The Stuff White People Like contest received over 685 entries! Unfortunately, narrowing that field down to three winners proved to be too difficult and the decision was made to award the prize to five people with each of the winning entries to be posted this week.
Each winner will receive a copy of Stuff White People Like, and the top three entries will receive a DVD of The Onion Movie because they sent in three copies to be given away.
Thank you to every person who submitted an entry, the response was incredible.
Congratulations Mark Huber of Roxbury Crossing, MA for sending in the first winning entry:
Menus with no decimal places
You can always spot the chic white person as they sit in the padded seats of a nice quaint, posh restaurant staring at the menus. When the other person asks, “What are you having tonight, James?” the reply can often be found to be, “I’m having the Lobster Pillows with Crab Demi-Glaze. It’s only 12.″ That’s right, white people have grown to love restaurants with such advanced math calculations as getting rid of those pesky decimals and something that is more aesthetically pleasing to our eyes and pocketbooks.
Menu prices with decimals seem to confuse the white person in recent times, making one wonder, “Where should I round up or down to get an accurate price?!” With the invention of dropping decimals from menus, white people have solved the problem for themselves. Tax? No problem. Jane, who works in auditing, sitting across the table, has long had all applicable taxes calculated for you upon entering through the door.
Most of these restaurants, save McDonald’s, are posh up-scale restaurants with abstract names or hardly even names at all. “M,” “The Lavender Chateau,” and “Rendezvous 387″ are a few of the restaurants white people can count on for easy math, a tasty dinner, and of course, other white people. Don’t forget to look at the tapas menu: those items are only 3! Would you like to upgrade your aged prime-rib to the 12oz. portion? Sure, no problem, it’s only a 4 increase! If decimals were thrown into the mix, it would throw the entire equilibrium out of balance.
Plaza Greens for $5.99, or Plaza Greens for 6? Throw the nines in mix and that’s way too many numbers for any white mind to deal with. Even Jane in auditing would have to break out her financial calculator.
Photo by Prosto Photos
Stuff White People Like 
Well done Mark, A great unique entry… Very Humorous..
Chris
Second that!
Oh, man, I have a “gourmet hamburger restaurant” in my neighbourhood (they make excellent fancy-ass poutine) that uses traditional fractions on their menu. This burger is 8 1/2 dollars! This milkshake is 2 3/4! I have no idea what the point of this is. I -do- live in a predominantly white area, though, so maybe it’s some kind of halfass catering to this desire.
Good job, Mark, a very keen observation.
I’ve often wondered who restaurants/shops are still trying to fool with their $X.99 pricing system. Are there still people in this world who don’t know how to round up?
Seriously, what’s the point of pricing menu items at x.99?
Does anyone else think think this entry sucks? There’s a reason clander got a book deal. He can actually write.
Nice one. I find dollar and cents signs to be superfluous as well.
I didn’t like it at all. On his worst days, clander buries this shit.
Sorry, just not as funny as usual. Blah.
How was the entry the winner? It wasn’t even funny.
I mean, Kudos on getting your readers involved but we’re no Christian Lander. Whoever wrote this sucks.
Indeed. I also find the word ‘superfluous’ to be superfluous. “A lot”? “Too much”?
“it’s only a 4 increase!” was funny. Otherwise, meh.
Well, I liked it.
Blah…I’m hoping this was the bottom of the top five. Usually I find myself nodding my head and laughing on the inside. I think this time I just looked lost and confused. This was a sad day.
I think white people get jealous when they don’t win. 🙂
Ahem: The title ought to read “Menus without decimals.” Why white people always fuck up grammar by saying “with no” rather than “without” is beyond me. Remember: “with” implies possession; use it correctly.
I was waiting for the hate parade to begin! This entry is actually pretty funny.
So your entry wasn’t posted…boo hoo.
Awww…..Not a bad attempt, but my complaint is that the last entry by C. lander was about ‘menus and grammer’…..why repeat the subject with ‘menus without decimals’ ???? That just seems way to boring and repetitive, and annoying. Nah, they’re way too similiar. Better luck next time.
I wonder if they let you know you won first, or just are posting winning entries? Anyone know?
This really explains why white people recoil at the 99-cent value menu on fast-food menus.
Meh indeed. Not too funny, really. Not that I could do better, but it really isn’t that great.
clander, no disrespect, but this was actually better than some of your material as of late
very funny!
boring…
Yes. Yes they are.
That’s why restaurants do it.
No matter how rational you are, when you see $9.99 your subconscious tells you: “Well, at least it’s not over $10!”
this beat mine?! SHENANIGANS!
ok we get it. whitey is anal retentive.
That’s because only The Wrong Kind Of White People eat off value menus. There is no vegetarian/vegan fare, the animals that form the meat products were not free range, there are no low-fat/low-carb alternative menu choices, and the staff is enslaved by greedy corporate executives that only pay minimum wage.
I see that I’m not the only one thinking “what the hell is this” …… LOL.
http://Blog-AroundHarlem.com
This entry sucked.
LOL agreed.
could be a little bit better written, but I agree with this entry whole-heartedly. kudos on the choice!!!
“Plaza Greens for $5.99 or Plaza Greens for 6? Throw the nines in mix and that’s way too many numbers for any white mind to deal with.”
That doesn’t work, as the purpose of these articles is to portray white intelligence not as inferior but simply as skewed, backwards or hypocritical. Should read something more like
“Plaza Greens for $5.99 or Plaza Greens for 6? Throw the nines in mix and this suddenly becomes a menu item at Arby’s, Red Lobster or Applebee’s. In the white mind, such faux-restaurants are only one or two tiers above the high school cafeteria.”
wasn’t too funny… hope i am one of the remaining four 😀
correction: way “too” boring.
This really was a terrible entry. The writing here usually has a glib, well intentioned, informative ring to it. This one was just mean spirited and dumb. I’m a black guy who lives in Brooklyn and I winced when I got to the part that said “white mind”.
