#89 Saint Patrick’s Day
March 16, 2008 by clander
Normally if someone were to wake up at 7:00 in the morning, take the day off work, and get drunk at a bar before 10:00 a.m., they would be called an alcoholic, and not in the artistic, edgy way that white people are so fond of.
On March 17th, however, this exact same activity is called celebrating St. Patrick’s day. This very special white holiday recognizes Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland who helped to bring Catholicism to the Emerald Isle. His ascetic life is celebrated every year by white people drinking large amounts of Irish-themed alcohol and listening to the Dropkick Murphys.
It is also the day of the year when you can make the most gains in your social and professional relationship with white people.
Most of the time, white people consider celebrations of European heritage to be racist unless they omit large swathes of the 16th through 20th centuries. But since the Irish never engaged in colonialism and were actually oppressed it is considered acceptable and encouraged to celebrate their ancestry. For this reason, 100% of white people are proud to claim that they are somewhat Irish.
A big part of St. Patrick’s Day is having white people feel particularly upset at the oppression of their ancestors that has in no way trickled down to them. If you find yourself talking with a white person who tells you about how their great grandfather was oppressed by both the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never considered acceptable to say: “but you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”
It is also worth noting that on this day, there is always one trump card that never fails to gain respect and acclaim. When you are sitting at an Irish bar and someone orders a round of Guinness, you must take a single sip and while the other white people are savoring their drink, you say: “mmmm, I know it sounds cliche, but it really is true. Guinness just tastes better in Ireland.”
This comment will elicit an immediate and powerful response of people agreeing with your valuable insight. This statement also has the additional benefit of humiliating the members of your party who have not been to Ireland (and thus cannot confirm this proclamation). Having not traveled to Ireland and consumed a beer that is widely available in their hometown and throughout the world, they will immediately be perceived as provincial, uncultured, and inferior to you.
It is also strongly encouraged that you memorize the lyrics to “Jump Around.” It will come in handy.
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I WANT A MILLION DOLLARS!!! Can one million RICH WHITE PEOPLE send me one dollar apiece, puh-lease????
I don’t want money from any Asians, or Blacks or Hispanics. You guys NEED your money. I only want one dollar apiece from RICH WHITE PEOPLE who seem to WASTE their money like drunken leprechauns on St. Patrick’s Day.
Waste it on me instead. Thanks so much! (First person who comments “You ARE a waste.” is a rotten egg. You thought it. I know you did. Stop lying. See? I knew it.)
http://thepighasacurlytail.wordpress.com/million-dollar-fund/
Along with your Guinness comment, the one thing you can say on St. Patrick’s Day to elicit immediate praise and respect from the white people in your local Irish bar would be the always handy, “Everyone’s Irish on St. Patty’s Day.”
Yes, it can seem like there is little point when people with Irish ancestry complain about ancestors’ oppression, but it is important to realize that there are still people being oppressed in Ireland.
840 years 1 month 29 days unfree (accounting for shifting calendars)
LOL
Yeah, Americans would be able to talk shit on that score if their own country weren’t stolen from the massacred indigenous population and built via the blood and sweat of black slaves, the descendants of which haven’t even been truly free for a hundred years yet.
“Free Ireland” – from whom? The terrorist gangsters abhorred by 99% of the population who continue to try to further their stupid old war that everyone else has gotten past a long time ago? You know nothing. An American can say the words “Free Ireland” when centuries of genocide and oppression have been paid for and whitey’s the one that lives in a reservation. Go chug a green beer and stfu.
Preach Mayor McCheese… preach on
But Guinness really does just tastes better in Ireland – although I have never said that to anyone after taking a sip – wait… I just did – ooops. Erin Go Bragh!
No, only white people who are amateur drunks like St. Patrick’s day, you bigot.
In many ways St. Patrick’s Day has been turned into a shallow commercialized holiday but you don’t have to celebrate it that way. Growing up Irish-Catholic March 17th meant an hour in church and seeing my extended family. I’d say that’s pretty close to what the holiday was originally meant to be.
There’s only one way to make st patricks day for real. Have a white person party. haha, that will make everything better in your life. Just have sweet party at your new home right here at http://www.cornerstonehomesofutah.com.
Aaah [enlightenment]. I never understood why St Patrick’s day was such a big deal. I come from a place where a lot of people do have Irish ancestry [actual as opposed to assumed for self enrichment] and where social alcoholism is normal, so I just assumed that was the reason. But it’s really colonial guilt – that makes much more sense….
I LOVE IRISH SODA BREAD
but i actually do hate st. patrick’s day…maybe it will make a difference when i’m old enough to get drunk legally, but till then i never wear green on st. paddy’s and i make death threats to any asshole who tries to get away with a fake irish accent.
it is on st. patrick’s day that americans rape ireland.
the flogging molly comment was right….or maybe even learn a pogues song at that.
:O How dare they mention the Dropkick Murphys?! xD
Three people I know in my whole school listens to them or have even heard of them.
…Flogging Molly would have been MUCH more appropriate. xDD
Everyone knows the song from “The Departed” It’s the only one that gets any air play anyway. So Your not that cool and your not that edgy, get over yourself.
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