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Among the wrong kind of white people, there are few more hated than the wigger or whitethug. Though it is very acceptable and common for the right kind of white people to dress and act as though they were Japanese, Chinese, or European, it is completely unacceptable for them to act like rappers.

This distaste caused a dilemma for white people who had to show both that they loved hip hop but also that they were aware they were white. The brilliant solution they came up with was to appropriate hip hop words and mannerisms and filter them through a white appropriateness system.

For example, white people find it particularly hilarious to take slang and enunciate every word perfectly.

“Homey, that bernaise sauce you made is wack. Do you know what I am saying? For Real.”

“Well, I used a different type of butter. I switched the style up, so let the haters hate and I’ll watch the deliciousness pile up.”

Since the above exchange involves people who are very aware of their whiteness it is hilarious, but if it were to be said by wiggers, it would be tragic. The difference is subtle but essential.

This is also an excellent way to make white people like you. If you can recite rap lyrics with perfect enunciation, they will always find it funny. As a rule of thumb, the more popular the rapper, the funnier it gets. Best options: 50 Cent, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, or Jay Z. Note: avoid Kanye West as the irony of reciting his lyrics with perfect English is not as great.

In terms of physical actions, there are few things white people enjoy more than throwing up fake gang signs in photos. Again, the same rules apply: if it is done by wiggers it is tragic, if it’s done by the right kind of white people, it’s hilarious. It’s not a good idea to mention how these signs have often resulted in awful, senseless deaths– that will ruin the joke.

In both cases, the actions are done in hopes that a white person will be recognized as “one of the good ones,” who love hip hop, but don’t try to appropriate it in any non-hilarious ways.

In both cases, your best response is to say “did you go to the last Dead Prez/Roots/Mos Def/Twaleb Kwali/Michael Franti concert? It was incredible. I smoked weed and kept this one finger up for almost an hour!”

Though this information has very little use in and of itself, it could be the final piece in the puzzle of cementing your white friendship. At the very least, it is a guaranteed way to help your progress.

photo: goldberg (via flickr)

#106 Facebook

Social Networking sites have been embraced by white people since their inception. Because these sites use profile pages, white people can more efficiently judge friends and future friends on their taste in film, books, music, and inspirational quotes. Advanced level white people, fearful of being judged on their tastes from last week, will often only list one or two ironic things as their favorites. For example under music they would simply list “P.M. Dawn” or under films they would choose only Armageddon. In both cases these ironic answers serve as protective shields from the harsh gaze of other white people.

However, it is important to remember that the “where” is often as important as the “who” when it comes to social networking. As noted in earlier posts, white people are obsessed with being in the right neighborhood and the Internet is no exception.

In the early days, white people joined a social networking service called Friendster where they could connect with old friends and make new ones. Eventually, white people started to notice more and more of their friends on MySpace, so they closed their Friendster accounts and migrated to the new service. It was like living in a neighborhood that was pretty good but kind of far away, so you might have to miss out on a few parties. Needless to say, this was unacceptable.

For a brief period of time, MySpace was the site where everyone kept their profile and managed their friendships. But soon, the service began to attract fake profiles, the wrong kind of white people, and struggling musicians. In real world terms, these three developments would be equivalent to a check cashing store, a TGIFridays, and a housing project. All which strike fear in the hearts of white people.

White people were nervous but had nowhere else to go. Then Facebook came along and offered advanced privacy settings, closed networks, and a clean interface. In respective real world terms, these features are analogous to an apartment or house with a security system/doorman, an alumni dinner, and a homeowners association that protects the aesthetics of the neighborhood.  In spite of these advances, some white people still clung to their old MySpace accounts.  That was until they learned that Facebook started, like so many things beloved by white people, at Harvard.

Within a matter of months, MySpace had gone from a virtual utopia to Digital Detroit, where only minorities and indie bands remain.

If you plan on befriending white people, it is essential that you join them in the digital suburbs and open a Facebook account immediately. It’s also a good idea to make up a story about how someone from high school sent you a friend request and after accepting you discovered that they were fat and unsuccessful. White people love these stories.