Plus the fact that they had to throw in that fast food joints completely debunk the premise takes the mojo right out of the entire entry.
SWPL, be careful when outsourcing your product…
HAHA, I chortled out loud at this! Great job, Mark. Too true. I’m going to head over to Dove to get crunk with my crew… PBR’s are only 2 before the dinner rush. Seriously.
Dunno. I’m hoping that the posting on the Website is the announcement that you’ve won.
Doesn’t work. First, comma usage errors. One of the blog’s previous posts mentioned “grammar’ or maybe “punctuation” as SWPL; satire’s skilfulness involves doing the thing being critisised (Borat, Swift), and so poor grammar comes off (here) as a kind of shot-from-the-outside.
Second, the whole edifice of SWPL rests on a kind of super-cheeriness; you can’t actually be critical (directly) ie by saying “the white mind can’t calculate.”
It all comes down to editing– the idea is spot-on in that it sees SWPL as essentially class criticism– but style, ironically, is almost everything. Hopefully clander will run the editing past a few others.
haha im with ya =P
but i like the entry. even if i think this one getting posted makes me an auto-winner hehe =)
nice work mark! and congratz!
This method of pricing is also used in some parts of Europe. White people like anything remotely European.
So am I, but I guess we’ll see …
Don’t you mean criticized?
The article missed the point of what I think of as “Fashion” prices. The real idea is to get a really big nouvelle price in there and make it seem itty bitty.
27 is ever so small an easy to swallow compared to $27.00.
Sweet catch Mark. That minimal menu thing is soooo overpackaged eh? Have you seen menus where they just list the main ingredients of the dish without any adjectives, like this: salmon endive chevre pink peppercorn.
Usually all lowercase too, how lame is that?
on a similar note: I think I know where the decimals went. They went out and took over the dashes from our phone numbers.
I was really hoping that my entry would be a winner, but now I’m terrified! White people don’t like criticism.
you got an email that told you if you were one of the winners asking for your address and how you would like to be credited. hopefully you guys like my entry on statistics =)
this was shockingly BAD (not funny AND unfamiliar–and I live in Brookline, MA: white people central!!!)
I sincerely hope the other winning entries are drastically better; it makes one wonder: are the people who run this blog beginning to soften the perspective now that they have the book deal; is there some incentive to make this a little “lighter” for the white people?
who knows; to the bloggers: please don’t ruin this blog; keep it at least a little controversial, that’s what makes it good
You should post the top hundred or so entries just for laughs. It would be cool to see what other people (non-winners included!) had to say.
I was seriously let down by this entry. I had high expectations, since there were over 600 applicants, but if this was in the top five, then I shudder to think what the others looked like. And, at the risk of exposing my whiteness, there were several grammatical errors that I noticed that detracted from the already dismal article. There is a reason that C. Lander writes this blog, and we all don’t.
(And I didn’t submit an entry, so this isn’t jealousy talking.)
This entry sucks. I was seriously disappointed by the entire article. The blog normally has an informative, anthropological ring to it, and it is satirical and witty. This entry was condescending and ignorant. “White mind”? Seriously? That wasn’t clever and funny, but rather was just harsh and offensive. It completely missed the mark of being judgmental without the judgement, if that makes any sense… I hope clander gets back to blogging regularly, and keeps the amateurs out.
Man, most of you jealous white people sure are a bunch of pills.
The hell it is. It blows. Who the fuck cares about the decimal places in menus? Who’s ever heard ANYBODY talk about that? AND, how many goddamn posts about menus are we going to have to read?
this article was a total let down. i waited all weekend for the winner. i know, i’m lame, but so was this article
the violation of this entry isn’t its quality (which I will leave to each reader to evaluate him/herself), it’s that it doesn’t follow the formula
Okay, White People like menus without decimal places, but how can Not-White People use this secret info to better their lives amongst the WP?
Mark Huber sucks pickles and is the wrong kind of white person who cannot write a coherent thought. BOOOOOOO.
Aw, maaaaan…
take them to restaurants without decimal places.
Well said.
What an incredibly bitter, contemptuous, contemptible article. More to the point, how erroneous.
Integer prices are popular at hip restaurants because they are aesthetically understated, elegantly brief, and suggest that the customer is neither cheap enough to worry about saving a penny or five, nor dumb enough to be fooled by trick prices like $6.99.
Respondents here have noted that the article is written by an outsider, and it’s true. They clearly lack the class background to understand the targets of their ridicule.
You’re pathetic, Huber.
YES. You hit the freaking nail on the head, my friend.
When I read that section of the post I thought exactly the same thing!
What white person can’t deal with extra numbers, I mean, how many black accountants do you know?
Yeah, there are no competitive black athletes. Give me a break!
HATE.
If I had known that the winning entries would be this poor in quality I would have written one myself.
I agree. It could have been funny. Unfortunately the humor missed the mark. The negative critics are not jealous. The article simply lacked the basis in reality in order to be funny.
Yeah, this wasn’t a great one. Maybe C Lander wants to show how superior his own writing is in order to hawk more copies of the book. Or maybe he just appreciated the novelty of this one. I mean you have to admit, nobody here was expecting that item to appear and it didn’t make any of your would-be lists.
I didn’t submit an item, but now I wish I did. It would be entitled, “White People Like To Talk About Phasing Out the Penny”. I thought it would be too esoteric, but after seeing this one, I realize anything goes!
I was sort of familiar with this trend, but it didn’t grab me with the “Oh, that’s me all over!” sort of knee-slapping hilarity of some of the previous blogs…But still congrats to the winner. They’re can only be one!
This is not funny at all.
Totally agree. I thought the headline was hilarious, but the execution completely diverts from the theme of the blog.
You’re crazy. This is the worst item ever posted to this blog.
Idiot.
