#89 Saint Patrick’s Day
March 16, 2008 by clander
Normally if someone were to wake up at 7:00 in the morning, take the day off work, and get drunk at a bar before 10:00 a.m., they would be called an alcoholic, and not in the artistic, edgy way that white people are so fond of.
On March 17th, however, this exact same activity is called celebrating St. Patrick’s day. This very special white holiday recognizes Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland who helped to bring Catholicism to the Emerald Isle. His ascetic life is celebrated every year by white people drinking large amounts of Irish-themed alcohol and listening to the Dropkick Murphys.
It is also the day of the year when you can make the most gains in your social and professional relationship with white people.
Most of the time, white people consider celebrations of European heritage to be racist unless they omit large swathes of the 16th through 20th centuries. But since the Irish never engaged in colonialism and were actually oppressed it is considered acceptable and encouraged to celebrate their ancestry. For this reason, 100% of white people are proud to claim that they are somewhat Irish.
A big part of St. Patrick’s Day is having white people feel particularly upset at the oppression of their ancestors that has in no way trickled down to them. If you find yourself talking with a white person who tells you about how their great grandfather was oppressed by both the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never considered acceptable to say: “but you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”
It is also worth noting that on this day, there is always one trump card that never fails to gain respect and acclaim. When you are sitting at an Irish bar and someone orders a round of Guinness, you must take a single sip and while the other white people are savoring their drink, you say: “mmmm, I know it sounds cliche, but it really is true. Guinness just tastes better in Ireland.”
This comment will elicit an immediate and powerful response of people agreeing with your valuable insight. This statement also has the additional benefit of humiliating the members of your party who have not been to Ireland (and thus cannot confirm this proclamation). Having not traveled to Ireland and consumed a beer that is widely available in their hometown and throughout the world, they will immediately be perceived as provincial, uncultured, and inferior to you.
It is also strongly encouraged that you memorize the lyrics to “Jump Around.” It will come in handy.
Pages: [87] 86 85 84 83 82 81 80 79 78 77 … 1 » Show All
Minorities should learn a lesson from us Irish-Americans and become cops
“And British historians agree was essentially used as a lab to test colonial practices worldwide.” (Dean 20/3/12).
Agree totally – did an interesting course on black history many years ago and I’ve got to agree with your sentiment. What I could never get though was why some many black Caribbeans, who were often forced to take the name of their ‘owners’ or overseers, have Irish names.
Poorest city in western world in 1912? Dublin. Highest infant morality rate in British Empire 1912? Dublin. Highest morality rate in Europe 1912? Yeah you got it…
Now lets head back a century or two to things punishable by death in Ireland -
educating native catholic children
practising catholicism
speaking the Irish language
owing a weapon
owing a horse(!)
The above happened no where else in the British Empire
Why were the Brits so mental towards the Irish?
The Irish (native/gaels etc etc) were in the eyes of the British commited to letting the Holy Roman Empire use the country as a landing for an invasion of Britain. This fear resulted in the worst case of British behaviour in their preety shabby colonial history:
A quick look at how they tried to deal with this threat posed the native gaels included;
Ethnic Cleansing east of the Shannon River (that sucked)
Forced removal to the west coast (it’s barren out there)
Forced removal to Barbados and Montesurrat as the initial wave of slaves to the newly colonised Caribbean (no sunscreen)
Plantations (thats when you kill people and put your people on their land)
Ireland has a smaller popualtion than it did in 1840 – it and Rwanda are the only documented countries in the northern hemisphere with this instance
For the Irish that benefited and were members of British establishment when they were actively colonising – see the Protestant Ascendancy (descendant of British planters who saw themselves as colonial Britons in Ireland and were given the right to ownership of the country from the native gaels by the British Empire) – native catholics were banned from the being a part of the Irish parliment until the mid 19th century
Scotland became a fully paind up member of the British Empire in the 17th century – Ireland was merely Britains closest colony. And British historians agree was essentially used as a lab to test colonial practices worldwide.
Nothin but class
Read this!
Happy st. pats day to all yous from us at mels scumbag trailerpark. I have half a shit hanging out of my asshhole right now yet still take the time to wish you all good holiday.
Reblogged this on DRESS Melbourne and commented:
An occasion can be fashionable?
Pages: [87] 86 85 84 83 82 81 80 79 78 77 … 1 » Show All