Archive for June, 2008

Stuff White People Like is being released in book stores today. It’s also available from the following online retailers:


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  • Where should a white person live?
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If you see a white woman and you are trying to figure out whether she is liked or just merely tolerated by white people, the best thing you can do is get a quick look at her haircut. It is a known fact that white people love women who wear their hair with bangs that hang straight down.

A number of very popular white women have worn this hairstyle including Joni Mitchell, Jane Birkin, Jenny Lewis and every girl ever photographed by Vice Magazine or the Cobrasnake. (Note: it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with these two things as they are both beloved by cool white people. Follow up note: these same things are hated by cooler white people).

Many people associate this type of haircut with children and people looking for the most efficient way to get hair out of their eyes. But for white people, this simple haircut makes a bold declaration by saying that the wearer is artistic, deep, and has probably dated a guy in a band you like. Of course, as with many things loved by white people, simple often means expensive and these haircuts usually cost upwards of $100.

It is essential for you to know this haircut is more than a mere fashion statement– it is an important cultural marking. Throughout the world, many cultures feature ceremonies to announce that a girl has become a woman. For white people, the haircut-with-bangs is an important symbol that a female has completed her transformation from a nerdy girl to a cool woman. In fact, if you went to high school with a nerdy white girl who moved to a big city, there is a good chance she will show up to your high school reunion with this haircut.

When you are introduced to a group of white people, it’s a good idea to befriend the girl with the bangs. She’s probably the most popular.

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Coinciding with the release of the Stuff White People Like book on Tuesday, July 1st, Audible, the leading provider of audiobooks and spoken word content on the internet, is releasing an audio version that can be downloaded to iPods and other compatible MP3 players.

To learn more about the digital download version click here.

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Winner #5


By: David Munoz of Panda Force
White people hate math. If you want to befriend white people, mention “that weird Asian calculus teacher who drew perfect circles” and how much you hated his class (bonus points if you mention how your parents made you get an even worse tutor who was more clueless than you and smelled bad). However, white
people are fascinated by “the power of statistics” since the math has already been done for them. Some magazines, like TIME, have a section in each magazine that has some interesting statistics ($80 trillion: the amount spent by the US in the Iraqi war) followed by absurd, barely related ones (4,317 yards: the
distance covered if you were to take all the ammunition shells fired by US soldiers in Iraq since the war started). White people who read TIME will quote these statistics, but even non-TIME reading white people will throw in stats they read in a less-than-credible study. It’s not unusual to hear such things
as “I don’t mind this neighborhood since I’m not Republican. 80% of them are anti-minority, you know” or “I don’t think you should let Sally play softball because 70% of softball players are lesbians”.

White people  love sounding smarter than their peers and will jump at any chance to use a statistic if it’s applicable to the conversation in any way. The more absurd the statistic, the more clever and original you will seem. Stats can also hide negative feelings. If you meet a white person who wishes went to a
school that they refer to as the “Harvard of the (Region where the university they attended is), they may say something like “Good thing I didn’t go to an Ivy since 35% of their graduates reported being unhappy with their lives”. It is considered rude to laugh and you should instead smile or throw in another
appropriate statistic if handy.

The only time you should not use a statistic is to ask a white person if they knew “that (random number) % of statistics aren’t true”. You will be seen as being unoriginal, not funny, and will get stared at.

Disclaimer: 100% of these statistics were made up

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Winner #4

Comparing People to Hitler

By: Isaac “Absent” Amirian
Being a truly advanced white person means being able to speak with authority about pretty much any field of conversation- especially politics. In order for white people to streamline the process of knowing everything, all human beings can be neatly filed into one of two categories: People I Agree With, and People Who are Just Like Adolf Hitler.

Comparing people to Hitler is an easy way for white people to get a strong point across to the less enlightened, or the insufficiently white. Everyone knows who Adolf Hitler was. And everyone knows that Hitler was very, very bad. Therefore, if a white person really, REALLY, doesn’t like something or
someone, he or she may angrily say something to the effect of, “This is exactly the same kind of thing that Hitler used to do!” accompanied by varying levels of profanity based on blood-alcohol content. No matter what your gut reaction may be at that point, do not disagree with that white person. Otherwise, well, you love Hitler.

This time-tested white-person maneuver may seem so awesomely useful to you that you are tempted to go out and try it right now. Not so fast. White people have spent the last 30 years perfecting this technique. There are cultural guidelines.

