Archive for June, 2008

Stuff White People Like is being released in book stores today. It’s also available from the following online retailers:


Barnes and Noble

Book Sense



In Canada:




  • 50% new content, exclusive to the book!
  • The definitive quiz to determine your precise whiteness level
  • How to name a white child
  • Where should a white person live?
  • and much more!

Check out Stuff White People Like on Facebook

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If you see a white woman and you are trying to figure out whether she is liked or just merely tolerated by white people, the best thing you can do is get a quick look at her haircut. It is a known fact that white people love women who wear their hair with bangs that hang straight down.

A number of very popular white women have worn this hairstyle including Joni Mitchell, Jane Birkin, Jenny Lewis and every girl ever photographed by Vice Magazine or the Cobrasnake. (Note: it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with these two things as they are both beloved by cool white people. Follow up note: these same things are hated by cooler white people).

Many people associate this type of haircut with children and people looking for the most efficient way to get hair out of their eyes. But for white people, this simple haircut makes a bold declaration by saying that the wearer is artistic, deep, and has probably dated a guy in a band you like. Of course, as with many things loved by white people, simple often means expensive and these haircuts usually cost upwards of $100.

It is essential for you to know this haircut is more than a mere fashion statement– it is an important cultural marking. Throughout the world, many cultures feature ceremonies to announce that a girl has become a woman. For white people, the haircut-with-bangs is an important symbol that a female has completed her transformation from a nerdy girl to a cool woman. In fact, if you went to high school with a nerdy white girl who moved to a big city, there is a good chance she will show up to your high school reunion with this haircut.

When you are introduced to a group of white people, it’s a good idea to befriend the girl with the bangs. She’s probably the most popular.

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Coinciding with the release of the Stuff White People Like book on Tuesday, July 1st, Audible, the leading provider of audiobooks and spoken word content on the internet, is releasing an audio version that can be downloaded to iPods and other compatible MP3 players.

To learn more about the digital download version click here.

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Winner #5


By: David Munoz of Panda Force
White people hate math. If you want to befriend white people, mention “that weird Asian calculus teacher who drew perfect circles” and how much you hated his class (bonus points if you mention how your parents made you get an even worse tutor who was more clueless than you and smelled bad). However, white
people are fascinated by “the power of statistics” since the math has already been done for them. Some magazines, like TIME, have a section in each magazine that has some interesting statistics ($80 trillion: the amount spent by the US in the Iraqi war) followed by absurd, barely related ones (4,317 yards: the
distance covered if you were to take all the ammunition shells fired by US soldiers in Iraq since the war started). White people who read TIME will quote these statistics, but even non-TIME reading white people will throw in stats they read in a less-than-credible study. It’s not unusual to hear such things
as “I don’t mind this neighborhood since I’m not Republican. 80% of them are anti-minority, you know” or “I don’t think you should let Sally play softball because 70% of softball players are lesbians”.

White people  love sounding smarter than their peers and will jump at any chance to use a statistic if it’s applicable to the conversation in any way. The more absurd the statistic, the more clever and original you will seem. Stats can also hide negative feelings. If you meet a white person who wishes went to a
school that they refer to as the “Harvard of the (Region where the university they attended is), they may say something like “Good thing I didn’t go to an Ivy since 35% of their graduates reported being unhappy with their lives”. It is considered rude to laugh and you should instead smile or throw in another
appropriate statistic if handy.

The only time you should not use a statistic is to ask a white person if they knew “that (random number) % of statistics aren’t true”. You will be seen as being unoriginal, not funny, and will get stared at.

Disclaimer: 100% of these statistics were made up

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Winner #4

Comparing People to Hitler

By: Isaac “Absent” Amirian
Being a truly advanced white person means being able to speak with authority about pretty much any field of conversation- especially politics. In order for white people to streamline the process of knowing everything, all human beings can be neatly filed into one of two categories: People I Agree With, and People Who are Just Like Adolf Hitler.

Comparing people to Hitler is an easy way for white people to get a strong point across to the less enlightened, or the insufficiently white. Everyone knows who Adolf Hitler was. And everyone knows that Hitler was very, very bad. Therefore, if a white person really, REALLY, doesn’t like something or
someone, he or she may angrily say something to the effect of, “This is exactly the same kind of thing that Hitler used to do!” accompanied by varying levels of profanity based on blood-alcohol content. No matter what your gut reaction may be at that point, do not disagree with that white person. Otherwise, well, you love Hitler.

