Archive for September, 2008

#110 Frisbee Sports

Though many white people consider competitive sports to be too aggressive and macho for their tastes there are a few exceptions.  The most notable is Soccer since for some reason it is wrong to get fired up about Football game, but right to get fired up about a Football match.  The second sport (term used loosely) in this category is called Ultimate Frisbee or simply Ultimate.

It is important to know that when you hear a white person saying “we should do some ultimate this weekend” or “I’m so pumped for ultimate,” they are talking about a sport and not an “ultimate solution”-type race war.  Though a quick look at a field full of Ultimate Frisbee players might lead one to surmise that an ethnic cleansing has taken place.

When you first see the sport being played, you will be struck at how amazingly boring it is.  Imagine a field of white people running around throwing a frisbee trying to catch it in an “endzone.”   Sometimes one person ‘guards’ another (pictured) and that’s the whole game.  There is nothing more to explain.

If you look a little closer, you will see some surprising things.  First, you will never see hippies get more upset than on an Ultimate Frisbee field.  It can be jarring to see people who look like they should be playing acoustic guitars yelling at each other about whether or not Blake stepped out of bounds.  Secondly, you will notice that Ultimate Frisbee matches are the best place to meet white guys who wear headbands.

Fortunately, ultimate frisbee offers a lot of opportunities for personal, professional and financial gain. Since the sport has yet to be integrated, you could command a high fee in terms of money or favors if you agree to join one of the many white leagues in your area.  To a white person, having a diverse Ultimate team is almost as good as winning the championship.  Almost.

In addition, white people have also created a sport called Frisbee Golf.  In this game, you see how many throws it takes to get a disc into a receptacle. There is no other pertinent information about this sport, and it’s only real value is as a cheap date for white people who like to be outside.

In any case, if a white person talks to you a sport that you’ve never heard of, do not be afraid to ask some questions.  This is because, on average, white people invent a new sport every six weeks.  Hacky Sack, Sky Surfing, and group juggling are just a few of the games invented to help white people maximize their time at parks and beaches.


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New Tour Dates Announced!

Monday, October 13th – St. Louis

Talk & Signing
Left Bank Books
399 N. Euclid
St. Louis, MO 63108

Wednesday, October 15th – Madison, WI

Talk & Signing
Madison, WI
3750 University Ave.
Madison, WI 53705

Thursday, October 16th – Milwaukee, WI

Talk & Signing
Milwaukee, WI
8705 N. Port Washington
Fox Point, WI 53217

Friday, October 17th – Houston, TX

Talk & Signing
Houston, TX
3025 Kirby
Houston, TX 77098

Monday, October 20th – Portland, OR

Talk & Signing
Powell’s Books
3723 SE Hawthorne Blvd.
Portland, OR 97209

Friday, October 24th – Berkeley, CA

Berkley Arts & Letters
First Congregational Church of Berkley
2345 Channing Way @ Dana
Berkeley, CA

Saturday, October 25th – San Francisco, CA

Time TBA
Booksmith Bookstore
1644 Haight St.
San Francisco, CA 94117

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#109 The Onion

Before you begin hanging around with white people, you should know that all white humor comes from three sources: The Simpsons, Monty Python, and The Onion.  If you are not presently familiar with The Onion, you should visit TheOnion.com immediately as it is essential in your development and cultivation of white friendships.  If you are not familiar with The Onion, your conversations with white people will be boring, humorless, and unlikely to lead anywhere productive.

Before moving on, it’s important to know exactly what The Onion is and where it came from. The Onion is a satirical newspaper and website that was founded in Madison, Wisconsin – a very popular location for white people.  When the publication got more popular it moved to New York.  Since then it has produced a body of work that includes audio, video, and thousands of articles that entertain white people every single day of the year.

It is so popular, that every white person home contains at least one book from The Onion.  If that home is occupied exclusively by white men then said book will be located in the bathroom.  There are no exceptions.

At any given time a white person has 100-200 Onion headlines memorized and ready for deployment into a conversation.  In fact it is impossible to talk to a white person for more than one hour without hearing “that reminds me of the Onion article….”  In order to remain a viable part of that conversation it is essential that you are able to quickly suggest a related, but different, Onion article on a similar subject.  Doing so will show the white person that you are smart and have a good sense of humor.

As an institution, the Onion is beyond reproach for white people.  You should not imply that you don’t get it or that it’s not funny.  In fact, the only acceptable criticism for the Onion is that you are unable to work for them.  This is because every white male under 35 is convinced that they could and should be working for The Onion.