In an unrelated note you can join

Stuff White People Like Facebook Group

Stuff White People Like Facebook Application

LOS ANGELES – Tuesday, July 29th, 7:00 PM

Book Soup

8818 Sunset Blvd. (map)
Los Angeles, CA
310. 659.3110

AUSTIN, TX – August 7th, 7:00 p.m.

BookPeople

603 North Lamar Blvd
Austin, Texas
512.472.4288

VICTORIA, BC – August 10th, 2:00 p.m.

Chapters Victoria
1212 Douglas Street,
Victoria, BC

VANCOUVER, BC – August 12, 7:00 P.M.

Chapters/Indigo Robson Square
788 Robson Street, Vancouver, BC

Note: if you are interested in having an event at your book store or have a media request please contact Barbara Fillon at Randomhouse (bfillon@randomhouse.com)

#105 Unpaid Internships

In most of the world when a person works long hours without pay, it is referred to as “slavery” or “forced labor.” For white people this process is referred to as an internship and is considered an essential stage in white development.

The concept of working for little or no money underneath a superior has been around for centuries in the form of apprenticeship programs. Young people eager to learn a trade would spend time working under a master craftsman to learn a skill that would eventually lead to an increase in material wealth.

Using this logic you would assume that the most sought after internships would be in areas that lead to the greatest financial reward. Young White people, however, prefer internships that put them on the path for careers that will generally result in a DECREASE of the material wealth accumulated by their parents.

For example, if you were to present a white 19 year old with the choice of spending the summer earning $15 an hour as a plumbers apprentice or making $0 answering phones at Production Company, they will always choose the latter. In fact, the only way to get the white person to choose the plumbing option would be to convince them that it was leading towards an end-of-summer pipe art installation.

White people view the internship as their foot into the door to such high-profile low-paying career fields as journalism, film, politics, art, non-profits, and anything associated with a museum. Any white person who takes an internship outside of these industries is either the wrong type of white person or a law student. There are no exceptions.

If all goes according to plan, an internship will end with an offer of a job that pays $24,000 per year and will consist entirely of the same tasks they were recently doing for free. In fact, the transition to full time status results in the addition of only one new responsibility: feeling superior to the new interns.

When all is said and done, the internship process serves the white community in many ways. First, it helps to train the next generation of freelance writers, museum curators, and directors assistants. But more importantly, internships teach white children how to complain about being poor.

So when a white person tells you about their unpaid internship at the New Yorker, its not a good idea to point out how the cost of rent and food will essentially mean that they are PAYING their employer for the right to make photocopies. Instead its best to say: you earned it. They will not get the joke.

http://apps.facebook.com/stuffwhitepeoplelike/results.php

After a successful beta run, the Stuff White People Like Facebook application is now live.

Though the book contains the definitive and authoritative quiz to determine whiteness, this Facebook application contains an all new set of questions and the ability to see the whitest users and networks on the popular social networking site.

Currently, the whitest networks on Facebook are:

1. Mayo Clinic College of Medicine
2. Vancouver, BC
3. Gonzaga
4. Wittenberg
5. Oklahoma
6. Stevenson High School
7. Bridgeport / Stamford, CT
8. VCU
9. Swarthmore
10. Oklahoma City, OK
11. Boulder, CO
12. Tucson, AZ
13. London, ON
14. Grandview Heights High School
15. NYU

BOSTON – Thursday, July 10, 7:00pm

Harvard Book Store

1256 Massachusetts Ave. (Map)
Cambridge, MA 02138

SEATTLE – Tuesday July 15th, 6/8 p.m.

http://www.onepot.org

In tribute to this scaldingly fun satire of many of us, we are throwing a dinner, along with One Pot at The Hideout on Tuesday, July 15.  Dinner is at 6pm and cost is $60/person, which includes a copy of the book, STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE: The Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions.  You MUST call or email the Book Events office to RSVP, (206) 632-2419 or info@kimricketts.com (tickets are limited).

