#26 Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!)
January 26, 2008 by clander
Often times if you ask a white person about where to travel, you will get a lot of responses. But if you ask them about New York, white people will go nuts. They love the city universally and all either live there, have lived there, will live there or want to live there.
White people like New York because it has artists, restaurants, a subway, history, diversity, plays, and other white people. It literally has everything white people need to thrive! The only thing it’s missing is nature, but Central Park is right there, and since you are walking all the time, you are outside!
If you are from New York, tell this to a white person. They will instantly be interested in you “what part of New York? and you are really from there?” When they inevitably tell you about your home town (”I know this great italian place…”) you should respond by saying “man, I thought place was only known to New Yorkers.”
Another secret fact about white people, if you are in group setting and the topic of New York City comes up, find the highest ranking white person and say “oh, are you from New York?”
To them, this means you are calling them cultured, cool, and urban. They will respond with something like “oh, well, I’ve spent a lot of time there,” or “I lived there for three years.” You will have instantly become more popular than all other people in the group.
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I’ve never been to manhattan but my family owns a deed passed down from many generations from a certain duchess which gives our family the inherited ownership of the island. We are building our case and will take it to trial eventually, so enjoy it while you can, fucking trespassers!
Funny thing- visited NYC in April of this month. Got incredibly sick, so got some tea from Starbucks while waiting for my mother and sister to arrive from Ohio, where they were driving from. Some middle-aged white woman asked to share the table with me while she waited for her hip friend who reviewed restaurants with a camera. I told her who I was waiting for, and smiled while she replied “Oh, that’s going to be a lot of fun- *snirk* don’t let them hurt their necks looking up at the big buildings.”
From that moment on, possibly as a side-effect of my swine-flu like symptoms, NYC took on an incredibly offense tone with me. I used to love it- MOMA, Soho, MTA, all that shit. Instead, I saw it for what it was – a swarm of tourists all flocking around trying to “experience” NYC while the residents bustled hurriedly around and through them, looking painfully important and busy. I realized how much it would suck to live there- having to constantly put up with tourists, and winter, and the reverse -how much you miss trying to be a tourist.
I will never again be heaping accolades upon NYC. It is over-crowded, expensive, over-hyped, and a waste of time in comparison to “second-class” cities such as Cleveland, Toronto, Tucson, Berkeley- all places I have had the great opportunity to live. Besides, the girls in Tucson and Berkeley are copious, quirky, and beautiful (and asian in the latter destination.)
Several years into residence on the UWS, I was still answering, “Pittsburgh” when asked where I was from, traveling around that area West of the Hudson.
Sure it’s annoying when you know nothing about team sports- that you’re in the playoffs, that your congressman is America’s biggest Nazi; but you get bigger, fattier portions at redneck lunch counters, folks assume you’re a fellow crank abusing wet-brain bigot with COPD and spirochetes cork screwing through your pre-mandibular forebrain bundle…
Even WITH Cash Cab, 9/11 and The Sopranos (most REAL ‘Merikans don’t know NJ ain’t on Manhattan Island), once you actually fess up, or slip-up about alternate side parking or a Zabar receipt falls from your BDUs, suddenly the peckerwood lady who looks just like Herman Goering stops scooping the huge gobs of etouffe over your dirty rice… “Cletus, this heah Yan-KEE dun kilt r’baby JEE-SUSSSSSSSSsssssssssss!
I would rather drink my own urine than go anywhere near NYC. That place is absolutely terrible in every way possible.
I asked the highest ranking white person in the room, they said “No, I’m not. I’ve never actually been there.” Then they began to stammer.
People got annoyed with me for embarrassing the Alpha White Person. Any advice?
Congratulations, you the man now dog. i.e. you have assumed the alpha role.
What religion are you? Oh, didnt see that. Forget it.
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I’m one of those white people that ‘has spent a lot of time in New York’, mostly Manhattan, and I’m amazed at how few black people I see on the streets. Yes, I know there are tons of black people in Harlem, Queens, Brooklyn, and the Bronx but I’m talking about Manhattan. So many white people. The first time I visited was in 88. I’m one of those white people with money. I’m able to hang out with my other white friends with money and stay for several weeks at a time. The city back then was harsh. I loved it. It now has this Crate and Barrell feel to it. Being a hip white person with money, I hate that shit.
Dumbass, Harlem IS Manhattan–I hate ignorant statements like that. if Harlem isn’t Manhattan then guess what, Colubmia University isn’t in NYC…dumbass. And I’m black (if you haven’t guessed) and I live in the LES (if you don’t know what that stands for I wouldn’t be surprised) and there’s tons of blacks and whites but mostly Asians. Woah, your ignorance astounds me.
I think we can safely assume by this comment that a sense of humor is not something that black people like. Lighten up with the whining.
HAHA, I’m an alphabet city girl m’self. There used to be so many more Black and Latino people here, but now because of Gentrification (tingles huh guys) not so much anymore. NYU has taken over. But it’s ok, because I spend my time trying to make them feel uncomfortable. Hopefully, they’ll get terrified and move out. That’d be a good day, and I’d be able to afford to continue to live forever in a neighborhood people of color were forced into anyway.
Instead of taking a cab between your hotell at Times Square and the Meatpacking district, and instead of then walking down through the west village to Soho, try to visit other parts of town and you shall se that it is just as diverse as in your dreams.
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