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New York Times)

Note the Apple Laptop (Photo: New York Times)

“In an Evolving Harlem, Newcomers Try to Fit In”

by: Timothy Williams.  The New York Times, Sept. 6, 2008.


Recently the New York Times has been spending so much time covering stuff white people don’t like (Sarah Palin) that it has failed to live up to its duty of chronicling the experiences of white people in and around New York City.

In this latest installment, the paper takes a look at some enterprising white people who have decided to move into Harlem for its low rent, authenticity, and high potential for gentrification.

Jobs to enable you to live in Harlem

According to the article, the following jobs will allow you to live in Harlem.  Amazingly all are Stuff White People Like:

  • Lawyer
  • Artist
  • School Teacher (won lottery)
  • Non-Profit Organization

White Plans for Harlem

The article goes into some of the plans and hopes that white people have for the neighborhood, and they include the opening of Thai Restaurant, A wine shops, hair salon, and a place that serves gourmet burgers and microbrews (implied).

White people are also hoping to close down things that they do not like, specifically churches.  With over 100 houses of worship in the area, white people are concerned.  Though the article does not mention why white people are upset at so many churches, it can be implied that they would feel more comfortable if they were to be replaced with condominiums, yoga studios, and white people churches (also known as Whole Foods).

Yet in spite of all these desired changes, white people would still prefer it if other white people did not move into the neighborhood.

One of the new residents says: “Harlem does have a character. I don’t want Harlem to become Union Square any more than anyone else does.”


Harlem had a good run.

Stuff Mentioned

Stuff Not Mentioned:

Having Black Friends

Sent in by Anders Mikkelsen in New York City, who would like you to check out:

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This Friday September 5th, Stuff White People Like Author Christian Lander will be making a guest appearance on Late Night With Conan O’Brien.

NBC 12:35 / 11:35 C

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There are a number of industries that survive solely upon white guilt: Penguin Classics, the SPCA, free range chicken farms, and the entire rubber bracelet market.  Yet all of these pale in comparison to classical music, which has used white guilt to exist for over a century beyond its relevance.

Though white people do not actually listen to classical music, they like to believe that they are the type of people who would enjoy it.  You can witness this first hand by going to any classical performance at your local symphony where you will see literally dozens of white couples who have paid upwards of $80 for the right to dress up and sit in a chair for hours reading every word in the program.

After leaving the concert hall, white people will immediately begin telling everyone they know about how much they loved the performance and how they plan to “go more often.”  This is because white people see little to no value enjoying classical music without recognition from other white people.  This can be seen first hand by looking at the plaques and bricks around all opera houses: they are covered in white person names.

If a white person starts talking to you about classical music, it’s essential that you tread very lightly.  This is because white people are all petrified that they will be exposed as someone who has only a moderate understanding of classical music.  When a white person encounters another white person who actually enjoys classical music (exceptionally rare), it is often considered to be one of the most traumatic experiences they can go through.

“Really?  Beethoven’s 5th Symphony….that’s your favorite.”
“um, no, I mean…”
“You sure it’s not Pachebel’s Canon?”
“well, ah, I like that, ah, song”
“sigh, of course you do.”

Even the possibility of this conversation happening is enough to scare white people into attending up to (but no more than) two performances in any given classical season.  Therefore it is essential that even if you possess a massive amount of knowledge about classical music, do not share it with a white person regardless of how much they profess to love it.  It’s a recipe for disaster and shame.

As a defense mechanism against the possibility of being called out for a lack of familiarity with the early works of Antonin Dvorak, white people have started to list more contemporary composers as their favorites.  Of course, the easiest way for them to do this is to choose composers with music that appears in independent films.  Knowing these composers is almost a golden ticket into making white people think you are smart, but not TOO smart.

The first, of course, is Philip Glass.  Not only does he have one of the best last names a white person can  have, but he writes music used in smart documentaries.  Thus combining multiple white passions into a single artist.

The second, and slightly more obscure, is Erik Satie.  Composing at the end of the 19th century, Satie has risen to prominence among white people because his music has been sampled by popular musicians and featured in a number of independent films.  Dropping this name at a dinner party will show that you are modern and post-modern at the same time.  It is also a good idea to tell white people that your tastes in general are “modern and post-modern at the same time.”  Don’t worry, you won’t have to explain it.

Note: Under no circumstances should you ever list John Williams or Danny Elfman as your favorite composer.

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