But there is good news for the people who don’t get one of the coveted seats at dinner…

The party, celebration, book signing, and shindig will continue into the evening…and anyone can show up after 8pm.  Free to get in, no host bar, and books will be for sale. Let the good times roll!

The Hideout

1005 Boren Avenue (Map)
just north of Madison on First Hill.
Seattle, WA

WASHINGTON, DC – Wednesday, July 23, 7.00 PM

Politics and Prose

5015 Connecticut Ave. NW (Map)
Washington, DC
202.364.1919

CHICAGO – Friday, July 25, 7.00 PM

Book Cellar

4736-38 N. Lincoln Ave. (Map)
Chicago, IL
773.293.2665

LOS ANGELES – Tuesday, July 29th, 7:00 PM

Book Soup

8818 Sunset Blvd. (map)
Los Angeles, CA
310. 659.3110

Note: if you are interested in having an event at your book store or have a media request please contact Barbara Fillon at Randomhouse (bfillon@randomhouse.com)

Stuff White People Like is being released in book stores today. It’s also available from the following online retailers:

Amazon

Barnes and Noble

Book Sense

Borders

Powell’s

In Canada:

Indigo/Chapters

Amazon.ca

Features:

  • 50% new content, exclusive to the book!
  • The definitive quiz to determine your precise whiteness level
  • How to name a white child
  • Where should a white person live?
  • and much more!

Check out Stuff White People Like on Facebook

Become a fan

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Stuff-White-People-Like/15412733774

Join the group

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=21454015421

#104 Girls with Bangs

If you see a white woman and you are trying to figure out whether she is liked or just merely tolerated by white people, the best thing you can do is get a quick look at her haircut. It is a known fact that white people love women who wear their hair with bangs that hang straight down.

A number of very popular white women have worn this hairstyle including Joni Mitchell, Jane Birkin, Jenny Lewis and every girl ever photographed by Vice Magazine or the Cobrasnake. (Note: it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with these two things as they are both beloved by cool white people. Follow up note: these same things are hated by cooler white people).

Many people associate this type of haircut with children and people looking for the most efficient way to get hair out of their eyes. But for white people, this simple haircut makes a bold declaration by saying that the wearer is artistic, deep, and has probably dated a guy in a band you like. Of course, as with many things loved by white people, simple often means expensive and these haircuts usually cost upwards of $100.

It is essential for you to know this haircut is more than a mere fashion statement– it is an important cultural marking. Throughout the world, many cultures feature ceremonies to announce that a girl has become a woman. For white people, the haircut-with-bangs is an important symbol that a female has completed her transformation from a nerdy girl to a cool woman. In fact, if you went to high school with a nerdy white girl who moved to a big city, there is a good chance she will show up to your high school reunion with this haircut.

When you are introduced to a group of white people, it’s a good idea to befriend the girl with the bangs. She’s probably the most popular.

Coinciding with the release of the Stuff White People Like book on Tuesday, July 1st, Audible, the leading provider of audiobooks and spoken word content on the internet, is releasing an audio version that can be downloaded to iPods and other compatible MP3 players.

To learn more about the digital download version click here.

Winner #5

Statistics

By: David Munoz of Panda Force
White people hate math. If you want to befriend white people, mention “that weird Asian calculus teacher who drew perfect circles” and how much you hated his class (bonus points if you mention how your parents made you get an even worse tutor who was more clueless than you and smelled bad). However, white
people are fascinated by “the power of statistics” since the math has already been done for them. Some magazines, like TIME, have a section in each magazine that has some interesting statistics ($80 trillion: the amount spent by the US in the Iraqi war) followed by absurd, barely related ones (4,317 yards: the
distance covered if you were to take all the ammunition shells fired by US soldiers in Iraq since the war started). White people who read TIME will quote these statistics, but even non-TIME reading white people will throw in stats they read in a less-than-credible study. It’s not unusual to hear such things
as “I don’t mind this neighborhood since I’m not Republican. 80% of them are anti-minority, you know” or “I don’t think you should let Sally play softball because 70% of softball players are lesbians”.