I agree. The headline was really funny, but the article should have focused on white people loving hip, trendy menus instead of wanting to simplify their math and save money.
It ended up not being about the type of white people this blog lampoons.
What are you, some kind of fucking moron? Clander, don’t listen to this jealous little bitch. Keep doing YOUR thing, and don’t post any more of these fucking contest loser rejects.
mike – Thank you! Well said!
Killer edit, Mike.
Clander, I hope you’re not just posting shit so that your posts look even better. Is THAT what you’re doing?
It’s gotta be better than this one.
If he is, he’s doing a great job. It’s working. My appreciation for clander’s humor is skyrocketing.
Yep, this entry was completely a waste of time to read. LAME and not funny at all.
Hope this is the reaction he was going for, because it seems to be quite popular.
Awesome comment! Loved it
White people like trashing entries written by lesser minds.
Jesus…. I agree with a lot of the statements here, but your comment out-smugs them all (yeah, I know that’s not a word). Hopefully you’ll get a life before it’s too late.
I agree completely. There had to be a better entry than this shite. HATED IT!
http://stuffgodhates.wordpress.com/
Did you ever notice white guys rate chicks in whole numbers, 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Never heard of a chick that’s 8.732343 did you. Women on the other hand rate men in binary 0=No I won’t, 1= Yes I would, again with no middle ground.
I think my loser was more in the spirit of SWPL than this one but I can’t fault Mark for his entry. He gave it his best shot & was picked as a winner fair & square. Congrats!
My entry was a little weak right from the get-go for the simple reason I am NOT the right kind of White Person & therefore my satirical skills are not up to par with Clander when he mocks his peers.
Cee knows of where he speaks. Me…? Not so much.
Anyway, tomorrow I will post my losing entry somewhere in the comments & I challenge other losers to do the same.
Let the Hoi Polloi decide for themselves.
Congratulations, David!
This should be posted as the next entry (#104):
Stuff White People Like: Being Financially Independent, Motivated, Socially Conscious, Community Oriented, Law-Abiding, Well Mannered, and Not Being a Burden on Society. In other words, what it generally takes to contribute to a productive society.
Unlike most minorities.
Everything in this post was spelled checked and has proper grammar. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, whitey.
what a shame…out of 650 entries you’ve found and awarded the worst entry ever.
Umm.. ” Unline most minorities.” is a fragment.
Smoke that.
“Throw the nines in mix and that’s way too many numbers for any white mind to deal with.”
Right, the race that invented calculus can’t quite match the legendary numeracy of the blacks, the mestizos, the polynesians, the aborigines, the etc., etc.
Butthead. Removing the .99 from the price is actually a good thing. Women know what I’m talking about: girlfriend orders the $10.99 sandwich then when the bill comes pulls out a tenner and asks if that’s enough, as if taxes and tip and the .99 don’t exist.
I thought this was horrible, just not good.
Unfunny, not necessarily true, and not even applicable to the neo-hippie dippie, self-righteous educated lefties who seem to generally be the target of this blog. Also, insufficiently sarcastic, not satirical. There HAD to be better entries.
Ya’ll are haters! I like this entry — I think it’s BRILLIANT. I live in a small town — we haven’t got any fancy restaurants like that here, but it’s damn funny because it’s so true. White people like to OVER analyze things — so simplifying something like prices is a good thing for them.
funny or not, I still got posted and a free book out of it 😛
Absolutely..this is the worst SWPL article I have read so far. It looks as if it was written in haste to meet a deadline, not by someone who put a lot of effort in to win a prize. If that is truly the case, the selection committee needs a complete revamping.
The article is full of misspellings, gramatical errors, and occasionally a sentence that reads like it was translated to English by someone who doesn’t speak the language. Not to mention, the subject is not even funny.
Bad choice.
I agree. A lot of people seem mad that their entry didn’t get chosen. Obviously this entry was original and the site decided that it was among the best.
It’s annoying to see 20 comments saying ” I could have written better.”
Well then, you should have.
Jerk.
anyone else wince at the grammar error in the first sentence?
hint: “person” “they”
haha .. don’t listen to the other comments. they’re just mad that they didnt get chosen .. good job !
You picked this piece of crap?
Cut. Print. Gay.
You suck Huber.
ok we get it. smh
A very deserving winner — as soon as I read the headline, I cracked a smirk and knew the entry would be good.
Alas, the entry wasn’t as funny as Clander’s writing, but that shouldn’t surprise me. The line about “that’s only a 4 increase” or whatever was very clever.
Clander should re-mix this draft version and publish a final one 🙂
I bet Timothy finds the wrinkles in his old ass balls amusing too.
“The race that invented calculus”??? Are you KIDDING ME? Yeah, white people invented calculus if you’re calling 1800 B.C. Egyptians ‘white’ people. smh
Even more than whole numbers, white people like menus with the numbers spelled out – not ‘blood orange salad 9’, but ‘blood orange salad, nine’. Better yet, nine AND A HALF. When white people get to use fractions casually during the day, it makes them feel hip and trendy, and the lack of numerals doesn’t intrude on the aesthetics of the line. Plus, with the proliferation of white liberal arts graduates, white people are generally more comfortable around letters than they are numbers. White people also feel much more comfortable when the entire menu is written in lower case letters. Despite their documented love of grammar, a white person simply loves the look of uncapitalized text.
Where can I can tapas for 3? That’s a good deal.
http://www.twowhiteboys.com/2008
i don’t relate to this at all. i come here to laugh at “it’s funny because it’s true” entries. oh well. this entry was also more of an insult than a joke. other ones are more light-hearted jabs. thumbs down.
This one was pretty dumb.
You can find much better things to criticize. This invention has been nice. Who wants $12.95 instead of just $13?
This piece of crap was the winner?
Stop blaming the writer. It’s not his fault he lacks true whiteness. Invite him to your party anyway, just like you do that other-culture person. You’ll look extra-white by comparison.
