewhere.

Being a marginally crafty race, white people will often seek out every possible route to achieving this goal, and one of the most popular methods has been writers workshops.

These are expensive mini go-to-school type vacations.  Where you talk with a published writer (often someone you haven’t heard of, but they have a book on Amazon) who will tell you how they became writers. If there is time, they will listen to you read your stuff and tell that you it’s good but it needs work on a) structure, b) characters, c) dialogue. Then they will collect their check and go back to their country house or studio apartment in New York.

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White people are pretty conflicted about their culture.  On one hand, they are proud of the art, literature, and film produced by white culture.  But at the same time, they are very ashamed of all the bad things in white culture: the KKK, colonialism, slavery, Jim Crow laws, feudalism, and the treatment of native americans.

One way they can make up for it is becoming marginally acquainted with foreign cultures.   It is generally acceptable for a white person to learn a few terms in a language spoken primary by non-whites (such as Chinese, Tagalog or Portuguese).  They can then use these phrases to order certain ‘more authentic’ dishes in restaurants.

White people can also take passing interest in film, politics, music or art from these countries.  When they actually meet someone from that country, or at least who has parents from that country they cannot wait to engage you in all the details that they have learned.

“Have you heard the new Andy Lau CD? It’s awesome!”

It is imperative that you recognize how special and unique this white person is for knowing about your culture.  Acceptable responses include “Wow, I’ve never seen a white person order chicken feet,” or “How did you find about that film? I didn’t think they had dubbed it yet.”

These responses will fill white people with that self satisfaction they need.  Also, they consider a reminder that they are not racist, which also makes them feel terrific.

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#19 Traveling

hostel.jpgWhite person travelling can be broken into two categories – First World and Third World.

First world is Europe and Japan, and man, this travel is not only beloved but absolutely essential in their development as white people.

Every white person takes at least one trip to Europe between the ages of 17-29. During this time they are likely to wear a back pack, stay at a hostel, meet someone from Ireland/Sweden/Italy with whom they have a memorable experience, get drunk, see some old churches and ride a train.

What’s amazing is that all white people have pretty much the same experience, but all of them believe theirs to be the first of its kind. So much so that they return to North America with ideas of writing novels and screenplays about their experience.

Upon returning home, they will also find an affinity for a particular beer or liquor from a country they visited. They use this as an excuse to mention their travels when at a bar. “Oh, I’ll have a Czechznlishiyush Pilsner. You see, that was my favorite beer when I was travelling through Slovenia and the Czech republic.”

The second type of white person travel is Third World. This is when they venture to Thailand, Africa or South America. Some do it so that they can one up the white people who only go to Europe.

But like with Europe, white people like to believe they are the first white people to make this trip. As such, they should be recognized as special and important individuals.

That’s right, by going to a country, riding around on a bus or train, staying at a hotel or hostel and eating – they are doing something important for the world.

If a white person shows up in your country, you can make them feel fantastic by saying how you’ve never seen a white person before, and that you are amazed by their iPod – “a device that plays many songs? impossible!”

They might give it to you, then you can sell it for profit. Repeat as necessary.

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