It’s also critical that you avoid the fatal mistake of getting creative and comparing people you don’t like to other evil dictators, such as Joseph Stalin or Fidel Castro. With few exceptions, white people are actually fond
of almost any dictator not named Hitler, and your remark that “this is just like something Mao Zedong would do” will be met with blank stares and possible social alienation. This is because, with the exception of Hitler,
oppressive dictators share a passion for many of the things white people love- such as universal health care, conspiracy theories, caring about poor people while being filthy rich, and cool hats. Stick to the script and
compare things you don’t like to Hitler, and Hitler alone.

Now, like most reasonable people, you might find this strategy distasteful, and even a bit disrespectful, since after all, Hitler was responsible for the deaths of tens of millions, and probably doesn’t have that much in common with Pat Robertson, in perspective. If you prefer to avoid hearing or using the Hitler technique, we recommend you speak in soothing, affirming tones around angry white people to prevent the phenomenon from manifesting, and change the subject tactfully. To something that doesn’t involve George
W. Bush.

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Winner #3

Being Excessively Early For Events, Classes, Meetings, Work, Parties, Etc

By: Eve A.

White people will frequently show up to various events 15- 35 minutes early for no reason at all. A favorite quote used to explain this phenomenon is “Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable”. What this means and why they live by this quote no one really knows, but it is a mantra that white people frequently recite to themselves every morning, as means or ensuring their timeliness to whatever function, they will be attending. In fact, this timeliness requirement extends to all areas of life, whether they are attending a social function, such as a party, where no one cares if you show up at the exact time it starts or to work, where being on time actually matters.

There is only one exception to this rule, which is when there is a limited supply of something that is deemed ultra-important by the white community, such as concert tickets, computers or other sale electronics, or reality television spots. White people may show up, 8- 24 hours early, instead of the normal 15-35 minutes, for these special cases, even if it means sleeping on the street in middle of winter (which is also referred to as camping) and foregoing “non-essential” things such as showering, brushing your teeth, and even eating.

Note- To gain the full approval of white people, being early is an absolute requirement. By arriving 15 minutes early to a class, one will gain their approval, but to gain their utmost respect and admiration you will need to show up 25 minutes early or more. They will automatically see you as a person who has attained a level of earliness, which can only they strive to achieve! Additionally, you will earn bonus points if you give a look of disapproval to people who are late or inquire about the cause of the tardiness of people who fail to meet this timeliness requirement. This will show you that you are genuinely committed to this super important cause and want to fix this societal ill.

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Winner #2

Appearing Empathetic with Personal Anecdotes of ”Poverty”

By: Kerri Scheer of Peterborough, Ontario.

Most responsible, socially-conscience white people are aware of the need for sympathy towards less fortunate groups.  It is the pleasure, and the perceived duty, of white people to discuss the plights of others with sympathy. An advanced white person, however, recognizes that underlying condescension can pollute sympathy towards the oppressed and disenfranchised. This is because those engaged in a discussion of the issues may have no personal experience between them.  For such advanced white people, appearing empathetic is thought to be far more effective in assuring that one is perceived as socially responsible and aware.  Empathy is obtained by “walking a mile” in the shoes of the socially disadvantaged; for busy white people that have failed to come by this experience naturally, personal anecdotes from one’s past can be tailored to give the impression that a white person possesses this coveted empathy.
The best examples of these empathy-laden personal anecdotes can be observed during a white person’s recollection of their years as an undergraduate student. These anecdotes may recount occasions when the white person “seriously, LIVED on” instant noodles and no name cola for days, weeks or even months – depending upon the amount of conviction that the white person feels that the story needs to achieve the desired degree of perceived empathy.  Other anecdotes may recall the times spent pulling nickels out of sofas and then making the difficult decision to either purchase cheap liquor (to ease the pain of being “seriously, SO broke”) or to do laundry (that had been neglected for, again, days, weeks or even months).  When a white person is spinning empathetic tales, it is taboo for a fellow white person (especially a previous room-mate) to mention the possibility that the storyteller had ventured to his parents’ house for home-cooked meals and free laundry twice a week. It is also in poor taste to mention that Colt 45’s were purchased solely for “novelty drinking nights” spent playing “Edward Forty-Hands”.  It is best to verify the white person’s tales as “profound experiences” rather than superficial elaborations, lest you risk the white person’s ability to project empathy, be offended and claim to know what’s best for poor people.