Do that many people know someone from Auditing? I’ve never met anyone from Auditing.
I have to say that was a soory post.. i have been to some upscale restaruants owned by a few black musical talents.. one of the richest men in the hip hop world, and his menu was without the dots …… this is grabbing at straws…there are so many more rich targets.. like Arts and Crafts festivals.. nothing better to get the CRUNCHY WHITEYs out and talk about the good ol days when Gerry G was still alive.. now there is a great one.. Another.. Climing into trees to protest the environment issue de jour.. That is a uniqulely white event.. these people sit in trees for weeks..they use themselves for a potty no less. UGGGG.. show me one black man or woman that is crazy enought to do that!!
Sorry, this one is lame.
yawn.
So, prior to the contest the site was about humor…now it’s a contest to see who’s whiter than the other?
Welcome to the death of a cool site!
“her financial calculator”
…….as opposed to her calculator that just handles ordinary numbers with decimal points?
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0001EMLZW/ref=pd_cp_e_1?pf_rd_p=250314601&pf_rd_s=center-41&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B00000JZKB&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=07RQQ0JXZVBBHG1CX64B
you did get posted and a free book. BUT — your getting posted is no reward, as the entire world now knows you’re NOT AT ALL FUNNY, and as for the free book, well, whatever — I’d rather not demonstrate my lack of humor, sensitivity, and poor mastery of the English on the internet for the world to see, and instead pay $20 to buy my own book. And oh yeah, only the bad kind of white people — the ones who couldn’t get more inspiring jobs saving the world or whose parents aren’t rich enough to let them be hipsters — have jobs where they regularly encounter people from “auditing.”
this guy did posted and won a free book. BUT — his getting posted is no reward, as the entire world now knows you’re NOT AT ALL FUNNY, and as for the free book, well, whatever — I’d rather not demonstrate my lack of humor, sensitivity, and poor mastery of the English on the internet for the world to see, and instead pay $20 to buy my own book. And oh yeah, only the bad kind of white people — the ones who couldn’t get more inspiring jobs saving the world or whose parents aren’t rich enough to let them be hipsters — have jobs where they regularly encounter people from “auditing.
http://www.bls.gov/oco/ocos001.htm
We’re getting audited next week at my company…every company I’ve worked for companies does, so I’ve met quite a few.
i’m pretty sure the point was that trying to pay your dinner tab is not as complicated as calculating your interest rate return…
….oh yeah. and that your post isn’t funny. or well written.
Menus? Menus are for people who eat in restaurants. Lately I’ve only eaten carry-out, if I’ve eaten out at all.
But if you want to see stuff this Brazilian white woman likes, look here: http://www.escrevalolaescreva.blogspot.com
(nothing porn, sorry to disappoint).
Yeah. I have to agree with the majority. This one is pretty weak. A white person who knows someone “from auditing” is probably one of the wrong kinds of white people. Most likely the kind that thinks of Dilbert as “edgy” and wears belts with suspenders. The right kind of white person understands exactly how lame those things are, and prefers more progressive company.
If there isn’t any porn, I’m not going there.
I only discovered the phenomenon of the decimal-less menu last weekend, and never once did it occur to me that it might be a White People thing. While I would imagine that yes, White People are going to be far more likely to order off a decimal-less menu than other folks, I don’t think the idea fits in so well with all the other White People stuff that Clander has documented so well on this blog.
As a white person, I have to say…. what?
This was lame.
this is true. However, I eat in “up scale” restaurants often and still “huh”ed at this 😛 Perhaps I’m now “white” enough…
not*
Nope, I’m white enough. I can’t leave a typo…
Over 600 entries and this was a winner? Sad.
I think the author had a good concept but was wrong in how he chose to write the piece. All of the previous posts are written as instructions in describing what white people like & how to integrate yourself into their society. This piece, unfortunately, was more of a rant against the topic rather than support for it. He had some interesting points, such as the odd names of restaurants (there’s a few like that in my city) & the concept of the single digit price. Unfortunately, to me, that’s about all there was. Hopefully the four other winners will be written in the spirit of the blog. And yes, I submitted an entry myself, so I am a little disappointed that this one might beat me out.
Mediocre and badly written. He used the word restaurant three times in two sentences, for god’s sake. It doesn’t take a thesaurus to figure out a good alternative. Not to mention that this is the first post on this site about something that I’ve neither seen nor heard about in some way shape or form.
You should have chosen ‘discovering hip restaurants,’ or something along those lines, and had the decimal thing be just one of many aspects that could make a given locale appealing to white people. I would think that a more important thing to the right kind of white people would be finding a good restaurant that wasn’t already populated by tons of those same kinds of white people, as reportedly these ‘decimal free’ places are from birth.
Seriously, not only was it lacking whittiness, but the whole concept blew a fat sac
it’s only one of five winners, 4 TBD
re-lax
not to mention:
The reply can often be found to be “I’m having the Lobster Pillows with Crab Demi-Glaze. It’s only 12″.
Improper punctuation, clearly the writer is the wrong kind of white person. Case closed.
So we have to wait the rest of the week to know if we won or not? Or were the winners already contacted?
What I wrote was a lot funnier than that winner.
So is the rest of this blog.
look at all of the white people pointing out the mistakes in the article. weird…
No.
This isn’t remotely funny or relatable to the average white person.
This is lame. It is a point of face that white people love decimal places, hence the pride in being able to name up to 10 places of pi. The one to two cents below the whole makes them feel like they are just spending a little bit less and, err go, getting a better deal.
Dude, this is too funny. Where do you come up with this stuff?
I have one:
White people like making fun of contest winners.
I thought this was funny. Written differently than Lander’s but perhaps that’s the point of the contest. And yes, I have been to some “white” restaurants where cosmopolitans are 9
Congrats to Mark.
Probably the most poorly written article on here.
I suppose it has value in making one appreciate clander’s efforts a lot more.
jealous, no?
