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#95 Rugby

If you’ve been in a white person’s apartment or home you might have noticed a ball that looks like a cross between an egg and a football. It is a Rugby ball and it is an important sport for white people.

They love Rugby for a number of reasons, the first of which is the fact that it is not very popular in North America. In fact, it is even less popular than soccer which gives a white person that all important edge in the contest to see who likes the most obscure sport. Though this is important, it is not the real reason why white people love the sport so much.

Rugby’s greatest appeal lies in its uniforms.

Unlike other sports where jerseys are made out of nylon or mesh, Rugby jerseys are like thick sweatshirts with collars! In fact there is no other jersey on earth that can move so seamlessly from the playing field to the farmers market

Many white people first acquire a love of rugby during their high school and college years by playing either for a school team or in the case of highly advanced white people-part of an intramural league. In fact, many white people will continue to play the sport into their early 30s at local parks on Saturday morning. If you are looking to expand your group of white friends, you would be wise to get yourself invited to one of these games. However, you should be prepared to have your crotch grabbed.

Though playing the sport is the most common way for white people to become interested in Rugby, a great number of them pick up a taste for the game while studying abroad in Australia or New Zealand. Like soccer, they are given the chance to purchase a scarf of their adopted team, but more importantly they can acquire a Rugby jersey. Unlike a soccer scarf, they can wear this garment all year long which provides for a more reliable trinket that can be used to initiate conversations about their time down under. For extra credit, some white people will declare that they are into Australian Rules Football and not Rugby. If you wish to friend this person, it’s best to ask them about the differences in rules because they will be thrilled to tell you.

Aside from playing the game with white people, there is one other surefire way to use rugby for your own personal gain. If you have determined that the white person you are talking to prefers rugby over soccer, it is strongly advised that you say: “you know, American Football players might be bigger, but rugby players are so much tougher.” Their response will be to tell you about how Football players are weak because they wear pads. This will be followed by a knowing nod or wink in your direction and an invitation to join them for a game on the weekend.

“It’s Not you, it’s Your Books”
by Rachel Donadio
The New York Times, March 30th, 2008

“We’ve all been there. Or some of us have. Anyone who cares about books has at some point confronted the Pushkin problem: when a missed — or misguided — literary reference makes it chillingly clear that a romance is going nowhere fast. At least since Dante’s Paolo and Francesca fell in love over tales of Lancelot, literary taste has been a good shorthand for gauging compatibility.”

Stuff White People Like examines the issue: Can you date someone who is not well read?

Yes:

Dating someone who is not as well read as you is a good idea since these type of people are more easily manipulated in terms of both actions and future tastes in books. The ability to entirely craft the literary tastes of your partner is highly desirable as it reinforces your own impeccable taste and allows you to play a literary version of Henry Higgins

No:

In social situations there is a good chance that an poorly read person will admit to not having read Nabokov beyond Lolita or that they are unfamiliar with Umberto Eco’s essays on reading. Of course, there is the off-chance that they might commit intellectual and social suicide by asking your friends if they “loved The Da Vinci Code as much I did?” This is extremely embarrassing and reflects poorly on them. Ultimately, their actions are more of a statement about you and your inability to date someone of adequate literary experience.

Final Call:

It is recommended that you date and then subsequently dump someone who is considered “poorly read,” simply for the story. It will show your commitment to the importance of books and reading. But beyond that singular experience it is unacceptable to seriously date anyone who has not read the right books.

Thanks to Jake Adler for sending the article.

#94 Free Healthcare

pct_afterarrive_page04.jpgIn spite of having access to the best health insurance and fanciest hospitals, white people are passionate about the idea of socialized medicine. So much so that they have memorized statistics and examples of how for-profit medicine has destroyed the United States.

But before you can exploit this information for personal gain, it’s important that you understand why white people are so in love with free health care.

The first and most obvious reason is “they have it Europe.” White people love all things European, this especially true of things that are unavailable in the United States (Rare Beers, Absinthe, legal marijuana, prostitution, soccer). The fact that it’s available in Canada isn’t really that impressive, but it does contribute to their willingness to threaten to move there.

These desires were only heightened in 2007 when Michael Moore released “Sicko,” a documentary that contrasts the health care industry in the United States with that of Canada, France and Cuba. As a general rule of thumb, white people are always extra passionate about issues that have been the subject of a Moore documentary. As a test, ask them about 9/11, Gun Control, or Health Care and then say “where did you get that information?” You will not be surprised at the results.

