#61 Bicycles
February 10, 2008 by clander
A good place to find white people on a Saturday is at a Bike Shop. Bike shops are almost entirely staffed and patronized by white people!
But not all white people love bicycles in the same way, there is much diversity. First up, we have the younger urban white folks who absolutely love their fixed gear bicycles. These are seen all over college towns, Silverlake in LA, Williamsburg in Brooklyn, Queen West in Toronto, and Victoria, British Columbia. Fixed gear bicycles meet a lot of requirements for white person acceptance. They can be made from older (i.e. vintage) bicycles, thus allowing the rider to have a unique bike that is unlikely to be ridden by anyone else in town. They are also easily customizable with expensive things Aerospoke rims, Phil Wood Hubs, and Nitto Parts. The combination of rare bicycles and expensive parts makes it easy for white people to judge other white people on the quality and originality of their bicycles. This is important in determining if someone is or isn’t cooler than you.
White people also like Mountain Bikes because it lets them be in nature. It’s really not more complicated than that.
And finally, they love expensive Road Bikes and the accompanying spandex uniforms. This enables 
them to ride long distances and wear really tight clothes without any social stigmas. These types of riders will spend upwards of $5,000 on a bicycle and up to $400 on accessories, but will not ride to work. Perhaps because they cannot wear the spandex. It is important that you never question why someone needs a $5000 bicycle since the answer is always “performance.”
For the most part, these rules have been unisex. But there is a special category of bicycles that appeal far more to white women, the European city bike (pictured). White women have a lot of fantasies about idealized lives, and one of them is living in Europe and riding around an old city on one of these bikes. They dream about waking up and riding to a little cafe, then visiting bakeries and cheese shops and finally riding home to prepare a fancy meal for their friends who will all eat under a canopy with white Christmas lights. This information can be used to help gain the trust/admiration of a white woman, especially if you can pull off a lie about how your mother told you about how she used to do all of these things when she was younger.
And of course, it goes without saying that white people who ride bikes like to talk about how they are saving the earth. If you know a person who rides to work, you should take them aside and say “Hey, thanks. Sincerely, The Earth.” Then give a thumbs up. That white person will ride home on a cloud.
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You sure know how to fuck up a thread, dumb ass.
[...] Stuff White People Like: #61 Bicycles 20 11 2008 C’est moi, living le cliché! [...]
I’m the type of white person that doesn’t own a car because I work for a non-profit organization and can’t afford a decent ride.
Some crazy people in Seattle will pay $15 to park downtown, I’m not that crazy — I take the bus or ride the nice bike I bought this summer.
It’s a mountain bike. It’s cheap and sturdy and I can ride it around my two favorite parks as well as ride it to work. I am in the small margin of white people who don’t mind wearing spandex to work then changing once I get there.
Hey Portland,
The Buckaroo bought a bike. There was this scruffy guy on lower Burnside who sold it to me for five bucks. I found out that was a hell of a deal. In the REI store they wanted $1,500. It’s kind of neat not having to stop for stop signs, flipping off car drivers who honk at me, and giving the slip to the cops during heavy traffic. It’s so damn cool. Parking it is a blast, also. I lean it against anything so that it cuts off half of the foot traffic on the sidewalk. People get real pissed real fast, and I laugh my ass off. Yesterday I pulled in front of a cement truck that was going about forty and jumped back at the right time so I wouldn’t be hit. Blue smoke was just rolling off his tires. Damn was he mad. Plus, he must have thought he could catch a guy on a bike by running after him. Between his beer gut flopping and his fat legs going as fast as they could he almost had a heart attack. God I love that bike.
I love this blog, but it’s the reason I may be unable to tolerate moving to Portland. I’d be riding around the city and see some white person parking their bike in front of a yoga studio and chatting with a friend about something they heard on NPR and fall off my bike laughing because EVERYONE IS SOOOOOOO WHITE.
Seriously, Christian Lander is dead on about how complacent and self-serving a group of people can be who in theory despise both of those things, and it’s about time someone harped on that in a self-depricating and ironic way. This type of delivery is the only one that works in the long run because it aggravates liberal guilt.
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