White people  love sounding smarter than their peers and will jump at any chance to use a statistic if it’s applicable to the conversation in any way. The more absurd the statistic, the more clever and original you will seem. Stats can also hide negative feelings. If you meet a white person who wishes went to a
school that they refer to as the “Harvard of the (Region where the university they attended is), they may say something like “Good thing I didn’t go to an Ivy since 35% of their graduates reported being unhappy with their lives”. It is considered rude to laugh and you should instead smile or throw in another
appropriate statistic if handy.

The only time you should not use a statistic is to ask a white person if they knew “that (random number) % of statistics aren’t true”. You will be seen as being unoriginal, not funny, and will get stared at.

Disclaimer: 100% of these statistics were made up

Winner #4

Comparing People to Hitler

By: Isaac “Absent” Amirian
Being a truly advanced white person means being able to speak with authority about pretty much any field of conversation- especially politics. In order for white people to streamline the process of knowing everything, all human beings can be neatly filed into one of two categories: People I Agree With, and People Who are Just Like Adolf Hitler.

Comparing people to Hitler is an easy way for white people to get a strong point across to the less enlightened, or the insufficiently white. Everyone knows who Adolf Hitler was. And everyone knows that Hitler was very, very bad. Therefore, if a white person really, REALLY, doesn’t like something or
someone, he or she may angrily say something to the effect of, “This is exactly the same kind of thing that Hitler used to do!” accompanied by varying levels of profanity based on blood-alcohol content. No matter what your gut reaction may be at that point, do not disagree with that white person. Otherwise, well, you love Hitler.

This time-tested white-person maneuver may seem so awesomely useful to you that you are tempted to go out and try it right now. Not so fast. White people have spent the last 30 years perfecting this technique. There are cultural guidelines.

It’s also critical that you avoid the fatal mistake of getting creative and comparing people you don’t like to other evil dictators, such as Joseph Stalin or Fidel Castro. With few exceptions, white people are actually fond
of almost any dictator not named Hitler, and your remark that “this is just like something Mao Zedong would do” will be met with blank stares and possible social alienation. This is because, with the exception of Hitler,
oppressive dictators share a passion for many of the things white people love- such as universal health care, conspiracy theories, caring about poor people while being filthy rich, and cool hats. Stick to the script and
compare things you don’t like to Hitler, and Hitler alone.

Now, like most reasonable people, you might find this strategy distasteful, and even a bit disrespectful, since after all, Hitler was responsible for the deaths of tens of millions, and probably doesn’t have that much in common with Pat Robertson, in perspective. If you prefer to avoid hearing or using the Hitler technique, we recommend you speak in soothing, affirming tones around angry white people to prevent the phenomenon from manifesting, and change the subject tactfully. To something that doesn’t involve George
W. Bush.

Winner #3

Being Excessively Early For Events, Classes, Meetings, Work, Parties, Etc

By: Eve A.

White people will frequently show up to various events 15- 35 minutes early for no reason at all. A favorite quote used to explain this phenomenon is “Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable”. What this means and why they live by this quote no one really knows, but it is a mantra that white people frequently recite to themselves every morning, as means or ensuring their timeliness to whatever function, they will be attending. In fact, this timeliness requirement extends to all areas of life, whether they are attending a social function, such as a party, where no one cares if you show up at the exact time it starts or to work, where being on time actually matters.

There is only one exception to this rule, which is when there is a limited supply of something that is deemed ultra-important by the white community, such as concert tickets, computers or other sale electronics, or reality television spots. White people may show up, 8- 24 hours early, instead of the normal 15-35 minutes, for these special cases, even if it means sleeping on the street in middle of winter (which is also referred to as camping) and foregoing “non-essential” things such as showering, brushing your teeth, and even eating.

Note- To gain the full approval of white people, being early is an absolute requirement. By arriving 15 minutes early to a class, one will gain their approval, but to gain their utmost respect and admiration you will need to show up 25 minutes early or more. They will automatically see you as a person who has attained a level of earliness, which can only they strive to achieve! Additionally, you will earn bonus points if you give a look of disapproval to people who are late or inquire about the cause of the tardiness of people who fail to meet this timeliness requirement. This will show you that you are genuinely committed to this super important cause and want to fix this societal ill.