But the secret reason why all white people love socialized medicine is that they all love the idea of receiving health care without having a full-time job. This would allow them to work as a freelance designer/consultant/copywriter/photographer/blogger, open their own bookstore, stay at home with their kids, or be a part of an Internet start-up without having to worry about a benefits package. Though many of them would never follow this path, they appreciate having the option.

If you need to impress a white person, merely mention how you got hurt on a recent trip Canada/England/Sweden and though you were a foreigner you received excellent and free health care. They will be very impressed and likely tell you about how powerful drug and health care lobbies are destroying everything.

Though their passion for national health care runs deep, it is important to remember that white people are most in favor of it when they are healthy. They love the idea of everyone have equal access to the resources that will keep them alive, that is until they have to wait in line for an MRI.

This is very similar to the way that white people express their support for public schools when they don’t have children.

Sisters in Idiosyncrasy

By: Noam Cohen

The New York Times, March 30, 2008

Stuff Mentioned (16, a new record!)

Implied Stuff

Literally everything else.

Stuff Mentioned that will become future posts:

  • Facebook
  • McSweeneys

Thanks to Kristin for being the first of many to send this in.  She would like everyone to check out http://www.storyofstuff.com/

MINNEAPOLIS, MN (PR Newswire) – The Target Corporation (TGT) has purchased the popular blog “Stuff White People Like” (https://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com).

Starting April 1st, 2008 the nation’s second largest retailer will use the site as a promotional tool.

“We are thrilled at the opportunity,” says Ennis Blentic, Senior VP of Marketing at Target. “It’s a great chance for us to connect with some of our most valued customers and let them know about our great product line for 2008 and beyond.”

The company plans to have the regular writers do one post per week with the rest of the week devoted to posts that inform and educate customers about Target products.

The first campaign to be featured on the site will be for Target’s new line of Fresh Organic foods called “Tanner Farms.”

The brand new product line promises to deliver top quality organic vegetables, fruit, meat, organic cereal, chocolate, bread, and pasta to every Target store throughout the United States.

“We feel as though our customers would be better served if we offered a full organic grocery option in all of our locations,” says Blentic. “We can’t think of a better way to promote than through this amazing viral blog. We are also hoping to add user generated content where people can send stories, videos, and art about how they use Target organic foods in their daily lives.”

Blog founders Christian Lander and Myles Valentin will be retained as consultants.

“I’m really happy to be working with Target,” says Lander. “I think this is a great partnership and a true step forward in the future of advertising.”

“White people love Target!” joked Valentin. “But in all seriousness, we could not have selected a better corporate partner. I think Target’s new organic line will really change the way that people eat and shop.”

Regular readers of the site will be offered free shipping on their next order at Target.com with the code “STUFFWHITEPEOPLELIKE.”

About Target

Minneapolis-based Target serves guests at 1,613 stores in 47 states nationwide by delivering today’s best retail trends at affordable prices. Target is committed to providing guests with great design through innovative products, in-store experiences and community partnerships. Whether visiting a Target store or shopping online at Target.com, guests enjoy a fun and convenient shopping experience with access to thousands of unique and highly differentiated items.

Update: White People enjoy April Fools 

#93 Music Piracy

j0430549.jpgWhite people have always been renowned for having ridiculously large music collections. So when file sharing gave white people a chance to acquire all the music they ever wanted, it felt as though it was an earned right and not a privilege.

When (not if) you see a white male with a full iPod, ask him if all of his music is legal. If he does not immediately launch into a diatribe about his right to pirate music, you might have to nudge him a bit by saying “do you think that’s right?” The response will be immediate and uniform.

He will likely rattle off statistics about how most musicians don’t make any money from albums, it all comes from touring and merchandise. So by attending shows, he is able to support the musicians while simultaneously striking a blow against multinational corporations. He will proceed to walk you through the process of how record labels are set up to reward the corporation and fundamentally rob the artist of their rights, royalties and creativity. Prepare to hear the name Steve Albini a lot.

Advanced white people will also talk about how their constant downloading of music makes them an expert who can properly recommend bands to friends and co-workers, thus increasing revenues and exposure. So in fact, their “illegal” activities are the new lifeblood of the industry.

When they have finished talking, you must choose your next words wisely. It is considered rude to point out the simple fact that they are still getting music for free. Instead you should say: “Wow, I never thought of it like that. You know a lot about the music industry. What bands are you listening to right now? Who is good?”