The topic has so much potential, but the execution was awful, really, truly awful, in so many ways, all already well documented by others. I was really looking forward to reading the winning entries. What a huge disappointment.
With over 600 entries, maybe clander made his choices just based on the titles, because that was the ONLY good thing about this entry.
Unless they like Dilbert and wear suspenders in an ironic way, then they are the Right Kind of White People.
It does kinda blow. White people are very smart, how hard is it to round up to 6 for you calculations? 5.99, 15.95, 10.99, The extra numbers are there because white people put them there. The restaurant owner makes the dish 10.99 instead of 11 because 10 is smaller then 11 and 10.99 makes the dish sound less expensive then saying 11. If its 11, then why not 10? A whole number seems to be easier to bargain down from, but a number like 10.99, what are you going to say, “can I get it for 10.87?” If this is the winner, im dissapointed. Im sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, but ive seen way better ideas in the comments.
Its not that his writing was bad, it was fine, but the idea was crap. I dont think the anyone really cares aout decimals, unless your a complete retard and can only do calculations in your head without decimals. If thats the case, the Wrong Kind Of White Person!
Im sure there are some in Atlanta, I mean who else will do it? Not many Jews in Atlanta, so the people there have to be self sufficient.
When I read the article in the paper I knew this bitch was white
Seems to me they are trying to get out of doing as much work as possible. White people love outsourcing. Thats why we have “gardeners” who are actually just “grass cutters”. You know what would have been a great entry idea, white people love to make job titles sound more important. Instead of secretary, its Executive Assistant, or instead of cashier, its Retail Sales Coordinator. Bullshit crap like that would have been a better entry.
This won? I was too lazy to write an article, but now I’m thinking that I should have. The concept had potential, but this article was terrible.
Worst thing to have been posted on this blog yet.
We are not jealous, we are educated, and there is a difference. We expect published material to be free from errors and have some sort of fluidity with the other posts, and this one falls dead on it’s face.
METO! I probably would have written one, if this is what I was up against.
yeah, this was pretty bad. what’s worse, though, is that it’s a complete grammatical abortion. christ almighty, man. Strunk & White is only a few bucks on Amazon…get on it.
We have to have pennys and I will tell you why. We need them to throw into fountains. We need them to put on train tracks to make artwork. We need them for dradle. We need them to throw on the ground when we want to empty our pockets. We need them to spin when we are bored. We need them to throw at people heads then look away for sheer pleasure. We need them to throw off buildings. We need them so we can turn them into dollars at Coinstar. We need them check the wear on our tires. We need them so children will know who lincoln was. We need them for out children to use at school for counting. We need them for commercials to show how cleaning products work on a dirty pennies. I guess we also use them to buy stuff with, but thats about it.
Actually I think it was the Arabs in the middle ages who invented it. Im a super white.
I wonder if a lot of the best articles submitted were on topics that are already going to be in the book. Or maybe now they will be. You are a clever man, Mr. Lander.
Clander picked this one just so he could laugh at all these hilarious comments! They’re so, like, WHITE!!!
Joke’s on you!
Yep. My thoughts too.
Driving Miss Daisy was about jews.
“meanspirited and dumb”
don’t you mean 50% of US violent crimes committed by 13% of the US population (blacks)?
wtf is “mojo”?
Whites used to make money and take pride in things, now these loser poseur liberals are living a slow burn to a Third World lifestyle and they barely see it or notice it.
Go drink your swill for $2. Go buy used clothes. Chinese are getting off their bikes, and you dorks can’t afford a car.
Embarrassing.
fascism = European/White
communism = Semitic/Jew
democracy = White
ML: FYI, Brookline is Heeb central, not White. Come on already, will you? Please.
LOL!!! Coinstar is totally Negro. They use it most. They are clueless about the 7% fee that is subtracted.
Taking coins to a bank to be counted (a 0% fee) is White.
good post dee bag. Not only are you right, you have a good attitude about Whites. Cheers!
douche bag, Isaac Newton invented calculus.
AND HEAR ME: this constant jew-worship over “Einstein” is certainly over the top, considering the fact that the achievement of Calculus is the far more incredible one.
It’s also been of far more use to mankind than has relativity (which other than satellite positioning, I don’t know of any other actual uses of it).
Oh, except Oppenheimer (another jew) that is responsible for the “atomic bomb”. Yeah great contribution, einstein.
Newton and Leibniz both invented independently, and pretty much simultaneously.
Mega-dittos.
This blows bone.
The book was undoubtedly printed before this contest began given its distribution date. Surely that was done sometime last month. So, this one won’t be in it (unless you all choose to print it out and staple it into your private editions, but that’s between you and your god).
But, I think you’re on to something in that the winning five here were probably chosen because they were on such unexpected topics that even Mr. Lander himself, in his capacity as the all-knowing expert on white people, didn’t even consider. They were probably chosen because they weren’t in the book.
Perhaps some of the people losing sleep over their entries losing out to the above should think about whether they wrote about something obvious enough to actually already be in the book. In that case, he wouldn’t post your effort, with his own take on the subject already in there.
I say good on Lander for opening up the door a bit and giving the fans of this site a bit of the spotlight.
PS — I vote for an honorary mention for the guy who wrote the “In defence of the penny” comment above.
Luv your work!
“And the winner is………NOT YOU!” The comments to Menus with no decimal places are just as funny as the winning piece and it is funny.
What a bunch of whiney dolts, they need to line up and get their money back instead of complaining.
So, all you disappointed folks please line up alphabetically by height and you will be served in chronological order by skin color, white people first of course.
I didn’t enter the contest, so I’m not mad about losing. This one still sucks.
Driving Miss Daisy was about Jews ?
Sheesh. I thought it was about joining AAA.
what’s whiter? missing decimal places on menus? or people who give a crap?
this article completely missed the mark.
