Feeds:
Posts
Comments

#53 Dogs

jondog.jpgA lot of cultures love dogs – be it for entertainment, labor, or other. But white people love dogs on an entirely different level.

It should be understood that in white culture, dogs are considered training for having children. That is to say that any white couple must get a dog before they have kids. This will prepare them for responsibility by having another creature to feed, supervise it’s bathroom activities, and to love. Because of this, white people generally assume that their dog is their favorite child unless otherwise stated.

When actual children are born, the dog is not displaced but rather remains as the most important member of the household. This is because of the fact that white children will eventually hate their parents, but dogs will love anyone who feeds them.

White people generally believe that dogs have human emotions and that they are capable of loving certain TV shows, films, and music. “Buster just loves watching Six Feet Under!” Even though most dogs would enjoy watching Hitler if he were getting attention every time it came on the TV.

They also believe that their dogs share similar tastes in food – “Little Ben Kweller likes the Organic food the best.” Forgetting the fact that dogs enjoy eating their own feces, and pretty much anything that falls onto the floor.

When searching for homes, many white people will require large yards so that their “dog can run around.” If you work in real estate, this can be exploited for large markups when selling to white people.

It is also a proven fact, that dogs are often used by white people to attract members of the opposite sex. Bringing a puppy or dog to a local dog park, will encourage interaction and conversation. Even more so than a Mac Laptop.

If white people are ever talking about their dogs, it is essential that you reassure them that their dogs are absolutely special and unique. That they are being properly cared for, and that treating like children is the only way to care for a pet. Under no circumstance EVER should you say anything that is derogatory towards dogs, critical of spoiling dogs, or that they are not full members of society who deserve the same rights as humans. Doing any of these three things will completely destroy all relationships you might have had with a white person.

#52 Sarah Silverman

White people love to laugh, so it’s no surprise that some of the funniest people in the world are white! But do not believe that white people find all types of humor funny. BET Comicview for example is not considered funny, and white people generally get little to no enjoyment out of the program.

The easiest way to find out if a comedian is approved by white people is to see if they get mentioned on music blogs or have ever given an interview where they talk about how much they love The Magnetic Fields, Of Montreal, or The Shins. But this does not guarantee white acceptance.

If the topic of comedy comes up, the best thing to do is talk about how much you love Sarah Silverman. White people can’t get enough of her!

Her whole shtick is about saying really offensive things! But it’s ok because she’s pretty and has a small voice so it all sounds so cute! Get it? It’s not offensive, because when she says racist or sexist things she knows they are offensive. So it’s ok.

Much as white women will say that John Stewart is their perfect man, it is fully acceptable and encouraged for white men to say that Sarah Silverman is their perfect woman.

Sarah Silverman is also considered an “alternative comic” which essentially means she is universally loved by white people, but not enough so that she can be a movie star.

Other acceptable ‘alternative’ comedians: David Cross, and the Comedians of Comedy (Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, and Zach Galifinakis).

Also acceptable: Any comedian who shares your ethnicity.

WARNING: under no circumstances should you EVER list Dane Cook as your favorite comedian. The wrong kind of white people like him. And mentioning him will cause white people to lose all respect for you.

#51 Living by the water

waterfront.jpgIt is hardly a secret that all white people love being near water. And why wouldn’t they? It has so many of the activities that they love to do: swimming, kayaking, canoeing, sailing, and it’s a perfect place to read next to.

But before we move on, let’s not gloss over that last point. White people love to be near a body of water so they can read a book, while sitting nearby. The process of reading is somehow heightened through the process of doing it near some water. Extreme reading!

But when you think long term, it’s important to realize that all white people either own/wish to own/plan to own/will own some sort of property near a body of water. Rather than say all white people want to live on the ocean, it’s important to break it up and apply it across the regions.

On the west coast, all white people want to live as close to the beach as possible. One look at the demographics for Manhattan Beach, Santa Monica, Hermosa Beach, Newport Beach, and Laguna Beach will reveal this fact through tangible numbers.

On the East Coast, many white people dream of owning ocean front property in New England, where they can make their lives as close as possible to a J. Crew catalog.

And in the landlocked states, the dream of lakefront property is alive and well.

It is also worth noting that often times, white people will purchase second homes near water if they cannot accommodate the dream in their own city. Often times they want to buy within driving distance, but the need for life near water is so great that they will even consider buying in other countries.

To a white person, a view of water from your house is the greatest achievement in life. And you should remember this when discussing your hopes and dreams with white people. It is also important that you choose a water sport (swimming, fishing, kayaking, etc) that you pretend to like. That way, you can talk about how when you move to your waterfront property you can just wake up in the morning and [insert outdoor activity], right from your front door.

Mountain views are also acceptable, but generally seen as a poor substitute.

#50 Irony

White people hate a lot of stuff (white people who vote republican, television, Vin Diesel movies, SUVs, fast food) but every once in a while they turn that hate into sweet irony.

Often times, white people will make a joke about how hard it is to define irony.  It’s not that funny, and back in the 1990s people got all upset at Alanis Morrisette for using the term improperly in her song “Isn’t it Ironic?”

But the reason that white people love irony is that it lets them have some fun and feel better about themselves.

The most horrific recent example is Trucker hats, that shockingly went from mainstream in the 80s to Ironic in the early 2000s back to mainstream, at which point they are no longer rare or unique.  Once something reaches this stage, irony cannot be restored for 10 years.