This sentence serves two functions: it helps to reassure the white person that they are your local “music expert,” something they prize. Also, it lets them feel as though they have convinced you that their activities are part of a greater social cause and not simple piracy.

If you bring up this issue with white person who says “nah bro, I don’t give a shit, Dave Matthews has enough money as it is.” You are likely dealing with wrong kind of white person.

In the even more rare situation where someone says “it’s all paid for, and it’s all transferred from vinyl.” You have found an expert level white person and must treat the situation carefully. high.jpg

Because of the availability of music online, a very strict social hierarchy has been created within white culture whereby someone with a large MP3 collection is considered “normal,” a large CD collection is considered to be “better,” and a person with a large vinyl collection is recognized as “elite.”

These elite white people abhor the fact that music piracy has made their B-sides, live performances, and bootlegs available to the masses. Their entire life’s work has been stripped of its rarity in terms of both object and sound on the record. The best thing you can say to them is: “vinyl still sounds better.”

However, it is recommended that you do not let this conversation drag much longer. If you let them continue talking to you they are likely to spend hours talking to you about bands you’ve never heard of and providing you with a weekly mix CD of rarities that you do not want.

Can Sips at Home Prevent Binges?

By: Eric Asimov

The New York Times, March 26, 2008

“It usually doesn’t take. Most of the time kids — teenagers, anyway — would as soon snicker at their old man’s obsessions as indulge him. Even so, I can’t help hoping that my sons might share my taste in music and food, books and movies, ball teams and politics. Why should wine be any different?”

Stuff White People Like examines the issue: Should white children be allowed to drink wine?

Yes:

White people need to learn about wine as soon as possible. Not learning until college puts them at an inherent disadvantage to Europeans and white children raised abroad. It is strongly recommended that children learn about wine regions, vintages, terroir, and tannins in elementary school to give them that all important leg up when they reach college.

Being able to declare “my favorite wine as a child” in a conversation is recognized as more impressive than stories about extended visits to wine regions. In fact, it can only be topped by a story about opening your own vineyard.

No:

White people also enjoy binge drinking.

Final Call:

White children should drink wine. They should not be allowed to drink beer or other “party” liquors.

#92 Book Deals

The combination of white people and books has been a pretty solid combo for the past few hundred years. So whenever a white person is given a chance to write a book, it’s considered a pretty big deal. This is especially true when it happens to someone who started a blog that they never expected to reach more than 100 people.

Our research has slowed in recent weeks as we worked out the details, but Stuff White People Like are proud to announce that our textbook on white people is becoming a reality.

http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780812979916

The book will feature 2/3 all new content and is going to be released by Random House in August.

But that does not mean that the site will stop examining the stuff that white people like.

If you’d like to receive updates about the site or about the book, please sign up for the email subscription service on the right sidebar.

Also worth noting: white people like having their dreams come true when they least expected it. Thank you to every single person who has read the blog, written in, or shared it with their friends via email, IM, or personal blog. 
                                                                                                              – Christian

The risk for iPhone users: They know too much

By Michelle Quinn
The Los Angeles, Times, March 22, 2008

Stuff Mentioned:

  1. Sushi
  2. Apple Products
  3. Whole Foods
  4. Microbreweries (implied)
  5. Living by the Water

Also the greatest passage in history:

“Wil Shipley, a Seattle software developer, uses his iPhone at the Whole Foods fish counter to check websites for updates on which seafood is the most environmentally correct to purchase. He quizzes the staff on where and how a fish was caught. Because he carries the Internet with him, “I can be super-picky,” he said.”

Sent in by Stephen, an English grad student living in Florida, who likes the British site BeThinking.

If you have a White People in the News story that you’d like in, please send it along to stuffwhitepeoplelike@gmail.com, if you send in one we use on the site, we’ll give you a shout out and put up the link of your choice.

White Spots – Paris

This is a new feature where we try to find the locations around the world that are beloved and frequented by white people.

flea11.jpg

This new feature examines the all of the places or “spots” around the world where white people like to be and be seen. It can provide valuable information about locations in your city or the cities you plan to visit where you can observe, meet, and learn valuable information about white people.