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The Stuff White People Like contest received over 685 entries! Unfortunately, narrowing that field down to three winners proved to be too difficult and the decision was made to award the prize to five people with each of the winning entries to be posted this week.

Each winner will receive a copy of Stuff White People Like, and the top three entries will receive a DVD of The Onion Movie because they sent in three copies to be given away.

Thank you to every person who submitted an entry, the response was incredible.

Congratulations Mark Huber of Roxbury Crossing, MA for sending in the first winning entry:

Menus with no decimal places

You can always spot the chic white person as they sit in the padded seats of a nice quaint, posh restaurant staring at the menus. When the other person asks, “What are you having tonight, James?” the reply can often be found to be, “I’m having the Lobster Pillows with Crab Demi-Glaze. It’s only 12.″ That’s right, white people have grown to love restaurants with such advanced math calculations as getting rid of those pesky decimals and something that is more aesthetically pleasing to our eyes and pocketbooks.

Menu prices with decimals seem to confuse the white person in recent times, making one wonder, “Where should I round up or down to get an accurate price?!” With the invention of dropping decimals from menus, white people have solved the problem for themselves. Tax? No problem. Jane, who works in auditing, sitting across the table, has long had all applicable taxes calculated for you upon entering through the door.

Most of these restaurants, save McDonald’s, are posh up-scale restaurants with abstract names or hardly even names at all. “M,” “The Lavender Chateau,” and “Rendezvous 387″ are a few of the restaurants white people can count on for easy math, a tasty dinner, and of course, other white people. Don’t forget to look at the tapas menu: those items are only 3! Would you like to upgrade your aged prime-rib to the 12oz. portion? Sure, no problem, it’s only a 4 increase! If decimals were thrown into the mix, it would throw the entire equilibrium out of balance.

Plaza Greens for $5.99, or Plaza Greens for 6? Throw the nines in mix and that’s way too many numbers for any white mind to deal with. Even Jane in auditing would have to break out her financial calculator.

Photo by Prosto Photos

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With over 675 entries, the contest has been a huge success.

Winners to be announced on Monday.

Thank you to everyone who entered.

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The Article:

“Typos a la Carte” by Jane Black.  The Washington Post, June 18th, 2008.

The Problem:

What should you do when you find typos on a restaurant menu?

The Solution:

The presence of an improper apostrophe on a menu can ruin an otherwise delicious meal for a white person.  Jane Black recommends asking for an extra copy of the menu, taking out a pen and marking all of the mistakes.  When you are finished, you should then leave the restaurant with the hope that the chef will see the mistake and correct it before your next visit.  This is considered the best solution since it allows you to use proper grammar while simultaneously avoiding confrontation (#128 in the book).

The other option is to simply recognize that the typos, while egregious, do not prevent actual meaningful communication on these menus.  This would allow you to escape the tag of “elitist,” “pretentious,” or “banned from eating here for the rest of your life.”

Final Verdict:

It is the duty of every white person to correct typos.  It is worth the risk of banishment to deliver proper grammar to those who need it.

Further reading (as they were mentioned in the article):


Contest ends TOMORROW at 12:00 p.m. EST (9:00 a.m. PST) – we have over 400 entries already.

Also there is a new entry on Coldplay at Vanity Fair.

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Stuff White People Like will be released on July 1st, 2008 through Random House. To celebrate, we are holding a long-awaited competition to find the next great expert on the stuff white people like.

The book features:

  • 50% all new, never before seen material

  • Flow charts including, “How to name a white child,” and “Where should a white person live?”
  • A definitive, easy-to-score quiz to determine your exact level of whiteness
  • Much, much more!
  • Available for Pre-order from these book retailers.

How to win a copy

Now is finally your chance to show off your knowledge of white people! Send in an entry of 350 words or less to stuffwhitepeoplelike@gmail.com with the title “SWPL ENTRY” (all caps).

The winner will receive a copy of Stuff White People Like, in their choice of either autographed or mint condition, and will have their fully-credited entry posted to the site.


  • No Duplicate Posts
  • By submitting an entry, you are granting all rights to your submitted material to the operators of Stuff White People Like.
  • Last Day for submissions is Friday, June 20th.
  • Winner will be announced Monday, June 23rd.

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#103 Sweaters

The sweater is an essential part of the white person wardrobe and it is a very good idea to familiarize yourself with all the different types of sweaters that are most popular with white people.