This time-tested white-person maneuver may seem so awesomely useful to you that you are tempted to go out and try it right now. Not so fast. White people have spent the last 30 years perfecting this technique. There are cultural guidelines.

It’s also critical that you avoid the fatal mistake of getting creative and comparing people you don’t like to other evil dictators, such as Joseph Stalin or Fidel Castro. With few exceptions, white people are actually fond
of almost any dictator not named Hitler, and your remark that “this is just like something Mao Zedong would do” will be met with blank stares and possible social alienation. This is because, with the exception of Hitler,
oppressive dictators share a passion for many of the things white people love- such as universal health care, conspiracy theories, caring about poor people while being filthy rich, and cool hats. Stick to the script and
compare things you don’t like to Hitler, and Hitler alone.

Now, like most reasonable people, you might find this strategy distasteful, and even a bit disrespectful, since after all, Hitler was responsible for the deaths of tens of millions, and probably doesn’t have that much in common with Pat Robertson, in perspective. If you prefer to avoid hearing or using the Hitler technique, we recommend you speak in soothing, affirming tones around angry white people to prevent the phenomenon from manifesting, and change the subject tactfully. To something that doesn’t involve George
W. Bush.

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Winner #3

Being Excessively Early For Events, Classes, Meetings, Work, Parties, Etc

By: Eve A.

White people will frequently show up to various events 15- 35 minutes early for no reason at all. A favorite quote used to explain this phenomenon is “Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable”. What this means and why they live by this quote no one really knows, but it is a mantra that white people frequently recite to themselves every morning, as means or ensuring their timeliness to whatever function, they will be attending. In fact, this timeliness requirement extends to all areas of life, whether they are attending a social function, such as a party, where no one cares if you show up at the exact time it starts or to work, where being on time actually matters.

There is only one exception to this rule, which is when there is a limited supply of something that is deemed ultra-important by the white community, such as concert tickets, computers or other sale electronics, or reality television spots. White people may show up, 8- 24 hours early, instead of the normal 15-35 minutes, for these special cases, even if it means sleeping on the street in middle of winter (which is also referred to as camping) and foregoing “non-essential” things such as showering, brushing your teeth, and even eating.

Note- To gain the full approval of white people, being early is an absolute requirement. By arriving 15 minutes early to a class, one will gain their approval, but to gain their utmost respect and admiration you will need to show up 25 minutes early or more. They will automatically see you as a person who has attained a level of earliness, which can only they strive to achieve! Additionally, you will earn bonus points if you give a look of disapproval to people who are late or inquire about the cause of the tardiness of people who fail to meet this timeliness requirement. This will show you that you are genuinely committed to this super important cause and want to fix this societal ill.

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Winner #2

Appearing Empathetic with Personal Anecdotes of ”Poverty”

By: Kerri Scheer of Peterborough, Ontario.

Most responsible, socially-conscience white people are aware of the need for sympathy towards less fortunate groups.  It is the pleasure, and the perceived duty, of white people to discuss the plights of others with sympathy. An advanced white person, however, recognizes that underlying condescension can pollute sympathy towards the oppressed and disenfranchised. This is because those engaged in a discussion of the issues may have no personal experience between them.  For such advanced white people, appearing empathetic is thought to be far more effective in assuring that one is perceived as socially responsible and aware.  Empathy is obtained by “walking a mile” in the shoes of the socially disadvantaged; for busy white people that have failed to come by this experience naturally, personal anecdotes from one’s past can be tailored to give the impression that a white person possesses this coveted empathy.
The best examples of these empathy-laden personal anecdotes can be observed during a white person’s recollection of their years as an undergraduate student. These anecdotes may recount occasions when the white person “seriously, LIVED on” instant noodles and no name cola for days, weeks or even months – depending upon the amount of conviction that the white person feels that the story needs to achieve the desired degree of perceived empathy.  Other anecdotes may recall the times spent pulling nickels out of sofas and then making the difficult decision to either purchase cheap liquor (to ease the pain of being “seriously, SO broke”) or to do laundry (that had been neglected for, again, days, weeks or even months).  When a white person is spinning empathetic tales, it is taboo for a fellow white person (especially a previous room-mate) to mention the possibility that the storyteller had ventured to his parents’ house for home-cooked meals and free laundry twice a week. It is also in poor taste to mention that Colt 45’s were purchased solely for “novelty drinking nights” spent playing “Edward Forty-Hands”.  It is best to verify the white person’s tales as “profound experiences” rather than superficial elaborations, lest you risk the white person’s ability to project empathy, be offended and claim to know what’s best for poor people.

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