Winner #2

Appearing Empathetic with Personal Anecdotes of ”Poverty”

By: Kerri Scheer of Peterborough, Ontario.

Most responsible, socially-conscience white people are aware of the need for sympathy towards less fortunate groups.  It is the pleasure, and the perceived duty, of white people to discuss the plights of others with sympathy. An advanced white person, however, recognizes that underlying condescension can pollute sympathy towards the oppressed and disenfranchised. This is because those engaged in a discussion of the issues may have no personal experience between them.  For such advanced white people, appearing empathetic is thought to be far more effective in assuring that one is perceived as socially responsible and aware.  Empathy is obtained by “walking a mile” in the shoes of the socially disadvantaged; for busy white people that have failed to come by this experience naturally, personal anecdotes from one’s past can be tailored to give the impression that a white person possesses this coveted empathy.
The best examples of these empathy-laden personal anecdotes can be observed during a white person’s recollection of their years as an undergraduate student. These anecdotes may recount occasions when the white person “seriously, LIVED on” instant noodles and no name cola for days, weeks or even months – depending upon the amount of conviction that the white person feels that the story needs to achieve the desired degree of perceived empathy.  Other anecdotes may recall the times spent pulling nickels out of sofas and then making the difficult decision to either purchase cheap liquor (to ease the pain of being “seriously, SO broke”) or to do laundry (that had been neglected for, again, days, weeks or even months).  When a white person is spinning empathetic tales, it is taboo for a fellow white person (especially a previous room-mate) to mention the possibility that the storyteller had ventured to his parents’ house for home-cooked meals and free laundry twice a week. It is also in poor taste to mention that Colt 45’s were purchased solely for “novelty drinking nights” spent playing “Edward Forty-Hands”.  It is best to verify the white person’s tales as “profound experiences” rather than superficial elaborations, lest you risk the white person’s ability to project empathy, be offended and claim to know what’s best for poor people.

The Stuff White People Like contest received over 685 entries! Unfortunately, narrowing that field down to three winners proved to be too difficult and the decision was made to award the prize to five people with each of the winning entries to be posted this week.

Each winner will receive a copy of Stuff White People Like, and the top three entries will receive a DVD of The Onion Movie because they sent in three copies to be given away.

Thank you to every person who submitted an entry, the response was incredible.

Congratulations Mark Huber of Roxbury Crossing, MA for sending in the first winning entry:

Menus with no decimal places

You can always spot the chic white person as they sit in the padded seats of a nice quaint, posh restaurant staring at the menus. When the other person asks, “What are you having tonight, James?” the reply can often be found to be, “I’m having the Lobster Pillows with Crab Demi-Glaze. It’s only 12.″ That’s right, white people have grown to love restaurants with such advanced math calculations as getting rid of those pesky decimals and something that is more aesthetically pleasing to our eyes and pocketbooks.

Menu prices with decimals seem to confuse the white person in recent times, making one wonder, “Where should I round up or down to get an accurate price?!” With the invention of dropping decimals from menus, white people have solved the problem for themselves. Tax? No problem. Jane, who works in auditing, sitting across the table, has long had all applicable taxes calculated for you upon entering through the door.

Most of these restaurants, save McDonald’s, are posh up-scale restaurants with abstract names or hardly even names at all. “M,” “The Lavender Chateau,” and “Rendezvous 387″ are a few of the restaurants white people can count on for easy math, a tasty dinner, and of course, other white people. Don’t forget to look at the tapas menu: those items are only 3! Would you like to upgrade your aged prime-rib to the 12oz. portion? Sure, no problem, it’s only a 4 increase! If decimals were thrown into the mix, it would throw the entire equilibrium out of balance.

Plaza Greens for $5.99, or Plaza Greens for 6? Throw the nines in mix and that’s way too many numbers for any white mind to deal with. Even Jane in auditing would have to break out her financial calculator.

Photo by Prosto Photos

With over 675 entries, the contest has been a huge success.

Winners to be announced on Monday.

Thank you to everyone who entered.