The Place:
Les Puces de Paris Saint Ouen a.k.a The Paris Flea Markets

Location:
rue des Rosier and surrounding (map)
Saint Ouen, France 93400

Reasons Why White People Like It:
The Paris flea market contains many authentic treasures from Europe’s past, including furniture, art, and various knickknacks. Though many white people could acquire these products through the internet, by purchasing it at the Paris flea market they are able to tell their friends “Oh, I found that at the Paris flea market. Have you been? It’s life changing, I swear I wish I could move to Paris.”
It is considered good form to ask them more questions about their item. Once they say a word in French such as “magnifique” or “quelle chance!” the conversation topic has run its course, and they will like you for not correcting their pronunciation.
Stuff White People Like About it:
  1. being outdoors
  2. traveling
  3. vintage
  4. architecture.
Proper Things to Say about It:
“I think one of the greatest regrets of my life is that I was at the Paris flea market and there was this beautiful table/chair/painting/cup/sword, and I thought that I would find another one like it back home. Well, ten years later and I still haven’t found it. Quel Dommage.”

Sent in by Kay Elliott who likes dogs and would like you visit this site: : http://stoppuppymills.org/

If there is a “white spot” in your town and you’d like to share it with the world, or just ruin it by having more white people go there. Please send an email with the name, location, reason why white people like it, a proper thing to say about it and a photo. Put “White Spots – <your city name>” as the title. If selected, we will put up a a shout out and a link to the site of your choice.

#91 San Francisco

sanfran.jpgSan Francisco is one of the top US destinations for white people in terms of both travel and living. It is universally agreeable and is a safe discussion topic for any situation.

The city is considered one of the world’s premiere locations for white person research.

White people like to vacation in San Francisco because it has beautiful architecture, fantastic food, and it is near the water. They like to live in San Francisco because of its abundance of Non Profit Organizations, Expensive Sandwiches, Wine, political outlook, and most importantly its diversity.

Since many white people either live in, plan to move to, or closely identify with San Francisco it is imperative that you know how best to deal with them.

The City of San Francisco has a very multicultural population that ranges from white to gay to Asian. Within white culture this known as “ideal diversity” for its provision of exotic restaurants while simultaneously preserving property values. The presence of gays and Asians is imperative as it two provides two of the key resources most necessary for white success and happiness.

However, it is important to be aware of the fact that regions outside of San Francisco feature many people who are not white, gay or Asian. They are greatly appreciated during the census, but white people are generally very happy that they stay in places like Oakland and Richmond. This enables white people to feel good about living near people of diverse backgrounds without having to directly deal with troublesome issues like income gaps or schooling.

Still, the presence of other minorities are welcomed by white people for so many more reasons than just statistics! Much in the way that white people in Brooklyn feel a strong and unfounded connection with The Notorious BIG, white people in San Francisco feel the need to identify with rappers from the East Bay. Interestingly enough, the further they venture from San Francisco, the stronger their need to represent their region.

“Oh man, I went to the Too Short show last night. So hyphy man, so hyphy. You should come by some time and we’ll ghost ride the Prius.”

When you are presented with statements like this, the best response is to say “Berkeley is close to Oakland,” and the white person will likely nod and throw up some sort of west side hand sign.hyphy.jpg

Though it is exceptionally easy to put someone from San Francisco in a good mood, there are some caveats. When talking to a white person who lives in San Francisco, it is best not to bring up New York City. Though they live in a world class city, San Franciscans have a crippling inferiority complex about New York and even hinting at that will make them very sad or very defensive.

Fortunately, there is a fool-proof method for quickly returning the conversation to a positive, trust-building tone. No matter how much you have offended someone from San Francisco, you can always make them feel better by asking them how they feel about Southern California. They will instantly talk of how it is filled with crime, pollution, hegemonic culture, and the wrong kind of white people: “I swear California is like two separate countries, and I am so thankful that I live in the cultural center of the West Coast.” This will allow them to reassert their superiority and leave the conversation with a positive feeling about themselves and about you.

Castro Photo by bkusler who has done an excellent photo essay on Stuff White People Like. Dancing Photo by amynugget.

Volvos are also acceptable for ghost riding. 

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When Omaha Met Cinema
By Eric Konigsberg

The New York Times, Sunday March 16, 2008

Stuff Mentioned

  1. Nonprofit organizations
  2. Arts Degrees
  3. Manhattan
  4. Public Radio
  5. Knowing what’s best for poor people
  6. Indie Music
  7. Film Festivals
  8. Hating Corporations

Do you have an article that prominently features white people? If you find something that you think mentions a lot of the stuff that white people like please send the link to stuffwhitepeoplelike@gmail.com with “White People In the News” as the title. If your story is selected, we will credit you and put up a link to your site if you so choose.