A restaraunt without loud, obnoxious black people? Sign me up!
it is not supposed to appeal to the “average” white person.
I do. It is as dumb as they come. White people are running out of things to distinguish themselves as white people. Come on cracker butts, get with it.
Your comment as well as this one is superfluous. I’m just fucking bored as usual when I take a peak at this site.
Idiot
What the fuck were you listening to
I won, I won, yippie skippy, I won, I fucking won. Screw the rest of you, I won.
Compared to clander’s entries, this one is pretty poorly written, even if it’s kind of astute. Thumbs down.
wittiness + whiteness = whittiness?
Arts and Crafts festivals? I think that’s the “wrong kind” again. Antique Road Show maybe (well, some time ago anyway. Like back when Ms Butterfly was sitting in a tree).
Stuff White People Like:
Assuming they will win every contest they enter.
Yes! Now THAT is true!
YES. Please someone post a corrected copy of this draft.
Yeah, that white person wannabe comment was already posted elsewhere. You’d rather not demonstrate your lack of humor AND instead pay $20 to buy your own book? No worries -it’s only going to be one or the other.
Now THAT was funny.
maybe you could start your own, more literal site that makes fun of black people. This one, if it’s escaped you, is for making fun of white people (in a good-natured kind of way).
This white person is sharing your white pain. White people are afraid of being excluded.
This white person is jealous of David.
made sense to me.
what would be soothing to me and make everything right with my world again: post this winning entry covered in all manner of red marking and editing symbols. I can feel my heart rate stabilizing just by visualizing it.
I figured it out too late. Everyone’s ignoring you and I’m ruining it.
a peak?
Yes, everyone who doesn’t like this post is jealous. It’s obvious. That must be it. There are no valid reasons for not liking this post. None. Not even one. They are all just jealous. All of them. Every last one of ’em. Jealous.
If this entry was the best what was the worst?
The absence of the decimals on the white person’s menu can also be attributed to the fact that white people consider themselves to be marketing savvy and won’t fall for the aesthetically pleasing, yet obvious trickery associated with a $5.99 plate of Plaza Greens. A white person applauds themselves with the fact that they know to round up and not down.
this post is bad
nice pun, i see what you did there
Yet by your comment, you succeed in demonstrating your lack of humor or sensitivity, and your mediocre grasp of the English language.
Plus, you still have no free book.
Way to go, you.
i’m gonna have to say the writing was pretty bad too
Look, do I think my post was better? Sure. I bet each of us does.
But Mark was selected. Whatever beef I have with apparently not being chosen, I have to at least acknowledge that. Christian liked his better than mine (and yours).
Good for you, Mark. Congrats.
i just imagined it too, and all the anger i’ve built up reading the comments is fading. thank you.
The right kind of White person does not prefer progressive company, since it is anti-White and destructive to the entire idea of “White” anyway. Duh!
wahhhhhhhhh i didn’t win
What I say is true. What’s the big deal?
Have a sense of humor, satire, and quest for knowledge, will you?
Geesh.
Blacks love using coinstar, presumably because they don’t know you can go to a bank, or because they don’t have bank accounts.
Somebody, somewhere keeps the check cashing/currency exchanges in business and it’s not Whites.
You must live in po’ dunk somewhere to be so provincial as to not notice these facts.
don’t believe everything you read on wikipedia. 😉
It’s okay: You are a winner in your mom’s eyes.
what do you know?
Antiques and family heirlooms are about as RKOWP as anything in American society gets.
Ok, we’ve had enough fun denigrating the success of Mr. Huber. Time to feed the next winning entrant to the wolves’ den!
lame.
Egads. This white person has to pull out the grammar pen on this post (fulfilling a prior White Person observation, I believe…). Among the worst errors requiring immediate fix: COMMAS ALWAYS GO INSIDE QUOTATION MARKS.
Exactly!
So where’s winner #2?
I didn’t enter the contest, fuckstick. I just hated the post. And I hate dick breath losers from Texas.
Yes, bring on no. 2! I’m sharpening the knives.
BTW – is it a fact that all winners have already been contacted? read that somewhere earlier, though perhaps C. Lander could clear that up in his intro to Part 2.
Here is my chew toy— err–LOSER entry.
**********************************
Informed White People cultivate a facility for speaking in Blurbs.
They love them. They NEED them.
For White People the life uncommented upon is not worth living. Right down to the tiniest mundane aspects thereof.
Even terminally dull White People can ratify their membership in the Group with the right attitude and a few well-chosen tropes strung together.
“Like a scene from “8 ½” with the gritty realism of a Bukowski poem and the deliciously naïve idealism of a Ron Paul supporter.”
A blurb like that could describe the latest vintage wardrobe score, a friend’s found-object art exhibit at the corner coffee shop or a chocolate chip cookie from the new organic bakery.
When done correctly the Expert Level White Person will craft a mash-up of so many disparate hipster elements — with such deadpan panache and ironic flair– that the resulting serpentine hodge-podge of ellipsis, simile and non sequitur leaves their pasty-faced peers marveling, glassy-eyed, at the sheer mesmerizing emptiness of the thing.
Turning this to your advantage can be tricky. It all depends on the right response.
There is one instance when you can be sure to score huge White People points 100% of the time.
When it’s for the kids.
Any blurb applied by White People to their children should be leaped on with wild enthusiasm and epileptic demonstration.
If you have the good fortune to be seated with a White People Mom in a public place, such as the deck new coffee shop, and she gushes a blurb describing little Diablo’s pre-school finger paint creation— go for it.
Hang on every word as you grab your seat in feigned excitement building up until you thrash around in an ecstatic show of glowing affirmation.
Meg Ryan in that HARRY flick has got nothing on you. Forget about breakage. Knock a table over. White Mom will pay. You’ll be golden.
