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Archive for June, 2008

The Stuff White People Like contest received over 685 entries! Unfortunately, narrowing that field down to three winners proved to be too difficult and the decision was made to award the prize to five people with each of the winning entries to be posted this week.

Each winner will receive a copy of Stuff White People Like, and the top three entries will receive a DVD of The Onion Movie because they sent in three copies to be given away.

Thank you to every person who submitted an entry, the response was incredible.

Congratulations Mark Huber of Roxbury Crossing, MA for sending in the first winning entry:

Menus with no decimal places

You can always spot the chic white person as they sit in the padded seats of a nice quaint, posh restaurant staring at the menus. When the other person asks, “What are you having tonight, James?” the reply can often be found to be, “I’m having the Lobster Pillows with Crab Demi-Glaze. It’s only 12.″ That’s right, white people have grown to love restaurants with such advanced math calculations as getting rid of those pesky decimals and something that is more aesthetically pleasing to our eyes and pocketbooks.

Menu prices with decimals seem to confuse the white person in recent times, making one wonder, “Where should I round up or down to get an accurate price?!” With the invention of dropping decimals from menus, white people have solved the problem for themselves. Tax? No problem. Jane, who works in auditing, sitting across the table, has long had all applicable taxes calculated for you upon entering through the door.

Most of these restaurants, save McDonald’s, are posh up-scale restaurants with abstract names or hardly even names at all. “M,” “The Lavender Chateau,” and “Rendezvous 387″ are a few of the restaurants white people can count on for easy math, a tasty dinner, and of course, other white people. Don’t forget to look at the tapas menu: those items are only 3! Would you like to upgrade your aged prime-rib to the 12oz. portion? Sure, no problem, it’s only a 4 increase! If decimals were thrown into the mix, it would throw the entire equilibrium out of balance.

Plaza Greens for $5.99, or Plaza Greens for 6? Throw the nines in mix and that’s way too many numbers for any white mind to deal with. Even Jane in auditing would have to break out her financial calculator.

Photo by Prosto Photos

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With over 675 entries, the contest has been a huge success.

Winners to be announced on Monday.

Thank you to everyone who entered.

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The Article:

“Typos a la Carte” by Jane Black.  The Washington Post, June 18th, 2008.

The Problem:

What should you do when you find typos on a restaurant menu?

The Solution:

The presence of an improper apostrophe on a menu can ruin an otherwise delicious meal for a white person.  Jane Black recommends asking for an extra copy of the menu, taking out a pen and marking all of the mistakes.  When you are finished, you should then leave the restaurant with the hope that the chef will see the mistake and correct it before your next visit.  This is considered the best solution since it allows you to use proper grammar while simultaneously avoiding confrontation (#128 in the book).

The other option is to simply recognize that the typos, while egregious, do not prevent actual meaningful communication on these menus.  This would allow you to escape the tag of “elitist,” “pretentious,” or “banned from eating here for the rest of your life.”

Final Verdict:

It is the duty of every white person to correct typos.  It is worth the risk of banishment to deliver proper grammar to those who need it.

Further reading (as they were mentioned in the article):

Reminder

Contest ends TOMORROW at 12:00 p.m. EST (9:00 a.m. PST) – we have over 400 entries already.

Also there is a new entry on Coldplay at Vanity Fair.

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Stuff White People Like will be released on July 1st, 2008 through Random House. To celebrate, we are holding a long-awaited competition to find the next great expert on the stuff white people like.

The book features:

  • 50% all new, never before seen material

  • Flow charts including, “How to name a white child,” and “Where should a white person live?”
  • A definitive, easy-to-score quiz to determine your exact level of whiteness
  • Much, much more!
  • Available for Pre-order from these book retailers.

How to win a copy

Now is finally your chance to show off your knowledge of white people! Send in an entry of 350 words or less to stuffwhitepeoplelike@gmail.com with the title “SWPL ENTRY” (all caps).

The winner will receive a copy of Stuff White People Like, in their choice of either autographed or mint condition, and will have their fully-credited entry posted to the site.

Rules

  • No Duplicate Posts
  • By submitting an entry, you are granting all rights to your submitted material to the operators of Stuff White People Like.
  • Last Day for submissions is Friday, June 20th.
  • Winner will be announced Monday, June 23rd.

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#103 Sweaters

The sweater is an essential part of the white person wardrobe and it is a very good idea to familiarize yourself with all the different types of sweaters that are most popular with white people.

