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Archive for February 7th, 2008

#60 Toyota Prius

Over the years, white people have gone through a number of official cars.  In the 1980s it was the Saab and the Volvo.  By the 1990s it was the Volkswagen Jetta or a Subaru 4WD stastion wagon.  But these days, there is only one car for white people.   One car that defines all that they love: the Toyota Prius.

The Prius might be the most perfect white product ever.  It’s expensive, gives the idea that you are helping the environment, and requires no commitment/changes other than money.

The Toyota Prius gets 45 miles per gallon.  That’s right, you can drive 45 miles and burn only one gallon of gasoline.  So somehow, through marketing or perception, the Prius lets people think that driving their car is GOOD for the environment.

It’s a pretty sweet deal for white people.  You can buy a car, continue to drive to work and Barak Obama rallies and feel like you are helping the environment!

Some white people decide to pull the ultimate move.  Prius, Apple Sticker on the back, iPod rocking, and Democratic Candidate bumper sticker. Unstoppable!

There are a few ways you can use this to your advantage.  If you are carpooling to an event or party you can always say “can we take your Prius? my car doesn’t get good mileage and I feel guilty driving it.”  And bam! Free ride!

Also, if you see a white person in a Prius you can say “wow, that’s great to see that you’re doing something for the earth.”  The white person will feel very good about themselves and offer to drive you home, to Ikea, or drop you off at 80s night.

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#59 Natural Medicine

One thing all white people believe is that natural medicine can cure everything.  If you want to test this theory, think about which stores supply the bulk of natural/herbal remedies?  Thats right! Whole Foods and Organic Co-ops!

Because of a rather shady history, white people do not trust the pharmaceutical industry.  Using pretty sound logic, they believe that the drug companies have no motivation to find real cures for things like AIDS since the real profit are in drugs like Viagra and Xanax.

Using their powers of deduction, white people have determined that herbal remedies are unilaterally better than anything produced by a drug company.

Since white people can’t really blame any race for their problems, they need to blame corporations.  In this case, the reason that they are sick or fat or without energy is because the drug companies are in a conspiracy to keep them addicted to placebos.  This helps them shed accountability, and it lets them feel like they are helping the environment by rejecting the polluting, greedy, awful drug companies and taking natural, organic medicine from the earth.

But perhaps it goes deeper.  Hundreds of years ago, another group of people believed firmly in natural medicine and it’s ability to cure disease.  Then white people gave them blankets with small pox and they all died.  So perhaps turning to natural medicine also helps white people feel better about killing natives.

How can you use this for gain?  It’s easy!  When a white person you work with is feeling sick or says they have no energy, ask them to tell you more about their problems.  After pretending to listen for a little while, tell them that in your culture/home country “we cured that using a special herbal powder from [insert made up tree] root.”

Then the next day bring them a small bag of basil or oregano and tell them to boil it in a tea (white people love to believe in magic teas) and see how they feel in the morning.  One of two things will happen.  They will either wake up feeling great because they want to feel great and they’ll thank you profusely.  Or they will wake up feeling like crap, and when you confront them at work, they will lie and say they feel good.

Either way, you did them a favor so now they owe you a favor.

Note: it’s weird that there are some white people who won’t take aspirin, but will take Ecstasy, Cocaine, Xanax and Vicodin.

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#58 Japan

Though there is full white consensus on a number of white things, there is perhaps nothing that draws more universal white acclaim than the island nation of Japan.  It should be noted, that some white people harbor SOME ill will toward Japan because of whaling, killing dolphins or Nanking.  But those are generally considered isolated incidents that do not indict the entire nation.

White people love Japan for a number of reasons.  Sushi is pretty much the biggest one, since white people have spent so much time Sushi restaurants, enjoying the food, learning about how to eat it, and how to be snobby about it.  This natural curiousity fills them with a need to pay a visit to Tsukiji and taste the freshest Sushi possible.

But it goes beyond just food, all white people either have/will/or wished they had taught English in Japan.  It is a dream for them to go over seas and actually live in Japan.  This helps them not only because it fills their need to travel, it will enable them to gain important leverage over other white people at Sushi restaurants where they can say “this place is pretty good, but living in Japan really spoiled me.  I’ve had such a hard time finding a really authentic place.”   

White people also love Japan because of it’s tradition, futuristic cities, films, kawaii stuff, music, and writers.  Many white nerds are into anime, so being too into this can be seen as a negative by white people.  It’s best to have a passing familiarity for things like Hayao Miyazaki who is universally accepted by white people, or if they don’t know who is he, they will look him up and they won’t find weird violent or sexual cartoons.

If you find yourself in an awkward silence with white people, just mention how you want to go to Japan.  They will immediately begin talking about how their trip to Japan, or their favorite stuff from Japan, but it will be entirely about them.  This is useful as you no longer have to talk, and they will like you for letting them talk about themselves.

But like with anime, you have to be careful about how much you like Japan.  If you know how to speak Japanese, you kind of ruin it for everyone else.

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