#89 Saint Patrick’s Day
March 16, 2008 by clander
Normally if someone were to wake up at 7:00 in the morning, take the day off work, and get drunk at a bar before 10:00 a.m., they would be called an alcoholic, and not in the artistic, edgy way that white people are so fond of.
On March 17th, however, this exact same activity is called celebrating St. Patrick’s day. This very special white holiday recognizes Saint Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland who helped to bring Catholicism to the Emerald Isle. His ascetic life is celebrated every year by white people drinking large amounts of Irish-themed alcohol and listening to the Dropkick Murphys.
It is also the day of the year when you can make the most gains in your social and professional relationship with white people.
Most of the time, white people consider celebrations of European heritage to be racist unless they omit large swathes of the 16th through 20th centuries. But since the Irish never engaged in colonialism and were actually oppressed it is considered acceptable and encouraged to celebrate their ancestry. For this reason, 100% of white people are proud to claim that they are somewhat Irish.
A big part of St. Patrick’s Day is having white people feel particularly upset at the oppression of their ancestors that has in no way trickled down to them. If you find yourself talking with a white person who tells you about how their great grandfather was oppressed by both the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never considered acceptable to say: “but you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”
It is also worth noting that on this day, there is always one trump card that never fails to gain respect and acclaim. When you are sitting at an Irish bar and someone orders a round of Guinness, you must take a single sip and while the other white people are savoring their drink, you say: “mmmm, I know it sounds cliche, but it really is true. Guinness just tastes better in Ireland.”
This comment will elicit an immediate and powerful response of people agreeing with your valuable insight. This statement also has the additional benefit of humiliating the members of your party who have not been to Ireland (and thus cannot confirm this proclamation). Having not traveled to Ireland and consumed a beer that is widely available in their hometown and throughout the world, they will immediately be perceived as provincial, uncultured, and inferior to you.
It is also strongly encouraged that you memorize the lyrics to “Jump Around.” It will come in handy.
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you’re a douchebag and you’re not irish you’re an american who thinks he knows about ireland
To quote this excerpt from a post by Ron Williams -
“I love when a pale, fair complected blonde haired, blue-eyed white claims to be 1/3 Cherokee. ”
You can encounter plenty of mixed-race Cherokee/American Indian people like what you describe, but they can have a genetic dominance of dark hair, brown eyes and tan skin while they are 1/3, 1/4, 1/5, 1/6 and rarely, 1/8 Cherokee. Many Cherokees in the US encounter questions, comments and mistaken identity from white Americans “You look like a Mexican, are you part-Japanese?” or “You can’t be Indian!” I thought they would be treated like a black person, except white people desired to have a bit of ‘Injun or ‘redskin than to be a “Negro or mulatto”, to descend from a plantation slave carries a heavy burden and social stigma to this day in the US (esp. in the Deep South or mid-Atlantic states).
To be Irish, one should know their ethnic history and nation identity. Irish people are originally Celtic, their presence in the British isles goes back over 3000 years…and Ireland is the sole Celtic majority republic in the world. I’m sure the Welsh and Scots are on their way declaring independence from the British crown soon. The Irish are fascinated with pre-Christian folklore and tradition, their language revived in a country that is 80-90% English-speaking dominant and the Roman Catholic church has extended powers on some important legislation in the government, therefore not much separation between church and state than in the US.
sillycone boob,
That’s okay, no one wants to be Irish anyway, not even the Irish.
You’re just one notch above us coons.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Damn, Conan O’Brien in weird lookin’
I’m a red haired fiery blooded easily sunburned Irish man and I can tell you, over here, we love all Paddies, plastic, pewter or otherwise
But please remember we are not a race, we’re a nation. So as far as we are concerned anyone can be Irish, in fact we encourage it. We even invented a feckin’ day for you people to try it out.
So if on Paddy’s Day you develop a taste for being Irish feel free to consider yourself one of us!
And if you feel the need to get a passport or buy a Riverdance DVD or even smother yourself in green body paint while emptying the local pub into your liver you’re of course welcome to it.
Really.Go mad. We won’t try and stop you.
Aspirants can relax, becoming Irish is easy! Any vague wish or silent declaration is enough to do it.
Don’t worry being Irish isn’t hard, no special training’s required We don’t have a reading list or an entrance exam. We’re not even all that good at taking attendance
And drinking, while not mandatory, is a lot of fun. (We recommend to anyone who doesn’t want to be Irish too.)
Better yet you can stop being Irish any time you like!
It’s just as easy and we promise not to pursue apostates.
There’s only one rule, added after some past… unpleasantness.
Anyone can be Irish (or not), just please, don’t fight.
As a Pagan, I’m a bit skeptical about celebrating St. Patricks Day who I can only recognize as one who was prostilitizing the Druids into converting to Christianity. It just doesn’t add up to being an honest biblical story since Christianity is deep rooted from Paganism. The beer and parties are something that do kinda have me reconsidering sometimes.
Very funny, but bashing the plastic paddy syndrome has been done to death. Listen, the truth of the matter is due to a lack of long standing and defined American culture and the melting pot make up of its citizens Americans of all breeds, creeds, and attitudes latch on to other ethnic traditions. When your nation’s greatest claims to fame post frontier are jeans, Jaws, and the Big Mac there is nothing wrong with spending a day here or there celebrating the notion of being someone else. Further, the Irish and others complaining about it should count their blessings. I don’t know of any other culture in the world holding drinking contests on Columbus Day to celebrate the wonderful story of America. Usually foriegn gatherings relating to the U.S. involve burning flags and weaponry.
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