#90 Dinner Parties

dinnerparty.jpgThough many would have you believe that white people come of age at Summer Camp, it’s simply not the truth. Immediately following graduation but prior to renovating a house, white people take their first step from childhood to maturity by hosting a successful dinner party.

It is imperative that white people know how to host a good dinner party as they will be expected to do it well into retirement.

At the most basic level, these simple gatherings involve 3-6 couples getting together at a single house or apartment, having dinner and talking for 5-6 hours. Though it might seem basic these events are some of the most stressful situations in all of white culture.

Hosts are expected to deliver a magical evening. The food must be home made with fresh, organic ingredients, the music must be just right (ambient, new, but not too loud), and the decorations inside the house should be subtle but elegant. The ultimate goal is to do a better job than the couple at the last dinner party while attempting to make everyone jealous and sort of dislike you.

The dinner party is the opportunity for white people to be judged on their taste in food, wine, furniture, art, interior design, music, and books. Outside of dictatorships and a few murder trials, there might not be a more rigorous judgment process in the modern world. Everything must be perfect. One copy of US Weekly, a McDonalds wrapper, a book by John Grisham, a Third Eye Blind CD, or an Old School DVD can undo months and maybe even years of work.

Even before guests arrive the pressure on the host is immense and it does not let up once people begin to arrive. While eating, drinking, and conversation are expected to fill up 5-6 hours, sometimes it’s just not enough. In order to fill the silence, white people will often turn to board games (Cranium!) or Wii Bowling. This lets everyone have fun together without having to really talk to each other, which is usually more fun anyways.

It is strongly encouraged to bring a gift to these dinner parties, usually either wine or some kind of dessert. If you are able to bring a particularly rare dish from your culture, you will be the star of the party. To seal the deal, be sure to explain as much as you possibly can about the dish: history, availability, and the proper way to eat it. Every white person at the party will be taking mental notes and will be in your debt for introducing them to something new and authentic. If a white person says they have eaten the dish before, it is best to respond by saying “you ate a watered down version. They don’t even sell this to white people, it’s that intense. Even I had to show ID.”

The entire party will universally acknowledge you as the top guests, even the hosts will appreciate you for bringing diversity to the table in both food and person form.

stpatrick.jpgNormally if someone were to wake up at 7:00 in the morning, take the day off work, and get drunk at a bar before 10:00 a.m., they would be called an alcoholic, and not in the artistic, edgy way that white people are so fond of.

On March 17th, however, this exact same activity is called celebrating St. Patrick’s day. This very special white holiday recognizes Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland who helped to bring Catholicism to the Emerald Isle. His ascetic life is celebrated every year by white people drinking large amounts of Irish-themed alcohol and listening to the Dropkick Murphys.

It is also the day of the year when you can make the most gains in your social and professional relationship with white people.

Most of the time, white people consider celebrations of European heritage to be racist unless they omit large swathes of the 16th through 20th centuries. But since the Irish never engaged in colonialism and were actually oppressed it is considered acceptable and encouraged to celebrate their ancestry. For this reason, 100% of white people are proud to claim that they are somewhat Irish.

A big part of St. Patrick’s Day is having white people feel particularly upset at the oppression of their ancestors that has in no way trickled down to them. If you find yourself talking with a white person who tells you about how their great grandfather was oppressed by both the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never considered acceptable to say: “but you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”

It is also worth noting that on this day, there is always one trump card that never fails to gain respect and acclaim. When you are sitting at an Irish bar and someone orders a round of Guinness, you must take a single sip and while the other white people are savoring their drink, you say: “mmmm, I know it sounds cliche, but it really is true. Guinness just tastes better in Ireland.”

This comment will elicit an immediate and powerful response of people agreeing with your valuable insight. This statement also has the additional benefit of humiliating the members of your party who have not been to Ireland (and thus cannot confirm this proclamation). Having not traveled to Ireland and consumed a beer that is widely available in their hometown and throughout the world, they will immediately be perceived as provincial, uncultured, and inferior to you.

It is also strongly encouraged that you memorize the lyrics to “Jump Around.” It will come in handy.

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Leaving Behind the Trucker Hat by Allen Salkin in The New York Times, March 16, 2008.

Stuff referenced:

  1. New York Times
  2. Non Profit Organizations
  3. Organic Food
  4. Arts Degrees
  5. Brooklyn
  6. Hating Corporations
  7. Farmers Markets
  8. Having Two Last Names
  9. Irony
  10. Study Abroad
  11. Microbreweries