#98 The Ivy League
May 6, 2008 by clander
The Ivy League is expensive, exclusive, located in the North East, and features beautiful old buildings. All of these things are beloved by white people so logically it would seem that they all love the Ivy League. But this is not true!
White people have a tortured relationship with the Ivy Leagues, and if you broach the subject in the wrong way you can offend and even anger a white person.
But before getting into the more nuanced aspects of the subject, it’s important to know that all white people believe they have the intelligence and work ethic required to attend an Ivy League school. The only reason they did not actually go to one is that they chose not to participate in the “dog and pony show” required to gain acceptance. White people also like to believe that they were not born into a privileged (enough) family to get legacy admission. This should always be at the back of your mind as you talk to a white person about the Ivy League.
Once you have determined that a white person did not attend an Ivy League School, you should try to give them the opportunity to explain why their school was actually a superior educational experience. Some easy ways to do this are to mention grade inflation, professors who value research over teaching, or high tuition costs. Any one of these will set a white person off on a multi-minute rant.
When they have finally run out of arguments about why they chose the right school, you should say “I knew a whole bunch of people who went to Harvard and none of them work as hard or are as smart as you.” This is a very effective technique for gaining acceptance since white people need constant reassurance that they are smart and that they made the right choice with their life.
If you actually went to an Ivy League school, you will been seen as a threat so prepare for a lot of questions from white people. They will constantly ask questions about how much work you had, the type of students at the school, the professors, your dorm room, your reading lists, and they will try so hard to figure out your SAT score. They desperately need a source of comparison so that they need to figure out if you are actually smarter than them. In fact, the only way to stop this line of questioning is to imply that you only got in because of your minority status. Once you say that, white people will stop feeling threatened since they can now believe they too would have been accepted to an Ivy League school if they were a minority. It also gives them a personal story about the effectiveness of Affirmative Action.
White people also like to call their school “The Harvard of the <insert region or conference>”. Do not challenge this, it will ruin their confidence.
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The Ivy League is an opportunity to get a cutting edge education. It does not mean that everyone in an Ivy does. Many just get as drunk as possible to erase any permanent trace of feelings of ineptitude. The faculty are brilliant, and while their knowledge is not easily accessible, it is truly worthwhile to invest time in acquiring it. Since when have worthwhile things been easy to find? The Ivy League insures that its acceptances are geared toward people who are most likely to take advantage of the resources offered. Rare books, brilliant faculty, generally well learned student body, and above all, the challenge of learning to survive in a group of highly capable, highly motivated people. They Ivy league teaches people incredible work ethics. Even the laziest student pulls frequent all nighters. This isn’t a country club…it’s a school.
For the record. The Ivy I go to has grade deflation. Good luck to us who are competing against other Ivies with hyper inflated grades.
We also have to deal with the double edged sword of knowing that even telling people where we go to school could lead to the potential loss of a love interest or mistreatment at the hands of an insecure boss.
The listed things are too true for words.
i have a friend who calls her school an “public ivy” and insists that people only gets into ivies bc they’re mexican.
oh white people…
I went to Harvard. I’m smarter than all of you non-Ivy Leaguers. I’m sorry that you guys aren’t good enough to get into my school. Maybe if you tried harder… or, were smarter.
Too bad all that expensive Ivy League education can’t teach them the basics of life.
I had an aunt who graduated from Cornell…She was a snob and nobody liked her. And when she died, nobody cared.
My other aunt only made it to the 8th grade….She showed so much love to everyone. And when she died the whole town cried.
yeah, i agree. i’m actually an Ivy Leaguer and HATED my entire four years there. i just stayed to please my ultra conservative parents, who raised me with ultra-white values (think Barack Obama).
i thought they were the biggest bunch of ignorant snots. the only thing that set them apart from other non-ivy leaguers who are just as smart, was that they thought they deserved the entire world and knew everything from their VERY narrow little box!!! (they didn’t even know what a filipino looked like… lol) the experience wasn’t entirely horrible. the research was cutting edge, all my professors didn’t know how to teach but were leaders in their respective fields, and the ENTIRE student population was really smart…and were not insecure in the least.
but yeah, i agree, most everyone was competitive and did not care that much (though many did, but it didn’t rank as high as being god’s gift to humanity) about being a human being. instead of a fun college experience, it was a club of super snots who could never acknowledge they were snots least they’d have to accept other lesser-beings (non-ivy leaguers) as actually being worth their time.
the thought was that, you were good enough to get in, so you’ll be good enough to survive and deal with my mudslinging, grandiose, overbearing ego. I suppose there are trade-offs to everything… the best ranked, also means the worst humans…just look at Lehman Brothers.
Now, I like most of the things on your list and I’m African-american! Does this mean that I’m not black? Does it mean that I’m trying to be white? I don’t like hip-hop (except for old school) and I do listen to and enjoy classical music. You know, I am mixed though. Maybe my “white” heritage is taking precedent as I get older. I ate asparagus two days in a row. When I asked my mom why we didn’t eat it when we were younger, she said…”Uhh…hmm..asparagus was…too expensive for ‘us’”. I was like…ohhh..okay…that’s another way of saying black people don’t eat asparagus.
This is a very funny blog. I’ve been laughing even up til now. I found this site because I was researching Ivy League schools lol!
You forgot something though…white people like following the stock market and volunteering. I didn’t see that on your list lol!
this was so great! I go to the Ivy of Troy NY, RPI hahaha. I would have went to Cornell or Columbia, except the whole thing about them being extremely selective. So what if I am not cream of the crop? At least RPI has a 3:1 guy to girl ratio. Take that Dartmouth! Rensselaer is like the butthole of the top 50…. I have heard happier stories come out of state prison. “Well, atleast I got some booty.” YES I SAID IT! The only was you are getting pussy at Rensselaer is if you work part time as animal control in Troy. Shit for 53K a year you better be working somewhere. God knows our parents aren’t Ivy league legacies, so we cant afford the finer things in life, like tuition. I once heard some one describe RPI as the Elimidate of tier 1 schools. Even Union College makes fun of us, and they are all have a gram-a-day coke habit. SUNY Albany parties until there is no more herpes to go around. Even the community colleges look down upon us. RPI, the best of the best, ask Dr. Jackson!
Damn right!… RPI is sexless… Matt…that’s why you have to go to Sunny Albany’s parties, Siena college, blah, blah… there are a lot of schools in the area that compensate the lack of ** in RPI.
Still RPI is considered as a new IVY by BusinessWeek, and Dr. Jackson has a reputation difficult to match, even posted on MIT’s board.
Go red!
Hey you RPI student. I never even heard of that school! See, are you white? White people always know about things that are totally unknown by black folks….at least where I’m from anyway. I wish I could’ve went to your school you lucky *beep* lol! Your school has a better website than the most of the Ivy league schools. That’s important to vain people like myself. I mean…have you seen Browns’ website? It’s actually Brown. I mean…that was not creative at all. They need to spice it up a bt. Anyway. I thought I’d comment because you were downing your school eventhough it’s actuall a very very very good school according to the research ie google. Congrats!
http://andthisismyamerica.com/2008/11/05/something-to-take-your-mind-off-of-all-the-politics/
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