#115 Promising to Learn a New Language
November 9, 2008 by clander
Throughout history, white people have a pretty poor record when it comes to promises (see Americans, Native for examples). Thankfully, modern white people are trying to erase the shame of the past by making promises to themselves that they will never keep.
Writing a novel, going vegan, or sending their future kid to public school are just a few of these great breakable promises. But by far the most common self improvement promise is to learn a new language.
This plan is first formulated when white people realize that two years of college Italian does not confer fluency. For the most part, these classes will only teach a white person how to order food in a restaurant, ask for a train schedule, and over pronounce words when they are mixed into English. Amazingly this small amount of proficiency is more than enough to warrant inclusion on a resume under “spoken languages.”
For many white people the lack of a second language is their greatest secret shame. It fills them with so much shame that they will literally spend the rest of their lives promising to learn a new language, but not so much shame that they will actually do it.
When it comes to learning a new language, white people can follow a few paths, the most common of which is to try to learn a language that is popular in their current city.
For example, white people in places like Los Angeles or Austin, TX will often promise to learn Spanish in hopes of being able to ask local taco stands about whether or not their carne asada is grass fed (”¿Ha leído usted Michael Pollan?”).
In order to reach this level of fluency and obnoxiousness, white people believe they must put themselves into a local immersion. This means a promise to watch only Spanish language TV, listen only to Spanish language radio, read Marquez in his native tongue, and watch foreign films with the subtitles turned off. There are some instances of white people doing this for almost a week!
When this technique is unavailable or fails, white people will immediately turn to books and computer software as a last ditch effort to make good on their promise. After about a week, most white people will give up and blame someone for their failure (”this software is terrible,” “there aren’t enough people in Portland who speak Farsi!”). But rather than discarding the books and software packaging, white people will simply put them in the most visible part of their book shelf. This allows white people to believe that they have not failed since they can resume their studies at any time until their death.
Since learning a new language is something that most white people fail at, it should be approached with extreme caution. When you hear a white person say that they speak your native language, you will probably think it’s a good idea to start talking to them in said language. WRONG! Instead you should say something like “you speak (insert language)?” to which they will reply “a little” in your native tongue. If you just leave it here, the white person will feel fantastic for the rest of the day. If you push it any further and speak quickly, the white person will just look at you with a blank stare. Within a minute you will notice that blank stare has shifted from confusion to contempt. You have shamed them and your chance for friendship is ruined forever.
Finally, though they won’t admit it, white people do not believe that learning English is difficult. This is because if it were true, then that would mean that their housekeeper, gardener, mother-in-law (if they are an elite white person) are smarter than them. Needless to say, this realization would destroy their entire universe.
The best technique is to just tell white people what they really want to hear: “You should move to (insert country) so you can really learn the language.” They will agree instantly and lament their employer’s lack of an office there. Share this lament and you can enjoy a gigantic increase in trust and friendship from that white person.
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Here on the left coast of Canada there are thousands of immigrants from China and India who speak their original languages plus English. Also, in Quebec, many speak their original language plus French plus English. Of course, all our food packaging and other labels are bilingual, so you can’t help but know that MILK is LAIT, EGGS are OEUFS, etc.
Is it the same in the U.S.? I’ve not been for a while and don’t remember if your labels are Eng-Span or just English.
Part of the problem too is that apart from Spanish, the United States is not the best environment for learning a foreign language since English is the spoken language of all American states.
Nor does it help that foreign language instruction usually doesn’t begin until the 9th grade in the U.S. I’m living in Germany right now, and most kids here start taking their SECOND foreign language in 9th grade.
However, a good number of people I’ve spoken to here in Germany agree that English is actually pretty easy to learn. It also helps that thanks to the mass exportation of American media and culture abroad, picking up new English phrases and terms is not too hard.
This doesn’t excuse us white people though.
Hey, I’m directing this at Jessica, and anyone else who has something horribly negative to say:
Go to the full list of what white people like, and read #101.
That’s all.
Jessica = humourless
This is def true. What I really hate is how people will inject their “second” language into english speech. I have worked in Germany and spend a great deal of time practicing so I can improve my professional skill in it. Aside from the first 5 minutes off the plane when I realize I can speak english again you will never hear me ask for “ein” minute, or start a conversation with a hearty “Gruss Gott”. Yet these people who can barely speak spanish or Japanese throw one of the two words they know into a sentence as if it means something. I have NEVER studied spanish or french but I can hold more of a conversation than most “fluent” friends of mine.
The speaking quickly thing though is a bit of a misnomer. I have only been studying German intensively for 2 years but if you speak clear “Hoch Deutsch” I can hold in depth conversations on a vareity of subjects. However if you immediately go mile a minute falling into your dialekt I am going to obviously have trouble. This is fairly common among intermediate learners who are just branching out into the language at large. Especially horrible with mandarin since your pronunciation is going to cause trouble though.
It’s humiliating how true everything on this site is. I had a completely shameful experience when I mentioned to a Portugese guy (who spoke fluent English and Spanish) that I could speak passable French. By passable I obviously meant “Je voudrais un baguette s’il vous plait” and “ou est la gare” etc etc but he went on to start chatting away quickly and incomprehensibly in French to me. I just gave him the stare of contempt. Smart ass.
so uptight yall are
Seemingly most Spanish speaking immigrants to the United States don’t speak any more English than your subjects speak a second language. Very few English, Irish, Scottish, Canadians, Australians, South Africans speak a second language. Very few people in general outside of the Bellalux countries, Switzerland, parts of Germany and France fluently speak second languages. This is asinine. I will now kill the person who recommended this site to me. And how eager people are to embrace their own debasement here.
Actually, a lot of people from African countries speak their native tongues and the colonial language. It’s not just Europeans. Also, a lot of Spanish-speaking immigrants come here because they are poor and cannot find jobs in their native countries. That means they probably couldn’t afford to pay for language classes..
benelux
Interesting that you mention taco stand and white people in Austin. Off of S.1st street in Austin, near the deaf school, is a huge taco place that serve out of small little “trailers” think “Taqueria”/Roach Coach. Essentially, they serve tacos there, and you can be sure it is jammed to the gills with white people. I have a sneaking suspicion that they only go there because they believe they are being culturally diverse, but still not so culturally diverse that it’s away from the comfort zone of other whites. The food isn’t that good either.
There’s loads of white people that can speak other languages. all those Spanish people tjhat can speak Spanish, all those Italians that can speak Italian, etc.
Spanish and Italians are not white. Ask any Aryian.
A-R-Y-I-A-N…..there is nothing worse than an illiterate racist white person, whose name happen to be Michael in spanish.
Uh, ironically, did Miguel-Michael say that spanish are not ARYAN (the correct spelling of the word)? Which means, that you’ve told the world that you are not white too, dumbass.
Any Italian language learner should realize the dialects in Northern, Central and Southern Italy are distinct from each other. Italian-Americans are a various diverse group from regions such as Calabria, Lombardy, Puglia, Campania and Napoli, not limited to Roma or Sicily. Oh…I wanna wish all the Italian (not white, LOL) people a happy Columbus day, dedicated the Genovese navigator who gotten lost on the way to Cathay (China), Hinda (India), Siam (Thailand) or wherever.
SI!!!
I learned italian as a child in rome and I so got told off at school years later during my O’ level italian lessons for pronouncing, for example, cinque cento as ’shinque shento’
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