#99 Grammar
May 12, 2008 by clander
White people love rules. It explains why so they get upset when people cut in line, why they tip so religiously and why they become lawyers. But without a doubt, the rule system that white people love the most is grammar. It is in their blood not only to use perfect grammar but also to spend significant portions of time pointing out the errors of others.
When asking someone about their biggest annoyances in life, you might expect responses like “hunger,” “being poor,” or “getting shot.” If you ask a white person, the most common response will likely be “people who use ‘their’ when they mean ‘there.’ Maybe comma splices, I’m not sure but it’s definitely one of the two.”
If you wish to gain the respect of a white person, it’s probably a good idea that you find an obscure and debated grammar rule such as the “Oxford Comma” and take a firm stance on what you believe is correct. This is seen as more productive and forward thinking than simply stating your anger at the improper use of “it’s.
Another important thing to know is that when white people read magazines and books they are always looking for grammar and spelling mistakes. In fact, one of the greatest joys a white person can experience is to catch a grammar mistake in a major publication. Finding one allows a white person to believe that they are better than the writer and the publication since they would have caught the mistake. The more respected the publication, the greater the thrill. If a white person were to catch a mistake in The New Yorker, it would be a sufficient reason for a large party.
Though they reserve the harshest judgment for professional, do not assume that white people will cast a blind eye to your grammar mistakes in email and official documents. They will judge you and make a general assessment about your intelligence after the first infraction. Fortunately, this situation can be improved if you ask a white person to proof read your work before you send it out. “Hey Jill, I’m sorry to do this, but I have a business degree and I’m a terrible writer. Can you look this over for me?” This deft maneuver will allow the white person to feel as though their liberal arts degree has a purpose and allow you to do something more interesting.
Don’t worry, it is impossible for a white person to turn down the opportunity to proofread.
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Hey now! Them colored folk get bent out of shape about cutting in line too. Apparently more so that white people.
I loved this! It definately reminded me of myself.
jessica, you spelled definitely wrong.
ahahaha
I really miss my grammer!
It’s a major pet peeve of mine when people spell “lose” and in “I lost my virginity” as loose
In a lot of ways, one does “loose” their virginity.
Re:# 103..
“…the cardigan sweater, which is essentially a wool jacket with less buttons.”
It should be ‘fewer’ buttons.
And yes – that was a ‘white’ moment.
(P.S. I’m British – so apologies if you’ve done away with that word in the States…)
I wouldn’t say that the word is done away with, but I would say that it is not used as often as it should be. But the differences in England and USA English is so interesting to me, so thank you for letting us know.
No, we don’t use the word ‘fewer’ anymore. Very outdated.
Tia- I don’t know where you are from, but if a person speaks English, ‘fewer’ is not outdated. Proper grammar is NEVER outdated! As a caucasion, I find this list absolutely hilarious! I am noticing that more and more people, despite their races and cultures, are joking and ‘having fun’ with their own stereotypes. I think it’s important as a society because it is allowing us to get past our differences, and lighten up and enjoy our different cultures, etc. This will keep us moving toward a less hateful society. Of course it’s important to keep things tasteful
did you mean… causasian?
-google
No… He meant Caucasian
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