#89 Saint Patrick’s Day
March 16, 2008 by clander
Normally if someone were to wake up at 7:00 in the morning, take the day off work, and get drunk at a bar before 10:00 a.m., they would be called an alcoholic, and not in the artistic, edgy way that white people are so fond of.
On March 17th, however, this exact same activity is called celebrating St. Patrick’s day. This very special white holiday recognizes Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland who helped to bring Catholicism to the Emerald Isle. His ascetic life is celebrated every year by white people drinking large amounts of Irish-themed alcohol and listening to the Dropkick Murphys.
It is also the day of the year when you can make the most gains in your social and professional relationship with white people.
Most of the time, white people consider celebrations of European heritage to be racist unless they omit large swathes of the 16th through 20th centuries. But since the Irish never engaged in colonialism and were actually oppressed it is considered acceptable and encouraged to celebrate their ancestry. For this reason, 100% of white people are proud to claim that they are somewhat Irish.
A big part of St. Patrick’s Day is having white people feel particularly upset at the oppression of their ancestors that has in no way trickled down to them. If you find yourself talking with a white person who tells you about how their great grandfather was oppressed by both the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never considered acceptable to say: “but you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”
It is also worth noting that on this day, there is always one trump card that never fails to gain respect and acclaim. When you are sitting at an Irish bar and someone orders a round of Guinness, you must take a single sip and while the other white people are savoring their drink, you say: “mmmm, I know it sounds cliche, but it really is true. Guinness just tastes better in Ireland.”
This comment will elicit an immediate and powerful response of people agreeing with your valuable insight. This statement also has the additional benefit of humiliating the members of your party who have not been to Ireland (and thus cannot confirm this proclamation). Having not traveled to Ireland and consumed a beer that is widely available in their hometown and throughout the world, they will immediately be perceived as provincial, uncultured, and inferior to you.
It is also strongly encouraged that you memorize the lyrics to “Jump Around.” It will come in handy.
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Stick to your 40 oune Old English.
Hey that photo is of ME on Saint Patrick’s day 2007… how did you get this?
The damage is done I guess considering this post is 3.5 years old…. I will point out that these two pints were being consumed in Seoul, Korea.
Not only whitey loves to wear green and get shitfaced once a year, eh?
Paul H
fuck the irish
black power!
Being Irish myself (as in born in Ireland, spent all my life here), I have to tell you that waking up at 7:00 in the morning, taking the day off work, and getting drunk at a bar before 10:00 a.m. is a really Irish thing to do. Of course if you don’t look old enough, you have to do with getting drunk in a field. So if Americans want to pretend to be Irish then doing that is a good start.
satire.
“Not really true connor. It was the UK(of which Ireland was a part) that colonised africa etc”
That is a Ridiculous comment, so Nigeria also colonised africa because it was part of the british empire?
this is a racist blog
Not really true connor. It was the UK(of which Ireland was a part) that colonised africa etc
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