#4 Assists

When you say the word “assist,” first thing you think about is Steve Nash and Wayne Gretzky. White people love to pass, it’s no secret.

In basketball, it’s kind of a must so that white guys can carve out a niche and guarantee acceptance on a team. Trying to be a white guy who dunks and stuff is like trying to be a white rapper – yeah, there are a few, but you have to work twice as hard for half the results.

One explanation is that white people still feel guilty over slavery, colonialism, and the crusades so passing is a way to make up for it. But more importantly, it makes them feel good to help others.

#3 Film Festivals

ff.jpgWhite people can’t enough of Film Festivals. Especially Sundance, Toronto, and Cannes. The reason why they love them so much can be due to a number of factors.

Fact #1 – 90% of white people have taken a film class at some point in their life.

Fact #2 – White people like feeling smart without doing work – 2 hours in a theater is easier than 10 hours with book.

Fact #3 – If white people aren’t going back packing, they generally like to travel with a specific purpose.

Fact #4 – 75% of white people believe they either have the potential to or will become filmmakers/screenwriters/directors at some point.

Fact #5 – White people hate stuff that is ‘mainstream’ – so they go to film festivals where they see movies that every other person in their demographic wants to see. It’s a pretty sweet way to rebel.

Fact #6 – It is required by white person law, that you publicly declare that foreign cinema is better than Hollywood Cinema, and on par with Indie Film.

Fact #7 – White people earn credibility by being into film from strange countries – “oh you liked Batman? Yeah, I didn’t see it, I’m really into Serbian film now. They had a great retrospective at the Vancouver Festival.”

White people will often say they are “spiritual” but not religious. Which usually means that they will believe any religion that doesn’t involve Jesus.

Popular choices include Buddhism, Hinduism, Kabbalah and, to a lesser extent, Scientology. A few even dip into Islam, but it’s much more rare since you have to give stuff up and actually go to Mosque.

Mostly they are into religion that fits really well into their homes or wardrobe and doesn’t require them to do very much.

#1 Coffee

There is no doubt that white people love coffee. Yes, it’s true that asians like iced coffee and people of all races enjoy it. But I promise you that the first person at your school to drink coffee was a white person. You could kind of tell they didn’t enjoy it, but they did it anyways until they liked it – like cigarettes.

White people all need Starbucks, Second Cup or Coffee Bean. They are also fond of saying “you do NOT want to see me before I get my morning coffee.” White guys will also call it anything but coffee: “rocket fuel,” “java,” “joe,” “black gold,” and so forth. It’s pretty garbage all around.

If you want to go for extra points – white people really love FAIR TRADE coffee, because paying the extra $2 means they are making a difference.