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Archive for February 5th, 2008

#55 Apologies

White people know that their ancestors did some messed up things.  As a result, it has become hard wired for them to apologize for almost anything.

In fact, white people are so used to apologizing that they start all sentences that might cause disagreement with “I’m sorry.”  For example “I’m sorry, but Garden State was a better film than Hard Eight.”

In other cases, white people will apologize without being asked.

“Excuse me Dylan, you dropped a piece of paper in front of my desk.”

“Oh, sorry about that!”

It’s just that easy! Just point it out and they’ll apologize.

Sometimes if you are out late at night and a white person irritates someone at a night club or a bar, the first thing they will do is apologize in rapid fire mode in hopes it will stop them from getting their ass kicked.  This technique has a surprisingly high success rate, as the aggressor immediately knows that fighting this person will be very easy, with little satisfaction.

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White people are under a lot of pressure to like cooking. Everything in their culture tells them that they need to have a nice kitchen and that they need to cook with organic, fresh ingredients to make delicious, complicated food.

Though any great chef can prepare fantastic meals with a knife and a few pots, white people believe that they need a full cadre of appliances and gadgets in their kitchen in order to live up to the pressure.

If you go into a white person’s kitchen you will find a waffle maker, a rice cooker, a steamer, a food processor, a panini press and a blender. They also have hand powered devices like flour sifters, ravioli crimpers, pizza cutters, potato ricers, and a sushi mat.

But, in order for them to truly enter into whitedom, they need to own the holy grail of white kitchens – the kitchen aid stand mixer (right). They will match this mixer to their kitchen’s color scheme and it will make up the focal point. And much like many religious artifacts, it will remain untouched for months and even years, sitting on the counter to be admired as a testament to their lifestyle.

Kitchen Gadgets also serve as one of the main reasons why white people get married. Look at their registry and you will find gadgets for any possible task in the kitchen. If you end up buying one of these for a white person, your card should make reference to them using a lot to make beautiful food that you hope you can eat one day. This kind of stuff goes over like gang busters.

If you find yourself in a conversation about these things, a good way to say a little but mean a lot is to mention that you “find the consumer models to be poorly built, my friend, a chef, brings me with him to a restaurant supply shop that’s not open to the public. The stuff there is real quality, it’s where I get all of my pans.”

If this is too big of a risk, you should just throw out a combination of these words: “le Creuset, Calphalon, All Clad, Williams Sonoma, and Sur Le Table.” White people go so nuts when they hear these words, you won’t even have to finish your sentence.

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The study of white people is growing quickly. As we move forward, it’s important to recognize the outstanding work being doing by those outside of this blog.

I was preparing to write a post about how white people love “old school” hip hop, and take it very seriously. Or perhaps how they love “conscious” hip hop that so vitally addresses the problems of a community that they don’t belong to. Remember, they aren’t dancing or jogging to this music for fun – it’s for a social cause.

White people often have spiritual moments at concerts by the following artists: Common, Brand Nubian, Tribe Called Quest, and Del Tha Funky Homosapien.

Cats and Beer has kindly put together a fantastic list of the top hip hop songs that white people love.

Highlights taken from Catsandbeer.com

9. Digital Underground – The Humpty Dance

Humpty Hump was rap music’s greatest alter ego and actually a good MC but all White People know (and love) him for is “I like my oatmeal lumpy,” and “Burger King bathroom.”

F*cking White People.

8. Biz Markie – Just A Friend

Oh my god do White People love this song. Particularly frat boys. Why? I don’t know.

Unlike most of his peers on this list, the Biz is a guy long deep in the hip hop scene with lots of cred, yet to White People he’ll only ever be that fat funny-looking black guy with the wig who sings bad.

7. Young MC – Bust A Move

I believe there is a law that requires this song be played at every Rock n’ Bowl.

Like that the police shut down the bowling alley if it doesn’t comply.

6. Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock – It Takes Two

Knowing the words up to “I get stupid, I mean outrageous” is standard and unremarkable.

Knowing everything up through the hook means you’ll be frenching at 80s Night.

Read the full post here.

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