When you approach the subject from the perspective of age, it’s essential that you combine very young and very old white people in the same group. This is because young white people think it is very cool to wear clothes that are popular with senior citizens. The most popular example of this is the cardigan sweater, which is essentially a wool jacket with less buttons. An old white person might combine this sweater with a button down shirt to provide himself or herself with valuable warmth in the winter months, but a young white person will combine it with a t-shirt to create a ‘layered look.’ This not only allows them to show others that their personality features as many layers as their clothes, but it’s a chance to show people that you own not one but two cool items of clothing.

White women will also purchase many small, thin sweaters that they can wear in combination or on top of other clothes. Though you may think it would make more sense to just purchase a thicker sweater, these layers allow them to achieve maximum temperature control (see Scarves for more evidence of this phenomenon).

Moving up in thickness and age, one comes across the ‘ultra thick’ sweater. Though you will find these at Farmer’s Markets and Community Gardens throughout the country, they are most popular in the Pacific Northwest. These are often light brown or almost beige and weigh upwards of 10 pounds. When you a see a white person walk into a bar or coffee shop wearing one of these sweaters, you can tell the weight by how much they are sweating when they take it off.

White people also appreciate the irony of ugly sweaters that usually feature things like reindeer and snowmen. Though it seems unlikely, white people have even been able to turn this into a theme for parties. Typing in “ugly sweater party” into google will return a wealth of images and a dearth of diversity. However, there is one notable exception.

Regardless of the type of sweater, it is also good to be aware of the fact that finding a nice sweater at a thrift shop or goodwill is considered a major event in the life of a white person. Scoring a garment that makes it into the regular rotation for under $10 is a story that white people will tell for up to five years after it happens. Therefore, if you are seeking white friendship it is a good idea to do one of two things: You can either go to dozens of thrift shops in hopes of finding a dream sweater or you can buy a new one, remove the label and make up a story about how you found in a Goodwill in a bad neighborhood that “hadn’t been picked clean by hipsters.”

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‘Black Guy’ livens up Saturday Market” by Kyle Odegard

Corvallis Gazette Times, June 1st, 2008

Summary:

Corvallis resident Jeff Oliver sets up a booth at a Farmer’s Market to make a comedic and social statement about diversity in the region. Some white people are offended, but need to find a way to show the reporter that they are not racist. If only there was a way that white people could do that in a single sentence…

Best Quote:

Sherry Littlefield of Corvallis said the booth was unnecessary. She and friend Ron Naasko said they have black friends, and would be voting for Barack Obama for president.”

Stuff Referenced

Sent in by Rebecca Drapkin.

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By far, the easiest way to befriend a large group of white people is to organize and then participate in a game that is normally played by children. Unlike the practice of having their parents help with rent, this activity is a pleasant reminder to white people that they have not fully severed their ties with childhood.

When it comes to outdoor games, the most popular one remains kickball. In fact, you might have noticed groups of white people at the park playing this game in loosely organized leagues (see #65 Co-Ed Sports for further explanation). Though kickball is by far the most popular, if you were to suggest a game of capture the flag, Red Rover (pictured), British Bulldog, Tag, or even Hide and Go Seek your popularity would with white people would skyrocket. In addition, you would likely become a legend in your office.

Once the game has actually been organized and you are at the event, things will pretty much just sort themselves out. White people will be so happy to be outside reliving their childhood, that they will all be in a good mood. But if you want to take it to the next level, you should have a friend show up and say to one of the white people: “excuse me, what are you people doing?” The white person will tell them what game they are playing and promptly issue an invitation. To which your friend should say “I’m sorry, I’m an adult. You people are crazy.” It will make the white person feel great and give them a story for years to come

If you do not know enough white people for a large outdoor game or do not have access to adequate space, you are not out of luck. White people are also quite fond of indoor activities, especially ones that can be easily combined with alcohol. Therefore it is a rock-solid guarantee that you will gain white friends if you suggest a social gathering where people drink and play old board games like Candyland, The Game of Life, or Mouse Trap. Just the suggestion of an event like this will get them more excited than word of a new Trader Joe’s opening. (Note the photo evidence of success in this photo from Attus Apparel)

It’s a good idea to space out these events or else you become “that weird guy who always wants to play Fireball Island.”

Photo of game of Red Rover from zacharmstrong

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