When you approach the subject from the perspective of age, it’s essential that you combine very young and very old white people in the same group. This is because young white people think it is very cool to wear clothes that are popular with senior citizens. The most popular example of this is the cardigan sweater, which is essentially a wool jacket with less buttons. An old white person might combine this sweater with a button down shirt to provide himself or herself with valuable warmth in the winter months, but a young white person will combine it with a t-shirt to create a ‘layered look.’ This not only allows them to show others that their personality features as many layers as their clothes, but it’s a chance to show people that you own not one but two cool items of clothing.

White women will also purchase many small, thin sweaters that they can wear in combination or on top of other clothes. Though you may think it would make more sense to just purchase a thicker sweater, these layers allow them to achieve maximum temperature control (see Scarves for more evidence of this phenomenon).

Moving up in thickness and age, one comes across the ‘ultra thick’ sweater. Though you will find these at Farmer’s Markets and Community Gardens throughout the country, they are most popular in the Pacific Northwest. These are often light brown or almost beige and weigh upwards of 10 pounds. When you a see a white person walk into a bar or coffee shop wearing one of these sweaters, you can tell the weight by how much they are sweating when they take it off.

White people also appreciate the irony of ugly sweaters that usually feature things like reindeer and snowmen. Though it seems unlikely, white people have even been able to turn this into a theme for parties. Typing in “ugly sweater party” into google will return a wealth of images and a dearth of diversity. However, there is one notable exception.

Regardless of the type of sweater, it is also good to be aware of the fact that finding a nice sweater at a thrift shop or goodwill is considered a major event in the life of a white person. Scoring a garment that makes it into the regular rotation for under $10 is a story that white people will tell for up to five years after it happens. Therefore, if you are seeking white friendship it is a good idea to do one of two things: You can either go to dozens of thrift shops in hopes of finding a dream sweater or you can buy a new one, remove the label and make up a story about how you found in a Goodwill in a bad neighborhood that “hadn’t been picked clean by hipsters.”

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‘Black Guy’ livens up Saturday Market” by Kyle Odegard

Corvallis Gazette Times, June 1st, 2008


Corvallis resident Jeff Oliver sets up a booth at a Farmer’s Market to make a comedic and social statement about diversity in the region. Some white people are offended, but need to find a way to show the reporter that they are not racist. If only there was a way that white people could do that in a single sentence…

Best Quote:

Sherry Littlefield of Corvallis said the booth was unnecessary. She and friend Ron Naasko said they have black friends, and would be voting for Barack Obama for president.”

Stuff Referenced

Sent in by Rebecca Drapkin.

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By far, the easiest way to befriend a large group of white people is to organize and then participate in a game that is normally played by children. Unlike the practice of having their parents help with rent, this activity is a pleasant reminder to white people that they have not fully severed their ties with childhood.

When it comes to outdoor games, the most popular one remains kickball. In fact, you might have noticed groups of white people at the park playing this game in loosely organized leagues (see #65 Co-Ed Sports for further explanation). Though kickball is by far the most popular, if you were to suggest a game of capture the flag, Red Rover (pictured), British Bulldog, Tag, or even Hide and Go Seek your popularity would with white people would skyrocket. In addition, you would likely become a legend in your office.

Once the game has actually been organized and you are at the event, things will pretty much just sort themselves out. White people will be so happy to be outside reliving their childhood, that they will all be in a good mood. But if you want to take it to the next level, you should have a friend show up and say to one of the white people: “excuse me, what are you people doing?” The white person will tell them what game they are playing and promptly issue an invitation. To which your friend should say “I’m sorry, I’m an adult. You people are crazy.” It will make the white person feel great and give them a story for years to come

If you do not know enough white people for a large outdoor game or do not have access to adequate space, you are not out of luck. White people are also quite fond of indoor activities, especially ones that can be easily combined with alcohol. Therefore it is a rock-solid guarantee that you will gain white friends if you suggest a social gathering where people drink and play old board games like Candyland, The Game of Life, or Mouse Trap. Just the suggestion of an event like this will get them more excited than word of a new Trader Joe’s opening. (Note the photo evidence of success in this photo from Attus Apparel)

It’s a good idea to space out these events or else you become “that weird guy who always wants to play Fireball Island.”

Photo of game of Red Rover from zacharmstrong

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