Other examples would include white people getting together to have a ‘white trash’ night where they would eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, drink Bud Light and watch Larry the Cable Guy or The Marine. Maybe listen to Kid Rock or P.O.D.   These events allow white people to experience things they are supposed to hate, all while feeling better about their own lives, decisions, and cultured tastes.

Occassionally, white people will put an ironic knick knack in their home or apartment such as a “Support our Troops” magnet or a bottle of Mickey’s.

This can be used to your advantage.  If you need to appear cool to white people, you just need to pick something that was popular 10+ years ago and put it in a prominent place at your desk or in your home.  A C+C Music Factory Cassette, or a “2 Legit 2 Quit” t-shirt would both be acceptable examples.

Also, you might find yourself in conversation where you mention that you like something and there is an awkward silence indicating that it is not cool.  In this situation, uou must say “oh yeah, I also like [insert similar things]” and smile, the white people will laugh and all will be well.

#49 Vintage

The love affair between white people and old stuff literally goes back for hundreds of years. In the older days, it was almost exclusively contained within the realm of furniture. While white people still love antiques, they don’t always fit so well with a modern lifestyle and kitchen.

Beginning in their late teens, white people begin an obsession with finding cool vintage clothing at local thrift shops and Goodwills. Making purchases at these locations address a number of white person needs.

First, it allows them to say “oh, this? I got this shirt at Goodwill for $3.” This statement focuses the attention on the shirt, taking attention away from the $350 jeans and $200 shoes. The white person can then retain that precious ‘indie’ cred.

Secondly, it allows a white person to have something that other white people don’t. This is an important consideration when trying to determine the worth and ranking of white people.

As white people get older, and the opportunities to wear a “Pittsburgh Special Olympics ’76” T-shirt diminish, they must move their vintage fetish from clothes to furniture and knick knacks. For a post-30 white person, the mention of a ‘vintage stove’ or ‘vintage card catalog” can send their imaginations racing about how to incorporate it into their current home decor.

By having at least one vintage, unique piece of furniture in a room full of Ikea, white people can still tell themselves that they are unique and cooler than their friends.

When you enter a white person’s home, you should immediately search for anything not made by Ikea, Crate and Barrel or Athropologie. Upon finding such an item, you should ask “where did you get that? It’s really cool.” The white person will then tell you a story about how they acquired it, allowing them to feel cool and giving them a reminder about their fantastic taste.

White people need organic food to survive, and where they purchase this food is as important as what they purchase. In modern white person culture, Whole Foods has replaces churches and cathedrals as the most important and relevant buildings in the community.

There are some regions that do not have Whole Foods, but do have an abundance of white people (college towns), in these situations Whole Foods can be substituted with a local co-op grocery store where you have to pay a membership to shop there.

All of these stores are pretty much the same – lots of vegetables, grain fed free range meat and eggs, and soy everything. They are also characterized by an outrageously large section of vitamins, supplements, and natural oils. There are natural, handmade soaps which give these stores a unique and uniform smell.

Many white people consider shopping at Whole Foods to be a religious experience, allowing them feel good about their consumption. The use of paper bags, biodegradable packaging, and the numerous pamphlets outlining the company’s police on hormones, genetically modified food and energy savings. This is in spite of the fact that Whole Foods is a profit driven-publicly traded corporation that has wisely discovered that making white people feel good about buying stuff is outrageously profitable.

As you walk through Whole Foods/Co-op you will see white people pushing carts buying things like Flaxseed Oil, wine, Tofu versions of meat, and organic kohlrabi. They also provide prepared foods, that single white people often purchase to avoid cooking.

This is important information, as this section of the store is loaded with single white people.

These stores are excellent for bringing children, as there is nothing that they actually want.

“Oh, mommy, look chocolate!”

“No Joshua, that’s carob.”

“I want it.”

“Ok.”

The child will then take a bite and realize that nothing in the store can be trusted.

#47 Arts Degrees

When white people go away to college, they tend to study what are knowns as the Arts.  This includes actual Art, English, History, Classics, and Philosophy.  These can of course be broken down further into Film, Womyn’s Studies (yes the spelling is correct), Communications, Gender Studies, and so forth.  It is important to note that a high percentage of white people also get degrees in Political Science, which is pretty much like arts, and only seems to have the word “science” in it to make white people feel better about themselves.

These degrees enable white people to spend four yeas of their lives reading books, writing papers and feeling great about themselves.  It is a known fact that Arts students firmly believe that they are doing you/society a favor by not getting a job and reading Proust.  They use this to protest for reduced tuition, more money for the arts, and special reduced student rates on things like bus passes.

But what about the white people who study Science, Engineering or Business?  Unless they become doctors, they essentially lose white person status (and can only be regained by working at a non-profit).

So why would white people spend all that time studying and working to get into college if they are just going to read books that they might have read in their free time?  Because white people have it made.  They can take that degree and easily parlay it into a non profit job, an art gallery job, or work in publishing. If the pay is low, no problem, their parents will happily help out with rent until they magically start making six figures or non-magically turn 40.

White people can also take that degree and go to graduate school (future post) and eventually become a professor or adjunct professor where they will still require parental support.

If they are REALLY ambitious and need to make money, they can take that degree and go to Law School.

But the real reason white people need these degrees is so that they can sound smart at parties.  Of course it trickles down to making connections, getting hired, knowing rich people, and so forth.  But ultimately it all begins by saying “reading Henry James was the most rewarding part of undergrad.”

Using this to your advantage can be very difficult as attempts to talk about the books they skimmed while hungover can expose you.  It is best to say that you were a first generation college student and your parents demanded that you study math, chemistry, economics or computer science.  You had to read Joyce on your own.