After that White Mom and Dad will give you a kidney if you need it. They’ll give you one of their children’s kidneys. Yes.
yo this is the unfunniest thing I have ever read. I guess the guy is choosing crap entries to make his look better or something???
i didnt submit. I am standing unbiased on how bad this is.
Yeah, and grapes just started growing the day before yesterday.
wow. What a fool you are if you think any kind of math began with Isaac Newton. LMBO!!!!!!
There must not have been many good entries…
As a white person, I am currently fighting the urge to correct every grammar and AP style error in this entry.
you’re writing style sucks and you have no idea how to set your thoughts up and follow through. plus, I know four year olds that can put together better sentences…you should have hired a monkey to proof read your entry, it most likely would have sounded better.
this article is a disgrace to this fine website.
these are the wrong kind of white people.
Asshole, modern calculus began with Newton. Look it up. I am done with this subject and this idiot.
Is it me or is the sentence “…it would throw the entire equilibrium out of balance” awkward?
Dunno. Just askin’.
That is actually kinda funny.
But ten dollars isn’t “over ten dollars”, either. It’s all retarded.
Like the $4.59 9/10 gas prices.
not too happy with this entry
how many times can you use the over-used word “posh” in a single entry?
White people like tapas.
http://athenasmom.wordpress.com/
http://www.HoneyDewThis.com
My girlfriend constantly nags me to do more chores around the house (”Do the dishes!”, “Wash the dogs!”, “Blah, Blah, Blah!”). I constantly nag her for sex (”Babe, I’m horny!”). Who would have thought that the two activities were actually related? Apparently, when men participate in domestic tasks like sweeping the floor, women feel much more sexy and find the man much more attractive! This is according to an article on CNN.com which states,
“…more equitable division of household duties may lead to more intimacy in the bedroom….When a man does housework, it feels to the woman like an expression of caring and concern, which then physically reduces her stress…A guy can be completely stressed out and want to have sex to burn it off, but women are not wired like that…Instead, he says, women need to feel relaxed in order to feel sexy — and it’s hard to unwind when there are chores to be done and a husband who’s oblivious to them.”
Wow! If my girlfriend would have told me this years ago, I’d be a lean mean cleaning sex machine!
read more at http://www.HoneyDewThis.com
Bullshit!
What the hell is this girly chit chat session doing in the blog?
As a white person, I must point out your nefarious comma splice. Maybe I’d have let it slide if you hadn’t written it in a comment about poor writing. A monkey would probably have caught this rudimentary error in his proofread.
i tried to read all of the comments to see if anyone picked up on this, but reading a bunch of bitching wears me out. why were there two posts in a row about white people and menus. is that meant to be interesting, cause a few pages of bitching is actually more interesting than repeatedly talking about white people and menus, and, white people and punctuation. i imagine writing a book and publishing it is a lot of work, homeboy’s most likely worn out. mark is probably his friend, and he told him to write an entry and mark was all, “about what?” and then he wrote the first thing that came to mind, which was the last thing posted on the site, but here’s the catch… it’s a little different.
p.s. i’m white, but i have shit to do, i don’t capitalize, i don’t punctuate correctly, deal with it.
You have to understand that Buckaroo is a complete dipshit and go on with your life.
amen!
Get your teeth fixed. The gap scratches.
This entry is horribly written. I can’t believe it was one of the five best.
Seeing it posted like this I must admit it does not seem as good as thought but I’d like to see other people that are whining about the quality of the winners put up or shut up and post their own entries.
BTW Bullshit! is a pretty lame comment. Why bother?
Coming from you it’s practically a compliment.
clever innuendo? you sly motherfucker.
Black People leave restaurants with no decimals on the menu!
You are easily better than the winner, and I’d love to read anything else you have.
Wow and I thought I was mean on Found.
Shitty blog.
Batshit!
Mother fucker I am, your mother.
I worked in one of these places, and some “basic” white people would order by number, as they were unaware that the number was the price and not an expedient way of communicating what food item you desired. “I’ll have number 28.”
completely un-funny. what did the rest of the entries look like?
This has probably already been mentioned but receiving a copy of the Onion movie is more like a punishment than a reward.
Incidentally, do you believe yourself to be the authority on all things written? Pssst….it’s YOUR, not you’re.
not funny
Yeah, but decimal places = cheap to a lot of people.
You get .99 stuff at WAL-MART, not Whole Foods.
HAHA! Nice!
I’ve heard this before in the restaurant I work att. All you can do is smile and nod.
Kind words. Thank you.
If I had proof read your own comment, it would have sounded better and resulted in a more effective argument.
I find your writing style to be sub-par (using words like “suck” often degrade your point and intelligence). Your theme development and thought progression caused confusion (I don’t agree with this, by the way), and I had a hard time following along (declaring that the author has “no idea” is considered presumptuous and requires more evidence to back your point).
(It is important to start a new paragraph when you change points)
I would also like to point out that your sentence composure is that of a kindergartener’s; next time I recommend proof-reading (note the hyphen).
Not only do I disagree with each and every thing that you said, you seem to be having quite a few editorial problems as well. Perhaps you should consider casting stones at the mirror before casting them at others.
Worst entry I’ve seen in a while. This is simple menu engineering. Clearly a menu with decimals denotes a cheap restaurant–this has nothing to do with white people liking menus with decimals and everything to do with white people prefering upscale restaurants/menus.
MOJO, n.
orig. and chiefly U.S. and Caribbean.
Magical power, voodoo, the art of casting spells; a charm or talisman used in casting such spells. More generally, esp. in recent use: a power, force, or influence of any kind.
From the Oxford English Dictionary. You sad little person.
this isnt funny. and its mean towards white people. gotta walk that line.
Clever. Would not have come up with this one.
http://death-sentences.blogspot.com/
Monkeys are good at two things: proofreading and flinging their shit at you.
