Stuff White People Like

One of the best things someone can do to gain the respect and trust of a white person, is to attend a baseball game with them at Wrigley Field, the home of the Chicago Cubs. When most people think of the Chicago Cubs they think of tradition, ivy covered walls, Fergie Jenkins & Harry Caray. A more accurate representation would be khaki shorts, frat boys & rich white business men on their iphones. The 1980s television show Perfect Strangers best illustrates this point. In the opening credits, foreigner Balky Bartokomous is taken to Wrigley Field. This was more or less symbolic of what Balky had to do, to understand white America.

Ethnic person (third from left) gaining the trust of white people

Reasons why white people like Wrigley Field
1. Experiencing tradition at a high cost
2. Located on the North Side
3. Its Trendy
4. Comfortable Surroundings

1. Experiencing tradition at a high cost

The main reason why people flock to Wrigley Field each year is the fact that it is one of the few ballparks that is trapped in time. People come to experience baseball tradition (although the definition of tradition when it comes to baseball is sketchy, remember the sport did not integrate until 1947). However this tradition comes at a high cost, which white people don’t mind. On prime dates a ticket in the bleachers costs $45. But this does not deter rich white people from enjoying the “simpler things” in life. Wrigley is an old stadium where people still pee in troths, but white people love paying top dollar to do this. They also like being around “real baseball fans”, even though most of the people in the bleachers are drunk rich frat kids that aren’t from Chicago and have no idea who Ernie Banks is. Compare that to the left field pavilion in Dodger Stadium , where tickets are $11 and the people are much more fun and less irritating However the left field pavilion is generally the hispanic section which makes it less of a tourist attraction than the Wrigley bleachers (Unlike having black friends see post #14, it is not yet cool to have Hispanic friends)

2. Located on the North Side

Wrigley Field is located on the North Side of Chicago. The North side is basically the gentrified, trendy part of Chicago. Also many white people listen to Jim Croce (whom most think is black) and the perception of most non-Chicago people (the majority of Cubs fans) of the Windy city is through the song “Bad. bad, Leroy Brown”

Well the south side of chicago
Is the baddest part of town
And if you go down there
You better just beware
Of a man named leroy brown

This is one of the main reasons why people do not venture to watch the Chicago White Sox. They are located on the South Side which is viewed as the “baddest part of town” where of course black people named “Leroy” live.

3. Its Trendy

Liking the Cubs right now is trendy. They haven’t won a World Series since 1908, they are located on the North Side and celebrities like them. Bill Murray, John Cusak, and Hillary Clinton (although she flip flops between them and the Yankees) are all Cubs fans. One should keep up to date on things that are trendy in order to befriend more white people. ie) eating expensive Indian food, shopping Organic, or going on a wild rose detox. So for the upcoming season, try to know at least one player on the Chicago Cubs and defend Mark Prior at all costs

4. Comfortable Surroundings

Wrigley Field is known as the Friendly Confines and white people feel comfortable there because other than Ronnie Woo Woo, most Cubs fans are white (and we are not talking about the white people that go to White Sox games). Next to a Dave Matthews Band reunion concert, one can not find a bigger collection of khaki shorts and golf shirts than the Wrigley Bleachers. Also once a friend of mine was sitting in the bleachers next to a pretty girl with an LSU sweater. She was talking about Baton Rouge and said “I love it but I can’t stand all the n%#%%ers” TRUE STORY. What is most disturbing is the fact that she said this in such a nonchalant manner. Simply put, this individual from the south finally found a place in the North where she felt her views were acceptable. I sense that if she were sitting in the Left Field Pavallion at Dodger Stadium, she would not be so open about her true feelings.

So if you find it difficult to befriend white people, it doesn’t help to know a little something about the Cubs and to suggest a trip to Wrigley Field.