Yes, there are. I have a European colleague and whenever we go shopping, without fail he will see an item priced “X.99” and say “that one is X”. No matter how many times I point the price is “X+1” he keeps making the same mistake, he just doesn’t “see” the decimal portion. I wouldn’t have believed it unless I’d seen it with my own eyes but there you have it. I’ve long since learned to instantly round up (by just taking the base number and adding one).
im sorry this is definitly the worst of the contest winners, its not funny and isnt even that true
That is extremely funny. Not only do I love menus like that, but it just makes so much sense to not have everything ending in .99. The worst menu is the walking menu. Ever been to an extremely upscale restaurant where the waiter actually comes over and recites the menu to you? Besides this being a pop quiz on verbal memory, walking menus don’t have prices. It just puts the entire evening on edge as you wait for bill.
I prefer to dine at restaurants and cafes especially that list their prices in dollars and dimes as in $3.9 or $16.2. The math is very easy, and it still gives the proprietor the opportunity to set fun prices. Dollars alone are usually too crude. I will only tolerate a menu in only dollars if the restaurant has at least a six week waiting list.
I couldn’t care less. Who thought this one up?
I love menus without decimal places.
Guilty as charged.
what about menus that don’t have a prices at all?
I don’t know who falls into the category of “basic” white people, but if you are inferring that white people are stupid, take a look at the statistics of what race doesn’t finish high school. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello Christian,
Your blog has been mentioned in the Financial Times Germany. I hope that means lots of cash. So, finally, you could be part of this refined society you describe in a caustic mirror 😉
Karin
This one is kind of lame; you can tell right away clander did not write it.
I’d love to get Lobster Pillows with Crab Demi-Glaze for only 12. Where’s that place?
I couldnt help but chuckle as we sat down at the renissance hotel in orlando. they has a resteraunt inside of it and the menus didnt have decimals.
Why u be dissin the wite folks mo fo. dis seem ta be a racist site.
Moody’s in Truckee, California goes one step further, by replacing the “1”s in its no-decimal menu with capital “I”s.
Here is the deal with this poor attempt at humor:
In order to understand Mark’s lame S.W.P.L. entry, we must first understand Mark himself. Mark claims to be from “Roxbury Crossing”, Massachusetts. See, what Mark is trying to do here is be ahead of the hipster curve. Mark actually lives in a section of Boston known as Mission Hill, which is littered with hipsters and loser Mass Art dropouts. Roxbury Crossing is actually the name of the subway stop down the street from his rent-inflated, rat-infested apartment. Unless Mark is homeless and sleeping on the train platform, then he is only referring to his place of residence as “Roxbury Crossing” to be different. He is pretending to walk to the beat of a different drum. When in actuality, Mark is just trying to fit in…fit in amongst a sea of smelly, socially confused hipsters.
Mark is obviously not originally from the city of Boston. MY guess is that Mark is a high school geek-turned-hipster. This means Mark wrote for his suburban high school newspaper. His ugly ex-girlfriend once told him (after taking his virginity) that he has “a great way with words” and should “keep writing”. Mark’s dad assumed he was a homosexual when he asked to go to art school. That subsequently led to his father passive-aggressively disowning him over the next 4.5 years. This is when Mark made the full transition to ‘hipster’ status. He realized that by dressing in awkwardly-fit clothing and riding a bicycle was the perfect way to pretend that you don’t care if other people were judging you.
Mark thought he was really “sticking it to the man” by hating on restaurants that his dad likes. But his entry is not only humorless, but doesn’t even target the people that S.W.P.L. mocks. Yes, restaurants that use whole numbers in their menus are probably restaurants frequented by white people. But honestly, Mark, if you’re just trying to impress your “friends” by hating on the norm here, then you’re really barking up the wrong tree.
Go back to suburbia, Mark. Make things right with your father. TAKE YOUR vintage dropped-handlebars and your uncomfortably tight pants and your ugly girlfriends and their synthetic vegan diets and your BAD FUCKING attitudes and get the fuck out of my city!
Hey, can ya’ll post the comment below as the “stuff white people like to leave a comment about”?
Referring to two comments before mine: why is everyone from Boston an asshole?
I find this website quite humourous. As i was going down from the hundreds to number one, i realzed the number one thing white people like is coffee. Now i am white, or caucasion if you please, and i find that so very true haha. When it was related to ciggarettes i laughed because it is mostly true, the first people at school you see to start drinking coffee is white people. The consumed race at starbucks? white. Anyways, point being, before i start rambling, its funny i liked it.
Isn’t this website really about stuff affluent people like? This is more about class than race. Anyone agree? Disagree?
One of the first dates with my fiance included going out to dinner at a restaurant that only had whole numbers for prices. He was confused and ordered the “number 14.”
Smelly? I though hipsters are immaculately made up?
This new trend bothers me. The more pretentious restaurants have not only eliminated dollars signs and decimals; they have taken to using fractions instead of decimals. Instead of $5.25, a slice of cake is 5¼. This is when it is time to stop eating there, even if you are white. These restaurants are always overly crowded, loud, and have electric torches heating the outdoor patio in winter.
Isn’t there a Louis C.K. skit about this exact same thing? Or am I mistaken?
I’d like to take a number 2 on any menu that doesn’t have decimal places.
This website is great…
Here’s another hilarious website you should take a look at: http://www.somethingyoushouldread.com
LMAO
There is a good reason for this: Greed. Cornell University’s Center for Hospitality Research did research at a restaurant of the Culinary Institute of America in Hyde Park, NY and found all people spend more when the menu shows 20 instead of $20.00 or 20 dollars or even $19.99.
goooooooood
How about a $1 burger on the menu? I don’t see where the habit of 99 cent prices identicated instead of the all out $1 dollar bill? Don’t forget tax…and white people like to pay (or ditch) taxes whenever it is convenient.
BOOOOOOO
The writer must be some overprivlidged dooshbag to know about all this stuff, cause I don’t even know what half this shit is.
Nothing can be both quaint and posh. Editor for hire.
oil paintings